Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Intolerable boredom

 Arg. Being bored drives me insane. I’m down to my last few days at this current job. I have no more work to do. I absolutely can’t stand this. I’m antsy and anxious. I’ve asked my boss for some small project to do (he hasn’t responded to my request), I have read all of the blogs I follow, done a ton of research for my own (seriously I have fodder for probably 75 posts), updated my Tumblr (which is an extension of this blog but with more pictures), got up, smoked a cigarette, I’ll go to the gym on my lunch break, exhausted my news sites…. And it’s not even noon. I can not just sit here all day and stare at my screen with nothing to keep me entertained. I’m actually looking forward to nuking a veggie sausage and chopping up my apple at lunch just to have something to do with my hands. I’m ridiculously frustrated. I do not sit still well. My brain keeps roaming down destructive paths, like why does my friend IM me everyday but has begun to deviate from our traditional greeting? Of course I ruminate on this for days and finally ask him, but he hasn’t responded and now I think he’s trying to ignore it and avoid answering the question. Then with another friend I’m plotting to take over a dormant volcano to create a young super villains’ boarding school. Who does that? At least going to the gym spends time. It almost goes too fast. Going to the gym is like a time machine. It’s wonderful. Driving there takes time, working out takes time, I even read while I’m biking or doing some other forms of cardio so I’m distracting myself while I’m distracted. It’s like taking myself completely out of my own world and dropping me into a parallel dimension of productivity. Time flies, my mood lifts, I come back to work, and suddenly the hours begin to drag on and on and on again. This is intolerable. I don’t like having the space for my thoughts to roam freely. They like to find the hardest places and off road into peril, BASE jumping off cliffs without a freaking parachute. Ugh. This is why I am always busy. This is why I actually like to work and be challenged and immerse my mind in the most difficult things I can find. It blots out the noise.

Update: So I asked my friend why he didn't ask me how I was doing anymore. When I got back from the gym he had responded. Though in the mean time I had convinced myself that his wife was interfering to disrupt our relationshp, and our friendship was ending. Anyways, he said he just hadn't realized and then asked how I was. My cognitive/emotional process? I was relieved and instantly felt better because he had responded and we continued chatting as normal. Cognitively I am suspicious and I don't believe him. How do you do something everyday for almost a year, deviate, and not notice that you've deviated? He has no reason to lie to me, and as far as I know, has never lied to me before. Trust issues much? You betcha. Feeling betrayed and relieved at the same time is exhausting and incredibly confusing. 

9 comments:

  1. You have described my current employment to a T. The only difference between yours and mine, you only have a few more days of it. I have no such escape. But, as a happy, problem free acquaintance once told me, "To Infinity, And Beyond".

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  2. Hi, Thanks for your comment on my blog. I have been browsing around yours for a little while. I like your direct honesty! How refreshing! I look forward to reading more.

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  3. @ib ... Hopefully To Infinity, And Beyond is exactly where I'll be headed =) I wish you more pleasantly exciting work days.

    @Galen... I like your blog a lot. You're very thoughtful with a sense of calm encouragement.

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  4. Man that sucks, really I feel for you because I JUST got out of that predicament! Anyway, cool blog, I like your profile :D Following!

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  5. @BlahCooCooBlah... I can't wait to get out of this. Only a few more days! And thanks, you rock =)

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  6. Hello, I stumbled across the blog in search for more info on BPD. I suffer from BPD as well and I too LOVE going to the gym for the exact same reasons... it takes up time. I don't mean this unlovingly, it's nice to see someone else carrying the same burden. I don't feel alone. Thanks for your blog

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  7. Hi Anon. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have the gym/the ability to work out all the time. It fills the time and actually helps control my depression/anxiety a little bit. Definitely not alone =)

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  8. I am the same way, I hate being alone with my thoughts, they tend to race through all kinds of paranoid problematic issues. I have someone I am talking to, and it's an on again off again thing, that I feel I just keep misunderstanding. I enjoy texting and when I text someone I like to be responded to. At first they will talk and text for hours on end. Then later through the week it seems like they are ignoring me. Is this just part of the fear thought or devaluing that we seem to not be able to get away from? When they do text me back it is usually one or two words. I write paragraphs lol. Do I just wait, because I am not good with cliff hangers. :( what do I do? I'm having tug of war with my thoughts.

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    1. Especially when relationships are newer it's common to text a lot at first. It's also very common for texting and virtual communication exchanges to drop off as people get to know each other... for 'normal' people. Those of us with BPD need that constant validation and acknowledgement to feel a stronger connection to those we want to be in contact with. Regular people internalize others more easily so they don't need this constant acknowledgement. I doubt it has anything to do with feelings for you changing, it's more likely that they just don't understand the constant need for attention the way you feel it.

      I absolutely know the frustration of texting someone so much and only getting a minimal reply. Is the quality of the time you spend together in person still the same? Maybe that would be a better indicator of things between you.

      I know for a lot of people they also just don't have the unlimited time to dedicate to constant texting and communication. People have lives, projects, work, errands, other friends, just daily life stuff that they need to take care of as well. It can be daunting to have to deal with all of that and have to constantly keep up a steady stream of conversation wtih so much else on their mind.

      I would say, ease up on the texting to when you have genuine topics to talk about. Or bring up that you feel like he's not communicating the same way and ask if it's because he feels you text too much or just if he's busy and can't get back to your right away.

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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