Friday, February 17, 2012

Inspiration: Guest Post


Trigger warning: Self harm, eating disorders


All my life I was a little overweight, but I was neverfat. I just let other people convince me that I was. All throughout elementary school I felt like an outcast. I felt like my classmates were judging me because I had a little extra meat on my bones. I felt like the fat girl. The ugly girl. The weird girl no one wanted to be friends with. I was extremely insecure with myself, so I started to bully other people to make them feel as low as I did. I thought that if I put myself above other people, then kids at school would start to like me, and I wouldn’t feel like an outcast anymore. But that idea came to an end as soon as eighth grade began.


Two boys harassed my relentlessly. They mooed when I walked by. They nicknamed me Mary Cowhar and Garbage Girl. They made sure that my life was a living hell. I let them convince me that I was worthless. I let them make me believe that I really was fat and disgusting; I let them make me hate myself.


When high school came around I decided I wasn’t going to be the fat girl anymore. I lost myself in a deep depression and an obsession with losing weight. I went on crazy crash diets, and started working out by myself every day. I had a rule that I could eat no more than 500 calories a day, and I couldn’t eat anything after 5:00. If I ate more than I allowed myself I would take laxatives to flush it all out. My grades started slipping because I just didn’t care. All I wanted was to be accepted. I didn’t want people to have a reason to make fun of me anymore. I wanted to be perfect.


I had tried self harming once or twice before high school, but during my freshman year it became one of my biggest vices. It became my release. My escape. Whenever I was angry, I would cut. Whenever I felt worthless, I would punish myself. Whenever I felt numb, I would beat emotion into me. I was so lost in my own depression and insanity that I had no concept of the world around me.


It wasn’t until a friend saw how much danger I was in did I started to get help. My friend referred me to a medical clinic in my school where I could get medical attention and talk with a social worker instead of taking my problems out on myself. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 14 and although I was never officially diagnosed, I was at severe risk of being hospitalized for anorexia.


I spent my sophomore and junior years in a blur. My therapy caused me to face some of the hardest criticism of my life, all from my biggest enemy, myself. I wanted to give up. I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I wanted to be happy, but I was scared of the journey I had to take to get there.


Last year, at my one of my lowest moments, I carved the word “Fuck” into my side. It’s one of the only highly visible scars I have left


Even though it was hard, it was all worth it. Because now, in my senior year, I can finally look in the mirror and feel confident. I am finally at peace with myself and who I want to be. I’ve only had two slip-ups with self harming since my “fuck” incident, and I have no intention of doing so in the future. I have reinvented myself. It was a long and emotionally draining battle, but I got through it. Even now every day is a struggle to stay positive and not let the negativity get to me, but I’m trying my best. Of course I have my days, but who doesn’t?


I want you all to know that no matter what anyone else says to you, all that matters is what you say to yourself. Look in the mirror every morning and say to yourself “I am beautiful.” Don’t let anyone control you like I did.



Be confident in who you are, and everything will fall into place.

13 comments:

  1. Im glad she's doing so much better now :) Hope she stays in therapy.

    Wish I had really participated in therapy when I was a teen and mom made me go. I can only imagine how different things might be for me now if I had dealt with my rape and abandonment stuff before it grew into the monster in the dark that it is now. Instead I just played my counselor and told her what she needed to hear to get a clean bill so my mom would get off my ass.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've had these same thoughts so often. When I first started self-harming and after my first suicide attempt my school and my parents tried to force me into therapy. I refused to cooperate and only told the therapist what she needed to hear in order to be let go. I can only imagine how much further along I'd be in dealing with all of this bullshit if I had the courage to accept help when I first needed it.

      Delete
  2. i would have so much fun disarming you and beaking down your defens....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dude, thats a fucked up thing to say...

      Delete
    2. i love borderline (actualy was diagnosed with it myself and schizoid and aspd but problebe a socio)

      Delete
    3. Go back to SW please. This has no place here.

      Delete
  3. does too much looking at your self get in the way of living try doing a "rewind" in the evening while meditating.(looking at yourself and the efect you have on ppl what and why of your behavior for that day)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I disagree that looking at yourself gets in the way of living; often being unaware of ourselves keeps us unaware of the ways we are merely surviving instead of living.

    If we can look at ourselves with compassion then there should be no real reason analysing ourselves would be problematic. But, of course, the keeping compassion when looking at what we feel is our shame is often the biggest problem

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Very true. It is important to be gentle on yourself. Its not impossible, but can be difficult to remember. Patience. Baby steps.

      Delete
  5. Giving others the power to control you is like handing over the keys to the greatest thing you have, which is yourself. My lowest moments in life have been when I listened to others instead of myself first.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is very true and also very hard to convey to someone while they're undergoing the abuse. If you give a bully an inch, they'll take a mile. However, if the first time they laugh at you you roll your eyes and say yeah, whatever, they usually let up. It's no fun to make fun of someone if they don't care.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you for the inspirational post. I really agree with you when you wrote "Don’t let anyone control you". As a BPD suffer, I understand the slump you described you were in. I found that there are a lot of helpful resources like http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-tdp that help me cope with my symptoms. With any disorder, you have to be the one that helps yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks so much for the post.Really looking forward to read more. Want more.

    ReplyDelete

Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...