Thursday, January 13, 2011

My Deadly Sin - Criteria 8 / Anger

Criteria 8: inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights). 


Anger. Wrath would be a better description. Not so long ago when I was a turbulent teen my wrath was explosive and violent. The smallest things would set me off. I’d scream and lash out at my family, my friends, put my fist through windows and walls, break down doors, at the smallest slight that most wouldn’t think twice about. Anything that didn’t go how I needed it to, was a loss of control and I railed against the loss. Fought to get it back. Violently.

I’ve developed greater control of my anger as I’ve grown older. Learned ways to redirect and channel my inner rage. Of course I didn’t know why at the time, everyone just thought I was a temperamental teenager. I hadn’t been diagnosed with my personality disorder yet but I knew something was wrong with me. Oh yes, I knew. I thought I could deal with it myself. I’d try to control myself, hold everything in, bottle it up until I couldn’t hold it in any longer and then I’d pop like warm champagne spraying blood and tears across the walls. Usually my own.

Now I’ve learned to face my problems directly. It doesn’t always stop the unjustifiable anger, but I can calmly approach a problem and work to devise a suitable solution. At some point my dissociation also intrudes, and instead of maintaining the rage that I would normally feel, I feel nothing. My ability to care or give importance to a situation slips away. On the one hand it’s good, because I no longer blow things out of proportion. In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters all that much so I can just let it go. This is one of the ways I’ve learned to use my dissociation to my advantage. It has taken a lot of time and effort to work on though. Some days I can’t stop the agitation and irritability, every small thing sets me off when all I want is to be left alone to do what I’m doing. To block out the noise and chatter. Unfortunately when you work in the real world with other people you don’t always get what you want and you have to adapt. Adjust. Suppress the mental urges just to get by….



3 comments:

  1. When does this outer directed wrath cross the line into verbal, mental, and emotional abuse from the BPD toward the clueless non who suddenly feels this hatred directed at MY heart, soul, and character attacking me with my own wounds ?

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    Replies
    1. Totally with you, brother/sister.

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  2. I love that you're real and spot-on....I've been wearing my mask for yearrrrsss! Not knowing but knowing u know?! I feel relieved and scared, at the same time, to know there are more ME's in this world than not. I just found your blog and had to comment...I know I'm like 5 years late but thank you for sharing, we appreciate you talking throughout our struggle...we have a voice!

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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