Friday, March 9, 2012

Lucid Analysis – Trials in Therapy: Not what I hoped for

I’m beyond exhausted. All week. Stress is really getting to me I think.

Saw Therapist yesterday. I walked into her office and I actually had nothing to talk about at all. I was irritable, aggravated, and angry in general. I’ve felt like that for the past couple days. I’ve noticed that my mood tracker has been all the hell over the place for the past few weeks. Therapist says it’s no wonder with everything that just happened with Friend. The whole ending of our friendship was very triggering for me.

Yes, this is my actual Tracker [ Medhelp.org ]

Therapist tried getting me to look at him and his wife in a less harsh light. She started with his wife and looking for virtue in her. There just isn’t any. I tried to like to her at first, but I’ve never trusted her. Hell. I mean seriously. The event that sparked my friendship with Friend was because his wife PUNCHED MY GIRLFRIEND IN THE FACE for something she had absolutely nothing to do with. The woman is just out of control. The only reason I put up with her was because I valued my friendship with him and if I wasn’t pleasant to her she’d have told him I couldn’t be friends with him.

Therapist said that from Friend’s perspective it was probably quite a shock that I had these feelings because I’m extraordinarily good at suppressing my feelings and coming across as if nothing is wrong. Even Therapist didn’t realize just hold long I harbored such intense feelings for her.  Just because I’m not outwardly hostile towards someone doesn’t mean I like them. And as a matter of fact, I told friend that it hurt me to see them like that, that I didn’t like his wife. His response was he didn’t want to lose me but he didn’t want me to be uncomfortable when I was over there. We had this conversation. Is it my fault he didn’t pay attention to what I told him directly? No. What should I have done? Acted how I felt? That’s real mature. Just because I can’t stand someone doesn’t mean I have to be openly hostile towards them. Especially when doing so would destroy the thing I actually wanted – to spend time hanging out with my best friend.

So where’s the line? Where do I get to be civil and act like an adult and not be a horrific bitch to someone I don’t like? Is it really better to act like an asshole? I was CIVIL. I acted like an ADULT. It just seems like I can’t do anything right. I could Act Out and hurt their feelings but hey, at least they’d know for sure how I felt. Instead I Acted In. I kept my meanness and my unhappiness to myself, let them be happy and kept our company nice. But apparently my civility meant I was lying. So, I can be an honest asshole. Or a pleasant liar. Those are my choices.

People get bent out of shape about how Borderlines Act Out. But they get angry for not Acting Out too. Make up your friggin’ minds people. I know the real problem is mine for not being able to regulate and express myself in a timely way, but at that point it didn’t dawn on me that it was something I should be able to do. Expressing my needs and concerns = rejection.  Obviously Friend proved my fear accurate. (To my credit I didn’t let that stop me in regards to Tech Boy and he actually did exactly what I’d hoped and needed him to do!)

I realize he was probably a bit blindsided when I finally unloaded all this stuff that had been building up. As I was talking about earlier this week, I hold stuff in and don’t express it until it finally pops.  That’s why I was trying to talk it through. That’s why I wanted to have a conversation so we could work through things; to clear up the misunderstandings, the miscommunications and work it out like adults. That was asking too much of him though. I was TRYING to COMMUNICATE. Yeah it took me a long time to get to that point but I was trying. I gave him way more credit than he deserved.

Therapist asked: Do I think once some time has passed and he’s been able to think about things, will he want to try to work on things? Unless he says the absolute perfect things, I’m not interested. I’ll be willing to hear what he has to say. Clarify some of the things I said. Get some closure. But I’m done. Finished. The End. This was seriously the first time I’d asked him ever to please be considerate of my feelings, oh yeah, and quit touching me inappropriately. But no, that’s too much to deal with. I will not give him another chance to hurt me like that.

I thought he was someone I could trust. Someone that I could talk things through with, but I was wrong. I put myself in a very vulnerable position when I tried to explain what was going on in my head… and he gave me nothing. Not a damn thing. All he said was this is too much trouble, good bye.  Well, fuck you buddy.

Therapist says that I’m a very good Friend.   I give so much to the people I care about. Oh yeah? Then why is it so impossible to find someone that will give me even a little reciprocity? I’m like a magnet for douchebags. At least I have Roommate. Tech Boy has been awesome too.  

Man, for going into therapy last night with nothing to talk about, I ended up talking a lot. And nearly crying twice.

I may have made up my mind about this whole thing, but there still was really no closure from him.

I’m starting to get angry with ideas of vindictiveness as well. We have a couple events coming up. I always go to both of them. The one I want to attend especially because I’m sure he’ll be there and my presence will make him exceptionally uncomfortable. I find this amusing.

The other… ::sigh::… I’d like to go but that one might just be too painful. Not only will he be there, but K and Twiggy as well (they’re at least civil), I ran into Evil-Ex and the girl he’s living with who was also the last girl he cheated on me with, and Boring-Ex who started volunteering there just because he knew it would get under my skin after I introduced him to the scene. Yes, I know Boring-Ex did this on purpose because when I brought him he did nothing but complain, piss, and moan about how boring the event was. That’s  just too many people in one place that I can’t and/or won’t speak too. Too many people in one place that could trigger me. Too many people in one place that aren’t in my life anymore.

Really, Boring-Ex is a non-entity. I’m peeved at his immaturity but he doesn’t even rank on my list of important people. Evil-Ex I’m really pretty over. It’s too soon for Friend. Of all the people that I’ve lost from my life I miss K the most. She meant a lot to me and I really screwed up with her. Every time I see her I relive the guilt and bad decisions I made, I relive how I failed her, how I was blind to the bullshit Friend was feeding me and chose to let myself get swept up with him. I break my own heart when I see her. Too painful.

Therapist pulled out her Wheel of Self Awareness.  She said I do the exercise very easily and come to a lot of very valid conclusions. It helps that I’m so vocal in therapy.

What’s the point of going to therapy if you don’t talk? Seriously. I realize the lack of trust thing is an issue, but if you don’t like your therapist, get a new one. If you’re not willing to try expressing yourself in therapy, why waste an hour of your time?

I’m ranty and grumpy today.

Therapist admitted to being human yesterday. It’s funny. I want her to have all the answers. I want her to be able to tell me what I should do. But at the same time I really respect that she knows her personal limits and isn’t afraid to express that with me.  She also told me that my ability to make a firm decision in regards to not allowing for the potential reunion with Friend is a very healthy move on my part. And something that is exceptionally difficult for a Borderline. Therapist doesn’t like labels so it always makes me step back when she acknowledges my BPD.  Most people have a hard time letting go of people that were such an important part of their life. Not that this was an easy decision for me. It took me a year and a half to get to a point where I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I’ve done that very thing, constantly, over and over, my entire life – let people back in when I should have stayed firm and held onto the reason I kicked them out in the first place. All it does is continue to allow them to hurt me. I’m sick of it.

She asked if I regretted sending Friend the letter. I do, and I don’t. I’m angry at myself for showing him my vulnerability. I’m angry at myself for showing that there was human weakness in me. I’m angrier at him that he couldn’t be a decent human being. Maybe I’m just disappointed in myself because I thought better of him and I was the one that was wrong. On the other hand, if I hadn’t sent him those letters our friendship would have been over anyways. I needed to address these things in order to fix them so I could be comfortable over there again. Without resolving those, it would have continued to torment me, and in reality I simply would have seen him and spoken to him less and less until one day he just wasn’t in my life anymore. It’s probably good that I opened up, even if it didn’t have the outcome I’d hoped for. I’d hoped he would be my friend. I’d hoped he would care. I’d hoped he’d be able to talk with me in a constructive and helpful way. Things don’t always turn out the way I hope. Sometimes having things turn out differently is actually better.

Being friends with him was holding me back. Holding me back from pursuing someone that I could actually share my life with. Holding me back from finding untarnished pleasure in someone’s company. Everything with Friend was a compromise of my emotions. Some compromise in a relationship is good, but if it’s always a compromise, then something isn’t right.  

Angry. Angry angry angry. Right now that’s all I am still. Therapist says it’s better to be angry than depressed. I agree.



I almost told Tech Boy I’m in therapy last night. Almost. I balked. ::sigh:: Despite our unofficial status we’re clearly pretty involved. I’m going to have to let him in on some of this eventually. Any thoughts on how to do that?


13 comments:

  1. Awesome post Haven. Stay angry, it's allowed and you sound like you're thinking clearly. Stay angry until you've got things worked out.

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  2. He was holding you back?

    No. Ultimately, YOU were holding you back. This is probably the most important thing you can learn in therapy. YOU are in control of who and what you have in your life. By saying he was holding you back gives him complete power over you and your own life, by your own choice of how you are deciding to look at things.

    You seem to want others to have all the power, though, with phrases such as "I just want my therapist to tell me what to do." That would be nothing more than enabling, not therapy. I would think the goal of therapy would be to have enough of a solid self to be able to make your own decisions.

    I think you'd do well to stop placing blame, either at yourself or others. It's a useless and damaging game, as everyone is always 'to blame' in relationships, and I think this need to place blame at all, on either one side or another (i.e. paint something black, either yourself or someone else) holds you back more than Friend ever did.

    Perhaps this is why your therapist is telling you to look at him in a less harsh light.

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  3. No, you read your own interpretation into that statement. I didn't say HE was holding me back. I said "My friendship with him", was holding me back. My decision to stay in that emotionally turbulent place was my problem. I, me, was holding onto something that was not healthy for me. Letting it go is what I needed to do to move on.



    "I just want my therapist to tell me what to do". ::sigh:: No one can tell me what to do. In fact, telling me what to do is pretty much a guarnatee that I'll do something completely different. That wasn't the point of this statement.

    I'm not blaming him. I'm taking responsibility for myself. I was holding onto something that didn't exist. Now I'm not.

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  4. I think it would be good to have a discussion with tech boy. I would keep it simple and avoid labels, but it is better to tell him about it rather than have some really fucked up episode happen where he's left confused, wondering what he did wrong.

    What Ive found since being more open to people about being in therapy is people react positively. It shows you are trying to relate to life in a healthy way. People get curious about how it helps and Ive even referred a few people to my therapist and our companys EAP program. I feel like it is partly my responsibility to help erase the stigma around mental illness (which you obviously do, based on your blog) so I feel part of that is being casual, nonchalant and open about being in therapy. Few people have heard me say "bpd" but I feel level of intimacy dictates how much detail I will give. Except on the net lol.

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    1. Also, if he reacts negatively (tho I sincerely doubt he will), at least you will know you are not really compatible and can stop investing in the relationship.

      Despite my friends own emotional issues (or because of them) he is unable to see me as anything but the "crazy girlfriend" so I know now there's no point. Something tells me Tech Boy is different. What you have said about him conveys more emotional maturity than my friend, who turns 40 this year.

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    2. Yeah I definitely need to. Small steps. Level of intimacy indeed. Haha, why is it so easy to tell this stuff to strangers and not to someone I want to be close to? Hah. I know the answer to that really but still.

      It sounds so easy and rational doesn't at. At least I'll know. It s houldn't sound so scary but the fear can run away with you. Not that fear has ever stopped me. I always go right ahead and do it anyways. I know I will. I hope you're right. He definitely seems to have more emotional maturity than I originally gave him credit for. ::hugs::

      How are you holding up after everything that happened with you and your friend?

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    3. Idk. Ive mentally divorced myself from him, but I know it will be hard when he comes sniffing around to see if my will is broken yet.

      I got a book called Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Reading it is strengthening my resolve. Im starting my dbt workbook. Those are two positive ways Im coping. Went swimming yesterday so thats good. Today is my only day off this week and it has been a long emo week, so I am being a bit bad. A bit of the old binge (I dont purge) and a lot of weed. Therapy is monday so that will be interesting.

      It just doesnt feel final yet, because he still has some clothes here and we kissed when he left the other night. He wouldnt even let me break up. He "knows" that I will change my mind and go back to letting him run the relationship and dictate the limited terms. That shows what a loser he thinks I am. I am tired of agreeing with him.

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    4. Wow guess my answer shows Im a bit dissociated. You asked how I was doing and I told you what I was doing. I didnt address my emotional state at all. :(

      Im drained. Sad. Angry. Hopeful. Pessimistic. Disappointed. Confused. Pissed. Im pretty pissed.

      I wanted to punch his face in when I was on top of him the other night. I was poised perfectly to just go to town. I was able to resist the impulse, but I redirected it to sex. Socially acceptable way of a woman taking out her hostility on a man. I am still angry at him. I am trying to hang onto that anger. Especially not direct it at myself. He deserves it. Fucking dipshit.

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  5. Mood Tracker MHM Version:

    "Good" - Coasting through life, interested in something
    "Okay" - Getting through life, no real interest in anything
    "Bad" - Forcing self through life, [highly interested in non-obligation OR not interested in/can't focus on anything]

    In all three moods I am easily amused by some fairly simple things. In bad I perhaps have a tendency to compulsively do certain things to the detriment of sleep. Good is rare and when I clearly have serotonin/dopamine pumping through me, and okay is pretty okay and common. My line is effectively flat. :(

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    1. Also, it's not showing weakness to send your friend that letter. Weakness would be allowing him to control you with its contents.

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    2. I also have no solid advice on the tech boy situation. Some people won't care and others will. I don't think there's any way around that. You being in therapy and adhering to it combined with not being an antagonistic part of his life works in your favor, though.

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  6. Just wanted to say that I think that real strength is the ability to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. When you are truly strong you can be open bcs you know your own strength will carry you through if you are hurt. Remaining closed off and protecting ourselves from vulnerability is just us living out our core belief (fear?) that we are in fact weak, too weak to make it through if someone we love doesn't also love us, that we cannot survive without that connection. I think you should be deeply proud of your expression of your own vulnerability and need; it took enormous strength. Try again with tech boy, Haven. You will only get stronger and eventually that strength will lead you to what you want and need, and will show you you can manage the anger and hurt if you sometimes don't get those things bcs you give them to yourself. --chicadina

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    1. Yeah,I agree with the above.True strength is in that,,that you can give and own...without expectation of what will come back to you...because it is what it is!It's pure that way,,uncontaminated by anything.Unpretentious,,unprotected,unguarded,unselfish,unstained.I like it when I meet people that are like this,,it inspires me to reach deeper within myself and ,show myself with courage. When people are like this,,they are like beacons of light,because they function from a place of self worth and self love,,,and they do not compromise themselves.they do not have to get anything in order to show themselves.Its brave and very sexy.Owning that type of emotional honesty gets my spiritual cock hard.

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