Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Rage against Very Good Advice


I’ve been ridiculous angry lately. No idea why. Seething. In general.
I’m mad at my therapist.
I’m mad at my sewing.
I’m mad at my chieftain.
I’m mad at Friend.
I’m mad at everyone that bothers me for any reason whatsoever.
I’m even made at my lovey cat. Especially at Roommates cat.  
I’m mad at Time itself. I need more of it to get all the things done that I want to do! I’m devising a system to kick the Earth’s orbit back a bit to lengthen the amount of time in a day. You’ve been warned.
I just don’t understand why people have to be so flipping annoying? Why do people need to jump on the band wagon every time someone else has a good idea? Can’t I have something that is just mine? Does everyone have to try and weasel their way into my little world and steal what small comforts I create? They don’t even know they’re doing it. I could tell them, but it would be telling them with my Sith aggressions invoked and likely someone would lose a face. If I open my mouth to these people, I will lose my shit. I will completely alienate myself. Then I’ll freak out and have to apologize. I won’t actually feel apologetic, I’m completely justified and I plain just don’t care, but I know it will be the’ right’ thing to do. I’m trying to be mindful of how I act, but I WANT to rage, I WANT to lash out, break everything around me, and the relationships I’ve built. I don’t feel bad at all, I don’t give a shit what these people think. I want what I want because I’ve freaking put in the work and now they just want to piggyback on the things I’ve put so much time into? Fuck that, and fuck them.
I’m sick of sharing everything. I just want something that’s mine. Is that too much to ask?
But look! It’s progress right? I’ve learned a lesson here. I am actually trying to apply my own lessons to my life. It would be so easy for me to let go, give in, and act out. I KNOW I would feel so much better… for about 10 minutes. Having people in my life is so difficult sometimes. I have to cater to so many different feelings that aren’t mine. How am I supposed to be mindful of everyone else when I can barely be mindful of my own?  It would be so much easier to not have anyone. Until the crushing loneliness sets in.  
I’m stressed out with a to-do list a mile long. I need to have all of this done by Friday because I need to implement Saturday. Sci-Fi convention! I’m trying to be excited about this, but I’m too stressed out. My costume is near complete. I’ve put a ton of work into it and with a little more maintained discipline I’ll be hot. (Btw, I had to explain to my therapist what it meant to ‘look hot’, seriously?) This may be in part from my severely restricted lack of caloric intake, but it hasn’t been bothering me until the last few days.
I doubt it. I’m always angry. Usually I’m better at hiding it.
Every minute of last weekend/this week/upcoming weekend is scheduled away. Every. Single. Minute. I make spreadsheets to organize my bleeding time just so I have some structure and I’m not running around with my brain dribbling out of my ears.  But hey, at least I won’t be bored.

Very Good Advice
I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it
That explains the trouble that I'm always in



Be patient, is very good advice
But the waiting makes me curious
And I'd love the change
Should something strange begin


Well I went along my merry way
And I never stopped to reason
I should have known there'd be a price to pay
Someday...someday


I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?


BTW: Costumes for this weekend:
1.             Dark Lady of the Sith: species Twi’lek
2.             50’s red/black rockabilly pin up.
Should be amazing. Also, plans for our next gen light sabers. I’m such a geek.

*Real post sometime soon. I can’t focus right now.

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