Friday, April 1, 2011

Ghost of friendship present

Well, there was that.


I’m starting to spiral down again. Have been all week, slowly. Spent most of last weekend with Friend. I was alternatingly irritable, anxious, avoidant, and numb.

Friday, staring at the TV watching Aladdin {of all things?} was all that kept me from bitching at the wife. There’s only so many times I can tolerate being cut off before I’ve completed a thought process.  I shut up, retreated inwards, and refused to look at anyone.

Friend and I went to see Sucker Punch. If you like cute girls in short skirts with multitudes of weapons and excellent explosions and no expectations that it will be much more than fun eye candy and escapism, this movie is for you. I thought it was a ton of fun. The empty space surrounding the beginning and end of the movie though… It was odd for me, before the movie it was like talking to someone I knew a long time ago but now I’m not sure if we have any common ground anymore. I feel no connection to him. Afterwards was equally as strange. I could have been talking to a random stranger that had seen the same movie, who coincidentally happened to like all the same parts I did.

Next day I went over to work on a project. He wanted to bump up the start time, but I hadn’t pulled myself out of bed yet and still needed to go to the gym. I told him I could be over an hour later than he wanted which he was fine with, but sent me rushing around like a mad woman. Hauling ass out of bed, rushing to the gym, cutting my workout in half, just so I could get home, shower, and get over there. Why I felt compelled to rush myself like mad, sending myself spinning in a free fall of temporal anxiety is beyond me. I always do this. I don’t care, but I can’t say no, or in my own time. At least Friends wife was gone. Every time I go over there now, it feels like I’m there for the first time. That I know where everything is, is a strange sort of déjà vu. Everything looks familiar, but I walk in the house seen through a glass wall from the outside in, through a museum of rooms I’m not supposed to sit in. Never be a part of. I’ve completely lost my connection to it all. I'm pretending to be someone I think I'm expected to be. Going through the motions of caring. About {everyone}. It’s exhausting and grates my nerves. I’ll be alone if I don’t. If I don’t act the way I’m expected to, play in an acceptable way – there’s no point being there at all, b/c all I’ll do is push people away.  I could walk away from it all and feel like I was never there in the first place. 

There were points in our project that I wanted to rip things out of his hands. I needed things to be a certain way. That he was doing it and not me, he was doing it wrong, and my stomach kept twisting into knots, tighter and tighter.  Barely controlled anxiety I could tell him to do things differently, though it would have been so much easier to just do it myself, but I’m trying to act inclusive so I don’t. Finally we finished up and I was actually pretty happy with the results, but then…

I had nothing to focus my attention on. I had rushed out of my house so fast that I forgot all my stuff to distract me with. I just felt blank. Blank and out of place. I wanted to go home and get my stuff but then there wouldn’t have been any point coming back and I didn’t want to not be there. I didn’t necessarily want to be there either, but spending the rest of the day/night alone was not acceptable. I just, couldn’t leave. It made me anxious to stay, anxious to go. Stuck. Stuck. Split. Without other things to do I felt like I would have no excuse but to interact. I don’t know why this bothered me so much. I needed something else to focus on that wasn’t directly interacting with him, which is stupid b/c {essentially} it was just me and him. Hyper aware of when we sit to close. Usually touching someone is grounding for me, even just feet touching curled up on opposite ends of the couch. A physical connection that brings me back down to earth. Not now. Trying to hold onto a shadow of something sitting further off into the light. I did what I would normally do all day and didn’t feel attached to any of it. My Self floating and drifting somewhere outside of me. Everything dizzy and slightly surreal.

I get so sick of feeling like this.

I left rather abruptly. As soon as I left the house though my energy started to ramp up. By the time I got home I was much too hyper than a 10 minute drive should allot for. 

My therapist says I've detached from my emotions. I can't have completely because the irritation, anger and anxiety are still there. I don't know how to get back. I want to have functional friendships. I can see myself pushing away, but refusing to let go.

Maybe if I keep trying, keep pretending like everything is normal, I'll eventually convince myself that it is. Delusional. This never works. All it does is work to make me lose myself more. I am the only one I truly need to hold onto.

The next day I did stuff I knew I was supposed to do but slightly detached from everything. Wine helps, even though I know it shouldn’t. This week though I’ve been ok, but I feel myself slowly sinking. It’s getting harder and harder to drag myself out of bed again. I feel weighted by invisible hands holding my head down. Suffocating on the very air I need to breathe. Don’t want it, can’t live without it.

I’m defective.

Spiral out, Keep going.
Spiral out, Keep going.
Spiral out, Keep going.

13 comments:

  1. I think this is probably the reason why people don't understand PD. They think we are "faking" the illness but in reality we are "faking" sanity. Usually we are better at faking it than sane people.

    Pretending, going through the motions while a 1001 thoughts race through our minds. someone should invent a mind reader. Let others spend five minutes just reading the shit that flies through out minds. No one would doubt PD again.

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  2. ::nods:: Unless you have a PD you really can't understand it. People are afraid of that sense of 'other' that they don't understand so they try to write it off. Lucky them. We don't get to write it off.

    I actually have a series of stream of consciousnes writings that I did when I was a hypomanic and panicked. It's impossible to get that sense of 12 different simultaneous thought processes but it gives a good clue at the disjointed racing.

    Maybe I'll post those.

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  3. Would love to read them. I have so many half written posts just sitting in my drafts folder. A thought pops into my head I start writing then 200 words later I have no real interest anymore and just clsoe the page.

    Although one is similar to this. About how I feel like I am pretending to be "human". Maybe I will finish it and post it in the next day or so.

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  4. You really should just get rid of Friend. Violently, or not, it doesn't matter.

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  5. Is Friend a sociopath, Havenyx? I'm sure you have talked about this person but it's unclear.

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  6. @Bella... no Friend is not a sociopath. He's just a guy.

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  7. @Notable... If only it were so easy. Meh.

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  8. What's the draw, Haven?

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  9. @Bella... I've known him for years, we're involved in the same Society, a lot of friends in common... and I mean, there's a reason he's my best friend. We have an inordinate amount of shared interests, the conversation is great and endless, etc. all the things that make someone a very good friend I guess ::shrug:: he's one of the very few people I've ever been able to instantly open up to. For all the good that did me.

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  10. No, I mean what is he holding over you? What is he making you do that you feel you have to rush about your day? Do you owe someone something? Are you amending something for him?

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  11. He's not making me do anything. It's just residual need to accomodate someone I had a really intense relationship with. I have a fear that if I don't do things for people they'll get upset and leave me. So I rush around to make them happy. Trying to do everything. But generally putting what I want on the back burner.

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  12. Do you feel like his slave?

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  13. Hah, no. I do this with most people I care about and fear losing. It's just exaggerated with him. I've pulled back enough that I'm started to feel this less. I quit speaking to him and told him not to contact me for a while and that helped a lot. I'd need to severe connection with him permanently to feel no need to accomodate though. I'm just not ready for that.

    I'm NOT a submissive type at all. The only one I'm a slave to is my own crazy brain. That's what the drugs and therapy are for I guess.

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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