Sunday, July 24, 2011

Memoirs on a Sunday: Weekend Away


It’s been a weekend. Rather a long one.

Friday I worked on my light saber hilts at Friends house. My new ones. They’re coming along ok, but as I’ve never sculpted with this kind of epoxy before they’re taking a long time to get right and my frustration tolerance is  really, really low. Afterwards Friend and I watched scary movies. He asked me for a hand massage which I gave him. He’s, confusing, still. I just, can’t figure out if his feelings for me are purely platonic, or if he still has the attraction to me but is suppressing it because they’re trying to give monogamy a go this year. I don’t know why I allow myself into this place anymore. I don’t want to lose my friend. I can’t lose my Friend. There’s still some residual emotions there that I can’t seem to kick. I may fall of the grid from him for awhile. At least until I can get this under control. Or until I can get it to dissipate completely. It all just kills me some days. His wife actually told me, said to me explicitly, that she doesn’t care about how he feels. She said she knows she should care, in the same breath as she knows she should care about how her employees feel, but traditionally, she doesn’t. “It’s something she needs to work on.” I mean, really? Really? Good choice, guy. Stew in that dysfunction of a marriage. That he would choose that, over someone that actually cares, makes me die a little inside.  Fuck them both then. I need a break.

The heat has been unbearable. I hates it. It makes me extraordinarily angry. Irrational and hate filled. I have no air conditioning.

Nice to meet you
I was dreading Saturday. The Lady Friend wanted me to go upstate with her this weekend to meet all her friends. What she doesn’t understand is that I’m very close to my vacation time so I need every spare minute to finish sewing. I am incapable of saying no. I went anyways. I don’t understand why I’m so averse to saying no. I at least voiced my stress over needing to get stuff done and we compromised to come back early today. Good enough. It was alright. I played the part of the dutiful girlfriend. We went to some great restaurants, went shopping, out for wine tastings (one of the wineries was exceptional). I bought her a really beautiful necklace, met her friends, played pool, drank more…. Or I got them to drink more. Mostly in hopes that we could pass out ‘early’ to hit the road at a reasonable time. Shouldn’t I be excited that she wants to incorporate me more into her life? It just feels like an obligation. She’s very sweet, but frankly, there’s no drama to her. She’s so zen and probably so EXACTLY what I need, that I’m afraid I won’t ever really want it. What is wrong with me? Well, I think the answer to that is obvious.

One thing that does amuse me. People stare at us wherever we go. I’m a very affectionate person. I like to hold hands and sit close and kiss her shoulder or neck and I don’t care who sees. This morning we took a leisurely Sunday morning stroll across the river bridge and the bikers, geriatrics, and random norms all had the most amusing expressions. Occasioanlly we’d get a whisper and a smile… a couple people outright pointed at us just holding hands as we watched the boats go by… at least ¾ of the people we passed had their heads turn just to make sure they were seeing what they were seeing = two women, engaged in conversation, holding hands. Oh. The. Scandal. I’m amused to no end. I kind of like causing the upset. I like that I make people uncomfortable. I like that I challenge what most people wouldn’t even consider contemplating. We live in a progressive world. There are other walks of life that are just as equally valid as the status quo. Consider them. Consider us. We’re here. And I will get in your face about it… even if it’s just being cute and normal and living my life like any other person would.


So finally I got home and did a little bit of what I needed to get done. Mainly, sewing. I’m going on vacation August 5th (warning I won’t be blogging or responding to comments as I won’t have electricity or internet). It’s a big, wacky costuming event and true to my nature, I’m making myself new costumes. I have plenty of old costuming, but I want new stuff and I at least have the patterns drafted and cut out now. Then I made Lady Friend and I a delectable Gorgonzola-Potato Soup before resuming my costume accessory creation.

Finally, I just wanted some time alone. Part of the reason I was dreading this weekend was spending so much time together. I just feel, smothered. I feel like I have to constantly maintain a face for myself that I wouldn’t otherwise have. There’s no time to just kick back and do nothing. I have to be this social, sweet, engaging woman that I know she wants people to see. So I am. I’m whoever I need to be. It’s just, exhausting. I wanted nothing more than to put on my pajamas and curl up in my bed with the white noise of my room fan whirring in the background.

If I want this to last, I have to play the part.  Some days it’s just easier than others. Especially when it’s in smaller doses. These full days, back to back, nonstop, are hard on my energy levels. 


1 comment:

  1. I can relate to a lot of what you have said at the end: when I am with people I *need* to be vibrant, friendly, happy - even when I am having a hard time, even though I am constantly exhausted with Chronic Fatigue - I HAVE to be outwardly okay. I think its our way of being 'normal', of keeping ourselves safe from people using our hurt.

    I hope you can find some time for yourself and enjoy what sounds like an awesome holiday (I love dressing up - I generally go to conventions where I can cosplay - so much fun :D).

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