Friday, January 6, 2012

Lucid Analysis - Trials in Therapy: A Disorder of Relationships




It’s been nearly 3 weeks since my last appointment due to the holidays/vacation. I discovered something. I don’t like not being able to go to therapy. I was unexpectedly relieved to sit down across from Therapist last night. We had a lot of catching up to do.
Sadistic little bastard
I told her about my trip home to see the family for Christmas. I told her I almost didn’t go but my family guilted me into it. I told her about the stress that built up to it, including my continuing estrangement from Friend and my recent pregnancy scare. Oops, I think I forgot to mention that. I was 2.5 weeks late. That may have contributed to my freaking out about Tech Boy. Skipping periods isn’t unusual for me but when you’re in a lesbian relationship the causes (generally too much stress and/or low body fat) don’t produce the same potential worries as screwing a guy (baby positive). Needless to say, not being preggo is a huge relief.  No, I didn’t tell him. I’m fixing this today. Hello back on the birth control.
Tech Boy and I actually discussed this last Friday which leads me to the definite conclusion that he is thinking at least a little ways down the line. Yeah, yeah, I’m still with him. I’m seriously addicted to physical contact. Beyond reason I would do just about anything to have someone to wake up next to. He FEELS wonderful. Things have taken a turn for the better it seems. Last Friday amongst the beer and UFC matches we had quite a few serious conversations (which he initiated). Amongst them he told me about wanting to have kids someday (but not right now!). I yell a lot about hating kids (which is true 99% of the time), but the truth is that I’m afraid to invest my hope in things like kids and marriage, and my decision to have kids is dependent on my partner (being able to overcome my laundry list of reasons not to).  I will not be a single parent and I don’t believe I will find someone that will stay with me long enough for marriage. We talked about me going back on birth control, {lack of} STDs, dating other people… in terms of not having to worry about him doing this. He seemed quite adamant that I had nothing to worry about in regards to him seeing other girls. This was in response to me saying I didn’t care, I just want to be informed because I can’t control where other people have been and I don’t want to catch anything. I wasn’t pushing him for monogamy or anything, but he just shook his head and told me over and over that it wasn’t on his agenda. I don’t know what this means in terms of our “hanging out” status. The conversation evolved to a place that sounded very much like he was happy to see where things were going with our relationship, wasn’t necessarily into labels, but had no intentions of putting on the brakes. Idk. He may also have told me he loved me. And by ‘may’, I mean, he did, but I think it was not really romantic, and more “I can’t believe you like all this stuff and are awesome I love you”. I had a snap reaction where I responded with “No, you don’t, haha, but you’re cute”.
Do I have any male Readers out there that can interpret that one for me?
He does have a way of just staring into my eyes though and kissing my shoulders when I’m pressed against him. ::sigh:: Look at me getting all sappy. Then again, he also didn’t text me at midnight on New Years Eve or even the next day. Mixed signals much?
Friend. A couple weeks back I got really drunk and finally wrote the letter to Friend that Therapist has been trying to get me to write for weeks. It’s angry, poignant, a little vicious, but also very true and succinctly informative about how our relationship has been hurting me over the past year+ . Therapist was very, very proud of me. Writing out my feelings and thoughts is so important to getting control of how I feel and staying connected to my emotions. It’s been 3 weeks since I got in a fight with Friend and stopped talking to him (except for a few short text conversations/e-mail). I really needed to talk Therapist to help me decide if I should tell him all of this. I just didn’t feel like this was a decision I could make on my own. She was impressed with my ability to resist the impulse to send the unedited letter to him when I wrote it. Believe me, being drunk and as impulsive as I am, I was one tiny split click away from it. I held it together.  I’m going to clean up the letter, take out some of the more petty insults, and send it to him. Therapist reminded me that it is very important to express my anger in constructive and productive ways, like this letter. If I intend to continue a friendship with Friend than I need to release the anger that’s building to resent him. If I can’t let go of this, then there is little hope that we can remain friends. I know he misses me, but frankly, I don’t miss him. I honestly feel nothing. Not a thing. I have no emotions at all in regards to him. He’s a familiar name in my memory with no emotional attachment; a disembodied character floating through my mind.

I stayed home for New Years. I could have gone to a party at Club Boi’s house where Friend and his wife would have been, but I didn’t feel like having an evening of forced smiles and awkward conversation. I knew I would end up being miserable and uncomfortable the whole time so finally I made the decision to stay in (not that I couldn’t have gone to other parties but going places without a date leads to me fending off drunken assholes all night – no thanks). Therapist was VERY proud of me for this as well. At this time last year I was at that party, pretending to be happy, smiling, trying not to let anyone see how much Friend and his wife were destroying me. He wanted me to be there so of course I would be there, I would do anything he wanted, just to see him and spend time with him; no matter how much it was breaking my heart. That I made a different decision this year is major progress.  
Time to let go.
GF is coming over tonight. She wants to watch movies and “cuddle”. Therapist thinks it’s important for me to remain monogamous with Tech Boy, especially as it appears he has no intention of seeing anyone else. I have this sadistic voice in the back of my mind whispering that the reason he doesn’t want to give us a ‘label’ is because he wants a blurry line in case another girls happens into the picture when he’s out drunk with his buddies, but at the same time he doesn’t want me to see anyone else so he wants to plant the idea of exclusivity. < ---- This is what Evil-Ex would do. I know that’s not fair to him, but my trust issues are a bottomless well of suspicion and paranoia.

Therapist asked me if I liked him, maybe had love feelings for him. Truth is, I don’t feel much of anything for him, or anyone, if they’re not in my immediate vicinity (or in direct communication) most of the time.( Part of why I hold onto Friend so much is we’re ALWAYS in constant communication so I ALWAYS know he is there.) I have an extremely hard time holding onto my connection to people. When I’m with him, nothing else matters. When I’m not with him, I do wish I was, and I’m very disappointed when I can’t see him, but right now I still have armed guards patrolling my walls after the casino weekend. I'm also afraid of getting too attached. We’ll see.
I’m still reading the book therapist loaned me. She talked about how I needed to cultivate my inner child and the attachment to the Healthy Adult instead of just letting my Outer Child run rampant. Especially as my Outer Child and Tech Boy’s Outer Child seem to really enjoy each other’s company. The gambling, excessive drinking, reckless sex are all reactions of our Outer Children interacting and are not healthy. That we’re going out more (not only drinking), talking more, really getting to know each other she thinks is good. He may not be “the one”, but I’m starting to engage some healthier ideas. In theory. We haven’t indulged the gambling again, but we still drink a lot and sex has gotten even more reckless if anything. TMI? Nah. This ‘relationship’ doesn’t seem to be based solely on sex though.  There seems to be more of a balance. We’re spending time doing other things as well. This is where my paranoia kicks in again and tells me all these ‘other things’ are just space-time  fillers to keep my female sensibilities appeased so he can get what he wants from me physically. I test these things. I know it’s a manipulative thing to do but, I give him ‘outs’ and purposefully say things that relieve pressure of emotional attachment, that leave the opportunity for him to {try to} take advantage of the situation, but he doesn’t take the bait.
 I don’t know what to make of it.
Confused? Yeah, me too.

12 comments:

  1. Those are some crazy photos! I like the first one most! As for that maybe I love you. If it were me (and I'm sorry I'm not a dude offering insight) I wouldn't have taken it serious. I think you're "snap" reaction was perfectly fitting. I think if you're going to tell the lady you're with that you love her it should be obvious that's exactly what he means. He didn't make it obvious. Hell, I say I love you to my BFF with more commitment than that. Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh. I'm just giving my honest opinion. He may truly have meant (and probably did mean) to say that he loves you and just botched it up because he was nervous.

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  2. A Male Reader says: I agree with your interpretation, Haven. He *is* definitely into you, and is amazed that you share so many interests. But no, that's not an expression of romantic love IMO. When you mean it, it's obvious. Even to us on the Borderline.

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  3. What would you do if he did love you?! You don't want him to love you anways. I mean you do, but you don't :) Em

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  4. I'm with your therapist on this one. It very well seems you can take a small step further with him if you want to.

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  5. One more thing. I think you therapist is right: rush it, and it'll botch. Stall too much, and it'll fade.

    < ---- This is what Evil-Ex would do. I know that’s not fair to him, but my trust issues are a bottomless well of suspicion and paranoia.

    Treat him like a regular guy, not like Evil Ex. In other words, don't go armed to the teeth like open warfare. Just wear your all-purpose ol' lightweight kevlar vest. It might come the day when you can forfeit this one, too. This might be the first relationship you learn to fortfeit it. Who knows? Take it slow and take it sure, and you might see.

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  6. This is all so nice to hear. Pacing attachment is very important for me. I am with you and Amoral and your therapist.

    Haven, how nice!

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  7. I really love your blog. So much of this resonates with me.

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  8. @Amoral ... I'm very much trying to not hold him to the actions of the men I've had in my life prior to him. It's hard to not be a little weary though. Idk, I thought my relationship with Friend was the one where I began to let down my walls. I did let down my walls, and it managed to crush me. It's so very hard.

    @Bella...Thanks!

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  9. @NellieVaughn .... Thank you! And welcome =) I"m glad to have you.

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  10. A guy.... Is saying to you, "I love you" like rolling a dice? As in, what is the reaction I'll get this time?
    "No you don't", is BS. Instead, some version of, "What should I I I I think of that?" would be real.
    OK that last comment on baiting gets to me. My daughter is so BPD that she doesn't do much else. How about this reality check? Draw a picture of the "evil ex" and hang it on new boy so you can talk to the evil ex and see how you are not really there in the room with new boy.

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  11. My reaction was real. I don't believe he loves me. Not like that. I don't believe anyone loves me like that.

    And I may be baiting, but I'm at least not picking fights. And frankly, I'm allowing for him to not feel pressured emotionally by me. No man likes this. If I was more straight forward it'd chase him away and he'd think I was clingy.

    I know my new guy isn't my Evil-Ex, but when you've been abused so badly it's not possible to forget the trauma you've suffered and be on the look out for signs that something like that could happen again. Just because I'm Borderline, doesn't mean I deserved the abuse I suffered, or that I shouldn't be cautious in future relationships.

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  12. If family trauma and Evil Ex's abuse are the great sources of your defense mechanisms, you can try to compatmentalize them. When you're with Tech Boy, take a second with yourself and literally think "this is not Evil Ex. This is also not childhood experience".

    What this means is that you don't need to expect a torturing chamber on his basement. Can he dissapoint you? Yes. Can he hurt you eventually? Yes. The important thing is that you're trying to feel this expectancy in new shoes. You're casting away ghosts from the past that are lingering and haunting every new experience with old, antiquated feelings. They are being cast away and you are being given the opportunity to freshness. Good and bad. But in new terms.

    You're more mature now than you were on previous accounts. You have plenty of life experiences to draw new conclusions from. They will help you facing life in a new way.

    Hope this helps.

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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