Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Lucid Analysis: Trials in Therapy 3


This was a mellow week in therapy. I was hyper yesterday so my mood was up for a change.  My therapist didn’t want to talk about things that would upset me because she wanted to encourage my better mood. I told her about the Sci-Fi Convention. First, about running into my exes. She was glad I was able to control my impulses around Boring-ex especially since I wanted to strangle him. She also thinks that my dream about screaming at him was my subconscious channeling my rage into a healthier outlet.
I was concerned that I feel better in a persona that wasn’t me. She disagrees that it wasn’t me. She was less concerned that the persona I identify with is basically an evil creature and supportive of the fact that I was doing something positive for myself. Since I put so much of myself into the character the energy I put into it IS me. Had I not invested so much of myself, my time, my creativity into the project, had just worn a costume I bought or had made for me, I wouldn’t have had the same kind of experience. It’s not so much about the character I chose as it is that the idea was mine and I made the character mine. Even that I did choose such a volatile character it was a way to express my more destructive tendencies in a non-destructive way. To personify them and release the emotions I struggle with.
That in this character I was able to remain attached to my conscious and overcome my dysmorphia, even for a day was an insight. That I invested so much of myself into this character, it was really me allowing myself to remain connected to the world, and not just the pretending I was someone else so I could slip into a different mindset and lose who I am. Which is what I thought. I still kind of think this has something to do with it. Then again, I’ve always felt more like myself, whoever that is, when I’m in character. In character I can act how I want, be who I want, without repercussion... because it’s the character I’m choosing to be. Her interpretation is: It’s a manifestation of who I want to be, by extension allowing myself to come through without fear that I’ll be judged poorly.
 This point is probably more important than I gave it credit for. Finding things, hobbies, distractions that are a healthy means to channel my energy are very helpful for me.

I actually don’t remember how this came up: I have also been able to say on two occasions that I can’t deal with other peoples shit right now, I have my own to deal with, was a big step. I spend so much of my time worrying about other people. Helping, taking care of, doing things for other people. Basically putting other people before myself. That I have said that my needs are important also is a healthy step in taking care of myself that I don’t usually put to the fore. I need to take a break from making other people happy and focus on making me happy. I put the needs of other people ahead of my own for fear that they will leave if I don’t do everything I can to help them through whatever they’re going through. I’m always afraid that they’ll abandon me if I can’t meet and take care of those needs. That I have said twice that my needs are important without be afraid that they’d leave me is progress.

Previous Homework: Fortunately she didn’t ask me about the homework she’d set for me last week. It really did/does make me angry.  I didn’t bring it up, though I probably should have. Maybe it’s not fortunate because it would have given her more insight into my thought process. Idk. She recognized and reiterated that finding healthy, creative outlets are good for me and thinks I should look into finding more events to throw myself into. This isn’t really anything I haven’t been doing for years though. Unfortunately as soon as they're done I just revert back to my usual state of mind. At least I have previously. We’ll see.

So maybe being upset from therapy isn’t necessarily the mark of a good session.

1 comment:

  1. It's good to hear that you've taken some positive steps forward. It's all about the baby steps and the little victories.

    ReplyDelete

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