Saturday, August 4, 2012

The Sadness Remains - Push Pull in action

Preemptively cancelled plans for last night. Cancelled my plans for today too. Tech Boy has been apologizing profusely and trying to make up for the last weekend we had. I absolutely believe he's sincere but I'm still upset by the situation.We were supposed to have plans to go out today. He's been suggesting all kinds of things he (justifiably) thinks I'd like. I had also mentioned a possible beach day, but specifically said what we did would depend on how I was feeling tomorrow and wanted to figure it out then. (Meaning today)

Went out with Doc to see Recall waaaayyyy too late last night. I didn't really want to but Roommate Monroe didn't want to go so I felt bad that he'd have to go by himself so I agreed.  Got to bed late. Couldn't wake up at 7 when I wanted to, in order to do the workout I'd been looking forward too (My saturday morning consists of an hour of intense treadmill cardio + a 1.5 hour weight lifting/abs class with a trainer).  Exhausted. Slept in. Did a half hour ab workout, did my hour of cardio not at the intensity I wanted too, and only did half the lifting I was hoping for. Realized today would be a bad day for the beach (read: I'm female: take a wildly rational guess). 

Tech Boy started texting me around 11 a.m. wanting to see me and hang out as soon as he got out of work. I knew he wanted to see me. By the time I got home from the gym I was getting anxious about seeing him, but not in a good way. I still feel uncomfortable. Monroe and I got to talking. In the course of the conversation she told me that her and Doc talked about our relationship before. As have xRoommate and her bf. Independent of each other they came to the conclusion that he's a really nice guy, down to earth, easy to get along with, buy seems totally wrong for my personality and what I seem to need in a relationship. It's an opinion I've had since we started dating, but ignored. 

I just, want someone to be with that's nice to me. And 96% of the time he is (there have only been a count total of 4 times I've been legitimately upset with him). 

However, the longer we talked, the longer I stewed in my discomfort from the previous weekend, the more unhappy I became. He kept texting me about alcoholic drinks I'd want? None? I don't really drink hard liquor. I like wine. Also.... it's when he drinks too much that I worry. Then he told me he had gone out and bought a bunch of beach stuff for today before talking to me... even though I told him I wanted to finalize our plans together b/c it would depend on how I was feeling. I'm trying, I really am being as straight forward as I can be, and saying things in terms very literal to what I mean... so when I ask, "Can we not make solid plans tonight and figure it out tomorrow when I know how I'm feeling"... I mean it. I felt horrible because I really can't go to the beach today. I really don't want to drink with him right now. I just, wanted a quiet, non-stressful day. 

So I kind of freaked out a bit. I really, really tried to control my emotions but I was in tears and broke down a bit. I told him I was still really upset from last weekend and that everything still felt very 'off' to me. He reiterated that he was incredibly sorry and trying to make it up to me. Which I do absolutely acknowledge, but that doesn't me I feel better yet. I told him I was still upset, having a shitty day, didn't want to drink (ruined that!), and was starting to get nervous around him when he drank too much. 

I feel like it was a valid concern, but I still feel horrific for saying it out loud to him. I know he never means to upset me, but it doesn't change the fact that he can be hurtful when he has an ultra excessive amount to drink. I could tell how upset this statement made him too which made me feel even filthier. He instantly recognized and acknowledged that this was a very serious concern. Told me he feels like the worst person I've had the displeasure of meeting. Which isn't true. I've had much, much worse done to me (which he knows) which is why it hurts so much when he isn't careful about how I'll react when he says things drunkenly. I like him a lot, but it really does take me longer to get over things when they go poorly. 

I told him I want to talk about this more, but I want to do it when I'm not as emotional. I recognize I'm in a very bad mindset and I don't want that to be what guides this discussion. I'm trying so hard, but I'm hurting so much. 

I don't want to drink at all. The thought physically repulses me, but my heart hurts so much and I have no other way to dull the sensation so I'm drinking sparkling wine. 

GF has been posting on line. Impulsively I've been responding to her and she wants to see me. I want so badly to take comfort in her, which I know she'll provide. I just want to feel better. Not alone. Even though Tech Boy has literally told me that if I want to hook up with another woman it would be okay, I still feel like this would be a bad idea though. I want to, but it's too emotional and that has more complicated implications. 

I just want to stop feeling. It's been about 5 hours and I'm already starting to feel even worse. Even more terrible than I already had. I know how upset I made him. I feel like my concerns where valid. My feelings are valid. My discomfort is valid. He knew the weekend was bad, but he didn't realize it was that bad. Am I being too sensitive? I feel worse that he has to love a woman that is not less sensitive to things. I feel bad, that he feels bad for the way things went for me. I've been so upset, hurting so much, so uncomfortable that the thought of seeing him has been incredibly distressing for me. But actually telling him so. Expressing my reasons, even in a relatively rational manner, has made me feel like the worst human being alive. 

I'm so aware of my Borderline issues. I'm not sure if what I'm dealing with is my own hypersensitivity, or something that's okay to experience because even normal relationships deal with upsets. I'm so confused. 

I want to text him and tell him I miss him. It hurts me that I've hurt him, but at the same time I'm still hurt myself. I can feel the need to comfort him overtaking my own sense of wounding though. I feel so awful. So bad. That he's hurting. I'm having such a hard time keeping the feelings that I've been hurt and that what is hurting me is real and valid in mind. I just don't want him to hate me. I don't want him to hurt either. 

I feel like I'm at the crossroads of the push-pull place. I desperately needed my space today, but now I feel intensely shitty for needing that space because I know he just wants to make me feel better, but what he wanted to do wasn't going to help....

I can see. I do see that I'm upsetting him. I'm not blind to it. I just don't know what is more important in this moment. Comforting him? Or comforting me? 

EDIT: I'm so sad. I miss him. I hate this. I feel terribly alone. I just want curl up with him and be warm. I hate this. Hate it. 

9 comments:

  1. Haven,
    Awesome blog! You express feelings in a way that I wish I could let go and do.

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  2. Haven,
    Awesome blog! You express feelings in a way that I wish I could let go and do.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh my GODDDD!!! Girlfriend, I know you are Borderline, but STOP labeling yourself so! If you think you are the only woman who goes through crazy emotional boyfriend, husband stuff, you be wrong. You are a NORMAL HEALTHY HUMAN BEING with emotion. It is OK. Please PLEASE stop beating yourself with a spoon. (Or whatever you are beating yourself with.) And if he is a SHIT when he is drunk, you have a right to tell him so and be upset. It is hard for you to get a reality check here, I know, but take a breath, people hurt each other. People react to each other. It is OK!!! Love, your non-bpd friend.

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  4. PS: TAKE YOUR SPACE. That is a good thing. Maybe will stop him from drinking like an idiot.

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  5. Sending you hugs, Haven. How you feel is part of you and completely valid and I think you're right to give them voice. It has got to be hell to be living through the pain.
    Tech Boy definitely has his own issues to deal with, his friends mustn't be all that great if even _he_ feels the need to drink so much to bear (sorry, "enjoy") being around them or whatever. We all wander through life with a mixture of our inner feelings and our outer socialisation. Maturing requires us to take a hard look at both and make decisions that will be healthy and positive for the future. It seems that you are really doing that, defining who and what you are and what you reject.

    When you said "I feel worse that he has to love a woman that is not less sensitive to things." I immediately related. I'm deeply empathetic and I know my BPD sweetie has his own sensitivities and we're sometimes both so raw that it's hard to communicate well.

    This may not be the same thing you're feeling at all but I feel like such a bitch when I see my guy trying but it's just not "right". When he tries I know it's from his heart but there isn't always that deeper connection that he is trying for **me** to fulfill my needs rather than he is trying for **him** to bring things back to (his) comfort zone. I end up feeling like a demanding queen because I want us to connect and I want him to do something because it will nourish my whole being and because nourishing me is what he wants to do, not just make everything go back to "normal". So what he does do is sweet but just ends up pissing me off worse because I KNOW he's trying but I don't want what he's offering. ::sigh::

    Anyway, I just think you're really handling this in a healthy way and I can't imagine the will power it takes to stop the horses and examine things ~ something that every human has a hard time with BPD or not.

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  6. hi Ladies. Women obsess over their men at times. and their reaction to them. or their reactions yo their reactions. This can be considered typical female behavior. Not just BDP. Just a little input from one who knows.

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  7. Haven, take your space. I am no expert but I know trouble when I see it. I WAS tech boy so I speak from experience. Be careful with this because it sounds sketchy. It took an act of God to get me off of the drink but when I did, I realized how much of a douchebag that I was being and grew up. It sounds to me that he is unwilling to let go of the liquor and if that be the case, you could be treading on for darker days ahead.

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  8. I'm with the others. Wanting a little space and worrying about a relationship is normal. Don't let it get you down. Just take a breather and then go from there.

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  9. Telling someone how you feel is normal. How that person reacts is his business. If he's mature, he'll react in a mature way.

    Why obsess about his feelings? When he drinks too much, be becomes mean. Period. I'd tell him either he stops drinking when he's with me, or he and I are through. I really don't see where the guilt is in that. You're giving him a choice. I think that's quite nice of you!

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Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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