Friday, September 9, 2011

Lucid Analysis - Trials in Therapy : Moving on

So I’ve been pretty bummed out by the prospect of Roommate moving. We haven’t talked about it since because I haven’t seen her but we will.  I’m sad, I’m disappointed, I’m…. upheaved. Roommate has always been one of the few points of stability that I have. She’s a good friend, one I have a considerable amount of trust for and we’ve never had cause for any real turbulence between us. Therapist recognizes that this is very triggering for my Abandonment issues but she wants me to try and look at it from a place of growth. We’ve lived together for a year and a half without any major problems and that’s a big accomplishment. She’s trying to pull me away from internalizing the reasons that Roommate wants to move. It’s not my fault, her life is just evolving into a different place. I even asked Roommate if it was anything I did and she said no it wasn’t anything like that. Her boyfriend has been hinting at wanting to move in together, but she’s never lived on her own, with full freedom of her own space in its entirety and she feels that’s something she needs to experience.
I’m just. Selfish. I guess. I don’t want another roommate. I LIKE her. What’s more. If she were to move in December when she originally said she was thinking… how freaking awkward a time of year is that? It’s in the middle of winter which would make it difficult to physically move stuff with snow. It’s a financial sink hole with all the expensive holidays and travel unfolding. No one is looking to move in the middle of family holidays so it would be incredibly difficult for me to find a roommate. I can’t move, I just can’t, I need some place to stay that is safe and familiar. If I can’t find a roommate right away that means I would need to shoulder the full expense of rent and utilities by myself and I can’t think about starting to take classes that semester because I simply won’t be able to afford it. If she waits to the end of this lease period which is March/April I’ll have time to really save money in order to juggle all things at once. Spring and fall seem to be the times of year that people and rentals are really opening up to finding a new place too, so potentially it would be more convenient for us both. I need to talk to her.
This whole thing sucks.
Therapist recognized that I went into shock and dissociated mode when Roommate told me. I was at an utter loss for what to say and when she said things like, “this really sucks, I kind of love you and I feel terrible but it’s something I need to consider”… I couldn’t connect to her words at all. Total disconnect. I have a friend telling me she really cares about me but I’ve retreated so far inwards that it’s like she’s talking to a stranger. How can she love me? How does she feel any attachment to me at all? How much does she know me? Does she know me at all? All these questions are silly because she knows me very well, but in that moment I felt like I was a complete stranger eavesdropping on the words of an intimate friendship. I don’t even know how to accurately describe the feeling of not understanding how people can form a connection with me when I can barely feel a connection to myself. Therapist tried to make me focus on the truth of her words though. I have a friend that cares for me, and she’s telling me that she is not leaving for anything I’ve done but because her life is continuing to grow.
Bah, if anything it’s her boyfriend’s fault, not mine. That sucks because I actually like him, but he’s trying to take my roommate away.  I should be happy for her that she has a guy that loves her and wants to be with her so much. I think about me though and it seems like no one else does. What right do I have to expect anyone else to put me ahead of their own desires though? None I guess.
I love her and I don’t want to lose her. I’m afraid that we will fall apart as friends and I won’t see her once she goes. Somewhere I know that our friendship won’t end. It’s just a shift. But it’s still an unknown.
It’s just one more thing on top of a thousand other unpleasant things that I’ve had to deal with since moving to NY. It seems like every day I have another reason to hate it here more and more. I want to pack up and move back to where my sister is. Nothing turns out right, everything changes and I’m left alone again. I don’t even want to try anymore. I recognize this as my Abandoned Child mode coming to the fore.

Abandoned Child - The "abandoned child" is a schema mode in which a person may feel defective in some way, thrown aside, unloved, obviously alone, or may be in a "me against the world" mindset. Feeling as though peers, friends, family, and even the entire world have abandoned a person are the things which live within this schema mode. Abandoned child is a self-defeating mode as a whole. The person feels defective and abandoned, thus may abandon their own self and choose to remain "abandoned" as it is what they believe they know and therefore comforting.
(I’ll talk about these modes next week)
I have to actively resist the urge to give into this. Therapist wants me to feel my feelings about the whole thing, don’t ignore them, don’t bottle them up, FEEL them, let them run their course and then move on. Life changes. Things will always change. She believes that I’ll be able to work through this. As evidenced by my ability to continue developing a more healthy relationship with Friend she thinks I’ll be able to take what I learned from that period of time and pull myself through this even faster since, as a whole, my entire relationship with Roommate is a healthy one.
::sigh::
I’ll deal with this too. I always find a way. Life keeps going and so do I. Truth be told I feel alright today, but I’m also not really processing the issue. I’m not sure it will be real for me until it’s time to start packing boxes.
Once again, it’ll be me and my cat. HE won’t leave me.

Geezus I’m sick of hearing myself whine. Something good!
Well, work has been stressing me out like mad. So much so that the prospect of working on certain projects has hit me with an almost paralyzing anxiety. I beat it today though and pushed myself through it. I have so many things to juggle and work on I’m actually feeling very productive and I have to admit it’s a really nice feeling to have. I’ve even been more social with the guys at work. I won’t say I feel like I fit in, but when I’m out in the shop I’m starting to feel more included like one of the guys, at least until one of them swears and apologizes to me for their language. I’m just going to have to start cussing like a sailor to break them of the habit haha. I really need to be dragged along consistently to feel like I’m a part of a group and not just an outsider tagging along. Fortunately the guys are pretty good at it. It’s like they actually like having me around. Crazy.

6 comments:

  1. The roomate moving deal sucks. It does. But you said it-"What right do I have to expect anyone else to put me ahead of their own desires though? None I guess." To cut to the chase, that's the short of it. She loves you, she has been a great friend to you, but this is the next step...for both of you. Speaking from the other side, one of the most incredibly frustrating parts of caring for someone who struggles with Borderline is that it simply seems they do not acknowlege how others are dealing emotionally and struggling. I get frustrated with my friend (he's borderline) because it's very rare he considers how the other party is feeling. (or so it appears) Don't get me wrong, I do this too at times, and I'm not borderline. But I just think it's moreso with him, and I've read goes with the disorder. And that may not be a fair statement. Perhaps he does consider it, his emotions are just so heightened he can't possibly cope with the thought of both his and the other's. I think that's probably more accurate, more fair. So try to consider how she's feeling. I'm sure it's scary for her, but exciting too. She's moving forward with her boy, and that's good for her. All that said, the timing is shitty. I hope she decides to stay through the end of your lease, for the money deal and just convenience.

    Change just sucks. It will be difficult when she physically moves. You'll miss her presence. You'll be anxious. But you two will still have an attachment, just not physical. And in time, you'll fall into a new routine at home, whether it be an activity or person. She won't be there physically, but the freindship is still there, will still be familiar. You'll stay in touch. All very interesting. Good luck with your talk with her. Emily :)

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  2. I certainly hope my answer above doesn't seem overly abrasive. I'm not suggesting that you don't consider other's feelings, or are inconsiderate. I just think you might find reward in looking at her perspective, consider her emotional turmoil. I understand you're feeling rejected, left behind, and that is what's suffocating. Try to place logic over that anxiety, and logic says her moving out makes perfect sense. You are fine. You are cool. People enjoy your presence. See---the guys are diggin' you being around and everything! And---think about how she might be feeling. If my borderline friend did that more often, I'd be thrilled as shi* :D Em

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  3. I am truly sorry this has to happen. But remember this saying (not the exact quote) "Change is the only contstant." Life is always changing for all of us and change can be terrifying. But, we can get throught it. Please take care.

    Peace,
    Nico

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  4. Iappreciate you having the strength and courage to put yourself out there. I know it's not easy to share those gut wrenching emotions but it's good for people to see how hard things hit us and how we need time to process through them moreso than others do.

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  5. Thanks everyone. Man, I've been terrible about responding to comments lately.

    Em, you're very right. I'm trying to look at her perspective but when I'm feeling so overwhelmed, my emotions are so in control that I can't see past my own nose. It's not that I don't want to understand where she's coming from, I'm just so detached from where she is that it's like I'm on a different physical plane of existence so I can't grasp it. Hell, when she told me she was moving I retreated to an internal place that made me feel like a stranger in my own body. I'm working through it though.

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  6. Fantastic content, thanks for placing this particular with each other! This really is definitely 1 great post. Many thanks for your precious details and observations you could have thus offered the following. Movers

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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