As you may have noticed from the title there’s no therapy rehash today. Therapist was sick and called to cancel my appointment. Of course, me being me, I didn’t answer my phone, or check my voicemail because answering my phone or checking my voicemail makes me really anxious. I did try to check to see who called, but I must have deleted it instead of dismissing it because the last person that looked like they called me was not Therapist so I thought nothing of it until I drove to her office and sat there. Then it dawned on me that I should probably check my messages because her door was open and her office dark. Damn it. So I had to sit through 3 dozen voicemails to get to the latest ones that I hadn’t heard. Some of them were from December. I would hear the voice and delete it as fast as I could so I didn’t have to listen to all the messages.
Long story short: Maybe I should ask Therapist if she can text me instead.
Anyways. I won’t have therapy next week either because I’m going to visit Sister and then Zoe! I’m so excited.
Tech Boy came over last night. I finally told him I’m in therapy. I was a little hypomanic yesterday. I think it’s the upped dose of Pristiq making me all up and kind of goofy happy. It’ll settle down. Yeah, so I was just being goofy and chattier than usual and just sort of blurted out, yeah so Therapist cancelled my appointment which would have been nice to know earlier because then I could have gone to the gym. Oh, btw, that’s where I go on Thursday, I have therapy.
He just looked at me and was like, “What kind of therapy?”
“Just talk therapy.”
“Oh, that’s cool.” < ---- That was the response I was afraid of getting?!?! Geezus.
I sort of explained how it helps me to have someone to talk to work through the things I’ve been through so I don’t bottle it up and explode. It’s nice to have someone I can hash stuff out with without dumping my problems on my friends or causing drama when my stuff involves people that we’re mutually involved with. Plus it’s nice to have an impartial 3rd part that’s paid to have my best interest in mind.
So yeah. I’m all worried that he’s going to judge me and be flipped that I have a therapist and the response I actually get from him is, “Oh, that’s cool”. I’m an idiot. This is why communication is important. Why doing things we’re often afraid to do is important. The way I work things up in my mind is always, always worse than how they turn out to be.
I’m going to pose a challenge to all my fellow Borderlines out there.
Challenge: Do one thing that you don’t think you can do. Do one thing that makes you afraid or causes you some anxiety because you’re unsure of the outcome.
Not something big, don’t just go dropping huge bombs all willy-nilly. Gotta work up to that stuff. Just try something small to start. Speak up about something that has been bothering you. Ask to do something you enjoy for a change. Collect yourself, keep your energy as calm as you can, and state something that you need or want and work it out instead of holding it in or bottling it up.
Think about the reasons you don’t do that thing. Lock those reasons away. And do the damn thing anyways. Then compare how it actually turned out as opposed to how you were afraid it would turn out.
Odds are it won’t be nearly the terrible thing you thought it would be. Hold onto this experience. Just as one small proof to remind your Self that things aren’t always what we fear them to be.
Often the one that holds you back the most, is you.
I know this is true for me.