Thursday, March 31, 2011

Borderline Boredom


Boredom should not be allowed.

Came home from the gym. Increased my lifting weight. Everything is tired. I don’t want to move. I have no motivation. No inspiration to draw. No attention span to read.  Nothing to keep me occupied. Alone with my thoughts. Empty. Everything just feels empty. I want a drink. Drinking at least lets me fill the void a little. Take my mind away ::sigh:: At the same time I want to not drink. When you know you shouldn’t do something and you need help not doing that thing, that’s when you ask for help right? So I ask Friend for motivation to not drink, and I just get fucking angry when I’m given reasons not to! I make no bloody sense. Fucking Buddhist meditative logic like: it messes with my meds, frustrating levels of libido, and makes irrational thoughts crop up. Whatever. The libido issues I deal with daily. I’ll give him they mess with my meds, but my meds don’t seem to be helping anyways so what’s the point? I already have irrational thoughts, my mind is a very busy place to be >> But they tend to lead to self loathing and the last couple times I drank (that he knows about) I said things trying to get him angry at me. >> Which I promptly freaked out about. I need to not be left alone. I need to not be left to my own thoughts. Something, anything to occupy this space that goes on forever. I can’t stand it.

And by the way ‘Empty’ is not a feeling. It’s a lack of feeling. What the hell is there to say about feeling empty. There’s nothing there! Of course now I’m worked up and agitated, so I guess that’s something.

Too many thoughts that go everywhere and nowhere and wrap back in on me. I need distracting. Just for a while.

Maybe just one…




This thought brought to you by: Rage Against the Buddhist.

Grr.



3 comments:

  1. So, is frustration better than emptiness? I would think so.

    http://ficklecattle.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  2. CHANGE THIS LAYOUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO READ WITH ALL THESE THINGS IN THE BACK

    ReplyDelete
  3. I dig this. If I don't have someone interesting around giving me enough mental/emotional stimulation, there is this agonizing nothingness. I keep thinking of what I could do to feel something, and when all else fails, I drink.

    ReplyDelete

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