Tuesday, August 21, 2012

My apologies!

Hello Dear Readers,

Accurate. 
So I feel I must apologize. I wanted to post today and get back on track, but as I mentioned yesterday... I'm going to be moving shortly. My psycho invasive spying landlords, that watch our every move and listen in on all our conversations {so says she} have been extremely rude to my Roommate Monroe. Though when I went to talk to them all smiles and professional engineering voice, their attitude was extremely different. I have to say I did feel pretty manipulative as I smoothed over the situation. They're don't like her, but they'd love for me to stay (apparently there's a hidden clause in our lease that says we're not allowed to have someone over for more than two days in a row? Really? Sorry mom. Okay, our bad). I don't care though. Not allowed to have someone over more than two days in a row? Really? I'm a 31 year old woman! You don't get to tell me I'm not allowed to have whoever the fuck I want to have over. We're clean. Very quiet. We always pay our rent on time. That's all the information about our lives you're allowed to have. Period. 

I've been ruminating ceaselessly on the things I'd like to say to this woman. About the drugs her son and his little friends do outside my door. The screaming we constantly hear from them. The obnoxious rap music I can't hear my own television over emanating from her sons room. Trash. Utter trash. Sometimes I'm glad I ruminate without end. It allowed me to run over all the destructive, impulsive things I would like to have said. The things hanging off the ends of my fucking teeth I want to scream at this overbearing loon. ::deep breath:: Instead, it allowed me to figure out what I should say. Politely. Civilly. Tactfully. I was prepared. So okay, the angry thoughts were still there, but the angry thoughts didn't come out. 

We went apartment hunting on Sunday. We found the cutest town house in a beautiful gated community with an absentee landlord. Score! So I spent most of this morning charming the realtor; getting as much financial information to her as humanly possible (she's thrilled and thought my compulsive organization was funny) and organizing Monroe's information too. She's told us with 99.9% certainty that we're in and we can sign the lease by the end of the week, and be ready to move in by the 1st. So as you can probably imagine I've been on the verge of panicky, slightly hypo-manic, and extremely distractable. 

I've also been doing something I absolutely hate. Hate hate hate. Managing my finances. I hate money. I just want to know that I have enough to live. I was EXTREMELY impulsive when I went back home for Zoe's Bachelorette Party and Wedding. I have no restraint when it comes to people I'm that attached to. Even though cognitively I know I'm stable and fine financially, I'm still freaking out quite hard. 

I went back, worked out a budget, updated my 401a and my old 401k. I need to roll over my 401k into my 401a. I'm so glad my brother likes financials. He's so good at this stuff. I hate it. It makes my eyes cross. It takes me a REALLY long time to push myself and motivate to do this sort of thing. Even thinking about money makes me anxious. He gave me excellent advice, but he didn't do it for me. I'm glad he didn't. 

Because. 

I got it all done. I actually feel pretty good about myself for having taken care of all of this and figuring out how to maneuver my stock portfolio. Heh. You'd think I was a functional professional adult. Having his advice was invaluable and I'm incredibly appreciative, but I'm also glad I worked out how to read and interpret this stuff. Now I'll be able to do it myself in the future. 

Something I've noticed though. As long as I have a task, as long as I have something to focus on, an end goal to reach, that I can throw myself at, throw myself into, I don't panic as hard as I used to. I may still be stressed to all hell, but if I can shift my focus and throw my anxiety into something constructive I don't seem to be self-destructing. 

Before I might have freaked the F*ck out, broken shit in anger, screamed my lungs out, put my fists through walls, and devastated the feelings of everyone around me. Unconstructive, unfocused anger. These past few days I've thrown myself into house hunting, gone running (really amped my mileage), organized compulsively, spoken with and really, really appreciate the support of the friends that have stepped in  to help and offer encouragement, and generally handled this like a decent functional human being. Hell, I've even talked to my brother and my mother without freaking out! What is happening to me! 

::smiles:: 

I never would have handled things like this even two years ago when I started this blog. So that's why I didn't have a post for you today. Life stuff. Too much life stuff. Life stuff that needs to be handled. Life stuff that I think I'm actually handling quite well. 




Fun Fact: The realtor lady we're working with totally thinks Monroe and I are lesbians. I've only ever referred to her as my roommate, but when we were discussing financials she often referred to her as my "partner" =). Okay, so we're not partners, but yay for lifestyle tolerance!









3 comments:

  1. sounds like it could be really good move :) best of luck

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wishing you so much luck and yay for staying calm. Better than I would have done, probably! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Nice site. I started reading a little while ago when you were on vacation. Hope to chat soon.

    ReplyDelete

Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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