Thursday, September 13, 2012

Bonus Post: Confessions

I have a confession. I’ve been messing up, a lot lately. Not with other people, not with work… with myself. I do have to admit there is some small bleed over into my relationships and my work, but for the most part I can hold it together and be okay in those arenas. How I feel, how I react, how my thoughts run away with me, how I feel bad about myself, and how I cope? Well that’s a different story.

This past month and a half has been, well, more than a little stressful. I think for anyone. That I’m Borderline doesn’t change the fact that I spent a ridiculous amount of time preparing, stressing out, organizing, and hosting a bachelorette party… making 200 ridiculous cupcakes for a wedding… then the day of the wedding as we’re about to be late for the ceremony I get a frantic call from Roommate Monroe saying she’s being evicted. The next day driving 8 hours home to immediately start hunting for a new place to live. Finding a new place. Packing. Moving within 2 weeks. Unpacking. Getting Settled. Catching up at work when I was behind from vacation. Trouble with Tech Boy (which you’ll hear about tomorrow). Running around, crazy.

The bottom line is, all of my routines, all of my structure, all of the things I do to help myself maintain my stability have been off for the last month and a half. And on top of that with my routines being out of place, I haven’t been:

  • Keeping up on my medications consistently
  • My exercising has been off
  • I haven’t been taking my vitamins

These are 3 things that are incredibly important to my health and my mental stability and they’ve been totally shot to hell.  I’m mood swingy. I’m not dealing with stress very well. I’m feeling my irrational anger rising to the surface more quickly, easier than it has been.

Structure. Routines. Patterns. They’re very important. BPD is challenging. Overcoming these challenges takes consistent work, and consistent maintenance. I didn’t mean to slack. I’ve been so incredibly overwhelmed and disrupted that I didn’t even realize how much I was throwing myself off. And that’s the insidious part. I was so busy, so mentally noisy, that I didn’t even notice how bad things were getting for me until they hit a certain point of severity.

I need to exercise consistently. I overexerted myself a few weeks ago and injured my knee so I haven’t been able to work out the way I normally would. Plus I have had so much to do, and not had the kind of access I normally have to my workout material, that I’ve been so off on keeping myself together.
Normally I take my vitamins every night before I go to sleep. I swear by a multi-vitamin, B-Complex, Calcium, and Omega-3… sometimes Biotin and Iron as well.

Being inconsistent with my Pristiq is especially detrimental. I feel my depression coming back. My anxiety has been increasingly worse. My ability to deal with stress has been severely diminished.  I feel so out of control. So angry.

I need to maintain these routines. These are all very positive things that I need to have in my life. It sucks to feel this way right now. However, it does provide an excellent reminder that these things are an incredibly good and healthy influence in my life.

I feel like such a screw up right now. Small slips, but a bunch of them. Not a huge, not intentional, but they happened. I haven’t traumatized or destroyed anything. I’ve noted them though. I can get myself back on track. I’m dedicated to it, in fact.

Sometimes life gets in the way. Life throws so much at you and things have to take priority. The little things slip through the cracks. The little things are important though.

And that’s important to know. Even when you’ve made a lot of progress. A lot of healing. There are still little setbacks. But they don’t have to remain setbacks and that’s the goal.

Sometimes I think it’s helpful to remember these feelings. Because it reminds me how much I want to keep away from them. 


  1. Reaching out and letting people know is at least a place to start. I am sure you will find a way through. I like to tell my girlfriend this. If you take six steps forward and 1-5 back, you still are going forward.

  2. Don't ask me how i ended up here. I simply don't know. Maybe i hit a key i hadn't planned to hit? Who cares. I'm here now, i the intruder from a different world. I turned a few leaves, read some sentences, and noticed that u look at things quite intensely but from a different angle i usually do. Still i think i can feel u. Which of cors is a bit strange, cos i don't know anything about u. Or do i?

    If u read on, u won't be safe anymore (grin). Hmmm, maybe u will.


    Disconnected? That was one of my goals in life. And i succeeded. Summa cum laude.

    DSM? Here's what i once wrote about that one. "Just peep into the different versions of the DSM, and u will encounter classification after classification of what is sick, more sick, less sick, and healthy, all neatly labeled for the practicing shrink, with exact, exact, descriptions, of the minimum required time a phenomenon has to manifest itself, for it to have successfully graduated to mental illness, so he or she (yes, there also r female shrinks) can easily diagnose u as a freak, ready to enlist for some intense psychotherapy, a shitload of neuroleptics, or immediate transportation to a cozy asylum for nuts and other deviants from the holy norm."

    Moods? "When i feel down, i want to really feel down. Not somewhere in between downs. Not halfway down. And certainly not take action to feel less down. When i’m down, i want to see the bottom of my abyss, disappear in total darkness, and feel the core of that black hole. Sometimes i venture even deeper, and challenge that darkness by laughing at it, mocking it, and telling it what a lousy black hole it has crafted, full of light and sweetness. It’s then when i go places i never had visited b4, enjoying my depression to the fullest.

    Want to read more where all this came from? Be my guest.

    Hey, take it easy with that desvenlafaxine thingy eh?

  3. Dearest Haven, do not forget that you are indeed, human. Messiness is a byproduct of said humanness and in turn, is unavoidable. Stress is a nasty little bastard, no doubt, but it does not hold a candle to the things that you have overcome in regards to your past. Keep your chin up kid. Life will become organized and boring again soon. I pray that this finds you well.


Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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