Tuesday, November 1, 2016

The Blankets Have Accepted Me

I have always been very high-functioning. Even in my worst depressions I get up at the crack of dawn, run 6 miles, go to work, clean the house, work on some of my crafty projects, and snuggle my cats. That's a lazy day. 

Lately, it's taken everything in my power just to drag my ass out of bed. I will lay there for hours, curled under the blankets, unable to even turn over so my arm regains feeling. 

I'm always so exhausted. I have no motivation. I feel like I have absolutely no purpose in life. Even my memory is suffering lately. 

Everyone has ups and downs along the road to mental health - which is a lifelong journey, not a single destination - but damn, this is one fork in the road I have not experienced before. 

My highly scientific research into the matter, which has included googling "Why am I so exhausted all of the time" has basically told me it's either anemia or depression as all of the other suggestions are not medically probable. Shocker.  

There's a chance I may be mildly anemic. I'm vegetarian so I routinely lack enough iron in my diet, but that's nothing new. 

The feelings of utter hopelessness and thoughts that should-I-kill-myself-my-cat-would-be-distraught-and-not-understand-why-I-abandoned-him being the only thing keeping me alive... leads me to believe my depression is worse then usual. 

A clue! 

Now to fix it. That's always the hard part isn't it. Outline a plan. I can at least do that. 

I need to find a different primary job. The president of my company is an abusive douche nozzle that doesn't mind yelling at his employees and berating them publicly. Plus the sexism that permeates that place is all too casual. Morale there is dismal. 

Eat better. I took a second job working for a friend of mine to help pay for my mother's medical bills. I never remember to bring decent food with me and all they have there is junk, which we are allowed to consume for free. Bonus: I discovered I'm allergic to diet soda. I need to start making big crock pots of food at the beginning of the week so I can just load up and have something to take with me that's healthy. 

Exercise more/more effectively. I am currently working out. I'm even managing to run. Yesterday I did 4 miles on the treadmill. Plus an ab workout. Plus some weight training. It's nowhere near the caliber of work out that I used to do though. It's my mindset. I'm having an extremely difficult time pushing myself, motivating myself. But I do keep trying. 

Vitamins. Daily multi-vitamin. B-complex. Iron. Lots of water. 

Alcohol. Drink less of it.   

Well, there it is. That's a workable plan. Now let's see how well I implement it. 

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Why Do We Take Things So Personally?

I’ve been looking in to tricks and techniques to help not takes things so personally. As I’ve been doing this I’ve noticed a couple things. One school of thought tells you to focus on the problem being the other person’s problem and to disengage yourself from it. The other school of thought acknowledges that other people’s words may have hit an inner wound and why we have a difficult time seeing past our own perspective in times of vulnerability. So which is correct? It probably depends on the situation.

I am interested in why I take things so personally, though.

An article from Psychology Today states that during infancy and early childhood, we experience the world as revolving around us. The Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget, a pioneer in developmental psychology, showed that a young child looking at a picture believes that an adult on the other side of the table sees exactly what he sees (even though the adult actually sees the picture reversed). When the picture is turned so that it is right side up for the adult and reversed for him, the youngster continues to believe that they are both seeing the same image. Part of our intellectual and psychological growth includes the gradual understanding that we do not always see the same thing as someone else. In Piaget's experiments, older children had the ability to imagine what the person on the opposite side of the table was seeing.

Current research believes that the capacity to respond to another person's feelings does develop very early. However being able to respond to another person’s feelings and being able to accurately interpret and separate yourself from those feelings are not the same things, or easy for that matter. The ability to distinguish your own feelings + determine how they came about AND figure out the feelings of someone else + how they originate + effect that person + yourself can be much more complicated. “It takes much longer for us to be able to separate our own experience from someone else's; and sometimes, especially in moments of vulnerability, this distinction can get lost.”

It may not even be that you can’t separate another person’s experiences from your own, but that you can’t separate the emotions triggered by those experiences that speaking to others may bring up. Regardless, that’s when we take things personally, even though something is actually about the other person, not us.

Intuitively I feel this has similar complications with the lack of object constancy or object permanence. Part of our early psychological growth is supposed to allow us to understand that when something/one leaves temporarily that they do not actually disappear permanently. Because we cannot see them within our own perspective does not mean that their perspective no longer exists. By extension, because we are in a very emotional and vulnerable place, where our emotions are a self-centered focus that does not mean that the perspective of someone else no longer exists because we cannot see past our own state of mind.  However because we’re in a highly vulnerable place that focuses inward, instead of outward, it’s difficult to remember that things don’t only act upon us; they act upon others, we interact together, and sometimes things don’t involve us at all (even if it feels like they do).

Interestingly, both of these developmental phases should coincide with one another. Object constancy/permanence is supposed to be developed by 2 years of age. This is the same age range we should begin responding to other people’s emotions in a more fully developed manner. I wonder if an insufficient emotional development early on, an emotional regression from trauma/ abuse, or both, enhances this response.  It would make sense.

It’s hard to admit that my emotional responses, even maturity, isn’t always appropriate, but acknowledging it is the first step to fixing it. It’s not enough to say, well see there, that’s the problem, I was born with it or something happened to me, it’s

not my fault. That may be true. But that doesn’t mean we can’t do something to make it better going forward. We can. And we should always try to make things better. My life is in my hands. I can make a difference. 

You can too. 

Monday, February 8, 2016

Personal Insight: When Not To Invest

This may not be the job I want. I feel like I’m losing my engineering skills by not being able to do the engineering drawing or FEA that I specialized in at University and used for years at my previous jobs. Or even doing hands on work directly in the field like I feel an engineer should. I feel under appreciated and like nothing I do here is good enough. Like everything I do is generally brushed off, what I say isn’t taken as relevant, and my skills don’t matter.

I’m not sure anything I do makes a difference here.

This has always been incredibly important to me. Making a difference. Maybe I should worry about this less. I’ll take the time I have to advance myself as much as I can and try to remove my personal needs from what I can expect from this job. Accept that this isn’t a place that I can advance how I’d like.

Do as best as possible, earn my money, so that I can enjoy the rest of my life elsewhere. There’s a whole world that I can enjoy that isn’t the 9-10 hours that I work a day.

I tend to emotionally invest myself in everything I do. I need to stop emotionally investing in this job. My self-worth should not be dependent on this place that isn’t allowing me to accomplish the goals & expectations I want to achieve.

I don’t even realize I’m doing it.  It wasn’t as difficult at previous jobs. I had a distinct separation of work personality and home personality. A very clear delineation. I left home at the door and my personality cut off.  

With therapy I’ve worked to stop disassociating. Reincorporating myself into every moment. Sometimes it sucks. This job is actively friendlier than past jobs. My boss specifically hires people based on their personality (and skills) to create a friendly environment. I’ve never been so social with coworkers. I could never maintain a strict, completely leave your personal life/personality at the door policy here. It would be seen as cold and rude. That doesn’t mean I don’t tell anyone anything about me that’s personal. Not at all. Just the things that make me relatable (my geeky hobbies, my love of Star Wars, my obsession with 80’s movies especially bad b-horror – stuff like that). But all of that stuff is part of who I am, it makes it harder to distance myself from this place, makes it harder to shield myself from the disappointment that comes with not living up to what I had hoped this job would be. Or take every perceived criticism to heart.

Not every job can be a dream job. There are billions of people in the world that simply go to work and get paid so they can pay their bills and do other things. Maybe that’s all this job is.

I can invest my time, and my effort, but not myself. Not everything deserves a part of me. There’s something to be said about cultivating impersonal detachment. Which is not the same thing as involuntary disassociation.

I’m sensing a theme lately. Taking things too personally. Letting things affect me too much. Correction, letting the wrong things affect me too much. I should look more into how to work on this…

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Try Not To Take Things So Personally

Sometimes it’s hard. We only have our own eyes to see through. We only have our own perspective to judge things from. We only have our own experiences to actually relate to. That’s not to say we shouldn’t emphatically try to relate to the experiences of others (but don’t let it overwhelm you, and know when to step away!).

Every once in a while I have an argument with someone, or simply say or do something that needs to be discussed. Discussing problems, I’ve found, is much more productive then arguing. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. Especially if I’ve done something, even inadvertently, that hurts or irritates someone else.

I can take things so personally. In a fairly self-centered way I think things are often about me or directed toward me. Never in a good way though. Always in a negative way, a criticism, or a way that threatens my self-esteem. In a way that makes me believe I’ve done something wrong or makes me feel as though I have that is completely out of proportion and detrimental to the situation I’m in. Even when discussing a problem that you may have caused or been involved in, not every single thing is about you, you know?

It’s hard listening to other people’s feelings sometimes. Especially when another person’s words and feelings can trigger your own insecurities or feelings of inadequacy. It’s important to be able to listen to their words though, and recognize:
  • what they are actually saying
  • how it applies to them
  • how it applies to the situation
  • then how it applies to you – if it does at all –
  • determine if they’re actually aiming to hurt you
  • or if your triggers are pulling more meaning from their words than there actually are

It’s very difficult for me to hear that the way I reacted to something effects someone in a certain way without immediately berating myself and feeling like a failure or like they’re trying to tell me I’m worthless. It’s very rare (now) that someone actually berates me or tells me I’m worthless. I think because something I may have said or done is creating a negative response in that person, which they in turn are telling me about, it causes me to feel guilty, like I let them down, and therefore someone who isn’t worthy of their love or attention – worthless. The accompanying depression and anxiety are not fun.

Anytime you talk to another person, are friends with someone, or are actually involved romantically – that is a relationship – regardless of how brief or long term. You effect the other person just as the other person affects you.

It’s important to keep an open mind concerning feedback from others, especially if you’re trying to resolve a problem. Remember that if you’re both actively trying to resolve a problem, then you both think the other person is worth the effort to work through the issue. Otherwise there would be no point.

Not everybody is a wordsmith. Sometimes people get the words wrong, but the intent is right. I can be literal to fault. This is a flaw of mine. I tend to say exactly what I mean, exactly how I mean it, and I’m meticulous about it. Other people aren’t like this.  People are symbolic, metaphoric, or just not great at picking the words they mean. It’s important to take a breath and ask for elaboration instead of jumping on something that sounds bad, feels hurtful, or simply isn’t what you want to hear (and sometimes you will hear things you don’t want to hear). The important thing is to ensure that you understand what they actually mean, not just the words they use to say it. Communication is key.

Try to keep in mind what feelings you may also be imposing on their words that make them feel more hurtful than they actually are. This is the hard part for me. I grew up with a father who reinforced that nothing I ever did was good enough. After a couple decades of that, I’m not sure I’ll ever believe I’m good enough. And enough abusive relationships that were verballing, mentally, and emotionally degrading, not to mention humiliating – it’s almost easier to impose those feelings onto a perceived negative situation.

Confronting problems is not negative. Discussing problems, even if they’re something you did, is not necessarily a negative. It’s a means to grow the relationship you have with that person and ensure that what you have flourishes in the long term. My therapist used to say that people that never argued were often in more trouble than people that do (this has a diminishing return – if you only argue, all the time - that’s not healthy either).

Things to remember:
  • Take responsibility for yourself
  • Do not place blame
  • State the problem
  • Do not argue over fault (blame)
  • Acknowledge how each other feel and why – especially if something was triggering
  • Find a solution
    • What caused the problem and how can we approach the situation differently in the future
    • How can we act differently so this doesn’t happen again

Above all, listen to what each other have to say, and try not to personalize things that the other person does not intend to direct at you. Try to recognize when your own feelings may be triggered and trying to latch onto the situation. This will help make difficult conversations a little easier to manage. I know I’ve needed that. 

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Constructive Emotional Recognition

Recognize the things that make you angry, make you cry, create that knot of tension in your stomach that rises into your throat telling you an anxiety attack is on the way.

I’m not always the great at doing this in the moment. I still don’t have the best ability to be emotionally immersed in the present when something unpleasant happens. I still dissociate emotionally – my emotions and feelings are shut down until I’m in a physically or emotionally safer place to process them. However I can recognize and reflect on these things in order to make conscious decisions about similar situations in the future.

It’s very difficult to learn to create constructive behaviors and improve your environment if you don’t know what is contributing to your distress in the first place.

For example: I am a civil rights activist. As such, I participate in a number of on-line forums to expand my worldview and knowledge. One of them was hosted by a friend to discuss current events. There were a couple very reasonable and rational people in this group. I didn’t always agree with them, but they always had thought out and well researched opinions which I respected. More often than not, people would post articles or rants that had very biased and bigoted viewpoints. One member in particular would attack everyone that didn’t share his exact opinion. There were mornings I’d open my feed and some of these would be the first thing I saw for the day. Ignorant, hate filled, historical revisionist, sexist, xenophobic posts that I do not have the capacity to ignore without calling people out on their bs. I found that just looking at new posts from the group, seeing a response from a particularly sexist member, or even building the courage to post something myself (because I was anxious about other members) created a massive internal struggle. The anxiety and anger that was being caused would stick with me for hours. If this was the first thing I saw that day, I would have a very difficult time getting my day back on track.

At first I simply blocked the people that were causing me the most strife to keep up with the group. Finally, after someone attempted to take a snippet of history and shoe horn it into their own agenda – I called them out flat and spoke my opinion of the general trend occurring in the group. After that; I deleted the whole group. I realized many of these groups and random people caused an unnecessary amount of strife for me and got rid of any that created more emotional debt than rewarding experiences. I needed to find my own balance between my activist communities and my mental health.

I can’t control the actions or thoughts of other people. I can control my own and make informed decisions about what I need and do not need in my life.

I enjoy trying new things. Talking to new people and groups. Sometimes they’re just not a good fit. Even family or friends can be this way.

Another example: I’m from the Midwest and every Christmas/holiday season I go back and stay with my parents for a few days. 5 days this past trip. My father and I get along just fine (though he can aggravate me too) – probably because he and I have similar reclusive personalities. He’ll chat with me occasionally about something important or if I’m actually sitting down to engage in conversation. Otherwise he basically leaves me alone. I appreciate this.

My mother is a different story. My mother is a nice woman. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you she’s the sweetest person alive. She’s very friendly and always has to be talking or engaging with you. No matter what. Even in the bathroom. Our personalities clash – which is as much my problem as it is hers.

The second I’m in her line of sight the questions and chattering start. Nothing important. Nothing that anyone would find offensive. Just nonstop poking at me. She has no concept of boundaries or personal space – regardless of how many times I’ve asked her to back off or give me room in the past; it never sticks.

When I’m in a room alone with her I can feel not only my anxiety, but my anger rising. I can keep my anger in check though I will bark at her occasionally when she’s pushed me for too long. Granted I rarely say anything until it’s gotten to the breaking point instead of letting her know earlier that she needs to back down. It takes two. I recognize my part. If I don’t say something, often multiple times, she can’t read my mind and won’t realize what she’s doing.

I have noticed that when there are other people around and her focus isn’t solely on me; I’m able to remain calmer and even happier to participate in conversation.

As far as I can tell I have 3 options for fixing this one:

1.       Never visit my parents or be in a situation where I am alone with my mother ever again. Not the most reasonable – as I can’t always predict this.
2.       Only visit my parents when I’m sure I’ll have Bats or my siblings there as well to mitigate the full attention of my mother.
3.       Open up some kind of therapy or dialogue to discuss what is going on to improve the quality of our relationship with the hope that they/she will eventually learn my boundaries and stop pushing my buttons.

The thought of discussing my relationship with my parents – with them – fills me with dread and irrational guilt because I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I’d rather spare their feelings than stop my own distress. That, and I don’t actually want a better relationship with them. I’m perfectly happy with the amount of closeness we have now, which is very little, and I don’t want any more.

I do believe the solution lies in #3 though (with a bit of #2 thrown in). I have to find a way to properly express myself that will let my mother know what she is doing and how it affects me.  Hopefully then, she will make the decision to alter her behavior.

She clearly can’t tell when I don’t want to engage with her, or if she can she completely ignores it. Subtle is not the approach. Being able to recognize when my anger and anxiety are triggered in relation to her will allow me to formulate that dialogue in a more rational way before actually speaking to her. Working on the solution (not fixating on the problem) ahead of time will help prepare myself mentally and emotionally, and allow me to organize my thoughts so I can discuss things in a constructive manner.

Even if it’s as simple as, “Could you please give me a little more space in the morning until I’ve had a chance to wake up. I’m not very sociable when I first wake up and I don’t want to be crabby.” Not a full discussion of every incident, but a small correction in the moment when things happen. I feel I could handle that.

Though frankly if it wasn’t my mother, I probably wouldn’t even bother. I’ve discovered that when certain people routinely cause you an inordinate amount of strife, anger, or anxiety, it’s often best to choose not to associate with those people. I’m very empathic, often overly empathic, so when other people are having a garbage life, I end up feeling that burden as well. I take in a lot of what others put out. Not all people are healthy to have in your life – even if you really wish they could be. Sometimes you have to decide what is best for you and not for anyone else.

This is not the same as avoiding problems or hiding from responsibility. Especially in relationships. Relationships take work and effort. Both people must be willing to work on it though. If you find that you’re the only one contributing; it may be time to reevaluate.

It helps to make a note of the events that create these feelings. Family, friends, groups, work, doctors, social activities and interactions. This can help you organize your thoughts and feelings on each one and make them more manageable.

Remember, this is not about placing blame. It’s about recognizing your own limitations and making a conscious decision to continue or move on; and how to go about that.

·         Recognize the problem

o   Try writing down when you are emotionally triggered
·         Determine a Course of Action for yourself
o   You can’t control anyone else’s thoughts or actions
o   You can control your choices and involvement
o   Write down a list of possible actions/solutions that you can take, no matter how minor, to aid in your decision
·         Act Constructively
o   Work towards a solution if one is possible
o   Do not make anything about blame
·         Evaluate
o   Reflect on what you’ve accomplished or didn’t
o   What was helpful; what wasn’t

What do you think? 

Monday, December 28, 2015

Long Time No Update - Healing


It’s been a very long time since I’ve written or updated. I removed the majority of the spam. I don’t know if my blog has actually been down or not. I had an official domain but GoDaddy never gives me renewal notices and it apparently lapses which may make it impossible to find the site. The last time they did that they wanted to charge me over $100 just to use my domain. No thanks. So I’ll just be sticking with the blogspot domain.

There have been three main reasons I haven’t been blogging.

  1. One of my friends told me my Evil-Ex had found my blog and I got very paranoid. I’m not sure if this is actually true or if he just didn’t like the fact that I referred to some of our interactions. His girlfriend had found it and showed him and he did express displeasure. I don’t use anyone’s name – this blog is for me so I was extremely anxious and unhappy about this
  2. My relationship with Bats. I need it to be about us and not fodder for my blog. As so much of what triggers me or what helps me is tied to him, it’s hard to write about my every day without including him and I don’t want our relationship public.
  3. I haven’t had time. I work very long hours. I was promoted to the Head of my own division which I’m building. By the time I get home I barely have time to shower, see Bats, and feed/play with my cats. I’ve had an enormous amount of stress and anxiety from work, but I believe this is normal stress and anxiety in general from working a high pressure job (only the occasional panic attack or irrational anger).

I’m doing very well. Well, okay. I just got back from visiting my family and that can only go so well when your mother has no sense of personal space or boundaries. I’m still with Bats and fortunately he was there to mediate. That helped enough to get through the week.

Relationship: Bats and I have been together for about 1 year and 7 months now. Living together for a year and three. Yes, we moved in together after 4 months. That was a bit overwhelming at first but once we established our routines and had the occasional “fight” which really lead to us communicating our needs better (and civilly), it’s worked out very well. We also adopted a kitten together =)

Work: As I mentioned I was promoted. I am the head of my own division now. Which still includes the responsibilities of my regular job, but now with new and improved piles of work to do! It’s rewarding and exhausting at the same time.

Therapy: I’m out of therapy. Officially. I didn’t just stop going. My therapist had graduated me back to coming once a month. To be honest this was a difficult schedule to keep. I do much better when my schedule is highly structured and I’m there routinely. Once a month was pretty useless. The whole point being that I rarely had anything of significance to discuss and it was primarily a check in to see how I was doing.

Unfortunately I think my therapist was so convinced of my progress, the healing I’ve done, and the coping skills I’ve developed, that when I did occasionally express something I felt was a real issue – she only gave it passing consideration. I felt those conversations always went very quickly from me describing my dilemma and how I handled it (which I’m very adept at doing now), to her being proud that I handled it but not exploring the issue beyond the surface events. I often felt like she was brushing past something I needed to talk about further. Idk, perhaps she believes I’m capable of handling and digesting these things on my own now. She must be as it was decided I no longer needed a regular therapist. Though I can always call for an appointment if I need one.

On the one hand I feel I may have outgrown this therapy. I didn’t feel like I was getting anything out of my sessions any longer so it made sense. On the other, I’m a little sad. Therapist was probably the only adult fixture I’ve had in my life. Not that my friends and I aren’t adults, but a more adult type of adult. The kind that has lived life longer so they know things and you can actually go to them for counseling. I’ve never had that before. I definitely felt some abandonment twinges (even though this was my decision too!) – but only as passing sadness really. I think that’s normal.

Medication: I’m almost completely off my medication. I had gone to see my Psychiatrist – told him I felt over medicated (100mg Pristiq, 200mg Topamax) because in the morning at work my head felt kind of fuzzy and I wasn’t able to focus or concentrate. His solution? Up my Topamax to 300mg. Jerk. I tried that for about a week until I realized that was probably why I was having vicious dreams, flailing and kicking in my sleep, and waking up both myself and Bats. I immediately went back to my regular dose and that stopped. I’ve since been weaned off the Pristiq completely and am on about 50mg of the Topamax.

I initially wanted to adjust my medication because that coupled with the birth control I was on. I wasn’t sure which one was zapping my sex drive. (Though frankly it might have just been stress, anxiety, and/or not eating great – so many things can affect this). Going off my birth control hasn’t changed much, which doesn’t surprise me because I’ve never had that kind of reaction to birth control (Except Seasonique/Seasonale – that shit is the devil). As soon as I started lowering the Pristiq I could feel my sex drive normalizing again. I honestly can’t tell if the Topamax does anything for me but now that I'm on very little of it I'm not as fuzzy and I can concentrate better.

I’m not sure if staying off medication will be my forever route, but one thing’s for sure…. I will be getting a new Psychiatrist before I start anything new. Psychiatrist never seems to listen to what I tell him. While I’m sure there are legitimate medical reasons for his choices – he needs to listen to me when I tell him something is wrong or isn’t okay. Always make sure you have a good working relationship with you doctors and therapists! If they stop listening to you, there are others out there that will. You pay them to help you! You are not bound to go to them if they aren’t helping you the way that you need.

I’m in a happy, loving relationship, work is progressing rapidly, graduated from therapy, and almost completely off my medication. I don’t know if you can be cured from this, but I certainly feel like I have learned to cope and have developed the skills I need to be in control of my own life – not my maladaptive impulses controlling me. That doesn’t mean I don’t have good days and bad days. Or that occasionally new things don’t come up. I’m capable of recognizing what is happening though and taking appropriate and responsible action for myself. 9 times out of 10 anyways. Everyone screws up sometimes.

I will try to post occasionally again, though probably not every day. Or even every week. Let me know if there are things you’d like me to look into.



Saturday, August 30, 2014

Whirlwind Life

I’m so sorry I’ve been away. My life has been such a whirlwind.

This new job has been kicking my ass.  In the best way possible, my you. I love it! But I work really long hours. It’s so fulfilling to have a job that is challenging and that does something that I believe in. And not too mention, sends me all kinds of crazy places. Plus everyone I work with is amazing.

And then there’s my personal life. Everything is so hectic.

I have to move. Again. No bad reasons or anything, it’s just how things worked out. And it’ll be the first time I’m getting a place on my own. I’m actually really worried about it. I’m going to miss Monroe, and I’m really worried about separating our cats. The kitten is 2 years old now but she’s grown up with my cat. She’s never not had him. I actually had a nightmare about that. I woke up crying. I want to keep her. In the same night I had two other nightmares just about moving. Moving is so stressful. I am so compulsive about it too. I researched every possible available option. Cost per month vs. utilities vs. square footage vs. amenities vs. proximity to where I want to be vs. whether undesirable people can get in…. I am actually really happy about the place I found.  Therapist is sort of dismissing my fear of living alone though and that troubles me a bit. On the one hand I’m sure I’ll be fine, b/c I always deal with what I’m handed, but it doesn’t ease my anxiety. I felt like she was dismissing that a little. I don’t like being alone. I don’t need someone to pay attention to me all the time, but just having someone around, having someone in the next room, knowing their presence is there… it’s comforting. I don’t like to be alone.

Bat and I are still wonderful. He took a new job and his hours are ridiculous which is a little distressing for me but I’m doing okay. He clearly adores me. We did have our first “fight”, which was not really a fight at all, but a pretty reasoned discussion. I was so scared to have it though.  He has this hobby that I fully support and I love that he has something that he loves. But lately when I’ve been over he’s only been doing that and I’ve sat there doing nothing until I’ve fallen asleep. He’s talked to me while he’s done it, but it’s not something we can do together and I feel kind of neglected. Especially when I look forward so much to seeing him all week and then as soon as we get to his place all he does is tinker with his stuff and I sit there doing nothing. I was so hesitant to say anything to him about it though b/c he has so little free time and I really do want him to keep at his hobby, but if he want me there, then I would really like to be doing something together, otherwise I’m just kind of feeling ignored. I finally talked to him about it thought. I thought about what I wanted to say for a couple days so it wouldn’t just be an angry emotional word vomit. Shockingly he understood.

Beyond that, my Sister and my best friend (xRoommate) are getting married; in September and October respectively. I am their Maid of Honor. In both weddings. Which means planning two bridal showers, two bachelor/bachelorette parties, constantly working on decorations, baking (I’m doing all of the baking), figuring out brides maid dresses, travel out of state… plus Bat is coming with me to my sister’s wedding. So that should be interesting... meeting my entire family for the first time.  

My schedule has/will been: Boston, Figure out how to move, Move, Go to the UK for work, Touch Down/switch planes/Go to the Midwest for Sisters Bridal Shower/Bachelorette Party, (two weeks later) Sister’s wedding, (next weekend) xRoommate Bridal Shower, (two weeks later) Bachelorette Party, (next weekend), xRoommate Wedding. 

And I’m planning all of the Bridal Shower/Party stuff along with all of my moving and all of my usual work stuff.

I talked to my parents the other night just to catch up. My mother is going in for heart surgery this week. She’s been having random racing heartbeats and palpitations for no reason at all causing dizziness and fainting. She’s very active and eats a healthy diet. She is thin, not overweight at all. She’s a nurse so she’s health conscious and medically aware. This is was a huge shocker for me. Heart problems run in my family. Usually they’re attributed to extremely poor diets and smoking though. That’s 90% of the reason I’ve been vegetarian for the last 22 years. So this is really freaking me out. I’m really worried about her. Apparently the surgery is pretty routine, nothing she should be too concerned about, but it’s still freaking heart surgery. Ugh.

And the most ridiculous thing of all? I missed my period this month. I started a new birth control pill that my doctor recommended. I take it exactly as prescribed. I’m extremely regular. And then I wa

s late. Very late. As it turns out… one of most common side effects of this pill is not having your period.
  I scoured the internet and forums to find that thousands of women had the same scare. I still took a pregnancy test, and it came back negative, but holy crap was that stressful.  I feel like I’m going to have to do that every month now if I end up never having a period (which might happen).

Update: So….. Bat and I talked last night and he wants to move in together. Things have been going really well. Our work schedules have been extremely hectic though (especially since he’s a chef and works crazy hours) so we haven’t gotten to spend the time we did at the beginning of our relationship. He told me he missed that and living together would give us the chance to see each other even with our crazy schedules. It would take care of my not wanting to live alone too. 

I had a quick heart palpitation  as soon as he brought it up (not because of him)… as soon as Evil-Ex and I moved in together (the only other partner I’ve lived with) his entire personality changed. He went from charming and fun, to mood, manipulative, and avoidant. He started cheating on me, “needing his space”, he turned into a completely different person… he couldn’t maintain the mask. I talked to xRoommate about it. So funny, she hated Evil-Ex from minute one. All of my friends and my sister said the same thing. I wish any of them had said anything. Bat is nothing like that though. He’s very steady. We’ve spent so much time together already I feel like I have a handle on who he is and I don’t foresee him changing suddenly. He’s not anyone else. He’s him. Plus he wants to move in to spend more time with me. Not just use me for my money or as his “meal ticket” as one of Evil-Exes friends used to refer to me as.

It’s a big step though. It definitely makes me happy that he wants to be closer to me. I love the idea and I want to do it. 

I’m extremely overwhelmed but I feel like all I can do is take it one day at a time and prepare as best I can so I’m not panicking. It’s a lot. Fortunately a glass or two of wine helps. ::head desk:: 

Life is ridiculous sometimes. 

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