Lucid Analysis - Trials in Therapy : Never doing that again
Ugh. It’s been a terrible week for me. Terrible. My awful week
started last Thursday.
Thursday: Tech Boy and I took Friday off from work to go to the
Mayhem Tour (think Slayer, Slipknot, Motorhead, As I Lay Dying, Whitechapel,
etc.). Thursday night we drove out of state to visit his friends who we were
then going to the concert with the next day. We had horrendous storms Thursday
evening. We attempted to tailor our driving schedule to miss the storm. Yeah,
that didn’t work. So.
I have some legitimate PTSD when it comes to driving in inclement
weather. My brother and I were in a very bad car accident when we were at
University. For years afterward it was very difficult for me to drive,
especially for me to drive with other people. I’ve gotten much better in the
past couple years. Really, I have. When the weather is bad and I’m not driving
however… I still have severe anxiety, I jerk involuntarily, my heart races, and
I feeling like I’m in impending and immediate danger, especially when someone drives too fast, brakes too
slowly, takes turns too quickly, hydroplanes in a lane filled with water nearly
giving me a bloody heart attack. It’s not funny. It scares me out of my mind.
So by the time we got to his friend’s house (who lives with his parents and
brother that I’ve never met) I was incredibly stressed out. Of course I had to supress
this because I didn’t want to look act like I just had a panic attack to some
guys parents that I’ve never met.
Starving. Couldn’t get food until much later. Also, exhausted.
Exhausted, starving, stressed, and panicked. Yet, I pulled it together. Later
we met a couple dozen of his friends at a local bar. I wasn’t drinking. Didn’t
want too. Didn’t want to make my emotions worse. I think this was responsible
Some of his friends are okay. Some of them I’m not interested in.
Some of them I flat out want nothing to do with. In a nutshell, some of them
think racism is “funny”, but I’m not amused and I won’t pretend that I am
either. (Here's the long version). I was in a really sticky position because I have very strong beliefs on
this. I won’t just keep my mouth shut to make it less awkward for the assholes
makings me uncomfortable. On the other hand I was in an unfamiliar environment.
I didn’t want to alienate myself from his less repulsive friends or embarrass him.
Not to mention he was drinking A LOT. And smoking. So he was outside for a
smoke half of the night leaving me alone at the bar half the night. Cuz yanno,
it’s fun to sit by myself in completely unfamiliar places surrounded by people
I’ve never met before. Wait.
By the time we got back to the place we were staying he was super frisky. I just
wanted to sleep. For the first time ever in our 10 month relationship I
declined sex. He immediately got really defensive. We got into a big fight
about his friends. He flipped from let’s have sex to you hate everyone. He
accused me of not liking any of his friends. Which isn’t true. Some of his
friends are okay, others are not, mostly I haven’t had any significant amount
of time to get to know them yet because
I have severe trust issues and it takes a long time for me to warm up to people.
I did have another legitimate problem with one of his friends from back home
because that friend told me to my face I only got my high level engineering
position at a respected institution because, and I quote, “I have tits”. Not
because I have multiple engineering degrees, not because I had years of
experience in my field, not because I’m I fucking rocket scientist, nope, I
have boobs. Totally can’t see past these puppies. Yeah, little pissed about
that one, and no, I don’t want to hang out with that jerk.
Seriously. During my fabulous adventures in Abusive Relationship
Land I’ve learned that my life is better when I don’t surround myself with
assholes. A lot better. Choosing people that don’t invalidate you, who have
positive qualities and energy, that are supportive, and appreciate you for you,
not just what you can do for them, are the kinds of people that are important
to have around. Times a million for those of us hypersensitive to negative emotions.
I didn’t just spend the last few years purging my life of the destructive
relationships I’ve had to start introducing new ones. No, I won’t.
So he promptly passes out cold and I spend the next few HOURS
crying, hyperventilating, wanting to flee, break up with him, never speak to
him again, certain this is never going to work. Ever. Until somehow I manage to
fall asleep for 3 hours because we had to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to
go drink beer in a parking lot hours before the gates even opened. Awesome.
Maybe I’m getting old. Drinking shitty beer, with crappy people,
in 100 degree humid weather, when I’ve physically nauseous from stress and
anxiety isn’t exactly what I consider a party these days. Crazy. I know.
Fast Forward a few hours. I did eventually have a few glasses of
wine because it got to the point where I needed help coping. I didn’t actually
want to drink. I wanted nothing to do with alcohol. There was no other means
for me to escape though. And miraculously, it helped. I started to instantly
feel better as soon as my brain started shutting down. Not good.
So we were standing around outside, not near the mosh pits, not
anywhere near the bands on stage, in a nice rec area, when some clod of a drunkard is fucking around with his buddies and smashes into me, stomps on
my ankle, and knocks me around. Yeah, I screamed at him hard. I didn't even think, I just exploded. Fortunately Tech Boy's buddies just
thought I was hardcore for not being a pussy, so I guess that worked
Finally it’s time to sit down and watch the main stage line up. I
was exhausted, stressed out, unhappy, all the while trying to pretend that I’m
not absolutely and utterly miserable. Tech Boy had gotten up to get me water. I
took two sips of it when someone behind me throws their nearly full 24 oz. can
of beer hits me with it, hard, knocking my water out of hand and bruising me
pretty good. Not five minutes later someone in front of me threw back their cup
of beer and completely doused me in the face, all down my clothes with beer. I
held it together for a bit longer but as soon as the music got really loud and
everyone around me was on their feet screaming to the bands, I lost it. There
was just no holding in the misery after that and I sobbed uncontrollably until the
last band was nearly done. The girl next
to me noticed but I waved her off. Tech Boy standing next to me didn’t notice
at all. I was falling apart right next to him and he didn’t notice.
I was in a crowd of thousands of people and there was not one
person with me.
By the time we got home Saturday I was barely able to deal with
humanity. We were supposed to go to a tattoo convention – the one thing I
wanted to do that weekend – but I just couldn’t. I was so sad, and so
frustrated, because I really, really wanted to go, but I knew I was beyond my
ability to deal with crowds. So bummed out.
That was the point where I finally had to tell Tech Boy just how
upset I was. He knew I had been unhappy but he’d been hoping I would snap out
of it and cheer up? Right. So I had to tell him. At the concert he had
apologized for our fight the night before. But he didn’t realize just how awful
I was really feeling and he seemed genuinely upset by it.
Know how I talked about psychosomatic illness earlier this week?
Yeah that happens to people without mental health issues too. He made himself
physically sick because he felt like he’d failed me as a boyfriend. So he says.
He was my host in an unfamiliar place and he essentially abandoned me. He
immediately started trying to make up for it even more. Being extra cuddly
(which he is normally), staying over more, wanting to get my friends together
to go out East to the wineries… I just want mellow though.
And honestly, I’m still in kind of distanced place. I was so
upset, and so hurt Thursday night. I really wanted nothing to do with him
anymore. It got a little better the next day and has been getting better slowly,
but I’m still a little uncomfortable with him. It’s taken me days and days to de-stress
from those two days. Therapist could very easily see how I was distant and
detached in therapy. I’ve felt distanced from him, guarded, not as comfortable.
It’s happened before. It takes time to get back to a better place, but it
always feels like something has broken a little. My feelings never quite go
back to the place they had been previously. There’s always some loss. Right now
I’m really confused and doubting whether this is a relationship I need to be
His drinking worries me too. Not the everyday, just having a few
beers, but when he has A LOT to drink like 15-16 beers, that’s when things get
bad for us. The only times we’ve had any real conflict, only time he’s hurt me
or been cruel, has been when he’s had an excessive amount to drink. I can't always be sure I'll be safe with him at that point. That's a problem.
Therapist thinks I need to talk to him about this. About his
friend that insulted me as well. As my significant other he shouldn’t stand for
people insulting me. She thinks he needs to make better choices regarding his
friends and who he brings into our life. I don’t know what right I have to ask
him to choose anything. I’m not going to tell him who or who not to hang out
with. He can do what wants. That doesn’t mean I have to go with him though.
Which he’s told me is frustrating for him. He wants to include me in hanging
out with his buddies, but I don’t want to compromise myself by being around
people that are shitty to me. I don’t know what to do about it. Therapist
thinks I really need to talk to him about it though.
...I don't think we're having enough sex.
“We need to talk”. Does that phrase ever signal anything pleasant?
No one says, “We need to talk… I made too many chocolate chip cookies and I
just can’t figure out what to do with them all.” It’s always followed by
anxiety and usually a lot of tears on my part. Ugh.
I like him a lot. Most of the time he’s really good to me, and I
know he cares about me. Right now I’m confused. I feel distant. It’s hard for me to reconnect when I’ve had
such a hard disruption in my feelings.
Therapist pulled out her Wheel of Something or Other. She asked me
to describe how I felt about him in our relationship when I was so miserable. "Elsewhere". That’s the only word that came to mind. I’m pretty much his first
real girlfriend so he hasn’t ever learned all the social cues that couples
develop and carry with them. I just don’t know if I can deal with having to
teach him, which sounds condescending, and isn’t how I mean it. I don’t expect
anything to be perfect, but while he’s discovering what it’s like being in a
solid relationship, I’m getting hurt because he stumbles pretty bad. I’m trying
very hard to communicate what I need, and let him know when things aren’t okay,
but it’s hard to prepare for things I don’t know if he knows or not.
I also feel guilty when he feels terrible for making me feel bad. How’s
that for sense? I empathize with his distress when he distress me and don’t
want him to be distressed because I feel guilty for not being “tough enough” to
deal with it without being hurt by it so he doesn’t have to feel bad. I’m
pretty sure somewhere I think it would be easier to be a robot, but I suspect
sex wouldn’t be so much fun.
I’ve been so numb and detached. I retreat to a place inside where
people can’t approach me. Every time it feels harder and harder to reconnect.
Therapist asked about xRoommate and if we’ve been keeping in
touch. We have, quite a bit. She left for the vacation we usually take together
last weekend and will be gone through the 14th. I’m not going on our
vacation this year to avoid a lot of unnecessary anxiety and because I’m the
Maid of Honor in Zoe’s wedding (my best friend –also BPD – form University). I
need to be back with her the 10th – 18th for the
Bachelorette Party, wedding rehearsal, making the wedding [cup]cakes, and of
course the wedding. We have lots to do so that’s where my vacation time is
going. And to be true, I am REALLY, REALLY looking forward to it. I’m so
I’m going broke trying to make every last little obsessive detail
perfect for her.
But I miss that I won’t get to see xRoommate. This annual vacation
is time I really enjoy spending with her. Especially since I hate that I don’t
feel quite so close to her, even though we still talk and hang out. It’s just,
the same old issues. I don’t know how to fix it. When I don’t see people, I
start to lose my sense of permanency in their lives. I hate it. It isn’t quite
so bad with her or her boyfriend. I really love them. And they are really good
about reassuring the strength of our relationship. It helps. I just want to
wake up one day and not feel like I’m hanging onto the people I care about by a
thread. Especially when my brain knows
the feeling is bullshit!
Distance, it’s everywhere right now.
Something else. There’s
something important that Therapist and I discusses and for the life of me I can’t
remember what it was right now. I specifically remember thinking I needed to
remember it for this post. Damnit. Check back later. Maybe I’ll remember.