I’ve been exhausted all week. I’ve been having anxiety about going to bed even more than normal. As a result I haven’t gotten much sleep. Not surprising. When I’m over tired, my ability to control my emotional state goes right out the window. Sleep is necessary.
Yesterday I was cranky and felt like my brain was in a fog, but despite all that I held up at work and got an incredible amount accomplished. That was all I had in my I guess. As soon as I got to therapy Therapist noticed how tired I was.
I told her, again, about my sleep anxiety, and how I’ve always hated sleeping alone. My distaste for sleeping alone is nothing new. I don’t know if this anxiety about actually going to bed is more recent in the last couple years, or if it’s always been there but I haven’t noticed. I’ve always had sleeping problems. Classic insomnia all through middle school and high school. Periodically through college. And it reoccurs when I’m stressed. Usually my brain speeds up, I can’t stop thing, rethinking, overthinking, ruminating, my thoughts race and I can’t call myself down enough to fall asleep.
I did eventually figure out a trick to help myself get to sleep. Want to hear it? It’s the geekiest thing in the world. So I love comic books and cartoons. When I was younger I would write my own stories, especially Batman and X-Men. Before I’d go to sleep at night I’d start thinking about the story line or things that would happen in that Universe. It was engaging enough for my imagination that I wouldn’t think about all other stuff that normally overwhelmed me and relaxing enough that I could actually fall asleep. I still do this sometimes.
But falling asleep hasn’t been my problem so much, it’s been actually getting my ass into bed. I sleep wonderfully when I’m sleeping with someone. Whether we’re romantically involved or not. Remember my best BPD friend #2? That was Riot. We would snuggle up and sleep together all the time. All the time. It was just comforting. For both of us. Therapist asks where Tech Boy’s been? I clearly have no problems when he’s with me. True, but we both work during the week. He gets up even earlier than I do. It wouldn’t really be conducive to getting much sleep = still not fixing the problem. Oh well. I sleep on the weekends.
Then we just started talking about our relationship. Where I see it going. How do we feel about each other. Blah blah blah. I couldn’t deal with it. I started to get really upset. Not even because anything is wrong, but I don’t have all the answers and I don’t want to start obsessing about whether or not he likes me enough or whatever. I actually don’t feel like I need to. I’m enjoying what we’re doing for the most part, even though I would like to see him more. But because our schedules have been so disjointed lately it’s just been difficult for me to hold onto my feelings. I can’t force myself to feel things. I have a lot of trust issues. A lot. As Therapist kept bringing up. But that’s not even it so much. I trust him as far as we go. I just, can’t hold onto how I feel if he’s not right there with me.
It’s funny though, what’s been not working for me and him in terms of that, has actually been helping my relationship with Roommate. When I don’t see Tech Boy I spend more time with Roommate. I feel like I’m internalizing her in a very real way. It’s fabulous. I just wish I could do that with Tech Boy. It makes me feel bad.
She kept going on about how maybe he doesn’t talk about his feelings with me, because I don’t talk about mine with him. Or maybe he’s picking up on my hesitation and holding back. She says guys are actually very protective of their hearts and their feelings. It’s not like I’m not very affectionate and all those things. It felt like she was saying it’s my fault we’re not all in love. And I’m sitting there like, why can’t we just like what we’re doing? Why does it have to be everything right now? He’s awesome to me, we like each other, we like spending time together, why does it have to go faster than it’s already going? It was very frustrating for me. I was getting upset very easily. Maybe it was good that I was getting upset, because Therapist doesn’t see me lose control very often and it might be good that she does.
Anyway so back to the trust issues thing. She asked me if I feel like I can really be myself with him? Well, no. I can in a lot of ways, but there are lots of things I feel like I can’t tell him. Like what? Like, how about my eating disorders? I mask all those issues with talk of being healthy, which I am, but I’m also obsessive about my body. I hate it. I hate how I look. Hate other people looking at me. If I’m not comfortable with myself I can’t even bring myself to go out in public. It’s a problem. I don’t see what other people see. She said that is obvious because I’m beautiful and I clearly have dysmorphic issues. Which we know. She asked me if I believe people when they give me compliments. I believe that they mean what they say. But that’s not quite the same thing as me believing what they are saying.
Ugh, so we’re having this catered gathering for my colleague that left. One of the supervisors is trying to arrange the food and wanted to know what I’d eat. He hands me a menu from a nice Italian place. The menu has plenty of things I could technically eat; zucchini sticks, eggplant parmesan, baked ziti, all sorts. None of which I want to touch. I don’t want to eat anything fried. I don’t want to eat a pile of carbs. I’m not going to be able to work out the way I normally do next week (Tattoo appointment tomorrow!). I can’t purge because of my medication (which I also can’t talk to him about). All I can do right now is count my calories and be very, very
obsessive diligent. Do you really think
this is a conversation I want to have with someone? They’ll think I’m nuts. Or
sick. I’m not sure which is worse.
And what’s worse is the supervisor and the guys I work with keep hounding me about it. I’ve told them repeatedly… REPEATEDLY… not to worry about me, I won’t eat that stuff, just get what they want and I’ll take care of myself. It took me two days to get him to stop, then today the other guys that weren’t around brought it up and were poking me about it again! Just stop people!
I don’t like being pressured like that. When I make up my mind about someone I mean it. I don’t like to be harangued. And again, I feel bad because I know he’s just trying to be polite, and I appreciate the effort but just stop. It makes me feel bad. Therapist says I’m not used to letting other people take care of me. I’m very Other-Directed. Very used to taking care of other people. Thinking about their need, what they want, before I even bother stopping to consider what I want or need. So when other people try and do things for me it makes me uncomfortable. This is true. Couple that with food and you have a maladaptive schema response + an eating disorder = a very chaotic mind. It’s upsetting. The whole while I have to grin and laugh it off so they don’t realize how much it all bothers me.
Therapist brought up the idea of the Enneagram.
The Enneagram is a highly sophisticated system of nine personality profiles that are meant to help us know ourselves and others “as we/they are to themselves”. Each type profile serves as a customized road map for on-going personal growth consistent with categories of modern psychological typology.
She said I embody two different personality types. She went on about The Giver (which is one type) but never told me what the other was. We’ll see next week. She’s going to let me borrow some tapes on those types.
Tapes? Yeah, she said tapes. I don’t even know if they make tape players anymore. We’ll find out next week.
My problems are so little as of late. It’s nice to be so drama free, but it makes me feel really silly about complaining about stuff. Which makes me feel guilty for not appreciating everything that is going right. This whole having emotions things is really obnoxious sometimes.
Then she went on about how I’m such a good person and how all the good I have about me now far outweighs anything I would perceive as bad. And it’s just, I just can’t see it. I don’t understand. She says it all the time, but it was making me really upset that I couldn’t see what she wanted me to see. I always feel like I’m disappointing her when I’m honest about that. We’ve done so much work but I still can’t see what she wants me to see. I feel like I’m letting her down in some way. But I’m not going to tell her what she wants to hear just so she feels better. That’s not the point of therapy. Yet again, it was making me very upset. ::sigh::
Fortunately I got a lot of sleep last night and today I feel much better.