Friday, November 4, 2011

Lucid Anlaysis - Trials in Therapy : Healthy Seperation?

Therapy was neither good nor bad yesterday. Mostly we talked about how distraught I am that my co-worker is leaving. He’s seriously like THE PERFECT PERSON to work with and have as a mentor. I’ve never really had a mentor like that before and the experience is invaluable. Therapist thinks I’m in shock right now from the suddenness of the announcement. It’s clearly triggered my rejection and abandonment issues. Ultimately she does think this will be a good opportunity for me to grow in healthy way. I’m angry at myself for allowing myself to rely on someone. I’m angry at him for up and leaving. My gut reaction is to pull back and put as much emotional distance between myself and the entire situation as I possibly can. Therapist thinks I should do the opposite.
!?!
She thinks that instead of pushing away I should take the time I have left with him and get to know him better on a personal level. Get closer. I told her that sounded scary. Why would I want to invest MORE emotionally when I know for a FACT that they’re going to leave?  Isn’t that like emotional masochism?
She says ‘no’. This is a normal process in life. Jobs change, people move, and since there is no aspect of this that is my fault it’s unlikely that I will internalize it as something to punish myself with. Plus, he’s a mentor. He’s been a positively influential role model in my life and that is precisely the kind of healthy relationship I should continue to cultivate. I know him, his wife, his kids, even on a social level. Just because he is moving physically does not mean the personal/professional aspect and bond that we have created will disappear. This will be an excellent opportunity for me to experience a healthy a separation and work to maintain a connection throughout the process of changing locations, not abandonment. Therapist actually believes that this is affecting me is also a good thing. It means that I’ve begun to internalize someone. It’s something that’s extremely important for someone like me that has a complete lack of object constancy. I don’t believe that he’ll remember me once he’s gone, and I don’t understand how I can still be a part of his life if I’m not around, but if there’s anyone that I think will welcome remaining in contact, it would be him. We’ll just have to see. I’m taking it one day at a time, and frankly, trying to avoid thinking about it.
My goal is to learn as much from him as possible so that I gain even more confidence in the job that I have so that I do not feel so lost when I no longer have a mentor and role model to rely on. Therapist thinks this is actually a very good plan.
We talked about this more than I wanted to.
She asked me about Tech Boy and Friend. How things were going with them? Things with Tech Boy are going really well. He’s going out of state this weekend so I won’t be able to see him, and I have something I’m doing with Roommate next weekend so I don’t think I’ll be able to see him then. This is creating a massive amount of anxiety in me. I told him I hope he has a lot of fun at his event this weekend though I kind of wish I could see him. His reply, “It’ll be a blast, but we’ll hang out soon, I promise.” So that’s at least a little reassuring. I’m just afraid that two weekends in a row is going to be too much. I can’t shake this mentality that if I’m not giving myself in some way sexually than he won’t maintain an interest in me. On the one hand, if that’s true than he’s just another jerk and I shouldn’t bother, but I also know that I need to feel like I’m doing something, providing something, taking care of something, for other people in order for them to need me. I need to know there’s a reason they stay, otherwise I don’t understand how there will be anything to hold them to me. Like me for me? Just for my personality? And because I’m apparently a good, loving person? Psh. Whatever. I don’t believe it’s enough. I need to DO something to make someone stay.
I know he likes me though. It’s really not hard to make me feel good or reassured. I see him at work quite a bit, but as a group we all have breaks at the same time and spend them down in the shop together. I was really busy yesterday afternoon (and honestly feeling really self-conscious to the point where I couldn’t stand the thought of being where people could look at me) so I skipped break. Right afterwards he texted asking me why I didn’t show up. Aws, he missed me. He texts me randomly so I know he’s thinking about me. And lately it’s become a habit to text each other right up until we’re falling asleep and tell each other good night. It’s adorable.  
Things with Friend have been improving too. I still have a lot of anger and resentment, BUT, it’s definitely diminishing. There are times I actually feel fully engaged in the ridiculous conversations we have. Romantically my focus has almost fully shifted to Tech Boy, so I don’t have the same kind of obsessive ruminations that I used to. His wife still makes me sick to my stomach but I expect that will always be the case. She’s an ugly person. And it’s still a thorn in my side that he would prefer to be with someone so hideous over someone like me. Whatever buddy, his loss.
Did I mention Lady Friend got ahold of me? On Halloween she was travelling and texted me around midnight saying that, “There are so many things here that remind me of you. I just wanted to see how you were doing and try to reconnect…” I was really surprised. I ended things with her very abruptly and just stopped talking to her. I was a complete mix of guilt and relief for weeks, but I felt paralyzed to even read the e-mails she sent me. I still haven’t read them. But she got ahold of me anyways and I would like to see her and catch up. Here’s something that I think is a Borderline issue. I actually don’t think we ended badly. We didn’t have any big fights or anything, I just couldn’t do it anymore and kind of, disappeared. ::hugs:: ::kisses:: “I missed you”. Gone.  The chemistry wasn’t there for me at all, but she really is a wonderful person. Some part of me knows this wasn’t an appropriate way to end things, but it doesn’t seem terrible to me either. I drop off the face of the earth with people all the time. I wonder how this will go.
My body dysmophia is killing me though. I want to see everyone. I want to be with everyone. I want to go out and do things. But I can’t stand the thought of people looking at me right now. It makes my skin crawl. I quit smoking, for real this time. It’s been a few weeks and unfortunately I have gained like 5lbs. I’m absolutely disgusted with myself. I’m kicking up my workouts and reinstating the food diary to keep track of everything I consume. Surprisingly, I’ve been in much better control of my bulimia. I don’t even remember the last time I threw up! ::pats myself on the back:: I also gave up one more major addiction (one that I haven’t mentioned before) but that’ll be a post for another time.

Therapist completely forgot to ask me about the Homework she set for me last week but I’ll share my answers with you anyways.
Homework: What positive things have I taken from my relationship with Friend?
-         I’ve seen that it’s possible to find someone that I share so much in common with.
-         I realized that even after having so many devastating relationships it’s still possible to open up and connect with someone.
-         I have someone to watch endless amounts of bad horror with.
-         There is someone out there that understands and appreciates my wacky brain.
-         For all the emotional ups and down, pushing and pulling away, he never left, never threatened to leave. Shows me that it is possible for someone to stay regardless of how much I lash out or am hurting. For all the emotional turmoil he has been a stable presence.
Homework: What do I envision for a healthy relationship?
-         Acceptance.
-         Mutual respect.
-         Someone I am comfortable being with and sharing with.
-         Not being afraid to be myself.
-         Not being afraid the other person will leave if I go out with or make new friends.
-         Someone that wants to be with me, not other people also. < ------ This is a change.

For the Healthy Relationships question I feel like there should be more. I just don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like though. I keep wanting to list things I want in a partner or am most attracted to in a partner, but even thinking about some of the things makes me wonder if what I look for is healthy at all so I don’t put that stuff down.
Relationships are hard.
Therapist thinks I’m making amazing progress though. It’s not like I’m all recovered or anything  but my responses and reactions are steadily becoming more appropriate/less extreme and I’m beginning to think about things differently. And she continually reassures me that I’m a joy to work with. No joke, therapy is not easy. Some days I can be in a great mood, and leave therapy feeling very heavy hearted. Some days I can be in a terrible mood and leave therapy feeling worse. I always leave therapy feeling more aware though, and like some part of my burden has been lifted. Less confused. It’s not easy confronting your issues on a weekly basis. It takes effort but I really think it’s worth it.
Sometimes writing this blog is hard. So many people, Borderline or not, are not very self-aware and do not often analyze themselves or their motivations. Every day I write this blog I’m forced to face some aspects of my history and my disorder. I’m hyperaware of my problems. On the one hand this is good because it reminds me daily how I need to tailor my mask and my actions to fit into my environment in an appropriate manner. It forces me to look at my life, consider where I’ve been and where I want to go. On the other hand sustaining such a heightened sense of Self is exhausting. I over analyze everything. It does seem to be paying off though.  

5 comments:

  1. well,keepa up the good work!
    sorry to hear you're not comfortable going outside...
    maybe this is a topic for your next session!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I would not be able to allow comments at all, if I had such a blog with personal things (just trying to start one, but it's not going well yet). That would be too much for me. I would collapse from every negative comment.
    I would be glad to see you keeping up the good work, but be gentle with yourself.

    Abandonment.
    I wish I could say - here is a reader-commenter (me) who is going to stay forever. I really wish. But who knows what life will do, it is not only up to us, if we stay or not. I wish somebody could say this to me too, in life. I would be happy to stay forever and to have someone near me forever, God I would!! When somebody leaves - it feels like dying, the emptiness is worse than anything. If I had a stronger sense of self, that would probably be possible to live through the changes, but I'm not there yet.
    Probably only dead relationships are those that last forever and never change. The relationships that are alive - they change.
    It is possible to "reincarnate" a relationship with the same person though, but it is a luck, to find someone, who changes but still connects to you in a meaningful way, in a relationship that can reborn again and again.

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  3. Your therapist is right--it sounds like you're making amazing progress! And that takes some balls to do what she suggested and really get to know work friend before he leaves. I know logically it doesn't have to be goodbye forever what with the phone and internet and junk, but I'm like you. It's so hard for me to connect with people when that little voice is in the back of your head saying "why bother? they'll only leave you." But it's definitely better to make those connections.

    xoxox

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  4. @aizen... yes it definitely will be!

    @expedition... I'm trying to be gentle with myself but it's hard for me to remember. I'm traditionally very tough on myself. The negative comments can be very hurtful or make me very defiant. It really depends on my mood. Fortunately I receive many more positive comments than negative. The people that generally follow this kind of blog are those trying to learn and are sympathetic.

    I wish you could say that too. I know I have a few readers out there that read me everyday even if they don't comment. Knowing they're out there (yeah you!) gives me the strength to post when I don't feel like I have it in me some days. And you're right. "It is possible to "reincarnate" a relationship with the same person though, but it is a luck, to find someone, who changes but still connects to you in a meaningful way, in a relationship that can reborn again and again. " This is rare and very lucky.


    @Mich ... It's really scary to try to open myself up more to someone I know is going to leave but he really is a wonderful person and I can learn so much from him. I'm still fighting with how to do this but right now I think I'm going to try. Thank you! xoxo

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  5. "The chemistry wasn’t there for me at all, but she really is a wonderful person. Some part of me knows this wasn’t an appropriate way to end things, but it doesn’t seem terrible to me either. I drop off the face of the earth with people all the time. I wonder how this will go."

    As a non, I feel I must pipe up here. I'm not sure how obvious this is to you, but clearly this is grossly hypocritical. On the one hand you fear abandonment by people, yet on the other you are ok with abandoning them with no courtesy of explanation?

    ReplyDelete

Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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