We talked about this more than I wanted to.
Things with Friend have been improving too. I still have a lot of anger and resentment, BUT, it’s definitely diminishing. There are times I actually feel fully engaged in the ridiculous conversations we have. Romantically my focus has almost fully shifted to Tech Boy, so I don’t have the same kind of obsessive ruminations that I used to. His wife still makes me sick to my stomach but I expect that will always be the case. She’s an ugly person. And it’s still a thorn in my side that he would prefer to be with someone so hideous over someone like me. Whatever buddy, his loss.
Homework: What do I envision for a healthy relationship?
- Mutual respect.
- Someone I am comfortable being with and sharing with.
- Not being afraid to be myself.
- Not being afraid the other person will leave if I go out with or make new friends.
- Someone that wants to be with me, not other people also. < ------ This is a change.
For the Healthy Relationships question I feel like there should be more. I just don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like though. I keep wanting to list things I want in a partner or am most attracted to in a partner, but even thinking about some of the things makes me wonder if what I look for is healthy at all so I don’t put that stuff down.
Relationships are hard.
Therapist thinks I’m making amazing progress though. It’s not like I’m all recovered or anything but my responses and reactions are steadily becoming more appropriate/less extreme and I’m beginning to think about things differently. And she continually reassures me that I’m a joy to work with. No joke, therapy is not easy. Some days I can be in a great mood, and leave therapy feeling very heavy hearted. Some days I can be in a terrible mood and leave therapy feeling worse. I always leave therapy feeling more aware though, and like some part of my burden has been lifted. Less confused. It’s not easy confronting your issues on a weekly basis. It takes effort but I really think it’s worth it.
Sometimes writing this blog is hard. So many people, Borderline or not, are not very self-aware and do not often analyze themselves or their motivations. Every day I write this blog I’m forced to face some aspects of my history and my disorder. I’m hyperaware of my problems. On the one hand this is good because it reminds me daily how I need to tailor my mask and my actions to fit into my environment in an appropriate manner. It forces me to look at my life, consider where I’ve been and where I want to go. On the other hand sustaining such a heightened sense of Self is exhausting. I over analyze everything. It does seem to be paying off though.