Saturday, June 25, 2011

Pride!



So. Excited. Not that I believe I will ever get married but if I did find someone crazy enough to stay with me for that long at least I can know I’ll be allowed to choose openly and freely.  Some days I really do love living in New York.

This will be the best Pride ever =)




Friday, June 24, 2011

Did you see that? - Hallucinations, Distortions and Hypnogogia

I have so much I want to post all at once =( I completely forgot to post my Lucid Analysis from therapy this week (stupid busy at work this week and I didn’t have time to post Monday so now my whole schedule is thrown off). I may do that tomorrow because it was a rather insightful session. 


So continuing on with the Associated Features of Borderline Personality Disorder.
(B) Some individuals develop psychotic-like symptoms when under stress:
Ex.
-          Hallucinations
-          Body image distortions, ideas of reference
-          Hypnagogic phenomena  



Hallucinations: I can’t personally speak for hallucinations. I have never had this problem except for one time and an experience involving Absinthe, but that really has nothing to do with BPD. Friends wife has, on occasion, experienced bipolar related hallucinations. They can be visual, auditory, or sensory. Unless you consider that bugs crawling on your skin sensation a hallucination when there aren’t any bugs there. I’ve had that before, but only after I found an actual bug crawling over me and was a little ooged out.

Body image distortions: I’m not even going to expound on my issues with body image and dysmorphia. You can read about it more here. In terms of self-perception I have almost no concept of how I physically relate to another person from a physical measurements point of view. People and myself are measured by their presence in my mind. If I don’t have any respect for you, you can be 6’7” and 300lbs but you’ll register as someone nonthreatening and therefore smaller. If you’re someone I do have a great deal of respect or caring for, in my eyes you will seem taller.  Additionally, my perception of myself (has nothing to do with this), I just always think I am bigger than I am. No, not in an “I’m so fat”, kind of way. I need to physically stand side by side someone looking into a mirror to get an accurate idea of just how discrepant our sizing is. Otherwise I feel like I’m of a proportion similar to them or that their sizing is more ideal than my own. I don’t think I’m describing this well, it’s hard for me to convey. It’s a sense that I am not proportionate to those around me.

Ideas of Reference: involve people having a belief or perception in which irrelevant, unrelated or innocuous phenomena in the world refer to them directly or have special personal significance: 'the notion that everything one perceives in the world relates to one's own destiny'.  
Not my issue. I pretty much believe my place in this universe is innocuous in itself and I don’t believe in destiny at all. I am in control (or should be) of my own future.  To me this is something of a paranoid feature and my paranoia just doesn’t extend that far.


Hypnagogia is the transitional state between wakefulness and sleep (i.e. the onset of sleep).
I find this one rather fascinating… among its many names, it’s also referred to as the Borderland state. Fitting, eh? I have a lot of hypnogogic phenomena.
Transition to and from sleep may be attended by a wide variety of sensory experiences. These can occur in any modality, individually or combined, and range from the vague and barely perceptible to vivid hallucinations.
Sights - sensory features of hypnagogia are phosphenes which can manifest as seemingly random speckles, lines or geometrical patterns, including form constants, or as figurative (representational) images.
 I can’t figure out if this means with eyes open or closed. I assume closed because it’s the state between wakefulness and sleep. For me I have like this awful web of black tar that coats everything behind my eyes. It’s utterly bizarre. I just had this sense last night. I remember thinking it’s been quite a while since I’ve seen this.

Tetris Effect - People who have spent a long time at some repetitive activity before sleep, in particular one that is new to them, may find that it dominates their imagery as they grow drowsy, a tendency dubbed the Tetris effect. When the activity involves moving objects, as in the video game Tetris, the corresponding hypnagogic images also tend to be perceived as moving. The Tetris effect can be tactile as well.
I don’t really get this one, but it seems neat.


Sounds - Like the visuals, hypnagogic sounds vary in intensity from faint impressions to loud noises, such as crashes and bangs (exploding head syndrome). People may imagine their own name called or a doorbell ringing. Snatches of imagined speech are common. While typically nonsensical and fragmented, these speech events can occasionally strike the individual as apt comments on—or summations of—their thoughts at the time. They often contain word play, neologisms and made-up names. Hypnagogic speech may manifest as the subject's own "inner voice", or as the voices of others: familiar people or strangers. More rarely, poetry or music is heard.
I don’t know if I hear anything in particular when I’m hypnogogic, but I’ve been told I talk in my sleep. Clearly and often.  My Roommate, Friend, lovers, family have all told me that I talk in my sleep. As far as I can tell it’s most often at this point of bordering on sleep. Hey, it’s better than snoring I guess (which I’m told I do not do). 

Sleep paralysis – Humming, roaring, hissing, rushing, zapping, and buzzing noises are frequent in conjunction with sleep paralysis (SP). This happens when the REM atonia sets in sooner than usual, before the person is fully asleep, or persists longer than usual, after the person has (in other respects) fully awoken and causes them to be unable to move their body and limbs.
It’s not permanent, but it can certainly be a little disconcerting. I’ve never had this but some friends have mine have mentioned it.

Lucid Dreaming – This is  my favorite. Lucid dreams are dreams in which you are aware that you are dreaming. In a lucid dream, the dreamer can actively participate in and manipulate imaginary experiences in the dream environment. Lucid dreams can seem real and vivid. There are a couple different kinds and I experience both:
A dream-initiated lucid dream (DILD) starts as a normal dream, and the dreamer eventually concludes it is a dream.
A wake-initiated lucid dream (WILD) occurs when the dreamer goes from a normal waking state directly into a dream state, with no apparent lapse in consciousness.
I love dreaming. The dream world is one of my favorites to occupy. To feel your body moving through a world foreign to the one it’s actually settled in, it’s, trippy. Lucid dreaming can be cultivated by anyone really, not just those with PDs or some mental taxation. I highly recommend it.  

None of these are specific to or exclusive to Borderline Personality Disorder. Not by any stretch of the imagination. However they’re often triggered by stress and anxiety and being Borderline pretty much means you’re more prone to these triggers than average.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Sabotage!

The other day I saw this list of Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms & Associated Features. A few of them I’ve talked about already, but I found others fascinating.

(A) Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder may have a pattern of undermining themselves at the moment a goal is about to be realized:
(B) Some individuals develop psychotic-like symptoms when under stress:
(C) Individuals with BPD may feel more secure with transitional objects than in interpersonal relationships:
(D) Premature death from suicide may occur in individuals with this disorder, especially in those with co-occurring Mood Disorders or Substance-Related Disorders.
(E) Physical handicaps may result from self-inflicted abuse behaviors or failed suicide attempts.
(F) Recurrent job losses, interrupted education, and broken marriages are common.
(G) Physical and sexual abuse, neglect, hostile conflict, and early parental loss or separations are more common in the childhood.

I want to talk about a few of these over the next few days or so. So let’s begin shall we…

(A) Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder may have a pattern of undermining themselves at the moment a goal is about to be realized:
Ex.
-         dropping out of school just before graduation
-         regressing severely after a discussion of how well therapy is going
-         destroying a good relationship just when it is clear that the relationship could last

Stopping short of a major goal: I remember studying my ass off at University for weeks, only to ‘burn out’ the week before a major exam. I couldn’t look at the material anymore. I’d work myself up so much, convinced that ‘if I didn’t already know it, I wasn’t going to get it’. I’d create some mental excuse or justification for why I couldn’t study anymore. Inevitably I wouldn’t do as well as I had the rest of the Quarter. This ‘failure’ would work to kick me in the ass again and I’d redouble my efforts to get back on track for finals. It was a constant rollercoaster. Or I’ll slack off and push off completing a project until just before it’s due, practically setting myself up for a negative review. I’m almost asking to be fired. Except I’m not, and nothing could possibly be worse.

Regressing severely after an accomplishment: This. Is something I’m concerned with. I’ll be doing really great with, say, healthy weight loss, but as soon as someone recognizes this or we talk about how well I’m doing, I take a major fall back, nearly destroying all the progress I’ve made.  It makes me wonder if therapy is good for me or not (I know it is). I honestly have no idea why this is. Except that maybe I’ve been working for something for so long, wanted a goal for so long, that when I accomplish it, and it’s recognized, now there’s all this additional pressure to continue performing at this heightened level and if I don’t I’m going to inevitably let someone down. It’s that pressure I can’t stand the thought of. It’s suffocating.  

Destroying a ‘good’ relationship: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lived through this. This was like every good period with Evil-Ex I ever had. Or every good period with any person really. Granted with Evil-Ex that was in no way entirely my fault, but I’m sure I sabotaged myself repeatedly.
Sabotage. Yes. That’s the word I want. This is self-sabotage.
Self-sabotage is a combination of thoughts, feelings, and actions that create a roadblock to success by working against your own self-interests.  It is when we consciously want something but subconsciously we make sure we don't get it.  When we say we want something and then go about making sure it does not happen. Ultimately it’s due to a lack of self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence.


Fear of success.  Deep inside, there can be numerous reasons you do not want to succeed.  These are referred to as limiting beliefs.  You must overcome these limiting beliefs and break free from your fear of success.
-         I found a really interesting article on the psychology of Fear of Success. Maybe I’ll post that as it is very relevant to BPD.

Unworthiness:  is the belief or feeling that you do not deserve success.  This is due to low self-esteem and or a poor self-image.
People with a Borderline Personality Disorder often have such an unstable sense of self that it’s impossible to believe well of oneself because they don’t really have a good sense of who they are to begin with.
It takes a lot of effort to keep in mind that you are not only worthy of success, but it is your right to live in abundance and pursue happiness.

Lack of belief in abilities.  Not believing you have enough education. Not enough experience. Goals are too farfetched or unrealistic. You must do everything on your own or it won’t be your success anyways.
This is something I struggle with constantly. I need to remind myself that I do have the background, education, and experience to do what I am doing. I have to force myself to remember that no one knows everything. Not even someone in their established field of decades. Life is a learning experience and all aspects of that are a continuous learning process. It’s ok to not know everything, not be the best at everything, as long as the determination to improve and push yourself forward are there.

Working against true desires.  Unfortunately a lot of people don’t know what they want to begin with. Or work towards what someone else wants instead of their own desires.
This is so often the case with BPD. I have a terrible time making up my mind. I am constantly asking people for what they would prefer, or for opinions to help. Too often I do things that other people would prefer than what I might want. Then again, I don’t always know what I want so does it really matter if I do something I know someone, anyone, will appreciate.
Amusingly I can get a million opinions and which will help me make a decision, but it’s often not the majority opinion and does come back around to what I may want. Like, I need to exclude options for various reasons to narrow it down. If there’s one thing I like, but it doesn’t seem popular, but I’m still drawn to it despite it not being popular, that usually means to me, that I like it and that’s the option for me. Or if I really can’t make up my mind, any decision is better than no decision and I might as well go with the majority opinion.

Often though, I do things because I know other people will like them despite not having the time for my own stuff, resources, or whatever. I put my hopes into making someone else happy, and even if they are, I’m left with something of an empty victory because I’ve reached my goal, but there’s really no personal satisfaction.
Looking for approval from outside. Instead of being able to accept me and my abilities I often find myself looking for outside validation. This can have either/or/both the same reactions as asking for opinions. It’s really just an extension of that b/c it’s asking for opinions on me and my abilities. I can either go with it, rail against it, or flounder somewhere in indecision. No matter which way the thing to remember is that the only truly important opinion is our own. We need to develop the ability to like who we are on our own.

Basically, self-sabotage is like a game of mental tug-of-war.  It is the conscious mind versus the subconscious mind where the subconscious mind eventually wins.  Welcome to Thunder Dome. Two Consciousness Enter, One Consciousness Leaves! The conscious mind can carry out actions and work toward a goal, but it will not be long before the subconscious mind reveals the true feelings and beliefs and takes control over actions.  The key to eliminating self-sabotage is making sure that your conscious and subconscious mind are in harmony.  This is much easier said than done, and I don’t have any failsafe advice on this. It helps me to write down positive affirmations and keep them with me though. Since I have such a hard time internalizing things, having something that I can reference whenever I need to is very helpful.

For someone with a Borderline Personality Disorder these successes are often in the ability to maintain healthy, functional relationships. They are absolutely not limited to this though. Obviously.  




Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Enter the Asylum

It feels so dramatic when I say it that way.

I've been contemplating the idea of developing a sister blog to this one for a while now. Well. I did it. Basically it's going to be a mash of all the rest of the elements of my life that don't necessarily have to do with BPD. I swear, there is more to my life than just my BPD. A lot more. I feel guilty talking about it here though, so I'm making a new blog where I'll jabber on about all things random and pointed. Food, crafts, geekery, Star Wars (yes this needs it's own seperate geekery designation), costuming, love, life, madness... I probably won't be quite so vigilant with that one as Beyond the Borderline Personality is my priority, but I thought it would be fun to show all the other wacky, random and crazy things I get up to. So come join me at:

Asylum: inviolable Haven


See you there. and here.


Oh! And this marks my 201st post! Hit the 200 post milestone today =)



This Moment of Clarity

Yeah, I was sitting here, eating my muffin and drinking my coffee, when I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity.” ~Pulp Fiction


Moments Of Clarity - Moments of Clarity are spontaneous, temporary periods when a person with a personality disorder is able to see beyond their own world view and can, for a brief period, understand, acknowledge, articulate and begin to make amends for their dysfunctional behavior.

Moments of clarity can be extremely gratifying for both people with a Borderline Personality Disorder (or any PD) and those involved with someone with BPD.  On the one hand, they may be hearing, saying, or feeling, for the first time, the very healing words and thoughts they have longed to for years. On the other hand, a sudden, unexpected change of heart, even in the right direction, can be disconcerting to a Non-BPD sufferer. There is inevitably the question of whether the change is genuine, permanent and without strings attached. The problem is, we really can’t know. And it’s not by some calculated intention to mislead. It’s simply because controlling our thoughts is arguably one of the most difficult things for us to do. While we may have something of an epiphany, holding onto these thoughts, internalizing these thoughts, not getting swept up in the maelstrom that can overshadow these moments is like trying to ride a tidal wave of turmoil that threatens to push us down and wash us over. I can’t internalize things long enough for them to not be drowned out. I mentioned this a little in my post on ANTs. I read something; hear something that is seemingly steeped in wisdom that I should be able to internalize. I’m not really sure why I have such a hard time internalizing. I suspect it has a lot to do with my lack of object constancy/permanence.  I have a hard time holding onto my feelings, my sense of belonging, my attachments for people if they’re not in my immediate vicinity. If they’re out of my sight, it’s like they’re no longer a part of my life, I’m no longer a part of theirs… and I think this extends to things in general. If my focus isn’t on something it’s as if it’s no longer a part of me.  I can recall the words, it’s not like amnesia or anything. It’s a sense of detachment or dissociation from the substance and meaning of it all. I can’t remember the letters but I can’t hold onto the sentiment in the words I want to believe.
These moments tend to be very emotional times for everyone involved. My biggest, was after I got out of the Psych ER and realized the way I live with my borderline disorder is absolutely not acceptable and that I needed to make a change. This experience impacted me enough that I was able to internalize the magnitude of this moment. Unfortunately this is not always the case. I read a lot. Almost constantly when I can. I often read words of wisdom, analysis, self-actualization and think to myself, “THIS! This is exactly what I need. This is how I want to be. This is the perspective I’ve been looking for. This is where I want my life to go and this is how I can do it”.  These moments rarely stick for long. I can read something, have a sense of calm and peace wash over me, and then 10 minutes later I’m swept off into whatever it was I was doing before or that has since distracted my attention from my epiphany. Maybe I just have a poor attention span for such things. I obviously have a poor emotional attention span, but that’s the nature of BPD.
It’s important to keep in mind that while these moments of clarity do provide a welcomed respite from the cycles of turbulence they are still subject to the nature of the Borderline. It’s not that you shouldn’t get your hopes up when a moment of clarity is experienced. They are really good indicators that someone with BPD is open and receptive to better ways of living. However it is important to remember that personality disorders are true mental health conditions over which the sufferer does not have complete control. Many of these moments of clarity are honest sincere attempts by an individual to try to reach a better place. However, it is very difficult to recover from a personality disorder and many do not make it. Most likely there will be setbacks, but each moment of clarity is a good indicator that more will come, even if they are small, and that progress for recovery will continue in a beneficial direction.  It’s important to be supportive or receive support and validation during these times to reinforce and embrace this positive change.
Because having one of these...




Can make you feel like this....




(I'm apparently feeling musical today)



Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Oxytocin and Borderline Personality Disorder

I saw this very recent article on the effects of Oxytocin and Borderline Personality Disorder and thought I would share. My immediate thought was, they are doing some wild things to study BPD, however this still means, they're doing things to study BPD.

Oxytocin and Borderline Personality Disorder

 
Often referred to as the "love drug" or "love hormone", oxytocin has attracted increasing interest from researchers in recent years. It was originally shown to modulate aspects of social attachment and pair bonding in animals such as the female prairie vole, whose monogamous nature is dependent on oxytocin. Recent research in humans has shown that oxytocin increases trust behavior in economic exchanges and increases perception of trustworthiness in human faces, as well as promoting emotion recognition and altruism. This evidence inspired hopes among some, particularly in the mainstream media, that science might have found a possible pharmacological target for humans who show deficits in prosocial behavior.
But recent evidence has complicated the narrative a bit.

Research has shown that oxytocin plays a role in increased emotional reactivity to both positive and negative social cues. For example, one study from 2009 (Shamay-Tsoory et al) had participants engage in a game of chance with another player (the actor). In one condition, the actor was made to win more than the participant, evoking feelings of envy in the participant. In another condition, the actor was made to lose more than the participant, evoking feelings of "schaudenfrude" or gloating. Participants who were administered oxytocin before playing showed increases in both envy and schaudenfrude (if oxytocin was involved only in enhancing prosocial behavior, we would expect to see the opposite result.) Other research has shown oxytocin increased approach behavior or affiliative drive rather than regulating positive or negative responding per se. And one recent study showed that oxycotin led humans to self-sacrifice for their own group while showing increased aggression toward out-group members. The gist of this set of findings is that oxytocin doesn't seem to bias individuals toward the positive, but rather can magnify whatever "stimuli" happens to be in someone's attentional spotlight, be it bad or good, thereby generating an increase in corresponding positive or negative emotional responses.

Jennifer Bartz and colleagues (2010) were curious to explore whether oxytocin could "correct" deficits in pro-social behavior in individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD), a population famous for emotional instability, extreme impulsive behavior and identity confusion. People with BPD tend to be involved in intense, emotionally volatile relationships characterized by frequent arguing, repeated breakups and extreme aggression. This behavior often extends beyond their romantic relationships, as BPD individuals have also been shown to have difficulty cooperating with strangers. The existing body of research, Bartz et al suggested, offers up contrary predictions. On the one hand, oxytocin could be helpful in reducing the negative behaviors normally associated with BPD in favor of kinder, gentler behavior towards others. Alternatively, oxytocin might have increasingly negative effects for people with BPD, who are chronically concerned with (lack of) trust and abandonment and have difficulty cooperating with others. They're essentially fixed in a constitutively negative state when it comes to social interactions and increased oxytocin could decrease prosocial behavior even further. Additionally (or alternatively), the oxytocin system might be dysregulated in BPD and could produce different responses (vs. control) to oxytocin as a result.

Bartz and company designed an experiment in which the participant was paired with a partner (in reality, a virtual "computer" partner) to engage in an economic game. In this game, the participant was to make one of two choices that involved financial rewards. The catch was that the amount of the reward was also dependent upon the choice that their "partner" made.



Both players clearly make the most money if they both choose strategy A. But because the player has to make the choice before the partner, the decision involves an element of trust (if your partner defects, you get nothing. If your partner trusts you and you defect, you get $4 and she gets nothing.)

So, what did they find?

Results showed the following:

1. BPD people trusted their partners in an economic game less after they received oxycotin than when they received a placebo.

2. Additionally, when asked if they would be more likely to make a hypothetical decision that would punish their partner, even when they knew their partner had extended trust toward them, they were more likely to punish after Oxytocin than placebo.

Administration of oxytocin to BPD individuals actually decreased pro-social behavior (and increased antisocial behavior). As the experimenters suggest, increasing the salience of a social cue that makes trust issues salient may have caused BPD participants to rely on their normal strategy for trust-dependent social interactions; that is, defect and punish the partner. Or it might have motivated approach/affiliative behaviors which triggered memory of past experiences gone awry and set off chronic and ever-present concerns about trust and rejection (e.g. "reject and punish them before they can do the same to me."). Finally, the experimenters suggest the possibility that the oxytocin system itself may be dysregulated.

In short, the evidence doesn't offer overwhelming support for the notion that exogenously-administered oxytocin will be a useful clinical treatment for people with pro-social deficits, such as those with BPD. Additionally, it's difficult to imagine long-term benefits of oxytocin given that it's half life when administered intranasally is only about three minutes. It's been said that the most of the real action with regards to oxytocin is on the receptor end.

--------------------

Something to think about for sure. Drugs have unpredictable side effects to begin with but couple this with the chemistry of someone that is already outside of normal reactivity? I’m almost surprised they thought this would help. It increases mood. People with BPD don’t have normal moods, by definition.
People with borderline aren’t only aggressive and disruptive. Our moods run the gamut of angry to ecstatic, albeit more rapidly and more intensely than normal. So by extension I would expect that not only would it heighten the good moods, but also the rest of our reactive moods.

Oxytocin, like any drug, works differently for different people, and in the best of cases elevates a good mood. To me this makes me wonder if ideas of trust, paranoia are linked to the same emotional receptors. It seems that the study did indicate that moods were elevated but these other aspects were impacted differently than in a neuro-typical brain. Perhaps this points to a different area of the affected borderline brain to be taken into consideration for synapses connections.
Moral of the story: Drugs are bad kids…. And apparently don’t mix well with personality disorders.  



Sunday, June 19, 2011

Memoirs on a Sunday: Ease of Sex, Not Hiding Scars, and Father's Day


This weekend hasn’t been traumatic at all and yet, today was a disaster.

This morning I wrote:

I’ve utterly failed at not drinking… however it’s been very reasonable; 2 glasses of wine Friday, a few with the Lady Friend on Saturday. I’m not drinking today. Not even a sip. It’s a new day, and I’ll just start fresh now.

I’m actually very proud of myself. The loneliness, being alone, hasn’t been so terrible. Friday night I stayed in; Roommate was gone, didn’t go to Friends. I stayed home by myself and painted. I did have 2 glasses of wine over the course of the evening but I don’t think that’s too bad at all. The only think I continuously note is I have bedtime anxiety. I can be absolutely exhausted but the idea of turning of all the lights and crawling into bed alone gnaws at the inside of my stomach. This is relatively new in the past few months.

Yesterday I spent the day with Lady Friend. She came over and we hung out doing crafty type stuff. I organized my beads. I have so many kinds. I love to organize and sort. It feels nice and neat, catalogued and controlled. I preceded to piece together the period appropriate style of women’s fashion in 7th/8th century Viking society. I have a huge costuming event in August and I’m changing my pre-Industrial persona from fully Middle Eastern to Viking. I’ll do Middle Eastern (dancer) at night, but during the day I’m going back to my blood roots and switching to a Norse persona. After figuring out the logistics, sewing, altering, sewing… I have a perfectly accurate sack dress, haha. I made some gemstone bead lines as well. They’re the few kinds of decorations and symbols of status women wear.

Afterwards, we went out to dinner which was really nice. I don’t like how she stares at me. It makes me just a little uncomfortable and I feign modesty just to look away. She’s so super sweet though. Our waitress obviously found us super cute which I in turn thought was super cute. Super. Everything was super.
Back to my place for more craftiness. I painted. Finished a wild Caterpillar ala Alice picture. Quick and crazy inspired from watching the movie (Tim Burton shouldn’t be given free reign of movies anymore).


Things are moving rather slow sexually. This makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do when people aren’t constantly trying to jump me. I know she likes me. This isn’t a question. It makes me nervous when I need to fill the silence with actual words that aren’t so easily distracting from me. I’m forced to let her get to know me instead of redirecting her eye to other things. Maybe this is normal? Or healthy? Not jumping into bed? Not constantly using sex as a distraction?  
 I don’t know how to handle this. It’s so much easier to have sex then it is to continuously think of things to say. It’s less invasive, less intrusive. I know what I’m doing in bed. That rarely gets me in trouble. The things that come out of my mouth however, and I’m not talking about my tongue here….

…talking about Talking. That’s where things go wrong. At dinner I did mention that I was on Abilify, that I struggle with depression and some stuff. She was receptive and very understanding. Not concerned with it at all. I think this is the approach I’ll be taking. Bring up bits and pieces one thing at a time. See how she responds and gauge her reactions before I drop something new on her…

One thing I’m rather curious about. She hasn’t mentioned my scars. At all. Every person I’ve ever dated notices, and mentions them almost instantly (within the first few dates). She hasn’t said anything at all. Maybe she’s respecting the fact that this is my business and is allowing me to let her know when I feel ready to? I’m just trying to figure this out. I’m never averse to talking about them. I don’t draw attention to them, but I don’t try to hide them either. They’re really just more modifications at this point. Still. It’s interesting to me.

Back to sex. Guys are so much easier in some respects. I can throw sex at them and they won’t think twice about it. The women I date, it’s not that they’re not interested in sex, they certainly are, but there’s more of an emphasis on interest in me. That’s it I suppose. I still don’t want to let her in. Not ready to be too close. Guys I can stick to surface speak keeping conversation witty and light and when things get a little too sticky for my tastes… well, turning the tables on the evenings events is not incredibly difficult to do. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to be me. I can just feel and lose myself in the moment… if I like them. Sometimes it’s really just a way to get people to shut up and make the time move forward, to do something besides feign interest in the words coming out of their mouths.

After she left I binged again. I was a little hungry, but I just can’t seem to stop at a reasonable amount of food. I ate all my leftovers from dinner, then freaked out that I’d eaten so much so late, but it wasn’t enough to easily get rid of, so I prepared a full binge that was easier to deal with. I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know why I can’t just go to bed, except after she left I had that little bedtime anxiety and I didn’t want to go lie down alone. I’d thought about asking her to stay. We were falling asleep together on the couch as is, but… idk. I’m not there yet. Too close, not too close, too close, not too close. There’s too much content in lesbian relationships. Men are easier for me. Men are just easier. Heh, sorry. I suppose I shouldn’t make that statement, but when it comes to me and dating, they’re easier to maneuver around. I can hold back, but appear to draw them closer. Preserving myself and not pushing them away too fast by appearing to draw them in closer. Heh. With Lady Friend, it’s almost entirely balanced. She’s less easily distracted, just happy to be in my company, not pushing me for more, not forcing my {nonexistent} boundaries. It’s strange. Learning to just, be. To sit, and be, in comfort. Not needing the next moment to be something other than it is. I’m not sure I know how to do this.  Time. Give it time I guess.

It’s now Sunday evening: I broke my resolve to not drink. Not a lot, just a couple glasses of wine. Then I coupled it with an all out binge/purge. I’ve been alone all day. It’s been a beautiful day. I’ve been creatively productive, but, alone. I just don’t understand why this is so hard! There’s no reason for it. I’m so incredibly frustrated. Woke up, too low energy to really work out. Did a nice painting, did some grocery shopping, sewed 3 Viking apron dresses, redid my gemstone bead drops… and I can’t shake this tension under my skin that makes me want to, want to, I don’t even know. All I know is that how I feel right now is unsettled and unhappy. After my binge I went to the craft store, just got a couple strands of beads, had a cigarette, calmed down and returned to my crafting projects. Forcing myself to concentrate on something else makes the time fly faster and I can slow the spinning thoughts down.


And to wrap it up. I have a family. It’s father’s day so I actually called mine. He’s pretty proud that I’ve been painting. Amidst the critiques he even said that what I’ve shown him so far is really great. Mixed bag sorta praise, but I’ll take it. I can do better, I have more to learn, but hey, a lot of people never learn to 
even draw stick figures (yeah he said that)… and I’m doing a really good job.

Learning how to draw trees



Finally, I miss my sister. A lot. I got a drunken text from her earlier… “I’m going to bed. But I’m also a little drunk and I miss you. Lately I have felt like I’m always going to be too short to ride the big kid roller coaster. And I would prefer to feel this way with you here because you know how to handle me. And that makes me miss you.” If you’ll remember my sister is bipolar so she's all over the place like me too, but different. She stresses a lot about stuff, work, school etc. She's smart it just takes her a little more effort to process school material, hence stress. She’s back in school and doing a really amazing job getting on track with what she wants to do (work with the deaf community). I’m so proud of her. Of all the things I dislike most about living in NY, it’s that my sister is 500 miles away =( It’s so rough some days. Especially on bad days, for both of us. No one has ever had the ability to reign in my moods and keep me in a calmer place than her and likewise for her, I just KNOW her so I know what helps. It makes me sad that I can’t be there for her when she needs me. I love my sister. I wish I could hang up my life here and go home to her sometimes. Can’t. My life is here now. For now. And I have to get up for work in the morning. G’night.   


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...