Sunday, December 12, 2010

Why, hello there Handsome.

I'm Haven.

No, you won't be safe here. I won't tell you comforting lies. I am a refuge for the truth.  Large or small, sometimes the greatest epiphanies fall from the most innocuous moments. I have had these, though I make no promises that you might.

I would say, I'm just a girl, but I don't usually feel like one. I don't usually feel human at all. A body walking, talking, thinking. Animated consciousness. I recognize the world around me though it feels as if someone else is stimulating my actions as I witness from afar.

My story is set in the mundane. Recognizable as the world you know. The world you walk through, live in, play in, connect with. I do all these same things, except connect. I am disconnected, interrupted from the flow of the ordinary.  Utterly. I am an observer, witnessing the lives of others and overseeing my own; moving through a measurement of time three feet to the left of the common border. The border between what and what, you ask? I walk the Borderline between a Dissociated worldview and the one you know. For me the scene will differ though the picture may seem the same to you. This is the portrait I hope to portray.

What does that mean? As far as my eye can see, Borderline Personality Disorder, while a clinical diagnosis is not a tangible thing. It's not a condition that can be disected and cauterized like a rotting limb, amputated to leave one functioning whole. It's not a disease treatable like Bipolar or cancer that you can throw lithium or radiation at to 'cure'. But, that doesn't mean it isn't a real problem. It's a category that encompasses an array of symptoms classified by one overarching Title illness. You can try to treat the symptoms, but there's no cure for the category. It's a Label, so the psych can bill my insurance company with a pin-pointed disguise for my diag'nonsense'. I border on a multitude of madness and sanity. It's a part of me.

This is how I journey through that world. How I attempt to understand that world.Your world.



55 comments:

  1. I see you Haven.

    I see what you see. I feel what you feel. For the same cup is pressed against my lips. And always has been.

    Yet this cup of poison, has been blended for in it's secret recesses hides the immutable.

    An intuitive sense. Of all time. All space. All being.

    A distortion? Or just, all that is hidden from the many?

    Best not answer that.

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    1. It is hidden. Our need of safety pushes us to see what most other don't see. It does not mean that does not exist (it is real) but only few of us sees it and hence are bothered with it. This is because we need to go back in the unsafe again and again. In reality we just don't know how to feel safe on our own we never learned, our mother did not teach us, did she...? Therapists have hard time with us, no wonder....

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  2. In fact. Best not listen to me at all. I'm one of the 10 %.

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    1. I apologize to all if this doesn't have relevance to the discussion, but it seems to convey the feelings some with BPD battle every day. It was written by someone I love very much, but have (sadly) become separated from.

      Duality

      Anxiety is the road map
      Panic the destination
      Internally writhing in agony
      I fight to hang on to what I have built
      To protect the ones I’ve come to care for
      And I haven’t lost touch yet.
      You can call it a chemical imbalance
      Chambers and pistons misfiring
      But I’m spiraling out of control
      I can feel myself unraveling
      Grasping desperately at the ribbons
      My throat closes in fear
      As I struggle to hang on to normality.
      Surrounded by deaf ears and blind eyes
      Muted by my own fear of exposure
      I have to protect the everyday face I wear.
      No matter how hard I try to control it
      I’m failing at saving myself from this disorder
      Like a man becoming a beast
      My thoughts and feelings fade away
      Now I’m just cold and numb
      A shell of the person I want to be.
      The real me is warped and tainted
      And despite that the real me is strong
      I’m manipulative and carry a bag of tricks
      A monster mastered in the dark art of brutality
      Using tools to break you open and spill you everywhere.
      I need you to be as broken as me
      I feel entitled to share my pain with you all
      I push and pull until I’m exhausted
      And despite the destruction in my wake people remain.
      I beg for forgiveness and return to my veneer
      Unsure of what I want or where to go
      When all I need is someone to be there
      I need someone to tell me who I am.

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    2. Oh my gods and goddesses. This brought tears to my eyes. I'm living with a BPD partner and this portrays well what i see/feel/believi is going inside him.

      It's a bloody lonely road they are walking. I can only try to reach but alas, there is that border. Sometimes almost gone, sometimes inpenetrable.

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    3. I've been recently diagnosed and this poem brought tears to my eyes, this is he first time anyone has successfully reproduced my thoughts and feelings and it is amazing to realize that I'm not actually alone, I'm always told I'm not the only one but I never understood

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  4. Awww Haven huney. You're sweet. But tell me, what rate stands at 10 per cent for those with a diagnosis of Borderline?

    There was a time when I could communicate the most complex and difficult to describe characteristics of the human condition with clarity and dynamism.

    A mind hard wired to its unconscious processes of reasoning and intuition.

    But now that light has grown dim as I walk willingly towards the night.

    Once I was worth listening to dear Haven. But no longer. mortem sibi consciscere?

    You take care Haven.

    Salut.

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  5. Hey Haven,

    I tried to tweet you a coherent question a moment ago but the limited character allowance was proving to be rather a challenge!! Couldn't find anywhere better to message you, I hope here is ok?

    As I said in my tweet, I love your blog! Having wandered planet earth for 40 years not having a bloody clue who I am and why I think/react/behave/feel the way I do I am finding answers in your writing!

    Any way, the question: how do you reconcile the constant roller coaster of make and break in your close, loving relationships?

    What do I mean? Ok, I'm married and over the years I have repeatedly brought our relationship to it's knees and deeply hurt my wife because of my BPD. I love my wife very much and I hate hurting her. I have been in and out of therapy for the last 12 years and the more control I gain and the more I 'recover' the less I find I need my wife so I find myself in a weird position - I want to be with my wife more than ever but I have dealt with my dependency issues to such an extent that I don't need her anymore and therefore the option of leaving her to a life where she is not repeatedly hurt is now a real one for me and often very attractive as it would also allow me to walk away from the repeated guilt and shame that follow emotional events. I am struggling more and more to reconnect after emotional events given the apparent merits of remaining at an emotional distance and this is clearly not ideal if a relationship is supposed to be intimate.

    Given the likelihood that we BPDs will cause havoc in relationships wouldn't the truly loving response be to detach to a safe emotional distance from those we really love? I know this doesn't really make logical sense but you get my point, right? Actually it probably makes good logical sense but doesn't make emotional sense.

    This strategy of detaching from those you really care about obviously doesn't take the loved one's wishes in to consideration at all, I'm just keeping it simple. I have expressed the above to my wife and it appears she would rather suffer on a regular basis than lose me which either means that I'm very much more wonderful than the personal image I currently subscribe to or it proves beyond all doubt that she is actually certifiably insane as I have been telling her all these years!! ;-)

    Discuss, please ;-)

    Matt

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    1. This is old, I know, but here's my take (and I am BPD too). That woman has put up with you and stuck by your side, in sickness and health, for over a decade. She obviously loves you and has more than earned the reward of a mentally healthy, stable you. Leaving her "for her own good" now that you aren't dependent upon her any more is incredibly selfish. How about you love her and have a relationship with her not because you NEED her, but simply because you love her - like a normal person.

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    2. I agree. I have BPD and now that I'm in control, my relationship is better that ever. I wouldn't dream of leaving my bf now that I can love him in healthy ways and treat him well after everything I've put him through. He had hope that I'd get better, and he was the reason that I did, and he deserves to be loved.
      Sorry Matt, you do sound very selfish. Not need your wife anymore? Being married isn't about need-it's about love and enjoying each other.

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  6. Bravo.. I don't think borderline is a condition, because personally (as one, I think) it would take wild horses to get me to believe that I'm not "right" about most of the things others find fault in. And when I read words of borderline people I don't see illness or pathology, I see truth. I'm on wordpress zharptitsa.wordpress.com, and I don't know how I can follow your blog here, but I'll try. Thanks:) A

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  7. Matt you sound as though you are NPD.,not BPD or you might be morphing into a fully fledged narc,rebirthing into a grandioise version of your former self.Thinking about "not needing your wife,now that you have worked on your dependency issues".All about 'YOU'. When progress is being made in therapy,you will find yourself wandering how you can bring joy into your partners life,instead of imagining life withouYt her on the pretext that youd be doing her a favour by leaving. Playing in shadowland is a far cry from reality.If you finish treatment ,will you leave her??maybe she should do you the favour and leave you first.

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  8. Haven, I love the way you put your thoughts into words. I wish i could do the same. I am currently in treatment for borderline personality and I just wanted to say hey. It seems like your thoughts are my thoughts. HUGS

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  9. Hi, I'm following your blog. Will you follow mine. It's new but I'm updating often.

    http://bordringthepole.blogspot.com/

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  10. Calling yourself a "BPD" and others "Non"'s makes it sound as if there is no "you" beyond your diagnosis. I feel like some of the information on this site might contribute to the ongoing prejudice and stereotyping we endure. Just because you feel a particular way does not mean we all feel that way. It is easy to slap a label on people and not see them as individuals. As I browse this site, I feel like you're doing that to yourself. You are more than your BPD and so am I.

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    1. Of course I'm more than my BPD. Everyone is composed of more than merely one trait. This site is dedicated to understanding this one aspect of my personality because it's something I'm struggling with. I also have never made any claim that this blog encompasses all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I specifically state that this is my own personal journey and the things I deal with. I sometimes include information that about traits that I don't experience because others might, but you'll notice in many of my write ups I discuss how things do apply, how others don't apply, and how things are commonly assumed but not necessarily how they actually are.

      What I'm doing is being honest about my personal experience. What I'm not trying to do is sugar coat what BPD has been in my life. Perhaps you don't like the picture that is painted of BPD, but this is what it has been in my life, and it hasn't always been pretty.

      I've never thought I was only my disorder. This blog is also about taking what people commonly see as BPD and applying what it is to actually be a person experiencing those things. To bring a human element to those checklists that people like to hold onto.

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    2. I disagree with the first point. While I am a product of life and experience all this has been seen and experienced through BPD tinted glasses. In a way your personality is all you are so in some ways I "am" a BPD. There are many flavours of BPD, however, and not everyone experiences even the same symptoms in the same way so we all see BPD differently. I think the biggest aid to Borderlines is insight and that requires knowledge to be able to find it.

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    3. To Anonymous May 23, 2012 at 8:03 AM

      Quote: "I feel like some of the information on this site might contribute to the ongoing prejudice and stereotyping we endure". To be honest, looking at other BPDs I'm not convinced that some of those prejudices and stereotypes aren't reasonable to non borderlines - who could never really understand. This surely provides an education to what the issues really are for many borderline sufferers. Perhaps you need to take an honest look at yourself and other BPDs and see what is really there.

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    4. What if the feeling, that there is no 'you' is real? What if your are faking a you in all contacts with others, so they may be able to be with you? Am i the never incarnated foetus, who is in a constant 'freeze' mode? That seems to shortchange the most courageous woman i know, the mother, the grandmother. Superempath, feeling what others feel, anticipating their every action and mood, in order to keep reacting from a relative safe position, that is not me. Causing feelings of neglect and abandonement all over again. My adult children are not getting it. Never invested in getting any real knowledge or insight. My family just exploded again. Deep sadness, but also relief. Letting go of the burden of juggling so many parts of myself, to keep them satisfied, to be tolerated in their circle of family. I am used to the sadness, became resilient at mindfully standing it. For now i have surrendered, letting the river of life just carry me effortlessly. I have no answers, no solutions. If i could have solved it i would have done so decades again. I am broken, always have been. So what? I am doing my best to fix it. Coldplay, once my youngest son's favorite band, singing 'i will fix you'. He never even tried with me, nor did any other ever. They would not or could not.



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    5. Haven, I recently was diagnosed with severe personality disorder. I got out of a physic ward last week after a week of being monitored due to continuous episodes and attempted suicide. The severe episodes I have caused me to lose my boyfriend, my job, my friends, I feel alone, abandoned, too different to be in this world. But thanks to this blog you have inspired me to try my best to continue in my life as a person, alone or not. I have also now started up my own blog (the thought crossed my mind and while I was researching I found your page (: which convinced me it seems like it may help with recovery) it is, and can only be, a personal story of which I pray people do not take as a plea for attention. So thank you so much, the emptiness inside me feels a lot less heavy thanks to you.

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  11. Just in awwww right now and grateful for your blog Haven. Although, sick I am comforted that another human being feels and thinks the way I do. I am unable to explain the roller coaster of emotions to my loved ones. My husband thinks I should simple change my attitude problem. Although two therapist have attempted to explain the disorder to him and how my spitting, mood swings, tantrums are out of my control. As we all know that way of thinking is the worst possible way to help someone with BPD. He is a good man. He loves me. But I am moving out next week (AGAIN) after almost twenty years. He wants me to stay. I am afraid that wether I am with him, alone, or with someone else...I will still be miserable. I don't know what to do. Go, stay! I change my mind every five minutes. I would not wish BPD on anyone. Thank you for sharing "you" with us. At least in this moment I feel I am not alone in the world.

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    1. It always hurts when the people you love just can't understand. Their brains are literally chemically different then ours so they don't understand that this isn't somethign that can simply be turned off.

      Sometimes leaving is the best thing you can do for you. If it gives you the time to work on yourself then do what you have to do.

      ::hugs:: You're not alone. Even though I know how often it feels as if you are.

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    2. Our brains are different. Some parts atrophied, some parts, like the strong survivor, super strong. Besides being broken, it makes us special. Just hoping that some of us, will one day get it right and balance it all. So we can wield the gifts of our specialness.

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  12. Hi Haven, I just found your blog a couple days ago and can relate to most of what I've read. Thank you for sharing this. I've been trying to figure out and find more about BPD since I found out about my diagnosis in April and your description of the "transparent borderline" just hit home for me. I've nominated you for a blogging award as well. Just wanted to let you know. It's called the "One Lovely Blog Award" and you can read more about it on my blog post. I promise this isn't spam. heheh

    http://melancholicallymanic.wordpress.com/2012/05/27/ive-decided-to-accept-so-i-can-nominate/

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    1. Glad to have you =) And thank you so much! I'll definitely check out your blog.

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  13. Haven,

    Thanks for this great blog. Thanks for sharing yourself so that others who suffer are not alone and those of us who love those with bpd can understand them better. I adore a woman who I met and have dated almost three years. We were together for 9 months the first time and 11 months the second after she ended it both times. She has come back another two times wanting to get back together. I feel much more able to handle the relationship now as I have been going to therapy and training in DBT. So, I have accepted her back in to my life both times. However as soon as she decides to try within one week she goes back to an abusive lover. Why? I don't take it personally anymore and I have resolved to continue working on myself. I just feel so much empathy.
    Thanks.

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  14. I'd like to talk. When you have time.

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  15. Hi,
    I am just reading your blog for the first time. I stumbled on it while googling for answers to why my symptoms are as they are. I know I'm not normal, and normal is overstated i am sure. But I feel like you have hit the nail on the head for me. Which leaves me to believe that I must read more of your blog, but do more research on borderline personality disorder. I keep jokingly saying that I have bi-polar, but thinking that bpd could be a more
    accurate diagnosis. How does one get diagnosed?
    Thanks for being transparent.

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  16. so pleased to have found you (and your followers). Nice to know I'm not alone in this

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  17. I find your blog googling the two words borderline and "just like a woman". I still can't believe, that borderline is an illness, since 30 years ago all women seemed to have "borderline" — just watch old movies, or listen to bob dylans "just like a woman". Sometimes i wonder, if this diagnosis is much more as the hate of a world, that don't want accept that life is pain, love, loniness, connection and still wonderful (sometimes)? A world that hates women? A world that want as all as machines, pretty good to handle?
    Klaus Heck, Aachen, Germany

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    1. For one, Borderline is not only for women, as there are males with it, too, and that would include me...

      Onto another subject, Borderline is a true illness. It's not fake, or made up, it's real. Psychologists and psychiatrists know this, because the symptoms are not as normal as you think, and if one were to scan the brain of mentally ill people, they'd notice their brains are different from the ones of "normal" people. Chemically different.

      Brain scans are not yet able to be used to diagnose disorders, but they prove that illnesses are real, by showing us these chemical imbalances.

      You don't understand what it's like because you don't have Borderline Personality Disorder. It's not something being faked, and it's not something that can be turned off. Until you develop Borderline, you just won't know.

      And if you do, you wouldn't just have the symptoms, you'd actually have a feeling that something is wrong with you and that you're sick. That's when you'll know you have something. All though, there are even behaviors and disorders in which people do not know something is wrong. Others in which they know something is wrong, but do not know what. This can extend to the point that they don't know if there's even a label for it.

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    2. mr heck...being a woman was not and is not being mentally ill. many movies are made illustrating serial killers lives, bpd'd people, sex addicts, child abusers, drug addicts, etc. many movies in the past were made by creative people who had known or actually were bpd, but my god man, that doesn't mean it illustrated "womanhood!"
      your biased perceptive and lack of knowledge on the subject of women and mental illness tells a few things but cannot diagnose you. i will say this though; being unable to control oneself on the emotional front and manipulating without choosing, cheating without comprehending consequence, fear and anxiety that you arent enough ruling your acts and the inability to track the past present and future as others do....and so much more is not a "way people are," and i learned all this from a man, not a woman. it was devastatingly hard to understand that this person truly didn't see the world of relationships with other people in a way that would ever bring him any emotional contentment, much less happiness. his fears are kept masked SUBCONSCIOUSLY behind illusions to always prevent others from knowing him and his deluded view of himself and others feelings about him and others ways of living keep will keep him inside a dark pit of need for those protections and soothing addictions and acting out for sabotage forever, (i hope/wish not.) the cycle is terrible. bpd is a mental illness, not a sex determined construct. i hope you have the opportunity to love and appreciate the women in your life. i hope you are worthy of them and their support of you.

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  18. I love your blog because you can put things in a way that I can't, yet it's how I would if I could. It's a skill I had once where I could step out of my own mind and look at myself, make notes and step back in! As a personality disorder BPD is everything isn't it? Yes it's flavoured by life, experience and co-morbid disorders just like any other "personality" would be because our personality is who we are. If that is shaped and moulded by the "disorder" so we are disordered. My journey with BPD is different to most. I was it seems high functioning enough to live with it growing up and it wasn't until a massive break-up brought out the madness within at age 40! Now nearly 50 it's a weaker disorder but it has left scars.

    When you grow up with this disorder I guess you have no way of knowing what is wrong just that things are not right. I blamed myself for being "wrong" or just bad in some way. This sets the scene for the rest of your life, self esteem and confidence are so damaged that you develop differently. I was stunned and relieved initially when I was labelled "Borderline" because the diagnosis explained so much and I finally understood so many of my issues and feelings. There seem to be so many variations of how this disorder affects people and I guess it really is an umbrella term of themed behaviours that appear so different applied to real people. As my own BPD calms, relents and I stabilize with time I sometimes miss the lack of responsibility that the madness allows. I became a grown up again and it was quite nice being that mad kid, and I lost some of that guilt and self hate. It's just a self "not like" now with fewer mood swings and a latent depression. I catch myself better too when I react as a borderline, self awareness perhaps.

    There is so much of your blog still to read LOL, thanks!

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  19. I just want to thank you for your blogs. I have BPD also and at times find it hard to get my head my head round my behaviour or emotions etc, and reading your blog helps me gain some kind of sense of my world. So thank you again :) x

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  20. Hi I Am just out of a marriage after 26 years with a woman whom I Think may have this illness,Its very sad on our children as Ive done nothing wrong.She just left with them?Its just doesnt make any logical sense why shes done this..

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  21. I have borderline, and went I am in one of my fits I experience intense pain and heat shooting up and down my spine. Often the only way to stop it is to scream or to hit something. Do other people experience this? My boyfriend is trying to understand, but he uses my borderline as an excuse in day to day fights, like if I get annoyed that he woke me up he would say "Why are you doing this again?" I am just annoyed about him waking me up, but that comment brings on a full borderline screaming fit were I feel like he doesn't hear me. Help!?

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    1. Hi Anonymous, april 3, 7.32 pm
      It sounds to me you go of into an uncontrollable rage. A problem with your adrenals, a symptom from having been under chronic stress for a long time, or unresolved trauma. Here in the Netherlands they now say BPD is for 50% curable. You might try out Mindfulness, which is a very easy and useful way to learn to hold your emotions. When holding them, they will change by themselves. Emotions expressed, hitting things, does not change the emotions. And teach your boyfriend the difference between symptoms and having a row or conflict. Only accept people in your life who want to be with you as YOU. Remove and avoid the toxic ones, unless they are familymembers. Those are, can be the greatest assets to test the waters, get stronger in our responses, for they will supply you unasked with all the negative dysfunctional familypatterns. Claim your right though for retreat, pauses when it gets to be too much. Let yourself not be abused all over again by siblings, like just happened to me, when i announced a retreat from contact.
      Screaming can be done silently. Find the core issue of who you really wanted to scream to. Think of signals with your boyfriend to let him know, when it is borderline. Reactive behaviour never is useful. Also when things are too much, writing to each other is a safer tool and very legitimate. Courage to you and to him. I applaud you both for trying a relationship.

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    2. Thank you Anonymous April 4, 2013 at 3:47 AM,

      so if in the middle of an argument and I feel an attack coming on, would it be better for me to retreat? I was physically abused by my siblings as children. It was there way of dealing with my parents very horrible divorce. Now, we are close but none of them believe that I have developed borderline as a result. They think that I am crazy. Therefore my feelings are never justified. So when it comes to arguing with my boyfriend, if we have a small disagreement where I believe that he is wrong, I get obsessive and need him to admit fault and apologize. But he won't apologize for things he doesn't believe were his fault. So it makes me mad, and I get pain in my spine and it ultimately ends with me cowering in the corner with tunnel vision wishing I was dead (although I would never act on it) hoping for the pain to stop. I don't remember anything afterward a lot of the time.

      Since moving away from my home where I have lived for the past 7 years it has gotten so much worse. Every day is a struggle. I have no friends here and no family, just my boyfriend. And moving here wasn't exactly my idea. I am trying to make it work, but the attacks are more frequent now and he is very stressed with his own things, so isn't as equipt to deal with me anymore. So I feel more alone. I practise yoga but even that doesn't work sometimes.

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    3. Hi anonymous april 3.
      We are never our symptoms. Some 30 years ago, my then therapist enlightened me that borderline was not even a real disease, just a label for many not understood mental health disorders/dysfunctions. Yet we know something does not work right. A label, a stigma is just that. Sometimes helpful as it can direct you to helpful advise, sometimes dangerous, as you can loose your children over it. It seems to me, you get triggered when you get into an arguement with your boyfriend. That escalates right into the coreproblem/imprint. Like me you wanting to die might me an inprint, stemming from childhood, or it might just come from despair, believing you will never get this right. You are doing something else you would not be here. Your family possibly has never done anything with dysfunctional familypatterns, like mine never had. After my mother's death i tried to return, but just could not take the negativity, my body getting more and more sick, having taken the deathroute. Mine comes from a mother attempting abortion on me, being very unwanted, and a mother wanting to commit suicide, extremely depressed, every day while pregnant. I have found that writing is much easier for me then being in direct contact, where i not only have to process my braininfo but also all that i sense of the other person. Especially when disagreeing/having a different opinion, everything seems to explode. With siblings i can only state my opinion when different in writing. John Gray wrote that in a book, long time ago, for partners when addressing difficult issues. You are the observer, the healer the parent of yourself now. So you are able to master some control over what is happening, feel the first symptoms rising in you/becoming unmanageable. You could agree on a handmovement, so you can let your boyfriend know, when the boundary is crossed/you cannot take it any longer in a sane way. You can always get back to it later. Just agree on taking it step for step, and to practice at becoming a more functional adult. Meanwhile Mindfulness is a course, there is also lots of free info on the internet. It will teach you how to relax your body, while standing your emotions. Takes a lot of time to practice at first, but later becomes a way of life. You are not your boyfriend's responsibility, nor can or should he be your rescuer. He should be in the relationship, so should you, because you think of each other as the most extraordinary person you know, love and want to be with. Love when feeling like being tolerated, despite your disorder, is not love, wastes a lot of your time and does not work. On YouTube there are a lot of brainwavemeditations. I love those by Mountainmystic, they are great for stabilizing your brains. Just forget what all the experts say, stop defending you have a disorder and own that you have one. Just found the site www.healthyplace.com. You are not alone, allthough i know all about how that feels. Right now my family collapsed and my return in my family of origin backfired. But i am very proud i finally decided to stop hiding and defending my dysfunctional behaviour/symptoms. If/when people do not want me as i am in their lives, i am going to learn to accept that and live with it. Mind you, as a mother/grandmother that is yet another trauma on top of many others.

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    4. It is possible you are sensitive and pick up the energy of your boyfriend. Taking a shower rubbing your body with seasalt, cleans you of the energy of others. You just need some tools. Moving house is one of the greatest stressors. Maybe you can find some things that are good about the move and focus on those. Nice things to do in the area, which is very good for your brain.You do not need to justify your feelings to anyone. You need to create safe places for yourself, and not overstay your ability to cope in those that are not. You are alive, you need no permission. Your disorder should not become an excuse to others, that your dysfunctional behaviour is acceptable. It should be an explanation, coupled with your willingness to heal and to become functional. Just think of footballplayers or use some other goofy thing, a sign, showing a yellow card at your boyfriend, when all goes haywire, no matter whose fault it is. Guilt does not work very well in healing. There are also some supplements i use. B 3 Niacine, the flushkind, Rhodiola, Ashgawanda, GABA that take the edge of, but still leave you able to keep at healing/transforming your issues. With a horrible divorce, you were most likely subjected to negativity much earlier in your life, then when your siblings took it out on you.

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  22. I believe the truth will always set anyone free. No worries, Haven.

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  23. This is a wonderful site, Haven. Perhaps you are doing it as your own way to express and vent the swirl within you (I think I'm a non, but we all swirl inside . . some are more honest about it than others), but whatever your motivation, you are doing a great service to those of us out here living with BPD or in my case, in a relationship with someone with BPD. Your thoughts, insights and especially, the view from the inside are helpful and validating for all. And like life and BPD and virtually any "diagnosis" etc., the universe is not clear . . it's blurry. Every BPD is different. Every non is different. Diagnosis in psych land involves "this is what it's most like" vs "this is what it IS." Perhaps I myself am a hopeless co-dependent, perhaps an inverted N, but I love my BPD gf very much, adore her intelligence, creativity and iconoclastic ways . . she's beautiful, utterly unique and sexy . . . true, she doesn't buy me gifts or ask me details about my life or remember my birthday, etc . . . but as crazy as it sounds, I KNOW she loves me in her own way. She is not an outward BPD, but the quiet type. She HAS acted out sexually and once did the full disappearance/ignoring my existence over a two year period. It almost killed me, but it was long ago now. Perhaps its my own codependence or inverted N tendency. I decided "That's it!" But when she came back simply stating, "I'm sorry I hurt you so badly. I always want you in my life." How could I not love her. We are both creative artists and there is just a kernel of something so special and beautiful inside her, and a real vulnerability beneath the shell, that I can't help but love Her. I did lay down one solid limit. She can NEVER abandon me again. She will lose me forever. She said she will not and it's been several years now. I am a deeply empathic, empathetic energy being . . . deeply sensitive to people's mood and energies, and I've been told psychic. I feel like I usually get her and feel her inside. She does too, and for now at least, seems to genuinely value me. Time will tell. Perhaps I'm fooling myself, but I do love her as she is. I think she's beautiful.

    Anyway, let me repeat, you are doing many people a wonderful service here Haven. I wish you peace and to whatever level it's possible, contentment.

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  24. It makes me sad that I've spent my whole life feeling like an alien, separate from everyone. After I had my son and got married I realized something wasn't right. I finally figured out what was wrong with me... but it's made me pretty depressed. Reading your blog helps, more than it hurts... but it still hurts. It's conflicting. A relief in some ways to know that I'm not just crazy. But at the same time feeling crazier than ever before.

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  25. Dear Haven, thank you so much for your blog. I grew up with a BPD mother and was married for 15 years with a BPD wife until her fear of being abandoned by me made her run away and file for divorce while doing anything she could to make me hate her. The pain was unbearable and I needed to be treated for PTSS. However, just as I still love my mum so I love her and look upon her with compassion even though she cannot believe I do. However, I never understood what she and my mum are going through. Your blog has helped me get a better understanding and appreciation of the gigantic battle they face every day. Thank you.

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  26. I just discovered your blog so as of yet have only read a few articles, but I can tell already it's inspired me to get a blog roll on my blog to keep yours close by. Thank you for your extraordinary articles about life with BPD. I've read much about it from the clinical sense but your posts ring so true and familiar that they fill me with the validation I've found nowhere else.

    I've had difficulty writing for my own blog because of PTSD, BPD, major depression, anxiety, Fibromyalgia, etc. (so true how so many of these [disorders] go hand in hand) but when I do get my short stories out there, I enjoy it immensely.

    I'm impressed with how thorough and deeply you delve into so many appropriate topics. I look forward to working my way through your posts. Thanks again for all your work on this.

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  27. Thank you for having this blog. I think there's a lot I can learn from you.

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  28. BPD is how to love and care so much that the majority of significant others in our lives will feel so overwhelmed that they abandon us, leaving us alone in our desperate hours, not only to be left in the slow torture of our own self doubts but to be then able to love anew and forgive with ease and always continue to try.

    I have noted a widespread misunderstanding... that one must need "love oneself before one can love any other" in my opinion this logic is back to front,
    Surely, before anyone can love themselves they must first be validated as worthwhile and shown genuine love by others in their life.

    Love to you all,
    :*

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  29. Hi Have

    I would just like to thank you for your for this blog and your honesty of how you feel.

    I have recently split up with my girlfriend who I believe may have BPD. I have spent years in utter confusion as to what was going on. I now realise through reading everything I could some of what she has been going through.

    Looking back I realise that there where so many times that she was trying to tell me but I either didn't see or she withdrew and changed course.

    Reading your blogs has saddened me and left me feeling guilty for my behaviour with my ex. It has also saddened me as I realise there will never be the fairy-tale ending that I had hoped for. But they have also given me hope. Not hope for a miraculous cure but the hope that I can interact with her in a more healthy manner than I have done in the past. We have a son together and as much as it will hurt me when she meets someone else I think I am now more prepared to deal with it for his sake than I was before.

    Thank you

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  30. Responding to Anonymous June 27, 2014 at 10:35 PM, I have been in a relationship for the last four years with a person whom I am convinced is completely BPD -- I hate to diagnose but I have spent the greater part of three years trying to understand the "events". When we first started one of the things she would say was "everyone I have ever know has let me down and left.....etc, please don't leave me when I act crazy or moody" And then one night “you are the only one who gets me, and I have you on a pedestal” I have been around the block a number of times and never have I been confronted with her type of mood swings...and extraordinarily they are completely cyclical. I went to a Therapists for a year one to learn coping skills and to make sure I was not just being co-dependent.. She always asked what we talked about but refused to go saying "Why should I pay someone to tell me what I already know".?

    My concern this is the fourth year where (about this time of the year) when things are going dreamily well she will inexplicably "pole vault over a mouse turd" catching me fully off-guard-- we have a fight and she walks out... not to be heard from for about a month....she will never respond to email, phone calls, text etc., although I know she is reading them.. She aligns herself with people who reinforce her negativity... and then suddenly---after I stop reaching out I will get a text or a phone call to talk??? Part of her explanation is "well i tried to end it and you wouldn't go away" I mean really WTF? Despite efforts to get a commitment from her if she really wanted to end this just tell me...and I am gone.... never a response. So if a BPD has such fears of abandonment, how do we stay strong enough to support.? Jc

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  31. Beautifully put.

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  32. I just had this label slapped across my forehead by my therapist. Today. My head is spinning and I want to vomit.

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  33. Hello Haven,

    I emailed you last month; however, your blog page states that you don't check that email address often. Is there an alternative way for me to contact you?

    I am conducting interviews for a research study, largely focused on personality disorders, and I would like to email you information in case it might interest you. My email address is: Price049@cougars.csusm.edu. I look forward to hearing from you.

    Stephanie

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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