I’m sorry Dear Readers. I’ve been kind of a physically and mentally sick mess this week. It happens. And when it does I have to prioritize what little energy I have into doing what I really need to take care of. Life stuff. Getting my job done. Getting my bills and utilities taken care of. You know, the boring life stuff. But at least I’m not homeless ::sigh::
Therapy tonight. I’ve been suppressing my emotions. Suprressing? Repressing? Whatever. I’ve been not feeling. Not any more. I know it’s suppose to be good for me. I have a dissociative problem and feeling my feelings when I experience them is what I’m supposed to do. … but yanno what… it fucking sucks sometimes.
Feelings are so bloody painful. I feel like I have razorblades dragging through my heart right now and all the tears in the world won’t wash away my sadness. I don’t think people understand what I would give to be able to get out of my own head. Anything. My left kidney. Most of my liver. Take them. Just let me escape this heartache. It hurts so much.
Therapist says I’m grieving. All I know is that it hurts and I don’t want to feel it anymore. I spent the last hour and a half trying unsuccessfully to not cry and as soon as I left that’s all I could do. I didn’t even realize I was holding so much back. I didn’t. I thought I was just with things just fine. But when I start to choke up and cry the second I start talking about something it’s a clear indicator that I haven’t been dealing at all. I’ve been avoiding the feelings I should be facing.
I’m so sad. It’s so hard. I just want to be normal and not hurt when normal life things occur. I swear I don’t want to feel this way. Everything hurts so much sometimes. Everything feels like it hits me so hard. It’s no wonder I shut down. No one can deal with such a flood of emotions without some kind of life preserver.
I know how helpful therapy is for me, but there are days when I really wish I could just not feel anymore.
At least now I know and am trying desperately to tell myself that I won’t always feel this way, I even believe it, but I still can’t help but wonder if people understand how much it can hurt to have this sort of heart with this sort of head.