I missed therapy last week because I was in Chicago. The brakes on my car went out so I missed therapy this Monday too, but my therapist was too concerned to let me go a whole other week and squeezed me in late last night.
From Myself towards Friend I want: To be free of the emotional baggage, have my friendship, and not feel used by everything that went on.
For Myself I want: Someone that I enjoy spending time with, that cares about me, and can be the kind of person that I need to have in my life.
Speaking of… I have a date Saturday =) I’m so out of the loop on this whole dating thing. I am really looking forward to it though. We seem to have a lot in common and she really does seem to be a warm, caring, positive person. One day at a time concerning her, but she’s someone to look forward to. If nothing else, a new friendship is healthy.
I don’t even know how to explain the anxiety that comes with the unexpected. What I’ve had before might not be good but it’s not surprising, there’s some line connecting the dots of the past, present, and future. I can’t predict everything, but I have some semblance of where my feet will fall. Pulling myself away from that familiarity… could lead down a path of wonderful adventures, but it’s all an unknown. What if it doesn’t work out and then I can’t find my way back? If I stop my patterns from before, I won’t be able to pick up where I left off. My connection will have slipped and I’ll be foreign there too.
The things that immediately come to mind:
1.) I still don’t feel a connection to my therapist. Clearly I know and recognize her, but I don’t have any real attachment to her. I doubt this is her fault.
2.) I don’t think she sees me for me at all. However, I also think this is because my view of myself is so distorted. I’m not sure I actually see me for me. I’m a depressed, terrible, flawed person. I know all of my faults and imperfections. I see them all clearly. She tells me that I’m a role model for how well I treat those around me, for all that I’ve accomplished, that I’m capable of doing etc. What she sees in me, I don’t see in me. Is this her failing or mine? Probably mine. She chooses to focus on the positive. I almost exclusively see the negative. I feel like she’s ignoring the negative because she wants to see the positive, but I’m beginning to wonder if she’s really just trying to get me to see myself in a more rounded way. She obviously works with me on the imperfect parts of my life. She’s not ignoring that. Maybe she just doesn’t have as hard a time remembering the other aspects of my life that I don’t seem to be able to hold onto.
3.) I’m not sure I have boundaries. If she doesn’t push my boundaries how am I going to uncover what I need to figure out about myself? If anyone should be able to pull me out of my comfort zone and confront the aspects of myself that I don’t want to face, it should be her. Right?
Those are my thoughts for today. I’m a little out of it. Distinctly depersonalizing more often, again.