Friday, July 29, 2011

Lucid Analysis: Trials in Therapy - Free Your Mind



Lucid Analysis: Trials in Therapy
Yesterday was a double whammy. Maybe a triple or quadruple one considering how my moods swung. I had both an appointment with Psychiatrist and then another with Therapist.

First. I am now officially off medication; the Abilify anyways, I still have the Trazadone to help me sleep.  Psychiatrist was not incredibly thrilled with the idea but ultimately understanding. I was nearly in tears as I explained how much of a zombie I’ve felt like, how hard it’s been just to sit up and how absolutely functionless I’ve been because of these meds. She had 3 things to offer: 1. We could switch medication and try something new entirely, 2. We could try taking the Abilify at night so hopefully the tired would wear off before I woke up and it might help me sleep, or 3. I could go off meds completely. I outright refused option 1 (for now). Option #2 wasn’t unreasonable but if I feel like I zombie all day regardless, when I take it isn’t going to make much difference.  So I opted for 3. I’m so happy. My small confession is that I’d been forgetting to take my meds for a day or two already so I’m not bothering with the weaning off process. I know this is probably really bad, especially considering yesterday morning.

I woke up at 330a.m. and wanted to die. I was exhausted, uncomfortable in my own skin, I felt like I’d gained weight and just looking at myself made me want to tear out my insides. I was so frustrated with how weary and fatigued I was, that I knew I would get no sleep and be useless and ugly. I was sure I’d be fired for not being able to sit upright and get my work done. I didn’t want anyone to even look at me let alone speak to me or be near me. I considered calling off work. I wanted it all to end. Pointless, there was no point in going on if all my energy was gone and everything I do to make myself better only results in feeling the way I did right then. So what did I do? Miraculously, nothing. I managed to talk myself into taking it one minute at a time and hauled my ass to work. As I was sitting there typing up my post for yesterday, just forming the ideas of ways that I work to help myself I felt my energy begin to come back. By the end of my writing I can’t say I was ready to hit the gym, but sitting straight wasn’t a chore and my thoughts were in a completely different place of light outshining the darkness.

Moral: Don’t just stop taking your medication without first consulting your doctor.

Then I went and talked to Therapist. She’s being incredibly supportive of my decision to switch careers and go back to school. She did some research for me and found some authors I might enjoy concerning object relations and constancy (since these are big issues for me). That she thinks about me outside of our sessions is always a shock to me, then again, I wouldn’t have a lack of object constancy if it weren’t.

She’s also very supportive of my decision to go off of medication. She believes that my drive and self-awareness will make my disorder manageable without. She was very reassuring that she can tell the difference between the patients she sees that need to be on medication and those that do not need to be and she thinks that I’ll be just fine.

She said something funny to me. Every week she tells me how much she enjoys working with me (even when I’m crying and full of rage) because I’m intelligent and I make her think. Apparently how I approach my disorder and my daily problems help her evaluate how she approaches her own problems and make her reflect on the choices she makes. She says that’s a quality that comes naturally for me and she’s experienced with me often. It’s little statements like that which make me really believe that I’m making the right decision to follow a different path.

We talked about my relationship with Friend a bit. Things are nice and neutral here though I feel like I really need a break from him and his wife for a little while (fortunately I’m going on vacation next Friday). Therapist told me that I was really making excellent progress in dealing with my dissociation. That if it were possible to turn that aspect of my disorder to my advantage, I was doing it, in my ability to maintain a progressive friendship with Friend. My detachment and inability to connect preserved the aspects of myself that I needed to keep removed and safe from his emotional influence, while allowing me to remain friends with him to work on pushing past the incredible pain and grief that I felt afflicted with. It’s not perfect, or complete. Clearly he still does things that are confusing and conflicting, but I keep on trying and she says that’s admirable. Sometimes I think it’s just me being stubborn and masochistic but other times I can truly appreciate the aspects of our friendship that bring me as close to contentedness as I am able to recognize.  

Like, I finished my next light saber! It’s fully sculpted, the electronics are in and it works fabulously =) I’ll post pics when I remember.  The next one will be better.
I feel like lots of pictures today =)

The fact that our friendship has survived a complete devaluation and my hating him at points, to come back to a place where I can enjoy his company but no longer feel like I need him for my life to be complete, and even am looking forward to some time outside of his influence, is a major deal for me.

After therapy I went to the beach. I just sat and listened to the waves crashing on the sand. I had intended to stay longer but there were shrilling, screeching children that I wanted to feed poisoned candy to and I just couldn’t find the peace and quiet that I’d been hoping for. I know, it’s a terrible thought, but I don’t like kids (with few exception). Still, I left feeling more calm.  

I already feel better today. I woke up able to do a full ab workout. I am determined to go to the gym after work, no excuses. I can sit up straight without feeling like my gravity has been turned to 10. Now with any luck I should be able to get some costuming done this weekend!

1 comment:

  1. Glad you're feeling better. I normally am an advocate for taking meds. I am sure you have heard my preaching more than you wanted to, BUT I totally admire the way you're handling your BPD and kudos to your docs for allowing you the freedom to participate in your treatment and for listening to you when you say something is NOT working.

    Happiness and stability can't be gained by taking a pill, but for some people it is a necessity. I am glad that you're not totally avoiding meds but finding the best treatment for you. Regardless if it's on or off meds and I think if more docs did that instead of just prescribing pills then people would be able to manage the illness better. Some not all. Some require meds but some don't and it's great that you're able to show that. That people should listen to their bodies and if something is not working then find something that does.

    ReplyDelete

Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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