Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Random Life Update


I had every intention of doing a real post today but work was pretty much non-stop so I didn’t have time. So here’s a random life update.

At work it’s annual performance appraisal time. I’ve only been there 8 months but I still get one. It’s a sit down, face to face, talk with the boss. I hate these. It’s like insta panic attack x 10, with no warning. So he calls me into his office. I’m positive he’s going to tell me I’m doing a terrible job and that my job is at stake (because if you’ve been reading my schema assessments you know I have this problem with failure, unrelenting standards for myself, and feeling like everything I do isn’t good enough if I’m not the foremost authority on it in the world). His only real critique was that I should push my co-workers harder if I need something from them instead of trying to go about it myself. Then he talked to me about more projects he’d like me to take one and my long term goals (years down the line) with the group. I guess that means I’m not getting fired any time soon. If I’m being real nice to myself I guess that means I’m actually doing a pretty good job because the rest of my appraisal was all aces. Anxiety attack averted.


Chemistry. Get it? Ya, I know I'm lame. 
Things with Tech Boy have been going swimmingly. So we finally did the deed. TMI? Nah. Ok, got that out of my system. After work Friday we went out for drinks at a favorite local spot. Preceded to get pretty buzzed before heading back to my place (I definitely should not have been driving, bad Haven). We talked a lot and I got a lot more insight into his personality. There were a few flags that I should probably pay attention too…. Like the fact that he hasn’t had a girlfriend in, oh, 7 years, because he hasn’t been with a chick he likes for long enough to consider her girlfriend material. Then again, his cut off time was like 3 weeks and we’ve been doing, whatever we’re doing, for over a month now (plus he’s known me for 8 months). I don’t know what I should be reading into this, but you can bet it’s gonna be too much and too varied. So we came back to my place, put on Fight Club, and started messing around. Stopping periodically to chat and whatever. At one point we were snuggled up together and he ran his fingers down my arm, “So I’ve been wondering for a while now, what’s with all the scars.”  Oh the trials of a misspent youth. I explained I had a rather hard time growing up, it was something I needed to do to remind me that I was a part of the world. I do what I need to do to keep myself alive. That’s all that matters. I was a little drunk at the time and he didn’t push me to elaborate too much so I’m guessing he was a little weirded out but ultimately handled it okay. Especially as he spent a good chunk of time after staring into my eyes, tell me how beautiful my eyes were, how beautiful I am… and all that cuteness.  This was after the sexin so if that was all he wanted he didn’t have to tell me these things. Or yanno, stay over, which he seems to like to do. So two important events happened Friday night; sex and scars. Fun. He left at like noon Saturday…. And didn’t text me the next day.  

Advice to the Gentlemen out there: Don’t do that. If you sleep with a girl. You better ask her how she is the next day.

And I’ll be damned if I was texting him. So my paranoia ran away with itself and I started having all kinds of ridiculous accusatory badness running through my head; just wanted me for sex, I opened up too much and freaked him out, I never should have been honest with him about my scars, I’m too this, I’m not enough that….etc. When really, it’s a guy game. I know it is. It’s awful. Hence my post on trust issues.  Anyways. The no texting lasted until approximately 7 a.m. bright and early. And I let him text me first after that. I usually do this. I hate texting people I’m interested in. I almost never initiate contact or dates. I always let the other person do it. This way I don’t feel like I’m forcing their hand and I know they actually want to go out and do something/talk to me because they’re not just responding out of obligation. As soon as he texted me the next night my paranoia melted. I feel stupid admitting that, but it did. I hate that I can get so invested in someone that I clearly don’t trust yet, and something as simple as having their attention makes me feel better.


Must. Contain. The. Crazy.


Which is going to be difficult considering I have to go home tomorrow for Thanksgiving. This is always a rough time for me. Holidays with my family are extremely triggering. My family, my old home, my town, my bulimia, it all comes up and makes me want to do bad things. I’m trying my damnedest to keep it in check. It was around this time last year that I finally couldn’t take it anymore and jumped into therapy again, and found my psychiatrist. I’ve made a lot of progress over the last year. I do know that I’ve been in a relatively stable environment though. Home with my family has never been a stable environment. Here’s hoping it goes ok. 

6 comments:

  1. excellent post. i feel you about the performance reviews. they are never.ever.fun.

    i hope you can be mindful during thanksgiving... remember that you aren't who you were, even if (location wise) you are now where you were then.

    peace!

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  2. It seems that it's often those who feel like they're failing who excell in areas a lot of people can't. Good job on the preformance review.

    The guy thing is always scary, but I guess I've ultimately learned that it's sometimes best to throw everything you think will scare them shitless at them and see what happens. Usually, they'll either care and get of the "what the fuck?" or they'll run screaming. Either way, it really lets you know what a person is like.

    When it comes to going home for the holidays, I completely understand what you feel. I've almost just completely stayed away before, but then I realized that it would bring up even more judgement that going and being my already-black-sheep self. Sometimes, it really feels like it's a no win situation.

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  3. Boys are so clueless.
    -__-

    I wouldn't worry too much about telling him where the scars are from. I feel like more people are aware of self-harm and it's less of a taboo thing than it was like 10+ years ago.

    Good one on the performance review!! I get the same way with things like that--I must be absolutely perfect, or else I'm a failure. There's never an in between. And it makes us so very hard on ourselves. <3

    I hope you have a good Thanksgiving. xoxo

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  4. Sith, you are cool and you know it. You are good people, time to start accepting the fact that you have the goods. Embrace that.

    As far as your scars, if he is freaked out about them, that is a "him problem"
    My guess is that he was not wanting to smother you by texting the next day, so he didn't, but the entire day, he likely started to on a few occasion, but stopped himself, in an attempt to not be "that guy."

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  5. @Liz... Thanks. Yes, that'd definitely something I'm going to try to remember.

    @Satrina ... "It seems that it's often those who feel like they're failing who excell in areas a lot of people can't."

    I think the anxiety of failure pushes me me and motivates me more than others which thereby increases my odds of success. I guess all anxiety isn't a bad thing.

    Yeah, staying away isn't an option. It would just be a different kind of pressure and guilt ::hugs::

    @Mich ... The conversation about my scars is one I'm always expecting but never quite prepared for. You and Satrina are right though. Espically as I make no qualms about hiding them, if he can't accept this part of me, he'll never be able to accept all of me, and that's definitely something I do not need.

    @ib... How I adore you. You're wonderful. Do guys really worry about smothering a girl? I guess I really don't understand why guys act certain ways, and this is definitely one of them. I hope you're right though. Thanks!

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  6. You are too kind. And yes, guys do show emotion SOMETIMES. I wish that I could enlighten you on the behavior of the male species but, being one, I can only agree, because if I had the answer, well, lets just say 'things would be different.'
    By the way,
    enjoy some of the tummy yummy. You need not gorge into a turkey coma like the rest of the country, and if you're a vegan, I am sure that, by now, there is a soy turkey out there somewhere. God bless you and yours, Sith.

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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