Monday, January 31, 2011

Escapism

I'm always trying to escape being trapped in my own head, be it activities, movies, reading, sex, whatever. I alternate between extreme introversion and extreme extroversion. There’s rarely a middle ground. Both forms of temperament tend to be aimed at escapism from my own headspace. To counter a mind open to ruminating and racing thoughts. I would say to keep me from being bored, but I’m almost never bored. I don’t understand the concept. I always have approximately a million things I could be doing no matter the situation. My shoulder bag has notebooks, sketchpads, books, drawing and writing utensils, a small laptop, all things aimed at keeping my brain busy.

I read, write, draw, create costumes, sew, cook, bake. All things that I need to focus my full attention on in order to complete. Or I fight, fuck, dance… all things that require no thought and full action, distract from my thoughts.

I love to read. I can submerge myself in scientific periodicals and engage my mind in clinical thoughts. Or delve into mythos and fantasy, transporting myself into an entirely different world. A world that is not this one. When my mind is so focused somewhere else, it’s impossible for me to focus on myself.

Movies are another favorite past time. I even rate how good a movie is by how well it holds my attention. If my mind wanders off during a film it couldn’t have been that great because it didn’t hold my interest fully.

Masquerade events are a full process. I generally create all my own costumes from scratch so it gives me time to occupy my evenings leading up to it. Putting on my clothes I can put on a persona and slip into a fantasy role.

Drawing is a wonder. When I have an image in mind I can lose myself for hours designing, drawing, shading. Pour my heart and my energy onto paper and the time just slips away.

Cooking and baking is twofold because it’s something I do for other people. It’s one of the ways I show affection, take care of the people in my life. I create elaborate multi course meals and consume myself with the prep work. Everything timed just so every minute is filled. While one thing is baking, another is being prepped or sautéed or boiled. While some thing simmers another fries. I orchestrate so many things at any given time I’m a mad rush of pots, pans, and delicious smells.

I wonder if I do this on purpose to stave off boredom, or if there are other underlying reasons. I wonder what would happen if I stopped distracting myself; left myself alone with my thoughts. I imagine nothing good. I tend to feel hollow, empty. Filling the minutes fills my life, keeps it from slipping away into obscurity. Would I discover some previously uncovered truth? Or unearth a purposefully buried trauma?  If I’m not constantly occupied I feel like I have no purpose. On the plus side, I tend to be very productive.

It often feels like everything is frantic rush to or from occupying my mind and time. Trying to forget and trying to hold on.

6 comments:

  1. I can't really comment on the why, but even when I try to engross myself with activities, I inevitably become bored. I envy your ability to stay occupied and stimulated.

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  2. I am forever searching out new and interesting things to involve myself in. I can't stand the thought of being bored. What kinds of activities have you tried?

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  3. Hey .. can u send me nudes Im 11

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  4. Hello

    I am a girl of 18 who right now sits in a big sofa, situated in Sweden, reading. Page after page of the comfort i feeling that I am not alone. I have never read a description so close my own.
    I got the BPD diagnose a couple of months ago but as you earlier said, the signs have been there for years.
    I look up to you for being so brave, for sharing all of this. I will be following your blog from now on, it gives me so much strength knowing I am not alone.

    Take care!

    Paulina, 18
    Uppsala, Sweden

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  5. Hi Paulina!
    I'm so glad I can provide comfort, insight, and strength into your struggles with BPD. I'm very glad to have you reading along with me =)

    Thank you!
    Haven

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  6. See I try to escape the world around me instead of my own thoughts. I spend too much time in my own head to distract myself from the urges to go somewhere else, anywhere other than here.

    Well written :)

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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