Friday, January 27, 2012

No Trials in Therapy Today

As you may know if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, I didn’t have therapy last night. Friday is usually when I do my Lucid Analysis – Trials in Therapy series and talk about what I did in therapy the night before, but well, Therapist is sick so she cancelled all her appointments.
This sucks. First of all, I immediately have thoughts of: Does she just not want to deal with me today? Maybe she’s disappointed because I’m depressed all the time and she doesn’t want to put up with me complaining.  Second, it sucks because I think I’m finally starting to rely on her. One of the problems Borderlines often have is the inability to connect to their therapist. I have a problem connecting to anybody, so that I’m finally starting to look forward to therapy BECAUSE I want Therapists opinion and support (after a year!) is kind of a big deal for me. I often look forward to therapy just because being able to vent to an objective source really does help relieve the tension and pent up frustration I often feel. It allows me to unburden myself, even if it’s just to some small degree. I don’t usually go feeling a specific need for Therapists opinion on things. That’s been changing. She’s so patient with me.
Last night I wanted to talk about Friend. He finally wrote me back. As I suspected he was very gentle with my feelings and does want to work things out. However he misconstrued some things I said, which is partially my own fault for writing while emotionally fueled. So I need to clarify some stuff. I needed Therapists opinion on how to go about doing this. Our bullshit aside, he also wants me to sit down with his wife and “heal” my relationship with her. What he doesn’t understand is that I do not have a real relationship with her. I never have. There was a point where I tried to be friends with her. Even when this was occurring we never had any natural closeness or true interest between us. Despite the warnings of everyone around me I placed some trust in her… and she threw it back in my face and used it against me to victimize me emotionally. All that accomplished was to piss me off and gain her solid black split and complete devaluation. I remember the exact conversation, date, and feeling when it happened. My ability to see her otherwise has not wavered since. And won’t.
Friend on the other hand, I had a very long emotionally intimate and close relationship with. I idealized him to the point where I was absolutely falling in love with him before my first major devaluation of him. This makes things with him vastly, vastly different. There was a connection. Especially for someone like me, who has very definite problems with object constancy, actually feeling a connection is a big deal. I no longer feel a connection. Right now because we’ve barely spoken in over a month he’s barely a snapshot in my mind, but he’s there. His wife is like, an annotation, a side note pinned up next to his picture. I know she’s there, but it really makes no difference to me at all. I can feel nothing for her existence (other than the occasion anger and disgust – which more often than not is really just neutral acceptance of her presence).
Even if I wanted to “heal” things with her, I couldn’t. She’s a place holder in my mind. Not only that, but even when I was still trying to be friends with her, I observed her. I saw how she treated Friend, I saw how she treated the people around her that she considers friends, I saw how she gossips, instigates drama, and then cries victim when people call her on her bullshit. She has no integrity. She treats people very, very poorly. That’s not the kind of person I will ever willingly choose to have closet to me.
I don’t know if I should try to explain to Friend my psychological hang ups which would highlight my BPD and Dissociative conditions (which he is fully aware of, but obviously doesn’t really get). Or just tell him that she’s not the kind of person that I will ever choose to be close to and all I can offer is to keep an open mind going into the future (which unfortunately will be something of a lie because I can’t change how I feel about her) and will continue to maintain a neutral attitude towards her.
With Friend the thought of losing him is very scary to me. I will verge on panic and tears, and then, shut off. It’s very confusing because I feel little to no connection to him now. Yet I have these disembodied emotions that seem unconnected to an actual person. It’s an experience I’m having a very hard time reconciling. Cognitively I know what was once there though so there is still the potential for value. I think. Sometimes. When I can care. Because frankly, sometimes I feel like I could just walk off into the sunset forever and my life wouldn’t be any different. His wife, on the other hand, holds no potential value to me. Period.
I can be neutral towards her, but he needs to understand that my appreciation of him is not dependent on his marriage. I can be friends with someone, and not friends with their significant other. If he can’t accept this, than I think our friendship is over. So that’s that.
That’s what I WOULD HAVE talked about in therapy if I had therapy, but I didn’t. So now I’m just gonna stumble around and hope that I’m not screwing myself over since I have no guidance. My first letter was definitely a lot impulsive as I wrote it pretty drunk. At least I waited til I was sober enough to edit it a bit before sending. This response is a more cogent view of  my current thoughts.
Oh well, at least I’m saying things that need to be said.
Hm. What else?
Tech Boy? Anyone interested? We’re still doing what we’re doing. I'm not sure how things are with us. I'm so, overly fucking cautious, that I can't attach in any way unless he's almost literally right on top of me. It's pretty maddening. I'll see him at work every day, he'll meet my eyes and smile extra wide or swing by my office to say hi and see if I'm coming down for break, but because I can't feel an attachment I second guess every second we're not speaking and wonder if he's actually into me, just pretending to be b/c we work together, or I don't even know what. Little paranoid. But when we do hang out just the two of us it's like fucking fireworks. It's not easy. Especially when all the while I look like nothing bothers me and I'm completely outwardly confident.
Lately I’ve been having small bouts of emotion, that quickly shut down. I don’t like this. It’s exactly opposite of what Therapist wants me to do. She wants me to let myself feel these things. What she says makes a lot of sense. The logic behind it all (which I even blog about) makes a lot of sense. In practice it’s not as easy to do as it seems. Open up. Let yourself feel. It’s not the same as opening a door or a window. There’s some weird combination lock and a bunch of laser sensors I need to maneuver first. While blindfolded. Groping around in the dark. ::sigh::

17 comments:

  1. Some people just aren't going to connect. period. he needs to understand that. you can be civil, but connections just don't "happen."

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    1. Yeah. I'm trying to explain in a very civil way that there just isn't a workable chemistry there. It's rough.

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    2. Seems like since you know there's no long term potential there, you are not connecting because you are protecting yourself. This is reasonable. You will decide if you're going to ride it out and enjoy it for what it is, or if you're gonna hop off the merrygoround.

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  2. Amen. I feel for you, I hope that you and he can compromise and save the friendship. Although as a general rule I'm a wife-hater. :/

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    1. I've never been a wife-hater. Just her. Because she's awful.

      Thanks. I hope we can work this out too.

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    2. Well, if she wants him all to herself, and she clearly has never been anywhere near ok with it (except maybe superficially), shes going to be trouble by definition. That ownership mentality comes with entitlement.

      Its why I dont think you can have true polyamory with a married couple. That contract implies ownership. What you get is either happy swingers or weird open arrangements allowing a partner to ethically have affairs. The partner having the affair may have real feelings for their other, but the spouse always gets veto power at the end of the day. Power. Which Ive seen used a couple of times to end my fun :(

      Its why I absolutely will not get involved with marrieds.

      Shes even continuing to weild her power with this need to kiss and make up. She wants you to know who is in control. He just wants shit to be good, which wont ever be unless he dumps the wife.

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    3. She was absolutely ok with the open relationship stuff.... when she was getting her own attention. They're relationship has been this way for 10 years now. She's just become so hideous as a person that no one else sees her as desirable.

      You're right thought. And it did come down to her having that veto power. Which she utilized without even considering that I was a person too and should at least be shown a little human decency in the process.

      Married couples = never again. I'm reconsidering my acceptance of polyamory in my life period. It's fine for other people, but it just ends up fucking with my hardcore.

      There will be no kiss and make up with her. There will be neutral acceptance at best.

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  3. I've been quietly reading your blog for months. I'm not BPD, but have had recent experience with a relationship torn apart by abandonment issues. When you talk about your connection to Friend it echoes the connection I have with my ex.

    "With Friend the thought of losing him is very scary to me" These words echo the way he and I still feel about each other. Connection, true, deep connection is VERY difficult to find even for those of us with undiagnosed issues. :)

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  4. I think it's important you be honest with him regarding his wife in that you have no interest in her and state the reason you did above "she did this which causes me to that" type thing... otherwise you're going to end up right back where you started with no changes.. you've opened this door and at the very least even though he may not fully see ...there is the chance to see..

    if he can be the friend you need that's fine.. but I see your relationship with Friend as extremely one sided and while I know you only online I feel very protective towards me so I really want to tell you to tell Friend to fuck off and walk into the sunset but I also know how much you care for him..so if you can find a balance where it's not all you giving and him taking the way it is now then that is great but don't give into his "demands"... you have the right to feel how you feel... and it's not wrong....

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    1. ::nods:: Yes, I ultimately came down on the side of explaining exactly how I felt. There just wouldn't be any point in opening up this emotional space if I was just going to plug it back up again with suppression.

      Our friendship isn't /completely/ one sided. We do have endless amazing conversations and creative ventures together. But yeah, in terms of being there and doing things for them, that's all me. There was a time when he was an emotional support to me, but that hasn't been for a long, long time.

      idk, i hope we can refind that balance. I'm just so tired of putting so much of myself into people that don't care nearly so much about me.

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  5. protective towards YOU not me wth!? I should never comment after taking my meds..

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    1. ::smiles:: I knew what you meant haha.

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  6. I am struck by the themes of attachment running through this post...finding your attachment to therapist growing. Struggling to create an attachment to tech boy that feels constant to you. And trying to heal your currently dissociated attachment with friend which still runs so deep you panic when you actually let yourself consider losing it. I wonder if you are shifting and displacing btwn all three to minimize your vulnerability with any one? Also its actually extremely common for people with bpd to attach quite fiercely to their therapist. chicadina

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    1. Attachment is a huge deal for me. I didn't even realize that was the existing theme in my post! But yes, you do seem to be very right. You make an interesting point about shifting and displacing between the 3 relationships. Definitely gives me something to consider.

      I agree also that it is extremely common for people with BPD to attach fiercly to their therapist. I actually started a post a while back (that I may eventually post) about this. I, however, have never had this intense attachment which has always struck me as odd when I hear about how strongly attached many with BPD do become.

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  7. Ah, I feel for you. I hate when my therapist cancels. It isn't often but it brings up abandonment every time. I fought my attachment to my therapist and then one day, bam! I am attached and its not going away anytime soon. If I knew then what I know now, I may not have entered into therapy but its too late for all of that thinking.

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    1. I used to not mind because it meant I could stay at the gym longer or do something more productive. Now though, I actually wanted to talk and needed to get things off my mind. I think my attachment has been slowly creeping up on me. It always takes some kind of upset for me to notice it though.

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    2. Haven sweet child,,the wife took conrol of the situation,,and she is punishing you,,because on some level she KNOWS Friends emotional attachment and connection to you.This is just as much about you and her as it is about you and him. Don't kid yourself.She interrupted the flow of joy between you,and is trying to dictate the nature of your interaction with him....while she 'innocently' rubs both your noses in it.Cut your losses babe.It's a bad situation.He wants you dangling,,otherwise you wouldnt be seeing his passive aggressive side.She wants you both dangling,,and it seems that she may just be holding the strings.Be brave,,walk away.If he manages to find his way back into your life,,let him do the work.Just another way of looking at it.xx

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