Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Nothing good can stay


 Nothing good can stay. Everything changes. Everyone leaves. That’s all there is. All there ever seems to be. Roommate just told me she is thinking about moving out. Not for anything I’ve done. She’s just never lived on her own before and her boyfriend has been hinting that he wants to move in together so she wants to be on her own for awhile in her own space before anything like that moves forward. I asked if it was anything I’d done and she said definitely nothing like that. I just, can’t help but feel like I wasn’t a good enough roommate. If I was more fun, or more talkative, or more outgoing or more…SOMETHING… she’d stay. I’m heartbroken. I never should have moved here. It’s been one upheaval after another after another.  I don’t know what I’m going to do. I was trying so hard not to cry, to be strong so she wouldn’t feel guilty, but I couldn’t stop the tears even as my teeth were set. All I could say was “You have to do what you need to do, we’ll figure it out”. I’m never going to be good enough for someone to stay with. Not ever. I know it. It’s always this way. I was beginning to feel steady. Like I had something that wasn’t going to up and change. As soon as I let my guard down though, even a little, something comes out of nowhere and takes my head off.  Fuck this not drinking. Fuck this not smoking. I need to take my mind off things. I don’t know how I’m going to look at her and not feel sad now. I don’t want to lose my friend. I don’t think I will. It’s just so devastating. I feel like my feet are crumbling out from under me. I can’t move again. I don’t’ want things to change. Everything always changes. Nothing ever stays the same.  I never should have moved out here. I never should have left my family or my sister. Never.  Never. Never. I’m going to have to start all over again. I don’t know if I can do it. It’s too much. It’s all just too much. I can’t move again. I just can’t. I need to find a new roommate but I don’t even know where to look or who to ask. She was like my savior when I needed to move away form Evil-Ex and away from her douchebag ex and now she wants to move away from me. I don’t want her to feel bad. She needs to do what’s best for her but no one does what’s best for me and I’m left all alone.  I just don’t know what to do. My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My heart hurts. 

5 comments:

  1. Hugs from Pennsylvania, Haven.

    ReplyDelete
  2. And hugs from Emily (friend of a BL :)) This sounds absolutely insane and cold of me to say...but this will be a growing opportunity for you. When the panic, anxiety, pain fades (and it will. Maybe not tomorrow, or soon, but it will), it will be a huge step for you in your healing, in your learning to cope with your disorder. I know you'll get through. I'm so so so sorry you're hurting right now. But I know you'll get through. Get your head up. :) Emily

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi my name is Paul I live in London I was diagnosed with Borderline back in 2005. Before that I lived on the streets for 20 years But now I have my own place and I have gone on to be involved with The K.U.F. that's the Knowledge and understanding framework. Don't ask me what that acutely means I don't really know but I know what its all about its about raising awareness of personality disorder and I get paid to do it I have just finished co facilitating two groups both of which were made up of the very same staff that were looking after me on the ward.so now I get to tell them what to do. No but its good to see that now we as suffers can teach Hospital staff what it is like for us.
    My life has changed on the outside and it is changing on the inside too but it is a hell of a lot harder but if like me you are lucky enough to get a grate team like I have then you've got a better chance of change.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I realize this is way too late to say. But as I just found you not too long ago, I am still catching up on your posts. Almost there! I hate that you had a day like this. I know too well how it is practically impossible to not believe somehow you are deficient. Haven, is our illness trying at times? Yes, but what I have read thus far about you whether you can see it or not is that you are wonderfully insightful,proactive about your problems ( which let me tell you is not usual) and a freakishly talented person, honestly dont understand how it is possible for someone to be great at so many things. It's not just that you are great things. It is the fact that you interests are so diverse, you go after things like a mormon on a mission, and you are just so stinking interesting. I frankly dont know who would not want to talk to you for hours. So in short, your good outweighs the bad by far. You are worth someone keeping you in their life. This is just the old tape that plays. Anyways some people will leave, some arent trustworthy but maybe soon after more therapy you will realize that doesnt say what you think it does about you.

    ReplyDelete

Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...