I know I usually do this on Friday, but I was a little, busy, yesterday ß---- Secret.
I like to think of my session on Thursday as I Hate Everything but I’ll do it anyways. And by everything, I really just mean my body. I’ve been bumping up my workouts like mad, started a food journal again to track everything I’m taking in, and I’m still not seeing the results I want to see as fast as I want to see them. But let’s face it, if it didn’t happen yesterday it’s not going to be fast enough for me.
I’m freaking out about putting on weight because I’m trying to kick a really bad habit. Maybe habit isn’t really the word so much as addiction. I’ve been addicted to diet pills for longer than I care to remember. I hate them, I need them. I stopped taking them. They’re a major crutch for me. I don’t overdose on them, but I take the max possible. Every day. The same times every day. If I don’t, or I miss a dose, the panic starts. The thought of gaining weight is terrifying to me. The thought of taking these pills for the rest of my life disgusts me.
I hate talking about this stuff in real life. Guys don’t like to hear you obsess about your weight or pick apart your flaws, I don’t like to show that things like this bother me. When you see me in person I’m confident and I have a very “I am the way I am, if you don’t like it, get the hell out of my way” attitude. Which isn’t all an act. I don’t care what other people think of me (unless I’m very emotionally attached), I care what I, me, think of me. And I’m not happy.
Therapist wondered what triggered this because I don’t usually harp on about it. I talk about my bulimia often enough, but I don’t usually tear myself apart to her out loud. She actually thought that I didn’t have these thoughts very often. ::blinks:: I OBSESS about my body.
I’m sick of it.
My health is really important to me. I am worried about the affect these things will have on my healt. I just got so disheartened when Psychiatrist put me on the drugs that made me gain weight. I won’t even see him anymore. I see his PA, and I like her a lot better. I worked so hard to get my body to a place where I was truly comfortable with myself and in ONE MONTH he destroyed that for me. I’ve been struggling ever since.
And what’s ridiculous, is no one else sees it. Everyone tells me that I have a killer body, but it’s not what I want. Even when I got my tattoo, it took a lot for me to post the pics of my body, b/c to me, I am over weight in those.
Homework: Pull out my pencils, pens, and/or paint, and draw how I perceive my body to be.
I have a completely distorted view of myself and I’m not sure how to fix this. Therapist absolutely can not relate to this at all though. She’s the kind of person that’s always had to work to GAIN weight. Boo hoo. So she wants to get a better idea of the difference between what actually is and what I see in myself.
Regardless of all this body image weight phobia I’m doing something that I need to do for me. I kicking this addiction. It’s been about 3 weeks already. I think about it every day. Not opening up that bottle is still really difficult, but I’m doing it.
And despite all these bad thoughts, and these overwhelming feelings that I should be hiding myself away so no one can look at me, I’m still going out. I’m still working to put myself out there. Hell, I’m still dating! In fact I had a date with Tech Boy right after my session.
So, we haven’t had sex yet (not to be confused with not doing a lot of other stuff though haha). This actually freaks me out. He hasn’t pressured me for it at all. I don’t know if it’s because his ankle is still broken or what. It makes me paranoid though. Even though he’s like super cuddly, eye contact, really into everything I say… wtf? I have to say, he is a Borderline’s dream to sleep with. Let me tell you how much I love waking up next to someone like him. If I even try rolling away from him he pulls me back and wraps his arms around me. And then says he could stay like that all day. So I guess all in all things are going relatively well there.
I’m still struggling with how much I can trust him with. I have such a hard time trusting anyone, especially men. I know there are some decent ones out there, they just haven’t been very prominent in my life. Sorry guys. I’m still struggling with how much I should invest too because I don’t know how right we are for each other. Then again, sometimes I think I could fall in love with anyone.
Alright I’m a little drugged up at the moment, so I honestly can’t think straight. I have no focus. Spin spin spin.
I think I’ll go make Honey Lavender Biscotti and Buttermilk waffles for Roommate.
I love food. I hate food. There is no in between.