Friday, October 14, 2011

Lucid Analysis – Trials in Therapy


Therapy absolutely sucked last night. I walked into Therapists office full of energy. Light headed, brain whirring, full of energy. I sat down and she instantly commented on how I was glowing and seemed to really be getting through my grieving process (a.k.a. getting over Friend). I talked about forming attachments at work and how having an emotional investment in the people I work with seems to really drive my desire to have an emotional investment in the work I’m doing.
Not a breathe later she practically cuts me off saying how happy she is for me, and that it’s good that I’m being socially invested with the guys I work with, but I shouldn’t get too close to them. It’s a good idea to keep a nice respectful rapport but dating is a bad idea in case something goes wrong. I hadn’t even had a chance to tell her about Tech Boy. And of course, now I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to tell her that we’ve been talking more and he really seems to like me. Hell, he’s coming over Saturday to make me dinner!
I felt crushed. Instantly. Like someone had just dropped a cartoon anvil on my heart.
For months she’s been asking me if there’s anyone at work I thought had potential to date. Last week she said I was taking safe risks and she was happy for me. This week she completely contradicted herself. I don’t know what to believe. I’m incredibly confused about what I’m supposed to do now. I was so distracted driving home I missed my exit. At home I had the worst knots and anxiety I’ve had in ages. I drank. A Lot. How am I supposed to trust her when she tells me conflicting things? She sees how happy I was and then says I shouldn’t pursue the thing that’s making me happy. Does she not really want me to be happy? I’m sure there’s an aspect of concern for my professional integrity. I have plenty of that concern! Then of course, I couldn’t stop my mind from racing over all the things I have to consider. How close could I actually be? How do I even figure out if I can trust him?
By most anyone’s standards I’ve lived a rather shocking life. At least, I’ve had a lot of shocking experiences. It’s all stuff I would never tell my coworkers. That, of course, makes me think of how much of myself I won’t be able to share, or shouldn’t share with Tech Boy. Which leads to how unfair it would be for me to get involved with anyone because I simply have too much crap baggage. How do I ever get involved with anyone and expect them to be ok with the things that have happened in my life?
I’ve just been taking this day by day. Appreciating each day (ok, so it’s only been like a week or two, but still! That’s longer than I’ve had in so long). I can’t think of the long run. I don’t even know how. Things don’t last that long, or don’t turn out how I want them to. I don’t want to think about the future. I want to enjoy my life now. For once! Apparently I’m not allowed.  Lost and confused.
She asked me how things were going with Friend. Fine. I don’t think I’m so emotionally dependent on him. I still talk to him every day, but I don’t NEED to. She thinks he gives off mixed signals. Like on Saturday for his wife’s birthday, instead of spending much time with her, he spent almost the entire evening with me. So what. You know. He has stuff going on in his life too. It’s a tough month for him and maybe he just needed a caring friend nearby. She thinks there might be more there, but he’s dissociated from his feelings so he’d probably never be honest with me. I’m kind of getting sick of Therapist always harping on him. She puts so much emphasis on my grieving the loss of the intimacy we had. I’m just sick of hearing it. Sick. Sick. Sick.
And then she also went on about how I seem so steady, like my foundation is very solid, so she can’t imagine that I was turbulent when I was younger. I have done A LOT of changing and growing over the last decade. A lot. I slowly changed from Acting Out, to almost entirely Acting In. I’ve put in an incredible amount of time analyzing myself and increasing my self-awareness. I have changed a lot over the years, but that doesn’t change who I was.
She flat out does not believe me when I tell her I was a terror in middle school and high school.  How does she expect to get an accurate picture of who I am if she doesn’t even listen to what I’m telling her? She thinks I’m too kind, and sweet, and loving to have ever been, this violently angry, destructive person. I terrorized my sister, fought with my brother, had house shaking screaming matches with my parents. Daily. I put my fists through windows and walls. Kicked down almost all the doors in the house, vandalized properly, shoplifted, got arrested, drank, had reckless sex, my parents even tried kicking me out of the house until I actually ran away. I could go on forever. I’m not proud of the girl I was, but it doesn’t change the fact that I was in fact, that girl. That she doesn’t believe me really makes me wonder how she expects to help me. 
She wants me to be this person she thinks I am. Except I’m the person I actually am.
I don’t want to go back. At least not to her. Maybe I should find a new therapist.

5 comments:

  1. I can see why you're frustrated with your therapist. I can. Sidenote: And it's funny----I have that destructive side too, yet I can be sweet as sugar 99.9% of the time. I was a wall-puncher in my day too. No one would ever believe it except for those who grew up with me.

    But on to your therapist, the fact that she specifically asked if you had any "potential interests" at work a few weeks back, and now says to stay away from it---well that's weird. But please don't give up on her. Remember, no one is perfect, including therapists. If you can possibly push her on it, ask her why she's discouraging it now. I know that's not easy. Another thing on the therapist, I know exactly what you mean when you voice your frustration about her doubting what a crazy child you were. You don't want her to argue with you, you want her to listen and accept, and still show acceptance. Her response is a natural instinct though, she's trying to pay compliment to you, although it's not what you need or wanting. I just know from communicating with my BL friend though, sometimes it's difficult to know what you need. Sometimes it hits me 2 weeks later---what he was actually looking for and it wasn't at all what I thought at the time.

    I'm rambling, but my message is-don't give up on your therapist yet. No one is perfect. Give both her and you an opportunity to understand her message to you about Tech Boy, and your happiness with Tech Boy. Have a good weekend H! Em

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  2. i agree - stick with this therapist for now anyway. from all you've written she's been much more of a help than a hindrance.

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  3. hmmm... perhaps the question of "do you see anyone potentially interesting" was a check regarding where you were in the "grieving" process? Therapist could be using your response as a gauge, maybe? Which is not the same thing as "find a new friend from among your co-workers" even though that's how I would have taken it, too.

    and the concern that dating a coworker could poison a really lovely working environment for you is, alas, a valid one. (having done the poisoned work environment due to relationship fail before, i can say that it SUCKS. sucks poo-throwing monkey balls, in fact. and this is in retail, where one can go days without seeing the offending coworker...)

    But hopefully dinner went well last night, and Therapist will be able to work with the situation. I shall keep my fingers crossed for things to sort out optimally for you!

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  4. Look at it like this: you don't want to change therapists based on one session alone.

    It's a good idea to get it straight with her on Tech Boy and your past - to ask her for a complete and long explanation. Besides, therapists have bad weeks. If this was the case, she was being "not perfect" last session and missed your point, or took a personal one for yours.

    Or she's being annoying bc she's trying to dig out something you weren't seeing.

    In any case, it's worthwhile to invest some sessions over it.

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  5. ::sigh:: You're all probably right. I'm definitely going to keep going to her. At least for now.

    I definitely feel myself slipping into a black and white pattern with Therapist. When sessions are good they are very good, when they are bad I never want to go back, ever. I always force myself to, but how I feel is entirely dependent on the last experience, so it's hard for me to imagine the next session will be better, or she will not be disappointed with me, or something, since that's what I know from the last session.

    All there is to do is push on I guess.

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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