Friday, March 23, 2012

Lucid Analysis – Trials in Therapy: It’s an Average Life


My apologies for my posting being a little erratic. Bear with me. I’ve been crushingly overwhelmed at work lately. I usually write my posts first thing in the morning but with the shear amount of work I’ve had to do I simply haven’t had the same kind of time as usual.  I haven’t had time to write, I haven’t had time to read other blogs, or comment the way I usually would. I’m starting earlier, leaving later. I’m exhausted. Overwhelmed. Honestly I feel like I’m about to crash and burn. I’m trying to juggle everything but it’s hard for me to do so much. Especially this time of year. It always seems to sneak up on me…
End of March, beginning of April is a notoriously bad time of year for me. I’m always depressed, but this is the time of year that I plummet, hard, for no apparent reason. Therapist seems to think the time of year is triggering for me because of how pressured I was growing up. My parents raised “super children”. We were so over stimulated with activities, constantly involved in sports, clubs, and instrumental lessons that we didn’t have enough time to just be kids. Our lives were scheduled and structured away. Because of this I may have built up such a store of pressure and tension, after a while I can no longer maintain it and I just start to drop. I can’t say I agree with this theory. It doesn’t feel right to me. It feels like I’m on a really slow mood cycle. Like a long Bipolar II downswing… always depressed, depressed, depressed, slowly spiral down, deeper depressed, bottom out severe depression, little bit better, little less depressed but still depressed, depressed, depressed, depressed…. Repeat ad infinitum. It’s been this way since I was 12 years old at least. Yanno, puberty time. I think it’s a chemical problem. I think the stress and pressure of my upbringing affects me all year round.
It makes me think about how I would raise children differently were I to ever have any. First of all, I’m terrified of having children for a multitude of reasons, but mostly because I would feel supremely guilty if I passed on my genetic predisposition towards mental health issues.  Maybe I’ll do a post on why I don’t think having kids is a good idea for me. I’ve thought a lot about it.
Anyways.
I finally worked up the courage to request some vacation time. I hate requesting time off. I feel guilty. I feel like my boss is going to judge me. I feel like it’s going to reflect poorly on my performance. Ugh. But I NEED a vacation. Desperately. I’m going to visit my Sister for a couple days. Then I’m going to visit my best Borderline friend from University (Zoe). Then it’s off for a day or two with the rest of my family for the Easter holiday. I’m so, so, so very excited to see my sister and my friend.
Something that irritates me a little about Therapist is she tries to guess how things will effect me. Like she thought this time of year would be less triggering for me to visit my family. Visiting my family is always triggering for me regardless. This time of year in particular is especially bad for me. Why not just ask me how I think this trip will trigger me?  Rant over.
Sister was so happy to hear I was coming out. Things are better for the both of us when we’re together. Sister is bipolar. Right now I believe she is un-medicated as well so it hasn’t been the easiest time for her. Just being with her makes her feel better, steadier.
It’s funny. People tell me this all the time. On the inside I feel like I maelstrom colliding with an earthquake, overwhelmed and incapable of dealing with too much, but on the outside I manage to have an air of serenity and solidity. I don’t know how this happens, but Zoe feels the same way.

Quite a pear. Har har, get it? Oh geezus someone get me a drink

She called me last Tuesday. Her and her fiancé/girlfriend are getting married in August. She asked me to be her Maid of Honor. I’m absolutely delighted. Instantly I started thinking of things I’d have to say in a speech. Talking to her that night was eye opening though. I love this woman, but sometimes talking to her really hammers home just how hard I’ve been working to overcome my Borderline issues. Over the course of our conversation she was teary and nostalgic about me being the only one she could possibly thing of to be her maid of honor, to talking about prospects for a family, to being sad and feeling rejected that her fiancé might not find her attractive, to getting drunk, to telling me how much she used to have a crush on me, seriously almost in love with me for the longest time (this was actually mutual but we didn’t really realize it at the time – we both the other was out of our league, haha, and we also had so much value on our friendship that we wouldn’t want to ruin it), to actually getting into a fight and “breaking up” (they didn’t really) with her fiancé, overdosing on pills, alluding to ideas of suicide and apologizing for not being able to handle it all…. If anyone thinks that I don’t know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of the Borderline craze, let me assure you, I’m very familiar with it. It’s scary, but at the same time, it doesn’t bother me. It’s not that I don’t take it too seriously, I definitely do, but I know that what she really needs is to know that she has support. I know all too well what it feels like to actually go through that. She apologized the next day. I told her as long as she’s ok she has no need to apologize. I’d rather her talk to me while that’s happening so I can know what’s going on. Even now she worries that if she gets ahold of me too much though she’ll seem too needy. Then there’s me with my lack of object constancy, I just don’t think she thinks about me because I’m not right there to be thought about. Us two, we’re just so silly. I love her to death.
Her and Sister are the two people in my life (obviously not including all of my wonderful Readers that have shared their lives and experiences with me) that have understood me and accepted me unconditionally. Having that kind of support is invaluable.
Therapist worries that seeing Zoe will be triggering for me. I look at how she still gets sometimes and remember just how bad I used to be, but I’m not worried. When we hang out it’s not like we have cutting contests or anything. We just vent and watch our terrible movies and enjoy the comfort that is each other company. Seeing her is like the opposite of a trigger. It’s a Safety. 
Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if we were together. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if my life were regular. I wonder about a lot of things. I just can’t imagine it. People sometimes ask me if I wish my life were different. But there really is no answer. Even if I didn’t have these mental health issues that’s no guarantee that my life wouldn’t have taken a turn for the worse in a different way. I don’t know any other way. How can I hope for something that I’ve never experienced? It’s futile besides. All I have is this one life and what I’ve already lived is something I can’t change. All I can do is move forward.
Things with Tech Boy are going very well. I’m worried I won’t get to see him this weekend because his best friend is coming out to visit. Otherwise things are nice. Normal. It’s a little scary. Therapist recognizes that this is a very different approach to relationships for me. Slowly building. Not jumping into things full force. He’s a progressive thinker. He lets me express my opinions, hell he even agrees with my opinions most of the time. It’s nice. Boring-Ex used to refuse to talk to me, actually told me he didn’t like talking to me, because I would get “worked up” about some subjects. I wasn’t “worked up”, I was passionate about social injustices and significant political/social issues important enough to put my energy towards. I might get angry, but it’s a righteous anger… it’s a constructive anger… it’s not a personal off the hinge rage. It’s good to get heated about certain things. It’s good to be moved by issues that are important to you. How can you make a difference if you have no motivation to change something? He didn’t understand that. Tech Boy is really laid back and he doesn’t get worked up about things, but he doesn’t seem to mind that I do. It’s nice.
It’s a good thing I didn’t go into politics. I’m a lot of things, and those things include: strong willed, opinionated, outspoken, and very educated… with a healthy does of not giving a shit if other people don’t like my opinions.
I actually talked to Therapist about some of the political ranting I’ve been doing lately. All the ranting and writing I do really. She thinks my blog is really important. Important for me, and important to foster understanding.
I try.  


12 comments:

  1. Your blog is important. It helps you process your feelings, fosters understanding, and is a safe space for us all to tackle some heavy subject matter. Thank you for it! You dont ever have to apologize for your life getting in the way off blogging, though. We understand and dont want you to have added pressure of worrying we wont like you because you didnt do an entry or it was late. Its all good. We <3 u anyway ;)

    Another prediction from Sarah. You will see Tech Boy this weekend. He will totally want you to meet his friend. No need to worry.

    Things are so complicated with my friend. I thought I scared him off the other day with my txts but no. He took me to a movie yesterday. It was lovely and unexpected. I hate the black/white thing. Its getting kinda tiresome. Im not sure I have the energy to keep the value/devalue cycle going. Maybe thats maturity. When the rollercoaster doesnt seem as fun anymore...

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    1. ::smiles:: Thanks Sarah. I know it's such a silly worry sometimes. I take on so much and then feel guilty for not being able to do everything 100%, even when the thing is completely voluntary. Man have I had the over achiever beaten into me.

      And of course you were right about seeing Tech Boy this weekend and hanging out with him and his friend.

      I'm not sure the rollercoaster was ever fun, so much as it made me feel alive. I don't think it's something we ever choose on purpose, but yeah it the amount of energy lost and drained from it...tiresome is an understatement. Maybe after a while, after we've experienced it so much, some kind of understanding develops - everytime it feels like the end of the world, but as it turns out it never really is. Somewhere that thougth can creep in.

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  2. hi there haven :)
    haven't commented on some time but i 've been reading - it's good to see you're doing better(in some aspects at least :)).Boy,i'm so glad things are working out with you and techboy!(by the way is he hot? ;) )

    sorry about your seasonal blues..

    And keep being passionate about social injustices.It's a whole lot better than being indifferent...

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    1. Hi there aizen. Yes, he's quite hot.

      I was raised to fight agaist social injustice... promoting awareness and acceptance is something that's important to me.

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  3. Your blog is bordering on inspiring me to keep a blog. Even if it is just a personal, diary-like blog that is not public.

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    1. I'd be very interested in seeing what your life is like. I love to blog. It's a great way to work things through and keep track of your life. I say do it!

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  4. APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
    Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
    Memory and desire, stirring
    Dull roots with spring rain.
    Winter kept us warm, covering 5
    Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
    A little life with dried tubers.
    Summer surprised us......

    TS Eliot, The Waste Land

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  5. This is a great posting I have read. I like your article.

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  6. Glad things are looking up for you:)

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  7. Allow me to sound like a jobless hippie for a moment, but this is the reason I hate our job systems in America. We're conditioned to think that asking for legitimate time off, whether it's sick time or vacation time, is a bad thing. They willingly give you 1 or 2 weeks off a year, and yet you have to feel like a complete asshole accepting it. That sucks.

    With that said, I'm glad you took it, and I hope you enjoy it! It sounds like you really need it.

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    1. I know! I agree completely. It's so unfortunate the kind of pressure the professional world puts on its workers. I think Europe has it better with a lot of vacation and a more relaxed working environment. They may not be as "productive" but the people tend to be happier and that in and of itself promotes more efficient work in its employees. ::sigh::

      I'm glad too. I definitely need a break.

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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