Sunday, April 3, 2011

3 Months Clean


Milestone-ish. Well, maybe not a milestone, but something worth noting. 
I've been self-mutilating thought free for about 3 months! Hah. I never say ‘self-mutilating’ because in my head this automatically transposes to self-mutating and then I have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song running through my head.
I haven’t cut myself [purposefully] since October/November… sometime around then. Before that, not since April. I often have very long periods between episodes since I’ve gotten older. While I may not actually harm myself, the thoughts are still there. Persistent, in the back of my head, whispering, poking, prodding, any time I feel off or see something sharp. Which is every day. Every day I have these thoughts. I’ve never been without them. Not since I was very young.
I noticed about a month ago, that something was missing. How do you notice an absence of something? You don’t. At least not right away. I just woke up one day, someone mentioned something, and I had one of those ‘Huh, well that’s weird’ moments, but good weird. Realization.
It may not seem like a big deal, but it is for me. I don’t expect that I’ll never have thoughts of harming myself again. It’s kind of like that best friend you’ve had since childhood that you just want to punch every time you see him because you annoy the crap out of each other but you still end up playing together because he’s familiar. Maybe my friend went off to boarding school for a semester. I’m not sad to see him go. Also, why I decided my injurious behavior is male, I don’t know….. and now that I’ve thought about that for three seconds. Anyways.
The last scars I inflicted on myself (5 months ago?) are still very discolored, raised and noticeable. I don’t mind, not really. As mentioned previously I make no effort hide my scars. They’re kind of like any other body-mod to me. But there are mentally healthier ways to modify your skin.
So Yay me!  It really is a good thing.


7 comments:

  1. Congrats! I hide my scars even from myself. I don't like to look at them. It's like sitting an open bottle down in front of an alcoholic who has only been sober for a few days. When I see the scars, it makes me want to cut more. It's intoxicating so I don't look at them. When others see them it makes me feel weak so I don't let anyone else see them either.

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  2. I feel like I wanna celebrate with you! I know how lovely it feels to see those weeks go by when I'm not doing those destructive things.
    Well done Haven. You have my moral support! :) :)

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  3. Can you put up some pictures of your scars? I'm really curious about knowing what self mutilation looks like, I mean is it little scratches or big gashes?

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  4. I'd give you a coin if that anonymous shit actually was worth a damn.

    Seriously, though. Congratulations! Keep up the good accidental work :)

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  5. lol now i've got "teenage mutilating ninja turtles" singing in my head :)

    i know what you mean about it being hard to notice something missing sometimes. i lived in japan for a bit, and they don't have any compunction about blatently staring at a foreigner. everywhere i went i was stared at and it became normal. when i returned to the UK i immediately felt like something was missing but it took me a couple of weeks before i could put my finger on it.

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  6. ::smiles:: Thanks guys! Support and encouragement do wonderful things for me =) I appreciate it.

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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