Monday, March 7, 2011

It can stop now. Please?


Hard decisions are hard. Everything hurts. I’m so tired of everything hurting. 

Realized my time marker was mid-April not mid-March. Can’t wait that long with everything eating away at my insides. Told Friend everything that has been crushing me. Tearing me apart. It went exactly as I expected it to, and not as I wanted. That, I have to accept. Doesn’t make it hurt less. He’s not in love with me, which I knew. He does love me. Go to the ends of the earth for me, closest confidant and friend, blah blah blah. Doesn’t want to lose me. I told him I need him to stay away from me. I need space for a while.

::tears:: I hate how everything keeps changing. And I’m still left alone. I just want something to stay. It feels so cruel to me to have so much and then to have it change so suddenly. I just, can’t. I don’t know how to deal with this. Is like someone reached through my ribs, grabbed my stomach and twisted it up into my throat.

I get so invested. So attached. I don't know how to not.

I needed to do this. I was so angry this weekend. Both him and his wife were texting me like mad to come over and worried that I wasn’t well. She wanted me to come over for dinner Sunday. I fought with myself and tried to excuse myself by telling her I was off food again (Cleanse, not a random fit of anorexia). She said she they really just wanted my company. ::sigh:: So what do I do? I make a pie. Homemade, from scratch, my own recipe that I’ve worked on for years and is the pinnacle of perfect, 2.5 hours, Dutch Crumble Apple Pie. Last week it was Chocolate French Silk.  I don’t know why I do this. Baking and cooking is one of my ultimate distraction techniques.  It’s a running joke that I make multi course gourmet meals, stunning, that I don’t eat. ::headdesk:: I was uncomfortable, couldn’t even look at them hardly, couldn’t even pretend anymore. No false smiles, no jokes… Though finding out that Bitter Melon was made of hate, did make me laugh out loud… left early, drove through the rain longer than I had to. Fitting.

Rage. He’s all understanding and infuriating. How am I supposed to stay mad when people are all caring? Fuck.

I was furious all weekend. Today I was calm enough to collect my thoughts but bordered on detached.  I should have felt something, a release, some relief, but I didn’t. Just a low dread waiting for the repercussions… which didn’t come? He really is a good friend. I’m crazy. Crazy people don’t get real relationships (this completely is not true, my rational brain knows this but it’s how I feel right now). I get, understanding? Which probably just hurt worse because for as wonderful and beautiful as he tells me I am, still not good enough. Heartache and hurt… and then nothing. Well, I have a mild headache but I think that’s from not having solid food for the last four days. And sleep, I should probably sleep.

Nothing. Damn. I hate that. Flip switch to not feeling is bizarre. One minute I want to curl up in bed, the next I can chat with Roommate and appear to be just fine. Except for the feeling like I’m floating two feet to the left of my own body. Glasses to in focus, two television screens framing the life I’m seeing. It’s not unpleasant, just, not normal.

Tired of hurting. Tired of being alone. Tired of things always changing. No control. No stability.

I feel too much. I wish I knew how to temper it. To experience things the way normal people do. I'm told, I know, it's a symptom of my disorder. I feel too much. Can't stop everything rushing in at me.
Knowing that, doesn't stop it from hurting.

I don't understand. Don't understand. I'm not a bad person.  

I break my own heart more than anyone I’ve ever known. I can’t stand it anymore.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

Everything hurts.


23 comments:

  1. I told you what would happen.

    It's what I would have done.

    The pain won't last for long, though. Women get over relationships quicker than men, borderlines doubly so. You'll find someone new to fawn over if you don't stick with GF. She's the only one that probably cares about you genuinely and you kick her to the curb like a spoiled, selfish brat.

    Waaaahhhh, I can't have Mr. Douchebag. Cry me a river.

    And you are a bad person. A wicked person. And you know it. Maybe you're not a classic villain, but you certainly don't have a heart of gold, I can tell as much. Maybe more than I, but that's not saying much.

    The reason you punish yourself for not being good enough is because you in fact are NOT good enough. You can wear your smiles, work masterfully, suffer slights, bake your pies, pretty your face and say all the right things, but deep down you know you're a wretched, lacking creature.

    You can't settle for less than what you want, even if it's neglecting what you need.

    A malnourished mind, body, or 'soul' leads to death of one or the other. You're starving yourself when a juicy plate is right in front of your face, as you look at forbidden, rotten fruit too high to reach.

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  2. Note's right. I'm exactly like that.

    Though it's not about being a bad person, it's about the challenge, the impossible, the hard road that we always feel so compelled to take.

    'I get so invested. So attached. I don't know how to not.'
    'break my own heart more than anyone I’ve ever known. I can’t stand it anymore.'
    I relate entirely to both these things. I take responsiblity over my heart, but i can't be entrusted with it.

    Get some good sleep Haven. xx

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  3. No, she isn't a good person.

    Lots of people think they are good people. Let me tell you about good people. They're thrice as rare as psychopaths.

    Plenty of people are in denial of their self-worth and actual alignment on such moral spectrum. They think, "If I don't do this and that, I'm a good person."

    Quite the opposite.

    Being good is not about resisting. Being good is about taking action through bravery, and one can only be brave when fear tugs at them. Good people don't compromise what they know is right for what their heart wants. They have the good sense to know better. And most of all, good people don't spit on the people that try to help them. They're ever gracious, and do not look at aid as a debt to pay, but a gift to multiply in return.

    They're veritable unicorns in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. There's plenty of nice people if you look for them, but good people? Some never meet one.

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  4. Never said I was a good person, just not a bad one.

    The only one I need to be good enough for, is myself. I'm working on that.

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  5. TNP, since when does a sociopath believe in good and bad people? And since when does that have any relevance to what this post is about? It doesn't.

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  6. What's with the "told you so" and "you're a bad person" crap?

    I hardly think any of that is helpful. You trying to bring her down to your level? Or what?

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  7. "Women get over relationships quicker than men, borderlines doubly so."

    What leads you to believe this?

    "There's plenty of nice people if you look for them, but good people? Some never meet one."

    I have met 2 truly good people. He was diagnosed with NPD as a child. He says he works at himself every day. But he often comes across as "batshit crazy". (not my words) He treats his fiance badly sometimes and makes me want to hurl frequently. He may be a socio, too, but I do know that he is indeed a good person.

    He and his fiance have 3-somes and mini orgies blah blah blah, and some of their other friends are annoyed because he (and she) invite me and others in. Frequently. I tell them I am flattered. I am. They're the most unique and interesting couple I have met in my life. They've introduced me to some of the most interesting people I'll ever meet. And both are generous without asking for anything but my company in return. Good people exist.

    Oh, and their wardrobe is to die for.

    I do not mooch off their kindness, either. I give both of them solid advice, and we laugh. A lot.

    I do think it matters to them when I don't return their calls. It happens. I apologize and they forgive me. NO one is a perfect, Havenyx.

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  8. @notme... ::nods:: I feel the same way. I take responsibility for my heart, which is why I have to do these things, but it's not to be trusted.

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  9. I knew this was going to hurt, but for the sake of stopping the battery of toxic thoughts, and the mixed signals I was getting, I had to confront the situation and deal with it as best I could. TNP was right about one thing.

    This in particular, "You can't settle for less than what you want, even if it's neglecting what you need. A malnourished mind, body, or 'soul' leads to death of one or the other. You're starving yourself when a juicy plate is right in front of your face, as you look at forbidden, rotten fruit too high to reach."

    I don't want this for myself, and the situations and relationships I get stuck in only inhibit my ability to find what I need.

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  10. @Medusa... thank you. I embrace not being perfect. I think the concept of perfection indicates stagnation because you have achieved a point from which you can no longer grow. I want to continue to grow and be better.

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  11. That was Bella, btw. Those Anonymous names don't pop very well.


    As far as the, I told you so crap, I did tell her so, and I'm not here to hold hands and sing hymns.

    You do want that rotten fruit too high to reach, what drives your hunger at least.

    Move. Cut off contact. Do anything you need to get that guy and his wife away from you, and if need be, the girlfriend too. Throw rocks at their face until they stop following you, if you catch my drift. You don't need the drama from a relationship right now, or ever, for that matter. Next time, don't put yourself in such a compromising position.

    And don't give me this crap that you're mature enough to juggle multiple relationships as an intelligent and enlightened adult. You can barely handle a crush.

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  12. TNP, since when does a sociopath believe in good and bad people?

    My ex and his sister and mother would all talk constantly about "good" and "bad" people, and what turns people into bad people. They talked about what money "does" to people. They all had a victim complex. The father was a pathological liar, and practically led a double life. I once asked a question about whether this was a good man and they jumped all over me defending him. There is so much more to the story, but bottom line, is that I do believe my ex knows what it feels like to be a victim, and what it seems to represent. I don't think he could see past the nose on his face, though. He was very busy trying to get what he wanted from me. He was good enough as he was, but he tried too hard to impress me. I thought it was sweet even though he was a major fuck -up. I wouldn't want to go through that drama again with him, but I might if he tried harder and if he didn't cheat. I forgive him. He was good to me until he thought I was duping him. It is a two way street, socios/normals/bordies. Be nice and tell the fucking truth even if it hurts, and see what happens. You feel abandoned and it's "inappropriate?" Fuck them. This is the real you right now. Tell them, tell them why, and let them deal with their feelings about your being a "psycho bitch" or whatever it is their "friends" might say. If they love you and you are worth it, they might think you're batshit, but they will not leave. I know this.

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  13. Yes, there are good and bad people. We can argue moral relativity or its existence 'til the cows come home, but if you don't think there are genuinely bad and good people out there, you're fucking blind, or you don't get out. Most people are middle-ground morally ambiguous, but the majority does not eliminate the minority.

    Bella, there are two people I'm harsh with when it comes to helping people see something clear. People I barely know, or people I know really, really well, and know they can handle it. Some people can't. I don't know Haven very well, but I do know she can be tough, and a tongue lashing won't rip her to pieces the way it would with other people. There is the chance that she just hasn't seen something right in front of her face, and since she's being open here, I am too. More likely than not, she's seen it, but would rather wish it wasn't there and try to find an alternative where she stays happy.

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  14. ::nods:: I have seen something that is right in front of my face. I did wish it was different. I always end up wishing things were different. However, I've faced and accepted the fact (finally) that it won't be and I'm working to stop doing this. I told him Monday to stop contacting me, at least for a while***. Since making a solid decision I've been more calm, almost at peace. It's the uncertainty that drives me mad. Once the choice is made, the rest seems to fall into place.

    Still need to be more clear with GF but that's next. She's in a {an open} relationship, I don't need the semi-sneaking around on her part, or the fact that we have nothing in common except physical attraction and general care. She needs things I can't give her and it's not fair to her, or to me, to pretend otherwise.

    *** Once I've let go of my feelings for someone they don't tend to come back and being around them is no longer an issue for me as long as they don't want anything more from me. In truth, I'm waiting to see if this happens, because it is actually impossible to severe contact completely due to the nature of our group of friendship/Household. If I don't have feelings for him though, there is nothing that can touch me, and friendship is possible.

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  15. Glad to hear you're taking the effort, Haven :)

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  16. Hi, I have to admit that I didn't have the energy to read your whole post, not cause it is bad (I'm sure it's not), but cause I can't really handle too much detail into other people's interpersonal struggles.

    I've just been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and, well, I just wanted to say that reading your blog has helped a little (or at least until my next mood swing it has). It's hard to commiserate fully but I really understand how exhausting it is and how much you wish that it would just stop hurting all the time.

    Anyway, I dunno if it helps your situation but reading the bits and pieces of your blog posts that I can handle right now has given me some faith that the diagnosis is real, and I hope that my words might help to make your situation feel validated if you read this and you're at a time where you feel self-destructive, bewildered, and frightened.

    It's hard to accept that I really have a problem, but I guess maybe you would understand that, too.

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  17. Oh, also good luck. I guess that that might sound hollow (it feels hollow), but somewhere inside the pain and suffering I feel it and I hope that you manage to figure out a way to live your life as a real person and not as a constant trainwreck.

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  18. Actually, I'm kind of curious: do you have a, like, state of mind that makes your pain impossible? Like the light side of having mood swings all the time? If you don't feel like sharing here I understand; maybe you've already written about it somewhere in your blog posts, but I guess it would feel more meaningful to hear it cause I asked?

    My light side takes the form of what I like to call little boy mode. I regress back to my childhood and I wasn't abused because life is magical and I just wanna watch Blue's Clues and eat my cereal on Saturday. It's not real and it makes it impossible for me to perceive danger, so even though I'm happy, when I go downtown I can put myself unintentionally in risky situations. I don't know if everybody with BPD has a similar kind of state, but I'm just sorta wondering. I'd imagine that it would take a different form for each individual.

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  19. And of course there's times when everybody feels like the enemy :S Wow, I'm kinda rambling now. Sorry to make these posts largely about me on your blog, but I guess it's sort of theraputic for me. I keep jumping back and forth between understanding that I have a problem and that medication will help and that I'm not a bad person even though I feel like one unless I can be young and pure in my imagination, and knowing that the disorder is just in my head and I'm a lazy, worthless sack of garbage.

    Posting these comments doesn't make the garbage feeling go away but I guess it feels kinda like strength in numbers, if you know what I mean. It gives me a little bit of grounding to know that I'm not alone, and to take action and make these posts even if it's like "Why would anybody care to read them when you're such a constant failure, Tyler?"

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  20. You're not a bad person, too. To all these people who argue about good people vs. bad people, life is more complicated than that. I know that I am a good person because I care, but I need to learn how to take care of myself before I will be able to help others.

    I love my partner more than anybody in the world but that also makes me hate her more than anything, cause she makes me feel when I just want my feelings to disappear forever. I want so badly to shield her from myself, but I need her at the same time, and it creates this awful, confusing mess where I hurt her feelings because I hate her and then consequently hate myself for it.

    When the light side comes back, or baseline does, and I can't feel love or empathy but I can know intellectually that I love somehow and I care, I want to comfort her and work towards bettering myself. But it's not easy because I'm the problem even though it's not my fault that I was abused and turned out this way.

    This disorder is very confusing. :S I wish that I had Bi-polar disorder so that I could just take a medication for the rest of my life, and know that it was a chemical imbalance. The way it is now, I think that I'm supposed to believe that it's partly chemical, partly environmental, and partly my own attitudes. I don't know what's safe to lay blame on and what's wrong simply because I don't try hard enough. I feel like I need to be able to lay blame because if I don't, then I will take all the blame myself and that will make me want to die, and I don't want to die. I really want to live. But living is sometimes more painful than the thought of dying, and recovery is uncertain. I still question whether or not I even have the disorder, and it's only been three days since my diagnosis.

    FML seriously, you know? -.-

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  21. Oh wow, I also didn't go back and read those posts before I sent them. :S If you have a hard time understanding any of them, lemme know. It feels fake to edit what I write deep down from my where my heart sorta belongs, but it also makes it kinda hard to understand cause it's not editted for grammatical errors.

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  22. I totally understand the not being able to get too much insight into other people’s lives. It can be very overwhelming to empathize with someone else’s issues when they are so close to yours or make you thing harder about your own.

    The all-consuming numbness, hollow feeling, empty ache that makes me question what the point of existence is, is when my personal pain is impossible. It’s the emptiness that makes everything feel hopeless that I cannot tolerate. I guess the lighter side of having mood swings all the time is that when I am swinging I know I am not numb. When I am very sad, or very angry, or very up and energized, I do not feel hollow and there is some thing for me to hold onto. I relate to your childlike reversion. I don’t have like a Saturday morning breakfast cereal thing, but every now and again I’ll have these moments of childlike glee that triggers this little motion in me and I feel like skipping, tilting my head so my pigtails bob, and nothing can touch me. This is pretty rare for me though.

    ::smiles:: Life is definitely more complicated than good vs. bad. I almost always feel ‘bad’, but that’s just how I Split. I almost never feel like I’m ‘good’ for any length of time. I will occasionally but I always slip back to being bad again. I’m right there with you. I’m good at taking care of others, but I need to learn to take care of me.

    The love-hate game with your partner sounds like the Pull Together – Push Away game that is so common with those of us with BPD. It’s a terrible cycle. For those who love us and for those we love.

    I’ve been doing a lot of research. I’m not sure it’s chemical so much as there are certain parts of the brain that may not have developed in the same way as a nuero-typical brain. Environment usually does play a role in this and it’s not always abuse either (I was not abused as a child). As for it partly being an attitude… I’d disagree. If I could attitude myself out of this I would have been cured a long time ago. This is something real, not just a perception. I, too, wish that we could just throw medication at it and be ‘healthy’. It would be so nice and clean that way. ::sigh::

    Just remember. As long as you are alive, there is a chance for change. In change there is hope. Hope for new directions, new opportunities, and a new life.

    ::hugs::

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  23. "And you are a bad person. A wicked person. And you know it." WTF???

    "The reason you punish yourself for not being good enough is because you in fact are NOT good enough."

    what is this crap??

    the person who wrote this - wrote about themselves,

    it is actually a crime, to say things like these to a borderline, in this way, even if this was "true"

    and this is even not true

    I'm shocked.
    OMG

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