Friday, December 17, 2010

Surrealizing - Criteria 9 / Part 4: Derealization

The final segment of my Criteria 9: Dissociated series is Derealization. Derealization: is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems strange or unreal.

For me this comes across as an unnatural brightness, things are too in focus. Hyperfocused. The outline of objects, things, houses, horizons, are too sharp. Sun is too bright, the air is too bright, colors are too crisp.  Everything has a stark contrast and I feel like I’m removed from the scene, like it was erected and I’m walking through a movie set. There lacks a depth to the reality. There’s no deeper attachment to anything because it’s as if those things weren’t placed there long enough ago to have formed an attachment to them.  

It’s oddly beautiful as a surreal observation.

This happens relatively often but it’s not as intense as my depersonalization. For example, I was in my Eating Disorder Anonymous meeting the other day. The room itself was hyper lit and it looked like a herd of children had vomited crayons all over the walls. The room itself was very vivid but the sheer brightness triggered me right into a derealized state. It was almost dizzying. It felt like something encompassed my brain, pressing to a common center point.

Or another time, I was simply driving home in the late afternoon. The sun was low enough to be just over the horizon. There were trees closely spaced on the side of the road. As I would pass each tree the sun would blot out, then flash bright as I drove past an gap. From my peripheral vision I would see flash bright, dark shadow, flash bright, dark shadow like an old 8mm film reel being played on the edge of my vision. It made me feel almost as if I was floating.

It’s never an out of body experience or anything such as that. I always maintain a focus that I am doing whatever it is that I’m doing, but my perception is hyperfocused and surreal.

4 comments:

  1. I have bipolar disorder and derealize badly both when I am depressed and when I am (hypo)manic. My doc says that my symptoms are rare. It would be nice to hear if you recognize this.

    When I am low the world looses its colors and shadows take "too much space". Something is VERY wrong everywhere. It is as if shadows become physical. I call it the "dark". People are unreal. I call them "grey faces". It is hard to not start thinking of this as another dimension inhabited by ugly non-humans. It would be so much more comfortable than the truth.

    When I am elevated the world sparkles quite literally and colors become more intense. Everybody are very beautiful. I need very little sleep. When I close my eyes I see flashes. It is as if it is too light, like the middle of the day a sunny day in summer.

    If you recognize these things, then I know what you are experiencing.

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  2. Your words are so wonderfully descriptive and the creativity you posses is beautiful. I don't quite know how i managed to find your page but every word you've expressed, i can relate to. I feel an ecclectic mixture of the extremes, both positive and negative. I have a monumentous range of what may be refered to as disorders of the mind. However i like to celebrate my individuality and uniqueness. I get the strange feeling that you may do the same. I also experience what i would call severe derealization/depersonalization. I've lived like this for many years yet i'm still taken aback for a brief moment each and every day by the sheer surreal visuals. At first this scared the hell out of me but after a while it slowly became a normality. I can't even recall how the world looked before my drastic change in perception. I suppose over time i've learnt to appreciate the beauty still present. Throughout my life i feel as if i've been to hell and back, I've learnt so much yet i still thrash around in the dark from time to time. I'm not usually the kind of person to leave comments, but your words stired something inside me. I pray that you may recieve whatever it is you want from life. Sending you love brother and don't worry, i talk to myself aswell =)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, and your words are just as lovely. For whatever reason I'm glad you found your way here.

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  3. Same person as above. Just realised you mighnt be a girl, didn't mean to say brother at the end. Sorry.

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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