As you may know if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, I didn’t have therapy last night. Friday is usually when I do my Lucid Analysis – Trials in Therapy series and talk about what I did in therapy the night before, but well, Therapist is sick so she cancelled all her appointments.
This sucks. First of all, I immediately have thoughts of: Does she just not want to deal with me today? Maybe she’s disappointed because I’m depressed all the time and she doesn’t want to put up with me complaining. Second, it sucks because I think I’m finally starting to rely on her. One of the problems Borderlines often have is the inability to connect to their therapist. I have a problem connecting to anybody, so that I’m finally starting to look forward to therapy BECAUSE I want Therapists opinion and support (after a year!) is kind of a big deal for me. I often look forward to therapy just because being able to vent to an objective source really does help relieve the tension and pent up frustration I often feel. It allows me to unburden myself, even if it’s just to some small degree. I don’t usually go feeling a specific need for Therapists opinion on things. That’s been changing. She’s so patient with me.
Last night I wanted to talk about Friend. He finally wrote me back. As I suspected he was very gentle with my feelings and does want to work things out. However he misconstrued some things I said, which is partially my own fault for writing while emotionally fueled. So I need to clarify some stuff. I needed Therapists opinion on how to go about doing this. Our bullshit aside, he also wants me to sit down with his wife and “heal” my relationship with her. What he doesn’t understand is that I do not have a real relationship with her. I never have. There was a point where I tried to be friends with her. Even when this was occurring we never had any natural closeness or true interest between us. Despite the warnings of everyone around me I placed some trust in her… and she threw it back in my face and used it against me to victimize me emotionally. All that accomplished was to piss me off and gain her solid black split and complete devaluation. I remember the exact conversation, date, and feeling when it happened. My ability to see her otherwise has not wavered since. And won’t.
Friend on the other hand, I had a very long emotionally intimate and close relationship with. I idealized him to the point where I was absolutely falling in love with him before my first major devaluation of him. This makes things with him vastly, vastly different. There was a connection. Especially for someone like me, who has very definite problems with object constancy, actually feeling a connection is a big deal. I no longer feel a connection. Right now because we’ve barely spoken in over a month he’s barely a snapshot in my mind, but he’s there. His wife is like, an annotation, a side note pinned up next to his picture. I know she’s there, but it really makes no difference to me at all. I can feel nothing for her existence (other than the occasion anger and disgust – which more often than not is really just neutral acceptance of her presence).
Even if I wanted to “heal” things with her, I couldn’t. She’s a place holder in my mind. Not only that, but even when I was still trying to be friends with her, I observed her. I saw how she treated Friend, I saw how she treated the people around her that she considers friends, I saw how she gossips, instigates drama, and then cries victim when people call her on her bullshit. She has no integrity. She treats people very, very poorly. That’s not the kind of person I will ever willingly choose to have closet to me.
I don’t know if I should try to explain to Friend my psychological hang ups which would highlight my BPD and Dissociative conditions (which he is fully aware of, but obviously doesn’t really get). Or just tell him that she’s not the kind of person that I will ever choose to be close to and all I can offer is to keep an open mind going into the future (which unfortunately will be something of a lie because I can’t change how I feel about her) and will continue to maintain a neutral attitude towards her.
With Friend the thought of losing him is very scary to me. I will verge on panic and tears, and then, shut off. It’s very confusing because I feel little to no connection to him now. Yet I have these disembodied emotions that seem unconnected to an actual person. It’s an experience I’m having a very hard time reconciling. Cognitively I know what was once there though so there is still the potential for value. I think. Sometimes. When I can care. Because frankly, sometimes I feel like I could just walk off into the sunset forever and my life wouldn’t be any different. His wife, on the other hand, holds no potential value to me. Period.
I can be neutral towards her, but he needs to understand that my appreciation of him is not dependent on his marriage. I can be friends with someone, and not friends with their significant other. If he can’t accept this, than I think our friendship is over. So that’s that.
That’s what I WOULD HAVE talked about in therapy if I had therapy, but I didn’t. So now I’m just gonna stumble around and hope that I’m not screwing myself over since I have no guidance. My first letter was definitely a lot impulsive as I wrote it pretty drunk. At least I waited til I was sober enough to edit it a bit before sending. This response is a more cogent view of my current thoughts.
Hm. What else?
Tech Boy? Anyone interested? We’re still doing what we’re doing. I'm not sure how things are with us. I'm so, overly fucking cautious, that I can't attach in any way unless he's almost literally right on top of me. It's pretty maddening. I'll see him at work every day, he'll meet my eyes and smile extra wide or swing by my office to say hi and see if I'm coming down for break, but because I can't feel an attachment I second guess every second we're not speaking and wonder if he's actually into me, just pretending to be b/c we work together, or I don't even know what. Little paranoid. But when we do hang out just the two of us it's like fucking fireworks. It's not easy. Especially when all the while I look like nothing bothers me and I'm completely outwardly confident.
Lately I’ve been having small bouts of emotion, that quickly shut down. I don’t like this. It’s exactly opposite of what Therapist wants me to do. She wants me to let myself feel these things. What she says makes a lot of sense. The logic behind it all (which I even blog about) makes a lot of sense. In practice it’s not as easy to do as it seems. Open up. Let yourself feel. It’s not the same as opening a door or a window. There’s some weird combination lock and a bunch of laser sensors I need to maneuver first. While blindfolded. Groping around in the dark. ::sigh::