Friday, October 5, 2012

Lucid Analysis – Trials in Therapy: Nothing Really Happening Edition

See this? This is not me right now. (courtesty of Allie H&aH) 

Therapy went on for about 35 minutes longer than I felt was really necessary. Ever have one of those days when you just don’t have much to talk about and don’t really feel like talking? Yep. Therapist doesn’t let me get away with that though.

Talked about my stress levels. Up. A lot of up.

Talked about how I’m coping with my recent break-up. Um. I’m not, really? Compared to how I’ve dealt with break-ups in the past I’m reacting in more constructive, less destructive ways. I don’t really feel much of anything at the moment. Therapist is a little concerned that I’m not dealing with my feelings. She’s right as far as I can tell.

I don’t feel much, but she says it shows on my face that I’m sad. I don’t know if I’m sad about this in particular or if I just look sad in general. I think mostly I’m reflective, and it comes across as sad??? I’m in my own head a lot whether it’s stuff having to do with my personal life, politics, what I’m going to do for dinner this weekend, my cat, nanoparticulates, whatever… I must not smile enough when I’m thinking. Constantly. ??? I don’t even know. I honestly haven’t been thinking about my break up much at all.

I did get to see him for the first time at work yesterday. It’s weird, I haven’t had any real inclination to text him, to chat with him, nothing outside of shop talk (because we do still work together).  We’ve been corresponding as usual about projects but I haven’t had to actually see him about any of that. Until yesterday. I’ve noticed that if I overthink what could happen, that’s when I get stressed out. So instead I just went down and dealt with the engineering issues that needed to be addressed. It was mildly awkward but mostly it was just work. We’re at work so we do what we’ve always done and remain professional, though honestly, I don’t feel like there’s anything to get unprofessional about.  Therapist asked about his reaction. I guess he looked a little sad? I don’t know if I miss him.

Therapist tried to get me to talk about things I’ll miss about him. I don’t really want to. I know why she wants me to though. I’m clearly not grieving yet, and it’s a necessary part of healing.  I guess I should do that. ::sigh:: Grieving sucks. Therapist expects it will not be a quick process, because grieving usually isn’t. It’s important to let the process happen. Be mindful of what I’m feeling (and not remain detached which is kind of where I still am). Healing happens in its own time.

So this is where I think therapy should have ended because I’ve had absolutely  nothing of interest happening in my life that requires therapy.

No, really.  I’ve been going to work, too self-conscious to go the gym so I’ve been doing pilates in my room, and organizing my new condo. Trying for what feels like the first time ever in my life to just relax and not overwork myself like the mad woman I am.

Seriously, I talked about my cat. Who, incidentally, is actually pretty stoked about my break up. My cat has jealous button issues that get pushed anytime someone consistently takes my attention away from him.  So he’s pretty happy that I’m not all occasionally not paying attention to him anymore.



She wanted to make sure I still had a consistent and strong sense of  connection with xRoommate and my current roommates. Yep. I talk to xRoommate all the time. We hang out every weekend, go out, watch movies… planning a kick ass Halloween party! xRoommate, roommate Monroe, and I are doing a crazy party with a ridiculous amount of spooky DIY decorations and a snacks, treats, and appetizer list to feed an army.

I tried to convince Therapist that my costume ideas were actually serious. Velma – Scooby Doo. Hell yeah. Love Velma. Kaylee from Firefly (she didn’t know what Firefly was… there is no justice in the world). Or Darth Rosenberg/Evil Willow from Season 6 Buffy. I’m leaning towards Evil Willow. Yes, I’m a big geek. It’s okay, I know.

I’m not talking about political activism I’m involved with, in therapy b/c there’s no point at all (go go civil rights!).

Least productive therapy session ever.

I don’t know, I just think our relationship just ran it’s course. I never hit that point of emotional no return. I would get happier, little higher, little higher… then something would happen… and my attachment would crash. I would have to start over. Then things would get better, I’d get happier, more attached, more attached… then something would happen… and my attachment would crash. And I’d have to start over again. And again. And again. And again. But it never really got high enough off the ground to have a real impact. ::shrug:: He was nice, but we weren’t really compatible. We really just didn’t have much in common or much common ground to connect on. He’s nice, I need more than that though, and I think he just needs something different. Therapist wants to make sure I’m not internalizing this as something wrong with me. ::shrug:: There is stuff wrong with me, hence being in therapy… but I really do think I handled things in this relationship pretty well. It wasn’t a catastrophe. We had some good times. We had some not so good times. I don’t know what else to say about it.

Therapist was trying to get me to talk about my hopes and dreams for future relationships too. Honestly? I don’t have any. I really don’t want to be in a relationship right now.  This is the first time I’ve been single since I moved to New York. I’ve never been a serial dater before. I do typically try to take a significant amount of time between relationships. Not here though. Even if I wanted to, I apparently let myself fall into relationships whether I was looking for them or not.

Yeah, so then we talked about when I do eventually start dating, I should take it slow, get to know someone before getting intimate. Maybe give it 3 months before…??? Really? Yeah, I so don’t have that kind of impulse control if I’m sexually attracted to someone. She asked me if that was a crazy thought. Yes, yes it kind of it. But it made me laugh so that’s a plus.

Therapist says it’s going to be an adjustment even for her, haha. Haven, not in a relationship? Whatever will she do? Not the end of the world. It will help me catch up on what I’ve been missing out on in the latest D3 patch. Which could actually be the end of the world if I don’t win.

Rambling. Rambling. If you’ve gotten to this point, I apologize.

I don’t know. Some days in therapy are like pulling teeth. 


  1. The fact that you want to do Kaylee from Firefly - Awesome. I myself am going as Han Solo and she may go as Leia or Padme. Ya, such nerds

  2. Sounds like pulling teeth for sure. I'd say you shouldn't stress yourself over how she thinks you should grieve. Do your thing and whatever happens happens :) My thoughts anyway.. Ya know I'm a teensy bit crazy from time to time!

  3. I vote for scary veiny Willow!

  4. How Funny , I like the pics and content both , Thanks so much for this unique blog

  5. Congratulations on the way you're handling the transition out of this relationship. Something I've wondered...I gather Tech Boy did not read this blog. Maybe I'm wrong, but if not, why did you not tell him about it, or why did he not read it? Seems like it would have given him a great deal of insight into your emotional states.

    How does one dress as Kaylee? Plaid shirt and jeans with some grease smudges? Sounds like a fun party.

    1. No he didn't read this blog. He knew I had one but I didn't give him the address.

      There are a few reasons for this:

      1. I need a place where I can write without feeling I need to hold back. Holding back doesn't help me, and it doesn't help anyone else.

      2. Frankly he was not emotionally mature enough to deal with all of this. I know, because I did talk about many of these things with him directly. When a subject got even remotely uncomfortable he would flat out tell me he'd rather not think about things like that and the subject would change.

      3. Because of that, I didn't trust him enough with many of the things I've experienced and am going through. I recognized his emotional boundaries, and while I'm okay with testing the fences... knocking them down with a bulldozer is not very nice.

      4. It's important for me to learn to communicate my needs, emotions, and experiences effectively while remaining connected to my emotions.

      5. In a relationship you need to develop trust and progress as that trust develops. Can you imagine uploading every bad deed, every shameful thought, every pain inflicted, and out of control emotion you've had into someone you don't want to scare away, all at once? That's beyond overwhelming. He knew I'd been abused... he didn't want to know the extent of that abuse, etc. There is simply too much stuff here that he didn't want to know when it came up in person. Seeing it all completely spelled out? I doubt that would have helped him be more compassionate to me.

      I need to use the skills I'm developing to help me function, not use my blog as a crutch.

      Writing this blog, getting into the microscopic detail of how I function is one thing. How I am in the real world can be quite a different presentation. However, I also don't make him guess. I'm actually getting extremely good at vocalizing how I feel and discussing constructively what's bothering me. Sometimes it takes me a day or two to reattach to my emotions so I can feel them and work through them... but I do talk about what is bothering me and I talk about anything that is relevant.

      It would have given him too much insight. Can you imagine saying everything you ever felt to someone you cared for? Good and bad?

      Too much, and it's important that I learn to connect directly, and not via a secondary medium.

    2. Kaylee was the engineer on Serenity. She basically where's coveralls, a flower patterned shirt, grease smugs, and a blue oriental jacket with oriental parasol if she goes out.

    3. All excellent reasons. I was sure you'd thought it through carefully, and you certainly had. As soon as I posted my question, I realized of course not, why would she. If he's having trouble dealing with emotions that are uncomfortable for him, this blog would be way too much. And besides, you would have had to deal with someone at work knowing all this detail, and who might not be ok with it. You were wise to give him information in measured doses.

      I'm a huge Firefly fan. She wore that store-bought foo-foo ball dress with the hoop skirt in the episode where Mal duels the fop with a sword, but if you wore that hardly anyone would get it. You might want to learn a few Chinese cuss words for the occasion. Maybe "Gao yang jong duh goo yang." (Motherless goats of all motherless goats; from Jaynestown.)


    4. ::smiles:: it's cool.

      Oh my gosh. I don't even think that hoop dress would fit in my living room! Though to be perfectly honest if i showed up in that to a party held by anyone of my friends, they would TOTALLY get it (I know a lot of geeks haha). I just couldn't deal with that much pink and white; way too goth for that hahha.

      I do believe the Chinese would be beneficial in many venues though =)

    5. Oops, I see Evil Willow won. Go Buffy. Maybe Willow can swear in Chinese.

  6. I am with V on this, defiantly evil willow :-)

  7. You're a brave soul for talking these things out with your therapist. I don't know if I could handle that. I, for one, don't respond well when people try to goad me into talking about things I don't want to talk about.

    1. Meh. Trust me, my initial instinct is not always to take it well. I get pretty annoyed sometimes.

      But I try to remember that I chose to do this because I need the help and maybe somewhere in, what I think is inane babbling, something useful might come out of it. ::shrug::

  8. We have a concensus. Haven rocks, and definitely Evil Willow. You have to do the line, too :)

    IIRC, Kaylee had a short plaid dress and cowboy boots? Also a good look.

  9. Evil Willow wins it! Got the jacket, wig, make-up, and black out contacts and I'm set!


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