Monday, March 14, 2011

Distortion: Conceptions of Borderline Personality Disorder - Part 3

Getting back to our look at Gundersons' Conceptions of BPD... 


- Distorted thoughts/perceptions, particularly in terms of relationships and interactions with others

Ugh. Yes. These come in various forms for me. 

Wanting there to be more than there is. ::sigh:: I do this at some point, in almost every relationship, be it romantic or platonic, that I’ve ever had. There’s an time where I could fall in love with everyone I let close. If I have a significant other, this can be a fleeting moment. More often I want to be more to people than I want them to be for me. Once I’ve let someone in, once they’ve become very close to me, the relationship builds in my mind. I have a hard time distinguishing between healthy platonic love and romantic love, almost obsessive desire. I want it to become more. I see more. If there’s more, then they won’t want to let me go. They won’t walk away, won’t leave, won’t abandon me. If I’m more, if I can provide everything someone needs, they’ll need me in a way that does not make me expendable.

Or, the extreme opposite… wanting someone to want absolutely nothing more than there is. To not be any closer, to not confide in me more, to not touch me, sit near me… keep a very distinct distance. I have a very difficult time with blurry lines and familial relationships. They’re either very close, or a mile apart.

Splitting. All good. All bad. Hero or villain. I generally give people a wary benefit of the doubt at first.  I can take a lot. I can deal with a lot. I put up with a lot. Until I can’t. Sometimes this fluxuates. It depends on how things were the last time I saw someone. If I’ve been slighted, hurt, embarrassed, clearly this person doesn’t give a rats ass about me anymore. Everything we’ve been through together has been a lie. All they’ve done is use me, to torment me, to push me further from people that would actually care in an attempt to break me. They’re terrible. And so am I. If they could treat me this way, I must deserve it in some way. Right? Wrong. Or they’re wonderful, considerate, closer to me than anyone else in the world.  I can trust them completely and know they always have my best interest in mind. I’m someone of value to deserve such wonderful friends. They can do nothing wrong. Until they do. Then redeem themselves. Back and forth. There’s no middle ground. No grey area. No understanding that just because someone messes up, that it doesn’t nullify every other aspect of the relationship.

Or in some instances, and really there have been a lot…. I take so much, I absorb so much of people’s energy, believe them so good, for so long.  Give them more support than I can manage for myself, be there at all hours of the night, providing everything I can to comfort or console or provide some semblance of happiness… until they’ve sucked up all I have to give, and I can’t give anymore. Oh somewhere along the way I usually fuck something up, something not terribly important, but I’m human and it feels more important than it should be, then everything I do is wrong. Nothing I do is good enough anymore, they keep putting more on me until finally the weight of their needs and expectations and my guilt, breaks me. And they’re forever ruined to me. Once this happens, it’s done. There’s no going back, no longer anything to salvage. It’s just over. The near endless energy I have, is severed. If you’re close enough to me that I will pour every emotional ounce into you, leaving very little to take care of myself, and you refuse to allow me any flexibility to be human, I break under the pressure, and some things simply cannot be rebuilt. And I no longer want to try. I move on.

Paranoia. Paranoia isn’t such a problem for me. Well, I mean, it is, just not my biggest problem. I always think people are taking digs at me, trying to make me uncomfortable or alienate me, undermine my intelligence… but I can usually keep these thoughts controlled enough that I don’t make a scene from them. I hold them in, let them fester, and then silently implode instead of directly confronting the person(s) that make me feel this way. Which if I would do from the onset, civilly, ask if that was what they meant or if I was just interpreting it wrong, but that would be rational, and when you’re rather paranoid, well, it would also be embarrassing to show people just how paranoid you really are.


It's always intense. Wild euphoria, heady love, blistering revenge or seething wrath. Not, slightly prickly or mildly satisfied. In between states of emotion are uncommon. Sure there are calm days. Days of relative contentment, but they're disproportionately rare. 

I’m sure there are other ways for other people. Anyone experience other ways? These were the three things that popped out at me as I’m writing this. 

8 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. "it would also be embarrassing to show people just how paranoid you really are."

    Often my vulnerability is more attractive to some. It is more attractive to those that matter, I suppose. Thank You, Haven.

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  3. I could have so written this myself. All or nothing. Once it's done, it's done. No remorse. No sense of loss. Its over. Move on to the next.

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  4. I would have to largely agree. However. Having said that. I did find one exception to...hrmm...for arguments sake, lets call it "The rule"

    Intensity. Euphoria. Heaven. Eden. Yet in her absence that cold, virtually freezing draft would course through my soul.

    And I could not prevent myself from acting on the sensation. In hindsight, though I new it not then, nor in any prior relationship, my behaviour was textbook BPD. On and off for four years, so many chances given and lost.

    And the fact chances were tendered, after I had done my worst, lashed out time and again with the harshest and cruellest words, stands as a testament to one fact.

    "True love is made of sturdy stuff" This girl was truly amazing in every category, she was never short of options. And yet! She tried with me for four years, before really, finally, abandoning me completely.

    I still feel tragic loss, regret and pain, even though it ended permanently over two years ago.
    I still feel her, in every breath I draw.

    All my prior relationships, the switch pretty much switched off once I felt too burnt, as you have described so aptly. Seemingly in this one instance the ride was so powerful, so tumultuous, that the switch seemed to of fused permanently in the "On" Position.

    Much to my unending sadness. And thanks to emotions I couldn't control.

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  5. Thank you for your insight Masked Avenger! I really appreciate the enhanced perspective.

    My form of BPD differs a little in that I also have a dissociative disorder so I detach and break emotionally from reality when it becomes too intense for me to handle. I feel all of this intensity that you describe, but for me, if I hit a point where there's a snap and/or abandonment that I can't recover from, I dissociate from the person completely and it's as if they were never a part of my life though I still wear the scars from the experience.

    Again, thank you so much.

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  7. F... I am still hospitalized for having a break down. Found out I am BPD and ADHD at 32 years old. I can't imagine a good future with this diagnosis. But understanding my affliction is the first step. Thanks

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  8. Hello Santiago =) It sounds like you have a difficult road again, but don't lose hope. It is absolutely possible to have a good future. It's just going to take a littl effort.

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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