Thursday, October 13, 2011

Who wants to be happy anyways?


I have the worst anxiety I’ve had in a really, really long time right this second. I told Therapist about Tech Boy and she instantly made me deflate. I was so up, and positive, and productive today. I thought she’d be happy that I was moving on, meeting someone. I was excited, was getting butterflies in my stomach. The good kind! Not the I want to tear my hair out and smash windows kind. He was making me smile today, telling me nice things. I’ve been looking forward to going into work!.... and INSTANTLY she squashed that happiness. I felt totally lost when she said I shouldn’t get involved with him. I know it’s probably not a good idea but I’ve been feeling good! I just want to keep feeling! For a change! I hate this! Why, as soon as I find something to invest in does someone need to take it away? Why?

My stomach is in horrible knots. I’m having a drink. 

She didn’t even give me a chance to talk and be happy about it! She just jumped in and started in on how I’m making good decisions and I shouldn’t take that kind of risk in case of a break up or whatever… when just last week she said I was taking good risks! For months she’s been asking me about guys at work that I could possibly be interested in. Even when I was with Lady Friend! Seriously, what the fuck?!? I just want to feel cared for. For a change. And I was starting to hope that I could be.  With someone that I’m attracted to, and have obvious interests shared with, who isn’t fucking married, who is actually interested in me…. Despite how weird I am. Too much to hope for? Ya know what? Screw it. I’m doing what I’m going to do. 

Maybe she's just jealous. Seriously. Recently divorced. Recently broken up with her latest boyfriend that she also found a million things wrong with. Admittedly he was probably horrible but that doesn't mean everyone will be horrible to women right? RIGHT? 

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