Monday, March 12, 2012

Memoirs on a Sunday: Another [very belated] Monday Edition



You want to know what one of my favorite things about living in New York is? Brooklyn. I love Brooklyn.

The weekend before last was all around pretty wonderful (this weekend was great too! But I meant to post this last week and forgot).
My dress was black
Tech Boy moved into his new apartment two Fridays ago. I went over that Friday night, he made us dinner, I made us cookies. Then we went out to the clubhouse for some drinks and watched a band do covers of music from the 70s and 80s. It was a good time. When we were there we saw one of our co-workers girlfriends and a girl from Tech Boys softball team. Apparently she’s had a crush on him for ages. I half jokingly-half probingly said, “Gee, hope I’m not ruining your chances here {since she’s seeing us together}”. He got kind of a petrified look on his face and shook his head vehemently. I thought it was funny. I slept terribly at his new place though. I had crazy nightmares with him in it. Mostly involving our relationship not being “out”, other girls coming up to him, him telling me he hasn’t been with them, but he never got rid of them because at first he thought this would only be a one-time thing, all sorts of fears that other women would step in to replace me and he didn’t consider me anything more important than just someone to keep around for the moment. ::sigh:: My subconscious hates me.
I woke up really early and told him I was going to the gym. I got a cute, “Aw, no more snuggle buddy” response, kissed him bye and took off for a long 2.5 hour workout at the gym. My cardio wasn’t up to par because we stayed up so late and I kept waking up constantly, but my lifting was spot on. I needed that workout. I knew I wasn’t going to get to the gym the next day, because….
Saturday night he swung by and we headed into Brooklyn for his and his sisters birthday celebration. When we got there I met his sister and a ton of both their friends. I still can’t remember most of their names. It was a great night. I felt a little awkward at first because of everyone there, I knew Tech Boy. That’s it. A couple beers and a crowded bar cleared that right up though. It was a great little place. I stuck out like a goth girl in a country bar, but no one cared. I stood around, listened to the band, kept up conversation with everyone around me.
We talked about work and whatnot. His stepdad asked how our coworkers felt about us “dating”. We’ve never really said we’re dating in any official capacity, but I wonder if that’s what he tells other people. Or if it was just an assumption? Regardless, I told him our coworkers weren’t in the loop. We just keep it professional at work.
I almost got into a bar fight at one point. It was stupid really but it managed to piss me off hardcore and I nearly lost my temper. Some dumb broad, very drunk, was trying to squeeze into the bar and take up residence. Except it was super packed. We got there early enough that I had one of the few seats at the bar. For about 20 minutes she was ramming into me, pushing against me, bumping me, dancing in place, all while jabbering away like a drunken valley girl…. I kept my elbows out so they were constantly stabbing at her, but she wasn’t getting the hint. At one point I turned to her and was like “Chicky, seriously, quit it. There isn’t room for that.” She gave me an attitude after that and I very nearly decked the bitch. It didn’t help that Tech Boys sister was egging me on, which really I thought was funny, but I just shook my head and got another beer. The people I was with were loud enough with their own displeasure that the chicks friends intervened, told her she was definitely encroaching on my bar stool and put some space between us. Obnoxious.
At one point in the evening Tech Boy wandered off with a buddy to check out the band. I was deep in conversation with other people, and I don’t need a chaperone (or so I like to think) so I didn’t worry. I ended up talking to one of his sisters guy friends. He’d commented on some of my exposed tattoos and we got to talking about that. I showed him the one on my side (well, part of it - I wasn't going to take off my entire shirt to show him the whole thing). I didn’t think anything of it. I love talking about body mods and the work I’ve had done. He apparently thought that was an invitation to take it a little further. He started rubbing my side, standing real close. I took his hand off me and told him he couldn’t do that. I was here with Tech Boy.
At the same time, Tech Boys stepfather saw this whole thing, and called him over saying, “This guys moving in on your girl”. To which Tech Boy responded, “ It’s ok, she’ll kick his ass.” His step father didn’t think that was the point. The point was if some other guy is trying to get with your girl, you say something. I can’t say I disagreed. The whole thing was very awkward to me. I get very sad when I enjoy talking to someone and it turns out they really just want to make a move on me. I don’t see myself that way, so I don’t assume other people see me that way.
Meanwhile, the douchebag I’d been talking to started trying to guilt me. Oh, gee you shouldn’t flirt with me then. Flirt? I wasn’t flirting, I was having a conversation. I like to talk to people. Oh, you just like to talk to people. I see. Sure. Fuck you asshole.
I’m hearing his stepfather talk to Tech Boy as this guy is trying to guilt me. I’m hearing him tell him how I’m telling this guy to leave me alone as I’m trying to get out of this conversation with this guy. Seriously, every time we go out, and he leaves me alone for 10 seconds, some guy tries to hit on me. I’m not exaggerating. It’s ridiculous.
It’s also upsetting to me. What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I just have a conversation with someone and not have them try to pick me up? Is it really too much to ask to just have a conversation or am I always going to be just another potential piece of ass? I realize getting laid is like the epitomy of the 20-something-male crowds goals in life (only half sarcastic about this), but does it ever occur to them that this can be hurtful? Probably not. When I realize you’re only showing an interest in me and the things I have to say because you want to get into my pants, it makes me feel worthless. I’m more than just a warm hole for you to put your cock into. It also makes me feel stupid for getting excited about having a conversation that I’m interested in when the conversation itself is just a ruse for the ulterior motive at hand.
I was kind of deflated after that. We were sitting around chatting and he asked me to come outside with him for a cigarette (him smoking, not me). It was nice to get out into the cool night air. We talked about the guy hitting on me. He asked me if he should have said something, if I’d want him to do something about it in the future. I told him if it was obvious that a guy was trying to come on to me, it’d be nice if he’d come over. He doesn’t have to say anything or beat the guy down or anything. But if he makes his presence known then it can be a non-issue real fast.
It just makes me feel awkward. I don’t assume people are hitting on me. By the time I realize it, it’s too late. And our non-relationship status makes it kind of awkward to be like, “Well, no, I don’t technically have a boyfriend, but I’m only sleeping with one person at the moment, k thanks.”
On the other hand, clearly he trusts me and thinks me capable of dealing with it on my own. Which I always do. I’m glad he has that kind of respect for me. ::sigh:: Small woman no need big strong man help protect girl from predator douchebag ::caveman grrrr:: but it’s nice to know that he’s not okay with some random guy hitting on me. Murky grey area of feminist ideology and romantic expectations going on here. Oh first world problems, how you vex me.
By the time we came back inside it was all cleared up and we’d managed to have an awkward yet productive conversation. I never would have told him to ‘come to my rescue’, not in a million years. But since he asked how he should have handled it, it made it easier for me to say that it would be nice if he stepped up or at least came over. I felt ridiculous saying it, but I’m glad I did.

At another point in the evening we got on the topic of health and what not. I’m not really sure how but it’s a pretty common topic for us because we both eat very healthy and enjoy working out. I made some comment that if I quit this {drinking} I’d probably drop to my goal weight in a week. He asked me about how much I usually eat, what my diet consists of, that sort of thing. I was really hesitant to say anything. I usually just vague these things up because I know I don’t eat as much I should. I flat out told him I didn’t want to tell him how many calories I ate a day. He guessed anyways and told me I wasn’t eating enough. We both have this terror of getting fat, but I think this may be the first time he’s gotten an indication that I’m potentially eating disordered. I don’t think he’d think about it in those terms though. He’d probably just think about it as if I were going about weight loss not as efficiently. I’m terrified to eat more even though logically I know my body probably needs more calories because of the amount that I exercise. He spent a good while trying to encourage me to eat more to fuel my body properly. At the same he’s pretty adamant that I’m perfect the way I am and I don’t need to change a single thing about my body. I’m willing to try his way. Small steps though.
By the end of the night all the musicians that had been performing sat around and just started jamming together. It was pretty awesome to hear the impromptu performance with over a dozen different instruments all complimenting each other effortlessly.
I had a really good time. His sister is a blast, his friends were a lot of fun, I had a lot of good conversations. At the end of the night he told me I was a hit and everyone loved me. And that it was really cool of me that I wanted to come out even thought I didn’t know anyone. A lot of people would feel really uncomfortable. Truth be told, I’d go pretty much anywhere he asked me to go because I’d take it as a sign that he wanted my company. That’s what really matters to me.
I’m less interested in meeting these people for who they are, and more so interested that he wants to incorporate me more into his world. That doesn’t mean I’m not interested in these people, they’re just sort of secondary. Asking me to meet people that are important to him means he’s letting me into a closer place in his life. I’m important enough to him to want to share me with the people in his life. I’m not sure if this is normal or a “Borderline thing”.





9 comments:

  1. Men are retarded when at bars. To them, the only reason a woman is there is to hookup, not just to hang out and drink like they do. So if they talk to you, it's because they want to fuck you. And if you talk back, you want to fuck them too. Ridiculous, right? This is why I stick to pubs. No people grinding behind you, trying to weasel in. No terrible dance music. No drunken girl trying to make terrible conversation. Just good friends and good beer.

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    1. It makes me sad. Maybe especially so because I grew up with guys, as being one of the guys. Of course things changed once I got a little older but I've always resented that. And as a result I occasionally resent being female. I know there are good guys out there. I just don't get what's so terrible about striking up a conversation with a stranger for the sake of having a conversation. ::sigh::

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  2. Idk if its a borderline thing. Maybe. Cod's and borderlines are probably the ones with a low enough self esteem and history of dubious relationships to require displays of importance from their partners.

    My friend came over last night. I explained why I had said so many hurtful things to him recently (because I thought he might avoid me if I was mean, which he didnt) and he sweet talked him way into staying in my life. I told him it would work for awhile but I would need to be allowed to come to his house soon. This eternal punishment bs is a racket and Im not gonna keep falling for it. I do believe he cares, but I cant keep feeling like the Other Woman. I am pretty sure he has some heavily impaired empathy. He has no clue how hurtful it is for me.

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    1. ::sigh:: Why is it the most hurtful ones always know how to say the sweetest things? My Evil-Ex used to do that all the time. He'd push me too far, I'd get really angry, and then he'd be all sweet and meek. It's a game. It's manipulation. He's starting to sound like bad news =/

      Eternal punishment is not ok. Not ever. If someone is going to hold something against you forever then clearly there's always going to be a fissue, a wound, a crack for hurt to creep in. It goes both ways.

      He doesn't let you over his place? WTF?

      I know my empathy can be very impaired at times. Wrote about all of that a little while back. It wouldn't surprise me. It also wouldn't surprise me if it's even more profound in men. Keep your heart safe. I don't want you to get more hurt than you've already been.

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    2. Thanks. It does suck. I gave him an ultimatum yesterday and told him to take time and think on it. Meanwhile Im moving on. I know what his answer will be.

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  3. I think you handled the situation with that guy and tech boy perfectly. its a very good sign that he asked you how you would like him to handle future encounters and your response was perfect.
    I wouldn't dwell on the idiot who assumed showing him a tattoo equaled permission to touch you. thats bullshit.
    I have an eating disorder and I'm borderline mine is binge eating and along with medication side effects of weight gain I'm over 200. I used to turn heads but not these days. I wish I could limit my calories and understand your fear of getting fat as I've managed to do. I had the same fear but now have physical and medical problems that make working out like I used to hard now.
    I used to be a size ten and that looks good on me. I hope to get back there some day.
    eat what you are comfortable eating. if you think you are too low then maybe try adding a few more calories slowly.

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    1. Thank you. It's so wildly uncomfortable and out of my element to talk about these things that I kept feeling like I was overreacting or he'd think I was ridiculous for wanting him to say something.

      Eating disorders are so hard. My medication has actually inhibited my ability to purge so I've been trying to count calories even more compulsively and work out twice as hard. At the same time I do want to be healthier. It's a constant battle.

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  4. I often stand out as the goth girl in a country bar. True story.

    Sounds like you had a great time, except...

    I can't believe the frat-boy mentality of the guy who put his hands on you. It's a tattoo, asshole, not an invitation. You handled yourself well.

    I bet you get more invites to hang out with Tech Boy and his friends. You were a hit, as he said, and it's a big deal to a guy that his friends like the girl he's seeing. I'd say it earns you a gold star by your name. :)

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    1. It's funny. I argue with myself back and forth. I should wear this, I should wear that, but in the end I would still be wearing black. I can only be me and that's never going to be country haha.

      I really did have a great time though I think I'm getting too old to do the whole going to bed at 5a.m. and be up and moving by 9a.m..

      I think I'm too used to my alternative crowd friends. So many of us have tattoos and piercings that when we talk about them it's an actual conversation about meaning, technique, artists, style, etc. so when someone is just using it as an excuse to get inside my personal space I don't catch on quick enough =(

      I hope you're right. He seems to be wanting to spend more and more time with me. It's nice to be wanted.

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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