Friday, May 4, 2012

Lucid Analysis: Trials in Therapy - Frustration in Therapy


Happy Star Wars Day! May the 4th, be with you ;) I'm a geek. It's ok. I know. What a stormy day. Literally. Not emotionally stormy. Though it kind of was yesterday.

Really I was just hung over and under rested = moody. Therapist was frustrating the heck out of me though.
She asked me how things with Tech Boy are going. When I replied with ‘fine’ she immediately jumped on the fact that I didn’t seem enthused. I definitely got a little snippy with my response of,  yeah, I don’t feel well and I’m exhausted, I’m not very enthusiastic about anything right now.
Question mark.
She kept asking me whether I felt like we were getting closer? Developing more of an emotional bond? I don’t fucking know. Unless he’s in the same goddamn room as me or actively texting me or something I’m not sure I even exist in his world anymore. In the moments we’re together I’m happy and I really enjoy being with him, but as soon as he’s gone it’s often like he’s no longer in my life. I can’t hold onto how I feel for long. And the fact that we haven’t had a chance to see each other as much lately hasn’t been helping the fact. We went out Friday night, had a wonderful time, he stayed over, woke up with him… absolutely wonderfully happy. It felt fantastic. By yesterday, I’m not so sure anymore. I remember that I felt that way, and I can recall a glimmer of what that felt like, which is good for me, but I don’t know.
She asked me if he felt an emotional attachment to me? If he loved me?  How the hell would I know? When it comes to figuring out how other people feel towards things external to me, what other people want and need, I’m really good at it. When it comes to figuring out how people feel about me? I have a tragically misconstrued perception of what goes on.
Clearly.
That’s why I always choose people that are so bad for me. Maybe not the only reason, but some of it.
Therapist wanted to validate my sense of perception. She says I’m very adept at understanding what other people need and filling that need. I see a hole in someone’s life and without even thinking about it I can be exactly what it is they need. She says I’m a wonderfully caring and nurturing friend. She asked me if I see that I’m a nurturing person. Again, I don’t know. I feel like I do what I know I need to do sometimes. Other times I do genuinely want to do things for other people though. So maybe. Sometimes. She says that everytime she sees me she thinks about how giving and caring I am. What a wonderful attribute it is. I don’t feel that way though. I feel cold, distant, closed off. Separate. Other.
She says maybe that’s why Tech Boy isn’t responding to me more intimately. He may be picking up on the idea that I seem closed off in some ways. So he is guarding himself and remaining not fully available. What I hear, is that it’s my fault he’s not in love with me and that our relationships isn’t at an emotionally deeper level. Does she think I don’t know that?
At which point my frustration got the better of me and I snapped at her a bit. Why do we have to be in love? Why can’t we just be enjoying whatever the hell it is that we’re doing? Why does it have to be more than what it is?
No, I don’t feel like I can completely be myself with him. He and I think differently. I have a very creative and quirky mind, he’s very down to earth and rational. We talk about tons of stuff and I’m never bored with him, but he also doesn’t challenge me or bring out my creativity. Am I supposed to decide now if that means he’s long term material or just a transitional relationship? Why do I have to?
Therapist was very intent on understanding my feelings for him and how they’ve differed from other people. Is my connection with him similar to what I had with say, Friend? Close? Very different? Yes, it’s very different. With Friend my connection to him was almost instantaneous. From the moment we started talking regularly our minds and imaginations were in sync. We could talk about anything and everything and be as wildly silly or serious as we wanted to be. I never felt judged, or like he wouldn’t understand what I was talking about because he’d been through so much of what I have been. That intellectual and creative interest is what really sparked that intense emotional intimacy between us. I don’t have that same thing with Tech Boy.
Therapist recognizes this is true but she wants me to keep in mind that it doesn’t mean he’s not good for me. True. He treats me well, he’s been wonderful to me, he wants to be with me, I just, I don’t know.
Those are the things that Therapist wants me to keep in mind. Those things, along with the attractive spark is what a healthy relationships should be. Those things that I have with Tech Boy, I never had with Friend. She believes Friend completely took advantage of our emotional intimacy. He had a big gaping hole in his heart and in his life where his wife was abusing him, but instead of working on their problems, he let me fill that gap instead. I was there to give him the caring, love, and support he wasn’t getting from his wife. In his selfishness he took advantage of the fact that I could be what he needed, but wasn’t getting. But he never looked out for me. He never paid attention to how I was feeling or how our relationship would affect me. Instead of seeing how close and attached I was and recognizing that it was moving to a level beyond just friendship, and stopping it, he continued to take, and take from me. Instead of shielding me from being hurt, he abandoned me when things changed. He never had any intentions of leaving his wife (which I never expected of him – I really think Therapist doesn’t understand what was going on with this sometimes), but he always lead me to believe that he had a polyamorous approach to love and that he could love in a capacity that was not limited to one person. But not me, I guess. He manipulated how I felt to fulfill his own needs, until it was no longer conducive to the life he needed to lead. He didn’t care enough to not hurt me.
Which definitely does not seem to be a problem with Tech Boy. We’ve had one incident and he was more upset about it than I was.
Amusingly, Therapist thinks we might not have enough conflict in our relationship. I had made a comment that I probably wouldn’t know just how strongly I felt about him until the relationship was about to end. If it were to end. I always feel stronger about people when there is conflict. Which is probably why I was so attached to The One, and Evil-Ex, and yeah, even Friend. Those relationships were in constant conflict with what I needed. Which also, isn’t healthy.
Friend was not right for me. He said he cared, but his actions showed otherwise. Tech Boy doesn’t really talk about his feelings, but I feel cared for when he’s with me.
She went on a complete rant about Friend. She thinks a lot of the reason I’m unable to open up and be vulnerable and need Tech Boy is because of the abandonment trauma I just experienced with Friend. I wish she had known me longer. I wish I had had longer, continuous therapy with one therapist so that she could understand that all of this is not just the result of Friend.
I mean, he didn’t rape me, or try to kill me, so comparatively speaking he wasn’t the worst person I’ve been involved with. How sad is it that, that is my standard of measurement? Yeesh.
Yes, Friend is a jerk, which is why we’re no longer friends. He was cold and indifferent to me when finally faced with what he was doing to me and instead of talking to me, and at the bare minimum being considerate of my feelings; he said it was too much effort to discuss. The only time we’ve ever had direct conflict and it’s too much. But me having to deal with his constant stream of issues and his wife’s overwhelming bullshit is just par for the course? Asshat.
I KNOW my choice in companions is flawed. ::sigh:: Which I suppose is why Therapist is trying to get me to see things that are more healthy, things that I have now. She made me talk through a sheet of “Questions to ask yourself throughout your relationship” in regards to Tech Boy. She said she’d give me a copy of it next week. I’ll post them then. That’s when she brought up the idea that there might not be enough conflict between us. We’ve had one conflict. One. And it brought us closer, despite my fear that it would drive him away. But otherwise, he’s so laid back, and I’m so self-reliant we just don’t have anything to fight about. And, get this, I don’t want to just cause conflict. That doesn’t sound like a good idea either. But she wants me to make more of an effort to be true to who I am.
She wonders if I do certain things because I like them, or if it’s because other people need them. If the latter is the case, then I may not know who I really am. Who my true self is. Especially not in relation to other people. I think it’s a bit of a mix. I have a very strong personality. I know what I like, but I also adapt to what others like/want/need as well. If someone wants something that is in too much opposition to what I value, than no, I won’t bend. But if it’s something that I don’t have strong feelings about, I’m likely to pick it up for their sake, not mine. I think people in general do a lot of this.
I was so tired, and so frustrated by the end of the session. Therapist actually hugged me. She doesn’t do it often, but apparently she felt I needed a hug. She was probably right.


5 comments:

  1. Is there a post on this site about what you went through in your family that caused your BPD? I'm interested in that, but I'm not sure what topic to look under. Thanks. :D

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    1. I don't think it was just environmental issues that caused by BPD. It's a mixture of environment and biology. All of that is scattered through many different posts. I'm still figuring some of it out. There's no exact spot in my childhood that I can point to and say there, that's it.

      The greatest concentrations of familial explainations are probably in my Lucid Analysis series and in my Schema breakdowns.

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  2. really enjoy reading this, thank you

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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