Friday, June 15, 2012

Lucid Analysis – Trials in Therapy: Changing doesn’t mean Ending


Therapist sprung a little surprise on me yesterday. She’s graduating me to sessions every other week. I’ve been with her for about a year and a half now. I started at two sessions per week. I’ve been doing one per week for the last year, and now she thinks I’m ready to go to just one (slightly longer) session every other week.  She says I’ve made an enormous amount of progress in the last year and a half, I’ve had some setbacks but they haven’t been major, and I have created a very stable support system in Tech Boy and my current circle of friends so I seem to be in a place where we can try this out and see if it’s enough. She sees the effort I put into my treatment and is really proud of the work I’ve accomplished. And of course, if I need to see her more often I can always go back to once a week.


Thank goodness. I’m a huge fan of therapy but man does it take a lot of time. I’m excited that I’ll be able to increase my workout time on some Thursdays again.  

The news did kind of make me hold back in therapy yesterday because I didn’t want to disappoint her and worry her. I’ve been really depressed this week. Really depressed. I haven’t been sleeping well and everything seems to be going wrong.

Roommate was gone Friday and I was home alone, it was so much harder than it should have been. I was so alone and so afraid of going to sleep I stayed up until I couldn’t possibly stay up any longer.  Most of Saturday was spend by myself until I went out with Roommate and her bf later that night. Which was a lot of fun… except for the mild annoyance of the random older guy hitting on me ceaselessly. My tolerance for small talk isn’t very high. I’m pretty anti-social when I’m not feeling well. I have about 10 minutes worth of energy for people I’m not interested in relating to and after that I just get annoyed. For as amusing as I find it, I also get sick of hearing wow you’re cute, alternative, AND smart. Like it’s so unusual for attractive women to be intelligent? Bleh.

Had a late night diner binge which I’ve regretted ever since. Bleh. Everyone was hungry and I couldn’t say no.

Sunday was nice, went out to see Prometheus with Tech Boy, Roommate/her BF, Doc/his GF (my soon to me roommate) and then we went out to dinner after. Therapist is completely right. I have a truly fantastic group right now. Very stable, solid people. This, probably more than almost anything, is probably why I’ve been making so much good progress. It’s really important to get rid of the negative influences that create all the anxiety and tension.

Sunday night I slept terribly which is unusual because I usually sleep better with Tech Boy. Monday was the worst. I woke up in the middle of the night with racing, ruminating thoughts about Friend. He still has some of my geek stuff (light saber electronics worth about $100). I could not stop my brain from freaking out about how he might use my stuff, or demand that I come collect it myself and all the various ways that he could make trouble for me. Getting my stuff back from him was the most important thing in the world. Not letting him have anything that was mine was all I could think about. I was furious and anxious all night and all morning.  I couldn’t calm down until I was able to get ahold of a “mutual” friend and he agreed to collect my stuff next time he was over. I say “mutual” because he’s a good friend of mine that has to tolerate them due to the fact that they host practices at their place.

I belong to the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA) and one of the specific groups that I’m friends with all belong to it as well. It’s the group that I go camping with every year and have big events with throughout the year, etc. This is how I know Friend and his wife. So we have a lot of friends in common. One of the things that I’ve been continually resentful about is that his wife holds weekly practices at their house (though they no longer participate) because it allows them to remain focal. And anyone not in their good graces is pretty much forced to not participate. That means I can’t see or hang out with a bunch of people I like because I won’t go over there.



Something else that was extremely sad for me was that I informed Roommate and this buddy that I wouldn’t be taking our group vacation this year. Zoe’s bachelorette party overlaps and the wedding is the week after so that’s my priority and I don’t have enough vacation for everything. But even if I did, I haven’t had much fun for the last 4 years and I really, really believe it’s best for my mental health to take a break from the politics and dramatic bullshit that is a constant source of stress. At the same time I’m worried that if I don’t go people will forget about me, which will give Friend and his wife the opportunity to turn people against me. Maybe this is just my paranoia. Maybe not. I’ve seen them do this to many other people so I know my paranoia is at least a little justified. Both Roommate and my buddy are sad that I won’t be  going but they both completely understand because they feel the exact same way about it (even the same way about Friend and his wife) but they’re more invested and involved so they still find more enjoyment in the group/vacation. It took me a long time to really make this decision and it’s caused me a lot of anxiety because it’s breaking a pattern that I’ve had for 6 years now. I don’t deal well with change and there’s just a lot of change happening right now.

Especially since Roommate is moving out in two weeks. Two weeks! I almost can’t believe it. Just trying to talk about this in therapy choked me up and made the tears well up in my eyes. I’m terrified of losing Roommate. She means so much to me. I know, I know this won’t end our friendship or anything like that. We’ll still see each other and hang out all the time. We actually have a very strong relationship. Strong AND healthy, can you believe it?  Which is why I’m scared (which let me tell you how much I hate admitting that) and so sad that she’ll be gone.

I’ve been seriously down and depressed all week and I was afraid Therapist would take this as a bad sign.
Best change ever, am I right? 
However, Therapist thinks this is a good thing! I’m feeling very natural and appropriate emotions for the situation I’m in. I’m feeling them. Not detaching from them. Not dissociating from them. Because I am feeling them when they are happening I can work through them in the moment. For me, this is huge. Very important and a definite sign of progress.

Yay me. Therapist is proud of me. I’m proud of me too. But at the same time, it sucks because I’m fucking sad! My best friend is moving out and I’m going to miss her terribly!  Woohoo getting to feel my sadness and cry at appropriate times.

That’s something that I think is important to remember. Even when healing and becoming mentally healthier, things will still cause you pain. Because life, at times, isn’t always the happiest thing. However, it’s not some big traumatic event and I’m not dissolving in a fear of abandonment and that our friendship will end and be irrevocably unrepairable and different because she’s taking a very healthy step for herself. It’s sad, but at the time, I know it will be okay. It’s a change. Life changes. And it’s going to be okay.

What’s more. Doc’s Girlfriend is going to be moving in with me and that’s going to give me the opportunity to spend more time with a woman I really like, more time with a friend that I’m so happy I will get to see more often, and I will be able to develop an even stronger, and healthy, relationship with them as well. So even in the sadness and unpredictable change of the future, there’s still potential for a lot of awesome.

Plus, Doc and his Girlfriend, and Roommate and her boyfriend all really like each other. Roommates boyfriend and I have been getting closer as well and he’s really excited to have this cool group of friends too. So it’s like I’ve pulled together a bunch of people that all really enjoy each other’s company and have a good time together which is very reassuring because it seems pretty obvious to me that even though things are changing it doesn’t mean things are ending.  I shouldn’t forget Tech Boy either. They all really like him too. And what’s more. Therapist really likes him. He’s almost opposite of me emotionally. He’s very steady, very down to earth. I’m clearly pretty erratic at times and I often have my head in the clouds, but he’s good to me and he likes me.

Therapist says he’s interdependent. Which about the best thing that you could hope for in a healthy relationship. He clearly cares about me, but he’s not clingy or controlling… he’s not codependent. He’s confident and secure in our relationship. He doesn’t need to know my every move and he’s okay with not spending every second of every day with me. It’s weird for me. I’ve gotten so very used to these unhealthy relationships where the men in my life are so insecure and controlling in some way that it feels weird for me that he’s not. He’s not constantly on my back for attention I’m not always sure how to interpret it. If I’m honest it makes me a little insecure because for me, the unhealthy dependence that I’m used to also corresponds to a more constant source of attention which in a backwards way is kind of a validation that they’re always thinking about me. It’s hard for me to reconcile sometimes. Smothering = attention, caring: leaving me alone = not caring about me, not remembering me. That’s how I’ve always felt. That’s what The One and Evil-Ex would do to an extreme. That’s not a healthy way to look at it though.


Interdependent. That’s the balance that we should be looking for. Security in the relationship and respect for each other’s space.  Crazy.

5 comments:

  1. how do you compair yourself to a "normal" person?
    and how big of an impact does borderline have in your life?
    in your life's goals work and other relationships?
    (offtopic sorry)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well I guess I'd have to start off with: I don't compare myself to a normal person at all. Personality Disorder aside, I'm not very interested in being normal. I'm interested in being healthy.

      Borderline PD has definitely had a hugely negative impact on much of my life. Interestingly it's also helped me in some respects as well.

      In terms of relationships it's been almost nothing but negative and very hurtful for me. It's caused me a lot of pain and a lot of torment. It's made having a functional romantic relationship and functional relationships with my family very turbulent. Things with my family are good now but I'm still working on learning to build trust with other people in a healthy way.

      Nothing really stops me in achieving academic/career/hobby sort of goals I have. It does impact how I'm able to achieve them though. Counterintuitively my anxiety and compulsive behaviors actually helped me academically in certain respects.

      BPD effects most aspects of my life in certain ways, but at the same time who I am is not determined by it. It's complicated I guess.

      Delete
  2. you changing into a robot would be a serious turnoff haven
    say just the way you are )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ::smiles:: Thank you. No robots for me. I just want to be less traumatized and less depressed. I want to get rid of the awful symptoms of my PD. The base of who I am, what makes up my actual personality, that stuff I'm actually pretty happy with.

      Delete
    2. i've turned a frown upside down more than once i i like doing that

      Delete

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