Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Do relationships ever work?


I’m so dizzy I want to vomit.

I won’t see Tech Boy this weekend… again. He’s going out of state to bar hop and see friends. I think I know where I rank in his priorities. He texted me to see if I wanted to go to lunch tomorrow b/c he wouldn’t be around this weekend. I said sure {but over a series of texts} he didn’t need to feel obligated to me or anything if he didn’t want to.

Does this sound overly weird?

Tech Boy: Wanna do lunch tomorrow? I’m not gonna be here this weekend?

Me: Yeah I’m down for lunch. Where ya going this weekend?

Tech Boy: Philly to see my friends for a night. Maybe two, haha.

Me: Cool. Cool. You’re gonna owe me night or two soon.

Tech Boy: Haha I really am… I’ve been slackin.

Me: Don’t think I haven’t noticed buddy haha. It’s whateves. What ya gonna get up to in Philly? Anything special or just chillin?

Tech Boy: Getting into troublelol rabbling around bars and whatnot. I’m a big fan of drinking and just seeing what happens lol.

Me: hah me too for sure.

(after a drink and a few minutes) Me:  I’d like to hang, but we don’t have to do lunch tomorrow if u really don’t want to see me. I don’t want u to feel obligated or anything?

Tech Boy: Now why on earth would you go and say something like that?

Me: Nothing to it. Just don’t want u to feel like u owe me anything. You’re not the easiest guy to read.
Tech Boy: I know… I don’t much like being simple.

Me: no worries, haha.

I also texted Friend, venting “I hate men.” He asked if it had anything to do with Tech Boy.

My response, “All men are the same.” He responded with….

“Okay, Well, You’re my friend, he can go F himself for all I care if he hurt you.”

And I fucking snapped and finally told him, “Right, like it matters. Not like you don’t still fucking hurt me too. WTF ever.”

He’s supposed to be this super Empath that is totally in tune with the emotions of everyone around him. This is his claim. And yet, any time I’m over and we do something  as simple as go to the grocery story, he makes a point of making out with his wife and making a big scene of “I love you” right in front of me. With absolutely no regard for the fact that this is extremely uncomfortable for me. He’s told me himself that he never falls out of love with someone that he has loved. When his wife told him we couldn’t do what we were doing anymore I confessed how deep my feelings for him were. He knows what it’s like to always feel for someone, and yet, he has no concern for how I feel. He also completely disregards this right in front of me face Every. Time. I’m. Over. There.

Fuck him.

I told him all of this and that I was sick of the  hypocritical nature of someone that ignores my feelings for a woman that has admitted to my face that she doesn’t give a shit about how he feels. So far…… no response from him.

Surprise! Not really. My taste in men is tragic.

I hope I never see Friend again. I’m glad I played it cool with Tech Boy. It’ll make things less awkward at work. GF loves me AND wants to be with me. Remind me again why I’m not with her?

 I’m so fucking sick of investing in people that don’t give a shit about me. 

9 comments:

  1. Honey I understand! I ask myself the same damn question daily. And even after I've reached the f-them stage, I still end up missing them. It's the assholes I miss??? The nice ones, the ones that will say sweet things, make themselves totally available to me--yeah, no. They are gone, and I don't even miss that? I miss the little nibbles the assholes gave me, as though they are golden?

    You pick these guys for a reason though, you know. As much as they hurt you, they are safe. And they are a challenge. And with them, you can always fantasize about a day when they'll suddenly realize they are madly in love with you, bust through your door, and you'll be together forever. With them, there's always that dream. And there you'll have it---you will have changed a man, your greatness will have changed a man and he'll love you forever! (Ok, that's me. But these boys of yours sound a lot like the ones I pick!)

    GF isn't a challenge really, or so that's the way it sounds. And, she's already offered you an ending---being together. That's a lot of pressure.

    Tech Boy did come across as kind of a douche in the texts. And Friend, I don't know. His friendship seems like a success with you, so I hate to judge it. But wow, it's a loaded one too.

    My advise: Decide what it is you want, and set boundaries :) (That was your advise to me, and you were exactly right) Em

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  2. omg the relationships I have ruined with that "are you SURE you really and truly wanna hang out with me?" crap. I still do that all the time too. Sitting here now, in fact, missing someone I drove away with that routine. We have to try and stop that or no, relationships will never work.

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  3. I’m so fucking sick of investing in people that don’t give a shit about me.


    When Friend and TB text you, remember THAT feeling!! Don't let go of it no matter what. I'm so glad that you're finally starting to see how extremely beautiful and worthy you are. I'm so glad that you're finally starting to insist people treat you properly. It might just be a tiny baby step. But at least it's there. I'm so proud of you!!!

    Friend and TB BOTH use you because you allow them to and once you start insisting people treat you better, you may lose a few long time friendships but you'll gain some awesome new ones and will wonder why the hell did you NOT do this sooner?!

    I truly am proud of you.

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  4. Even if it doesn't seem like it, it sounds like you're enabling Friend and TB by letting them get away with not giving a shit about you. Stand up for yourself and set some ground rules. Otherwise, they can walk. They are both completely replaceable.

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  5. Everyone is replaceable and that is the achille's heel for a BPD - because a new 'other' can always be arranged before dinnertime.

    Result is BPD never get past the honeymoon and 'meet my needs' stage in a relationship - stage 1½. As as the 'other' is seen as not filling the saviour role, and refuses to be a slave, the BDP splits them and goes on to find a new 'other'. Rinse and repeat ad nauseum.

    Relationships with a BPD can not work because of the approach/avoidance intimacy problems both emotionally and physically.

    Consistent fail.

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  6. Not exactly the best past couple of days…. Damn BPD is flaring up again…

    Then while reading a book about “dealing with” people with Borderline Personality Disorder, the author flat out said that being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder is practically a death sentence. No hope of ever changing, or getting better.

    No hope, huh…. well ain’t that just dandy… (sigh

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  7. Haven you have all your answers. Nobody can do things to you without your permission. Your dance w tech boy and friend, its something you allow, its fundamentally something you control. It gives you something you need or else you would bow out. Still this stuff is more about you, the men are pretty irrelevant. You aren't a victim in this scenario you are in control. People who really like and care about you will continue to point that out.

    About GF its just an intimacy thing. Intimacy isn't that chaotic or entertaining. Its safe stable and a little scary. --chicadina

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  8. Thank you Everyone. Your support means so much to me.

    @Em … Thank you for reminding me of my own words. It’s funny how it’s so much easier to see someone else’s situation so clearly and not the one you’re actually mired in. Boundaries. I need them.

    @Maasiyat … ::hugs:: It’s so reassuring to hear someone else say this. I just have this unrelenting need to be perfect for other people but no one ever thinks to be perfect for me. It’s too much and I know I’m not being fair to myself. ::extra hug::

    @A Beer for the Shower … You’re right. I do let them get away with it, and I shouldn’t. I’m starting to stand up for myself. The hard part is fighting the fear that it will leave me abandoned in the process. Maybe it’s better to be alone than with people that don’t treat me well though.

    @Chicadina… I need to take more control of my life instead of letting my life be dictated by the needs of others. You’re right.

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  9. OMG. That SMS convo. How many times? How many times have I been Tech Boy on the other side going "Now why on earth would you go and say something like that?" Fascinating seeing it play out from the other side!

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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