Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Lucid Analysis: Trials in Therapy - 5



Therapy last night was an ordeal. I was exhausted and run down. I didn’t feel like talking. I honestly didn’t want to be there.

Bottled

Sometimes I wonder if my therapist understands me at all. She keeps going on about Friend. I’ve been more down than usual, she thinks in part because it is their 10th year anniversary and it keeps coming up. I mentioned previously that I have no intention of attending their gathering.  Did I mention that Friend asked me to babysit so they could go out to dinner one night? Seriously? As soon as he asked me I wanted to punch him in the face and scream at him. My self-control is better than that now and what I ended up saying was ‘no, babysitting really isn’t my thing’. Which he knows so it was a plausible excuse. Yet he still asked me (Asshat).  I instantly feel guilty for not doing it, but I’d hate myself and trigger myself into doing something stupid if I did. I want nothing to do with this event. I say good for me. Yesterday the wife IMd me to help her find an anniversary present for him. WTF?!? Either I’m really that good at hiding my hatred of this whole thing, they’re utterly oblivious to my residual feelings (Friend) or intentionally poking at me because wife is a huge bitch (Yes). Therapist thinks their insensitivity is causing me to spiral down. If Friend was really caring he would know that this bothers me and not put me in a position to make me uncomfortable. Dick. I just kept saying, ‘it’s whatever, he’s a guy, what am I supposed to do about, he’s just a guy’.  Considering how close we were, and how much I cared about him, maybe even loved him, that I’m Splitting him into the all bad category in my life is my inner Angry Child acting out.
I thought this session was a complete waste until about 5 minutes before it was supposed to end. Then she started to upset me. Whatever she was saying made me face how I was really feeling. I had to confront the fact that I was feeling jealous, hurt, because such an intense part of our connection changed and was basically abandoned. She said I need to pay attention to those feelings of hurt and jealousy. Don’t dismiss them. That I am feeling these emotions means that I am lacking something in my life. I’m missing those things that would counter those emotions. I need to find something healthy to fill that void.
Note: Pay attention to my feelings. Negative emotions indicate a lack of something I need.
Therapist again, brought up the idea that maybe this relationship is no longer a healing relationship for me. That continuing to spend so much time with him, talking to him may be triggering my depression. What I had to make clear to her was I’m always depressed. I’ve been depressed since I was 12, this isn’t new. I did finally have to admit that he was contributing to it though.
Homework: Get out. Begin to form new relationships outside of him and the people connected to him.
I honestly have not felt ready for this, but after this session I think I should. I’ve been casually chatting with a woman I met on-line (don’t judge). Last time we communicated she gave me her phone number. I’m going to text her at lunch and see if she responds. I brought my phone charger to work so I couldn’t sabotage this plan and use my phone dying as an excuse to not do this (I need a new battery). That I’ve been so hesitant about this has meant to me that I’m not ready to be involved. Last night I came to a place that I think I can at least reach out, is a step in a healthier direction. I’m going to try. Maybe nothing will come of it, but at least I’m making an effort. I even have little thoughts and visions of double dating with Roommate or some other friends that live out by her. That’s good right? A little vindictive part of me hopes this makes Friend jealous, but it’s just a little voice in the back of my mind.  
Also, Sunday I did hang out with another guy I’ve known for ages. When I finally got home I was starving b/c I hadn’t eaten since my run. Poured myself a glass of wine and had dinner, then a snack, then more food until I binged out completely. Purge. Your last thought before going to bed should not be “this is how bulimia is supposed to work”::headdesk:: Therapist was obviously concerned about this. That my bulimia is coming back regularly is an indicator of my depression and my feeling out of control. This is most likely the result of my emotions revolving around Friend. Going out makes me worry I’m abandoning something and that’s scary for me, because my going out, will make him jealous, angry and push me out. She hopes he’ll tell me that I am important to him and that he will not discard our friendship because I am making new ones. I need to get past this.
I had no intention of really talking much this session. I don’t feel all that connected to Therapist and I didn’t want to say anything. For the beginning of it I was aloof, detached, I couldn’t focus on what she was saying, and honestly I did not care. I know it showed. She mentioned I seemed disgusted. Around mid-session I was starting to get angry, very angry, but still detached from my deeper emotions. I was lashing out about the wife and even swearing. I KNOW Therapist was trying to push me past this. She was actually trying to upset me, but in a direction away from anger. By 5 minutes to the end she did it. I shifted again and she actually made me start to cry. I hate this. HATE this. I hate myself for not being able to control this. I do have to admit that these were feelings I needed to face and work through. She ended up keeping me in session for a half hour after our time was up because she wanted to continue helping me work through this. I was ready to run out the door by this point and I practically did. I felt more connected to her at the end.
On a different note, when I told her about my tattoo consultation she was a little worried that I was going hypomanic because my excitement and up mood was so unusual for me and disproportionate to what that should have inspired. She’s not worried that it’s an impulsive decision. She is a little worried that I’m completely unconcerned with how much pain it’s going to cause. I have very little fat on my ribs and the majority of this piece is going to be right there, which is a notoriously painful location for tats. My other tattoos didn’t really hurt at all. Pain is normal for tattoos though. It’s really just something you have to accept if you’re going to have them done.  Maybe I’m rationalizing, but it is the reality of the thing.
She also told me to come in Thursday if I felt I needed it. I doubt I will but that she’s suggesting two sessions a week again is disconcerting. Sigh.

3 comments:

  1. You and I share so many commonalities. I see so much of myself in you. I am NOT defending friend. I am NOT saying you are to blame, ok?

    Is it possible that friend is unaware of your true feelings of how much this anniversary is bothering you? I ask that because I have been in a similar situation as yours and I hid my true feelings so well the other person really was totally clueless as to how I was truly feeling. Even when they suspected something and asked me I would downplay it and tell them they were off base. I hid how I truly felt instead of being honest and then I got angry at them for not knowing how I was feeling and for being insensitive. I do this ALL. THE. TIME. with people. I don't show my true emotions and then get pissed at them for being insensitive and uncaring to how I am feeling. Maybe if you just openly said to him "look this anniversary thing is making me extremely uncomfortable and I just don't want to be a part of it. I wish you the best of happiness but I just need to not be a part of this." Then maybe it would make him see how you truly feel. Yes there is a chance he might get upset and distance himself, but he isn't the only person in the world who would kill to be friends with you and know you. There are so many people who would love to spend time with you and get to know you and truly enjoy your company and appreciate you. If you would just give them the chance, (I realize that is easier said than done)

    As for the woman you met online. Instead of looking at it as a relationship. Look at it as one lunch, one drink, and one laugh. No tomorrows. No seconds. Just one lunch/dinner, one drink, and one laugh and IF that one becomes two, then see that second as just one lunch/dinner, one drink, and one laugh. If you don't build the imaginary world, then it can't come crashing down and destroy your real one. Just let it be. (again easier said than done, I am the pot talking to the kettle)Just enjoy the one moment. Don't look at anything beyond that one moment in time.

    As for the second session. Maybe it's not that you're doing bad but that you're doing good. That you're actually starting to work through your emotions and making progress and she is afraid is you wait a whole week then you will bottle them up inside and will regress backwards. She wants to give you the opportunity to continue the amazing work you're doing if you're ready. So maybe it's not a bad thing.

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  2. Friend could potentially be unaware of my feelings. I think the fact that I wouldn’t give him a solid answer about attendance is a tip off though. I am usually decisive and very punctual when it comes to hanging out with him for any reason. Like you though, I do seem to be very, very good at hiding my true feelings. And I do get really upset when people don’t then know what’s wrong with me. I know how dumb it is, but there’s no helping it! So maybe there is a lot of that woven into it.

    I don’t want to tell him that it bothers me though, because I don’t want to rekindle the awkwardness between us =( He clearly doesn’t have feelings for me that way, and I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I have some small thing left. I feel like a failure for not being able to get over this. It's a weakness in me. He did just try to show me anniversary gift ideas and I flat out told him I honestly didn’t care. I have a feeling that’s going to kill our conversation for the day though. Bleh.

    Haha, you actually sound like my therapist. She keeps saying I should get out and meet new people because I’m a really warm, caring, {insert other nice adjective} person and there are a ton of people that could really appreciate that. Thanks.

    You are totally right about the woman I’ve been chatting with. I don’t actually automatically jump into viewing things as a relationship mode. I guess I’m more trying to envision doing things that aren’t with Friend. One day at a time is absolutely the way I need to look at it.

    Idk. My psychiatrist wanted me to do two sessions when I was cutting again. I was feeling more stable so I was able to ‘graduate’ back to one session. It is progress that I’m able to touch on my deeper issues, I just… meh, it probably has to do with some fear that since I need more attention than usual it highlights the fact that my problems are worse. Twice a week is probably better for me simply because I have such a hard time maintaining a connection. It’s irrational. Doesn’t change that I don’t like it though.

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  3. Man, it's interesting being in your head! :o)

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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