Monday, February 27, 2012

Memoirs on a Sunday: Monday edition

I really wanted to write this yesterday but I was too lazy and really just wanted to relax didn’t have time.

I’ve been massively, massively stressed out lately. It’s affected my ability to blog the way I normally would but I should be getting back to a more manageable schedule now. Yay!

Friday I got off work, and I was done. I was done with my week. Done with the soul crushing pressure. Done with dealing with the real world. I went to the gym. I love the gym. I put my headphones on, step on the treadmill, and the only thing I have to deal with is putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I read, sometimes I watch the telly (all cardio machines have televisions at my gym), sometimes I listen to music, but what really matters is that for that hour or two, nothing outside of my gym matters. This is my ‘me time’. Time dedicated solely to taking care of my body and my mind. I would recommend everyone doing this. I would doubly recommend everyone who has BPD do this.

Then I shunned social activities in favor of taking a nice quiet night to myself. Yes, it was a Friday night and I stayed in reading and playing PC games. And went to bed early because….

Saturday I was waking up early to go to the gym for one of the most epic workouts I’ve had in years. I ran for an hour. Then I went to one of the personal trainer run weight training classes. It was an hour and a half of weights/core/abs. Best decision ever. Even though dragging my ass out of bed at 7:30 a.m. on any day Saturday is not what I consider a fun idea, and is in fact getting harder and harder for me to do the more stressed out I become, I forced myself to do it anyways. I’m so glad I did. Pushing my body gives me so much more energy, clears my head, and makes me feel functional.

Saturday was eventful and cute. I cleaned my apartment then went to Tech Boys. He’s moving to a new place (closer to me).  We went shopping to get him some new sunglasses (Oakley’s are f-ing expensive! Who spends $220 on sunglasses? Him, apparently).  Then we went shopping to find him some new furniture. His idea to go shopping. I’d mentioned going shopping for various things before if he ever wanted a second opinion on picking things out but he thought it was a really weird idea. So I never really mentioned it again, even though I think it’s pretty normal for people to go shopping together. Yes? Maybe I’m crazy. Well, I mean, obviously I’m crazy, but I’m not wrong, right? ::smiles:: Anyways, we went couch shopping, and ya know what? It was fun. We bounced around on furniture that wasn’t ours and got to talk about asinine details of aesthetics versus function that generally had us laughing at our own ridiculousness.  Afterwards we went to dinner at a really nice restaurant. It was super cute. We’re venturing into the land of day time outings haha. We had a pretty nice little Saturday ;) Shocked.

Later we went to a big bar to catch the nights Pay-Per-View UFC fight. I love UFC. For a minute we didn’t think it would be possible because the first 10 bars we called weren’t hosting it (I don’t have television so watching it at my place was out). We finally found a place though and proceeded to have many beers and lots of bloody amusement. We talked way more than we watched the fights though. Much more. About people we’ve dated, what we want in a relationship, work, family… and he brought up the debacle last week when things went in a direction I wasn’t ok with.  

He’s still upset about it. Strangely I’m not. He’s been very careful with me since we talked about it. Sweeter, not necessarily more considerate, because he’s always considerate, but sort of more aware of how we interact? Idk. He still doesn’t really remember it happening, but when I told him about it, he knew that it was definitely something he could have done. He’s had fuck buddies friends with benefits that were really into that sort of thing. Not only that, but would ask for it even harder. Couple that with the fact that I really do play pretty rough sometimes he didn’t realize it was out of my boundaries. He was also kind of doubly shocked when I finally mentioned it because I didn’t act like anything had happened at first. I tried explaining to him that I shut down when things like that happen. If I don’t know how to react, I often don’t react at all until I can process. I also told him I was worried he’d was going to be mad at me for mentioning it. I think that confused him but I know it’s a product of the abuse I’ve dealt with before. He told me many times that he was glad I’d said something. He was very upset that he could have done that. Yeah other girls he’s been with were into it, but he also said he should have known better. I’d mentioned abusive relationships before and he should have made the connection. We talked a little about that. I haven’t gone into explicit detail of what exactly I’ve been through, I really don’t want to. He said he doesn’t need to know the details, that’s it’s not okay is all that he needs to know. I don’t need to explain, he just has to respect what I need regardless. He apologized a lot. I was having a hard time maintaining my sympathy face. On the one hand I was impressed that he wanted to talk about it further and brought it up unprompted. It was also nice to have the reassurance that it wouldn’t happen again (though I’m still keeping my eyes open). But I already said it was ok and accepted his apology once. Twice. Probably a dozen times. I just wanted him to change the subject. Plus I was distracted by the fight on TV. We went out to watch guys beating each other bloody, not get all serious. It’s nice to know that we can talk about stuff like that though, and he’s not going to get pissed off at me, refuse to talk about it, and give me the silent treatment because I ‘can’t just accept his {horrible} behavior as being a part of who he is’. Evil-Ex was a real winner <sarcasm>.

Thought. Before when he’d mentioned briefly the thought of hitting during sexual play. It was a quick conversation of liking when things get rough. Maybe his suggestion was more something he thought I’d enjoy and less something that was particularly interesting to him. It could very well be. It’s obviously not something that he needs to do. Maybe I had the intent of the first conversation wrong. Maybe since I like playing rough, and h e’s been with other girls that like it rough in that way, he thought that would translate to me as well. It seems logical to me.

It doesn’t change the fact that it’s not ok with me. But I do well and truly accept his apology. Next time, things like that are things we should talk about first though.

It’s funny. I’m very good at hiding how I feel. Avoiding hard conversations because I’m afraid of how the other person will react. Even if I’m very justified in the situation I feel a need to discuss. This is something I think a lot of people with BPD do. Instead of expressing a concern, due to fear of another persons reaction, even if it’s something little and inane that another person wouldn’t think twice about (Please don’t run your nails down the chalkboard. Would you mind putting the toilet seat down?) we’re often afraid to say anything or complain so we hold it all in. (I have more thoughts on this and the consequences for everyone but we’ll get to that another time). It’s incredibly reassuring to me to know that I’m allowed, and capable of expressing a legitimate concern, and having a healthy, productive conversation about it. Without driving him away. Without my feelings being hurt or my fears being realized. In fact, it gave me the opportunity to see the amount of concern and care he had in regards to treating me well. Which as it turns out, is a lot.

Initiating this conversation after it happened was really frightening. The thoughts and the scenarios of how I feared it would turn out all running around, smashing into each other, creating monstrous hybrid scenarios… all turned out to be massively unjustified. He didn’t run away. He accepts and respects my boundaries. Is, in fact, grateful that I brought this to his attention so we could figure it out. Who knew people did this? It’s as if I can have conversations about life stuff like an adult. Strange.  ::smiles::

Also, Ben Henderson won the match. The man is a beast in the ring. A ripped, sexy beast, but a beast.

 So yeah. Went back to my place, made with the sexy time, and slept in. He’s so cuddly! I adore it. That time in the morning when we’re not wanting to get out of bed and just want to stay wrapped up in each other…. That… is one of my favorite things in the world. Simple human contact is probably my biggest kryptonite. The Gold kryptonite, though. The kind that robs me of my ability to absorb the crazy from life and just live like a normal person for as long as I’m in contact with it.

And I’m a geek.


  1. awww its good to see things between you two are looking up!

  2. You need to teach me two things:

    1) How to be so motivated at the gym. I love the feeling afterward, but convincing myself to go and every second of my time in the gym are misery.

    2) How to run on the treadmill while reading a book.

    1. 1) This can be tricky, but I've adopted exercise as part of my life-style. It's not just about losing 5 lbs or getting a six pack. It's something that I've incorporated into my everyday life as a way to take care of myself. Eat, breathe, exercise.

      2) This only really works with hard back books because they have stiff backs and lay open without the covers falling closed. The trick is getting the pages to stay down. I put a rubber band on the right side of the open page/cover, and one on the left page/cover. Big enough to fit easily over the cover and slide the turned page into it, but not so big that it just falls off.

  3. Wow that sounds wonderful! He initiated that convo on his own. He may be a bit more emotionally mature than you thought! It means he really digs you. Really.

    Glad things are going well for someone. Im afraid my friend is more emotionally retarded than I thought and I didnt know that was possible. Once you realize that being with someone cuts into your self esteem, its time to wrap it up. Sounds like Tech Boy is quite the opposite! Lucky gal!

    1. Yeah I was pretty surprised myself.

      Oh my. It sounds like you've been having a case of, valuation based on last interaction. When your last interaction is good, things are amazing. When the last one is bad, it's time for it to be over. I could be wrong, but from you've mentioned it sort of swings like that. I do this all the f-ing time. That doesn't mean it's not time for things to be wrapped of though. Self-esteem is really important. That's what finally made me drop Friend. Our friendship had been affecting my self-worth and that's just not ok. ::hugs::.


Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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