Sunday, November 4, 2012

Confessions on a Sunday: Bordering between one addiction and another...

It's been a rough day. For absolutely no reason at all other than I'm going utterly crazy being couped up in my condo with no gas to get me away from the boredom I can't bare. 

I've been struggling a lot lately. Struggling to keep my stress levels down. Struggling to keep the peace in my condo. Struggling to get myself under control. 

It comes as no surprise that it doesn't necessarily take a lot to spin me out of control. I'm not like out of control out of control, but I've definitely been slipping a little. 

Despite what Therapist says, I do think my drinking isn't normal. I haven't had a drink in 5 or 6 days, and it really hasn't been hard not too, but I think about it a lot. I just, need to get out of my own head sometimes and it's such an easy way to dull the never ending barrage of thoughts and nasty ruminations that pound my brain. 

I've been so good with my bulimia too lately. So good. I haven't had an episode in over a month. Maybe two. It's a good sign that I can't even remember. 

All the fighting around here lately has been getting to me. I finally blew my top at Doc and Monroe. They were arguing about groceries and video games, and honestly I know that's not the real issue. I know what the real issue is: Docs lack of responsibility and Monroe's utter lack of flexibility, but they've been at it so constantly lately. I walked out into the kitchen to pour myself a drink, slammed the ice tray down, and just blurted out, "You know what? Maybe you two should keep in mind that you love each other! You're screaming about video games and groceries. Blaming each other for problems instead of focusing on the solution. Seriously!." And then went back into my room and didn't come out again. 

Doc's been gone all weekend. It's just been me and Monroe. It's been nice and quiet. And lonely. 

They calmed down after I blew up, but I still feel like I fucked up pretty bad. 

This weekend has been rough. All my plans to see people, the people I need around that keep me stable by just being here, have had to break plans b/c of the gas shortage and no ability to get out here. I'm also in the same boat. I can maybe get to work on Monday, but I may have to call off Tuesday or take a very expensive cab. I don't know. 

Alone now. Struggling. I was even having dreams last night of refusing drinks that I wanted to have. 

Today the feeling has been almost overwhelming. I tried to distract myself with power yoga, my cats,... and then eventually food. Full on binge with the limited stocks of food I have piled up in case I can't get to the grocery again. Then full on purge. 

I've been so good lately. I know it's just a relapse. Not even a big one unless I let it get out of control. Which, for the record, I have no intentions of. Relapses happen. They always happen. Sometimes I think they're necessary to make me remember why I've been abstaining in the first place. It really does help me remember where I've been and why I chose differently, and why I want to continue to choose differently. 

I just, feel like shit right now. Relapsing is part of the process. I've been extremely strong with my cutting. Almost 2 years self-harm free. My bulimia comes and goes, but it's been in a very steady decrease with this being my first relapse in months. The drinking thing feels different though. My grandfather was an alcoholic, though to be fair, he quit cold turkey and never turned back, so maybe overcoming addiction is in my genes too. 

I'm just worried about me. Taking stock. It helps. It helps to recognize what is going on. Note it. I'm trying not to judge it. I'm clearly not coping well, and I messed up a little, but that doesn't mean it's all a wash. 

I feel like I smell like vomit and despair, but I still have the loviest kitty of mine curled up on my lap purring away as he sleep in my warmth. At least I have him. I'm so grateful I rescued him. He's my familiar, I don't consider him a pet. He really did choose me. It really is increadibly therapeutic to have someone that loves you unconditionally, that you can pour your love into and they don't expect anything more than foods and cuddles. Not to mention I can't get food or alcohol to binge on while he's on my lap b/c I feel much to guilty to move him. Haha, I think you have to be a crazy animal lover to really get that one though. 

Best therapy ever. 












3 comments:

  1. awww i love cats!
    i hope you feel better soon :)

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  2. Some of the best people I know beat themselves up over things they wish they would have handled differently. To me it shows they are thoughtful and I wish them all peace of mind and easy rest. I think good friends, people in general, are understanding and if you are kind hearted and well intentioned- in most of your actions -they already know that about you.

    I try to keep the above statement in mind when thinking about myself because when I close myeyes I often see a highlight reel of all the actions I hate from my past. It's times like those that impulsive behavior seems like a nice distraction.

    - the mind is a powerful. It can also spin off into wonderful things if you can just somehow set it to go off in the right direction.

    Wonderful things like your blog. I hope that the writer and all readers are well- kinda feels like Sunday dinner.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I like your written word a great deal. For what it's worth, I don't think you fucked up with the roomies at all.

    ReplyDelete

Leave me a comment! It makes me feel good and less paranoid about talking to myself =)

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