Unfortunately I have a lot of these.
- Being alone when I need friends (specific friends) – my loneliness is the worst trigger I have.
- My best friend not texting or IMing back – feeling ignored, abandoned, automatically thinking I’d done something wrong that caused this lack of attention.
- Seeing women that I wish I looked like.
- A friend sending me artistic nudes - reminding me of how I used to look or thinking that since I don’t look that way I am not good enough in his eyes.
- Seeing highly stylized clothing that I love but can’t yet pull off.
- Going over my calorie count for the day – loss of self imposed control .
- Clothes not fitting right – remind of control lost.
- Not getting enough sleep.
(I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting)
- Finding something from friends lost. Thoughts/situations that remind me of them...
- Friends complaining about tiny injuries.
- Beautiful scars.
- Needing attention - Being so alone, removed from the world, that I can’t/won’t be out with friends.
I also have a tendency to punish myself. To remind me that what I did was not acceptable. Traditionally this has manifested as self harm or damaging thoughts. Over the last few months though these thoughts have disappeared. Self harm is almost always on my mind even though I very rarely act on it. My control has gotten very good and I only act on it maybe a couple times a year. But the thoughts are always there at the back of my mind. Until a couple months ago. That I haven’t had these thoughts, is something new, something good. I didn’t even realize that they were missing until yesterday. I felt I messed up, but instead of wanting to punish myself I reminded myself that I could start again in the morning. That this one incident wasn’t a permanent mark. At least, not as long as I didn’t leave one (I mean this figuratively as much as literally). I still feel like yesterday was an all bad day for me, but I have hope that today will be better. That I can have the will power to set me back where I want to be. There are still days I’m so lonely and really need friends, but the other three no longer seem to hold any power of me. That’s an accomplishment all on its own.
If I can overcome some of the more destructive triggers I have, there’s hope that I can overcome the rest.