Friday, March 2, 2012

Random Question

Question: Do you ever get really anxious when there's something you want to do but there's a tiny, itty bitty, remote, minute chance it could "inconvenience" someone? Even when you know, logically, that person probably won't care?


And by "inconvenience" I mean, not be some hypothetical "perfect" time or outcome that I've built up and  imagined but haven't actually talked about or set in stone.

Tech Boy is moving into his apartment today. I hadn't expected to see him tonight. But I made a comment about wanting to bake cookies in his new kitchen so his places smells awesome. No definite time or anything, but yanno, sometime. He replied quite naturally with, "That wouldn't be a bad idea. I should be all moved in by tomorrow afternoon." I'm not sure if those are stand alone statements or combined to let me know his kitchen will be ready by tonight.... my real problem... I want to go to the gym and run after work. I told him this, he doesn't care. I'd also like to get up early so I can repeat my crazy workout from last weekend. I'd get up early, let myself out, and he'd probably just roll over and go back to sleep. Done. I worry that since there's stuff I want to do, he'll have to "wait" for me, or he'll be disappointed that I don't want to lounge in bed all morning like we usually do. Or something. It makes me anxious. Really, really anxious that what I want to do will have some kind of time conflict and inconvenience him in some way. ::sigh::


This is really common for me. I'll rearrange my entire schedule to accomodate people. Or cancel what I really want to do if I don't think I can swing both things. Being late is a huge panic attack problem for me, but this isn't even about being late. I just, don't want to see that little look like something isn't enough. That small sigh when I could have had things done by 7:30p instead of 8p. I know none of this matters all that much, but I worry. I fret. I rush myself and work myself up into a panic running around to get everything squeezed in. I have a hard time fighting the mentality that my stuff is important too and that maybe, just maybe, it's ok for someone else to accomodate me. Oh hell, it's not even really a matter of accomodating so much as, just accepting that I have my own stuff I'd like to do that doesn't effect someone else one way or another. Meh.

6 comments:

  1. I think you're a very thoughtful and considerate person, and he's lucky to have you. (cookies?? How awesome!) I also think you should go to the gym and workout like you really want to. Be an independent woman and show him that you have your own life-it'll make him respect you more, plus if you're not there, he'll miss you and be eager to see you again!

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    1. Yeah I ended up going to the gym. He did give me an "aws ::sadface::" look when I got up haha, but he was ok with it. I like that thought that he'll miss me and be eager to see me again haha. Thanks =)

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  2. Cookies are the way to any real man's heart.

    It's possible for two choices to be positive. It would be nice for him to spend the morning in bed with you. It is nice that you are going to do a workout and that it is making you happy. Generally, people tend to want to make each other happy. As long as needs are being met it's all good and he is happy that you are happy.

    It's all good Haven. Maybe ask how you would feel in his shoes, actually I am curious. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

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    1. ::smiles:: I love to cook and bake. Especially for someone that appreciates it.

      Haha, well I never really want to get out of bed when I'm sleeping with him, but I definitely understand when he has things he needs to take care of and can't just lounge around all day. It's hard to kick that nagging feeling though. ::sigh::

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  3. Have you found any research between Aspergers and BPD? They seem so similar, I'm curious if people who do have Aspergers are more prone to developing BPD or if all people with BPD have Aspergers? You think the two might be tied together somehow?

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    1. I was asked something similar by someone else a few days ago. I'll tell you the same thing I told her:

      I'll be honest, I don't actually know a lot of about autism or aspergers. My therapist believes personality disorders belong on a spectrum of Dissociative Disorders. I'm inclined to agree with her.

      I do believe that a person with BPD has an impaired ability to see outside of themselves at times though. Probably more often than not. However I know that it is definitely possible for them to a see outside of themselves when emotional turbulence is a little more calm. I believe with autism and aspbergers there's no 'good days and bad days' in this area? It's basically always the same hindered ability, yes? So I guess with BPD it could often present as similar but it doesn't have the same consistency as autism/aspbergers.

      However they're all considered "Zero Empathy" disorders by some. Check out this post: http://downwardspiralintothevortex.blogspot.com/2011/12/zero-degrees-of-empathy-in-borderline.html

      Maybe in the future I'll take some time and do some research into this and make a series comparing and contrasting the two.

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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