Friday, March 30, 2012

No Lucid Analysis Today


As you may have noticed from the title there’s no therapy rehash today. Therapist was sick and called to cancel my appointment. Of course, me being me, I didn’t answer my phone, or check my voicemail because answering my phone or checking my voicemail makes me really anxious. I did try to check to see who called, but I must have deleted it instead of dismissing it because the last person that looked like they called me was not Therapist so I thought nothing of it until I drove to her office and sat there. Then it dawned on me that I should probably check my messages because her door was open and her office dark. Damn it. So I had to sit through 3 dozen voicemails to get to the latest ones that I hadn’t heard. Some of them were from December. I would hear the voice and delete it as fast as I could so I didn’t have to listen to all the messages.

Long story short: Maybe I should ask Therapist if she can text me instead.

Anyways. I won’t have therapy next week either because I’m going to visit Sister and then Zoe! I’m so excited.

Tech Boy came over last night. I finally told him I’m in therapy. I was a little hypomanic  yesterday. I think it’s the upped dose of Pristiq making me all up and kind of goofy happy. It’ll settle down. Yeah, so I was just being goofy and chattier than usual and just sort of blurted out, yeah so Therapist cancelled my appointment which would have been nice to know earlier because then I could have gone to the gym. Oh, btw, that’s where I go on Thursday, I have therapy.
He just looked at me and was like, “What kind of therapy?”
“Just talk therapy.”
“Oh, that’s cool.” < ---- That was the response I was afraid of getting?!?! Geezus.
 I sort of explained how it helps me to have someone to talk to work through the things I’ve been through so I don’t bottle it up and explode. It’s nice to have someone I can hash stuff out with without dumping my problems on my friends or causing drama when my stuff involves people that we’re mutually involved with. Plus it’s nice to have an impartial 3rd part that’s paid to have my best interest in mind.
So yeah. I’m all worried that he’s going to judge me and be flipped that I have a therapist and the response I actually get from him is, “Oh, that’s cool”. I’m an idiot. This is why communication is important. Why doing things we’re often afraid to do is important. The way I work things up in my mind is always, always worse than how they turn out to be.

I’m going to pose a challenge to all my fellow Borderlines out there.

Challenge: Do one thing that you don’t think you can do. Do one thing that makes you afraid or causes you some anxiety because you’re unsure of the outcome.

Not something big, don’t just go dropping huge bombs all willy-nilly. Gotta work up to that stuff. Just try something small to start. Speak up about something that has been bothering you. Ask to do something you enjoy for a change. Collect yourself, keep your energy as calm as you can, and state something that you need or want and work it out instead of holding it in or bottling it up.  
Think about the reasons you don’t do that thing. Lock those reasons away. And do the damn thing anyways. Then compare how it actually turned out as opposed to how you were afraid it would turn out.
Odds are it won’t be nearly the terrible thing you thought it would be. Hold onto this experience. Just as one small proof to remind your Self that things aren’t always what we fear them to be.
Often the one that holds you back the most, is you.
I know this is true for me.  

14 comments:

  1. Told ya he wouldnt freak =P

    Therapy just doesnt have the stigma attached to it that it used to. Yes, individual diagnosis have those stigmas still, but people seeking help relating to life in a more healthy manner is generally looked upon as a good thing ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep you were totally right. I hate the needless worrying.

      I still haven't worked up the courage to tell him my individual diagnoses, diagnosi? diagnosises? whatever the fuck the plural is but one step at a time.

      Yay society becoming a bit more progressive.

      Delete
  2. i like your boyfriend!-can i borrow him? ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ::laughs:: There may be a bit of a waiting period on that one haha.

      Delete
  3. Hypomanic is the best. I'm nearly always hyopmanic. Although I don't think most people who I interact with would believe it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice. When I'm hypomanic is REALLY obvious. I'm super bouncy and perky and silly when I'm normally chill and collected. I love it. So much fun and good feeling.

      Delete
  4. Does anything in particular trigger hypomania? I've wondered that for awhile now, but can't seem to figure out specific circumstances that cause it...
    Adore the quote from the borderline haven. :) I struggle so much with that myself, the love v. codependence thing. That initial falling in love is so amazing I resist any implication its unhealthy. I want to put her first, I want to do things for her, its my way of showing love. I don't know but I think its the link to self esteem that's critical. If she doesn't let me help or love her like I want, is my self esteem still intact? If she's angry, distant or sad can I be happy and let her feel her feelings and understand that's her stuff? I think love is fundamentally unsafe and if you actually can accept that and go with it you are in love, if you want desperately to erase the uncertainty and can't tolerate it then you are more likely codependent.
    --chicadina <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hm. Sometimes if I'm in an environment that is so loud and busy that my other senses are overridden I will become hypomanic. Other times it seems like it's pretty random. So idk. Sometimes?

      The link to self-esteem I think is very critical. Hmmm, good things to think about.

      Delete
  5. chicadina person,,showing love is more to do with putting yourself out there ,,,risking rejection,,mental.emotioal.physical,,and being ok with it.You need to remember that a borderline needs a strong assertive just stable partner,,that can party like a whore,,so wise up friend,,coz you,re starting to sound like a chicadina yourself.The only thing you can pray for...is an equalibrium between turbulance and turbulance.xx

    ReplyDelete
  6. (skipping reading other comments until I writer this, lest i lose track of my thought) I'm not Borderline--not sure what flavor of abby-normal I am, but the "mental reaction movie" is a phenomenon i know all too well. I'm going to take your challenge the next time the gut says "go"--even tho my mind will try to over think & analyze....

    Idle wonder: will I have the potentially scary conversation thing w/ Husband Unit or That Guy @ Work? We'll see....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hate the mental reaction movies so much sometimes.

      Over thinking, over analyzing... it's no wonder really that heavy thinkers are so depressed.

      Delete
  7. Haven I'm so glad you said the thing about your voicemail. I hate checking my voice mail. It makes me anxious and when I do listen I skip through as quickly as possible and delete them. What's your thoughts on this? I am not in therapy. I have been referred in the past my gp's but then I've never gone back to those doctor's and have never followed up the referrals and was wondering if you ever discussed the phone thing with your therapist?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a light on my voicemail right now that has been blinking away for almost a week. It makes me so anxious to check.

      I have not yet brought this up with my therapist but I've been meaning to for a while because I want to see if she'll text me instead of leaving me voice mail.

      For me I think there are elements of stress, social pressure, and fear of change. I'm not really sure, but answering and talking on the phone just causes me all kinds of anxiety. I hate it. I'll have to talk to my therapist about this and see if we can figure it out. I'll post when I do.

      Delete
    2. Thanks...id be interested to hear. With the voicemail thing it leads to me not returning good friends calls for ages and ages even though I really want to speak to them. I moved countries last year and my friends back home try to contact me but I'm just terrible at getting back to them which causes further anxieties...I could turn my voicemail off but it's a catch 22...anxiety caused by seeing a number and not knowing who it was etc. Let me know how you get on... :)

      Delete

Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...