Thursday, February 16, 2012

Occupational Hazard

Crushing disappointment with myself today. Stressed out beyond reason. I can feel myself shutting down and starting to drift away from my surroundings. Staring off into an empty, lonely space.
It’s not really my fault, but it feels like it. I should have known that something was wrong.
Work stress.
Having to rely on a team is necessary but dangerous. One wrong input, that I couldn’t generate and had no control over,  that I had to rely on someone else to provide for me, and it changed completely the results that I had been looking for. There was a mistake. Wrong.
I feel like my job is over. I’m so panicked I can’t even feel anymore.
And the dumbest thing is, I already talked to my boss and he’s not that concerned! I just have to redo a couple things and make them my priority instead of some other projects. I now also have more resources at my disposal to collaborate my findings.
I’m just… I feel like I complete and utter failure. Admitting this is so difficult. So difficult. I’m ashamed of myself. I want to quit my job as save myself the embarrassment of ever messing up again. Everyone is going to judge me. Everyone is going to see I’m not as intelligent as I need to be. Everyone is going to see that I’m not perfect. They’re going to look down on me. They’re going to silently laugh at me behind my back and feel like they are better than me. I can’t actually measure up.
I know these thoughts are destructive and massively exaggerated, if not outright wrong, but I can’t help that it’s how I FEEL.  
I take on so much. I know I can do the work, but the shear load is overwhelming.
When the work day is done I feel so much relief. I made it through one more day doing what I need to do. I go home at night, but don’t want to go to sleep because I know it will only make the morning come so much quicker. When morning comes I have to walk right back into work and do it all over again. One more potential chance to fail. I’ve never had a hard time waking up in the morning, but now it seems like dragging my ass out of bed would be easier to do with one of those giant claw machines designed to pick me up and drop me off into my morning routine.
This is the only thing everyone will see about me now. They’ll only remember this one thing. That’s what they’ll judge me on. This last problem. None of the other brilliant and productive things I’ve done before will matter. Just this one thing. This is how I think. I don’t think this is how ‘normal’ people think. But I don’t know how it feels to not think this way. I don’t have that perspective. This is all I know. And all I know, is that this time my work wasn’t good enough. That’s terrifying.
I have to be better. I have to push myself harder. Making mistakes just isn’t acceptable. I’m going to lose everything I worked for if I make even one small mistake. I just, can’t. I’m so disappointed. I feel small. My self-esteem is completely deflated. I feel the fingers of depression and self-doubt slowly clawing their way into the forefront of my mind. This is bad.  
Every time someone looks at me I’m going to wonder if they’re thinking about that one thing. I want to crawl into a hole and blot out the sun. If they can’t see me, they can’t judge me.
All I can do is prove that I’m better than what I did previously.
It may sound like I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but when the mole is a mutated radiation experiment created by an evil genius, genetically altered to be 6 feet tall with yellowed broad swords for claws and teeth that rival a velociraptor, that molehill doesn’t sound like something I want to kick over.
Stress. I know that I’m actually very successful by anyone’s standards in my occupational field. Choosing such a difficult and high stress profession on top of my Borderline Personality Disorder is harder than most people realize. The work isn’t that hard. The amount of work load I have to juggle is where the pressure comes in. I have to figure out a better way to deal with this kind of stress….


  1. This is not in any way intended to invalidate your feelings. I understand exactly what you are saying as I have felt this way myself. Often.

    What I remind myself when I feel this way is that most other people (pd or "normal") do not think about me like I think about me. They are most likely so busy worrying about their own screw ups (past or present, real or imagined) that they really dont think about yours.

    My field has my screwups potentially killing people. Talk about stress. When I fuck up big time, first I am thankful no one died, then I go about figuring out what went wrong to prevent a reoccurance. It really is only a fuckup if you arent able to learn from it.

    Also, something tells me that the people you work with are probably more intimidated and in awe of your intellect than they are thinking you are a fraudulent retard poseur.

    1. I know you're probably right. I think this is one of the things that drives me the craziest. I KNOW things, but they FEEL in a way that is in complete contradiction to how I think. It's awful.

      Figuring out what went wrong and how to prevent a reoccurance is exactly what I'm doing. Mistakes are the best teachers they say. Doesn't make them feel good =(

      Besides reoccurence prevention, do you do anything else that helps ease the stress? It sounds like you have a high stress job that probably requires a lot of stress management. I like to run and exercise when I'm off work, but it doesn't help so much on the job.

      Haha, you're probably right there too. Couple that with being an 'alternative' looking attractive female and most of the men here don't know what to do with me, haha.

    2. Thankfully, I had friends in high school who snapped me out of my type A tendencies by introducing weed into my life. After that, my drive for perfection decreased significantly. I think I would have to say the ritual of coming home and smoking up is a ceremonial cleansing from my work life of sobriety and responsibility to my home life of whatever the fuck it is lol. I learned to put up a wall whereby the two dont meet. I cant think of work at home and I do my utter best to keep home from work. Thats the part that gives me the most trouble. Some days, its hard to hide the crazy. But work is rarely the cause of that. I do what I can and hope I dont end getting sued. I just try to do my best at work and when I do fuckup, I try to be as gentle with myself as possible.


Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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