Monday, December 24, 2012

Thoughts from the Borderline: Promiscuity

I've noticed that when I'm becoming particularly lonely my desire to be promiscuous kicks into overdrive. That feeling, that need to be with someone, to be seen, to be felt, to be with... is almost overwhelming. It begins to cloud all my other thoughts, especially when I'm with someone that I find in any way attractive. 


.... even if I know they're not the kind of person I would be "good" with, or someone I should be with, but for the moment they're beyond good enough. It's like all my other judgment goes right out the window in favor of taking care of the more important need for not being alone. 

::sigh:: Fortunately circumstances aren't always aligned to allow for acting on it. The moments aren't all doom and gloom dire, but the desire to be seen and connected with is still overpowering in its own way. It's a way that's extremely tempting. And when the circumstances are aligned for acting... well, that impulsive streak doesn't allow for the cautionary voice in the back of my mind to kick in. 


If I'm with someone that I'm love/obsessed with, this goes away to a  large extent if not completely... as long as things are good. If things get devalued and go bad for a spot, caution often gets thrown to the wind, or I want to throw it to the wind (I've never actually cheated on a significant other, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the need for comfort anymore). I have an uber guilty conscience though so even if I want to I can't act on the impulse. It's more a matter of pride that I don't give in than a real desire not to, or the thing that everyone wants... which is for that desire to not be there at all. Let's be honest though, do those desires and impulses really go away 100% for anyone? Isn't there always some little part left that always wants to run away with itself? Maybe? 

Still, that's mostly when I'm single or not in a committed relationship. If I'm solidly with someone, different story. 

I don't know. All I know is that right now I'm lonely. I'm missing Tech Boy b/c I've been seeing him more at work. I was out with friends last night and I found myself flirting with an old friend of mine. A friend mind you, who is happily engaged and about to buy a house with his fiance. I didn't even realize I was flirting with him until I realized he was flirting back. There was no thought process of, "This thing, yep, I'm gonna do that..." It was just friendly conversation and witty banter and all of a sudden there was googly eyes and internal impulses. 

I mean, I'm a friendly person in general. Don't get me wrong I can be a major bitch if you cross me, but I like being nice. I talk to everyone. People are fun when they're interesting. I've been told that I'm flirty, but I'm like that with everyone. And I'm not sure it's really flirty if I'm just being nice, friendly, and conversational. I don't know. Last night I definitely found myself being flirty and I didn't mean to (well, at first). It feels good, and if you're not going to act on it, I suppose it's harmless enough. 

Not gonna lie, given the opportunity to take it further.... I probably would have taken it. 

6 comments:

  1. so why would a NON type person such as myself invest any time in a relationship with someone like you? not trying to be mean just brutally honest-I have feelings for someone who is BPD and this part of her drives me crazy-its as if sometimes I'm on the menu but other times I'm not even in the room

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    1. One. I've never cheated on anyone I've dated exclusively. Sometimes people may catch my eye, but especially if my significant other is there, another person doesn't have a chance. If my significant other isn't there, the impulse is usually controllable... it's more a matter of being lonely and not wanting to feel that emptiness, not so much a matter of wanting a person that's not our significant other specifically.

      However, if I'm dating someone and If it's someone that I'm easily swayed from or the thought of other people intrudes on me easily... for me (and I'm not saying this applies to everyone)... you probably aren't interesting enough to hold my attention and we're ultimately incompatible. People with BPD are people too, and just because we don't like to be alone, doesn't mean any significant other is good enough. We do still like what we like and everyone isn't always right for you.



      Part of this I don't think is BPD. I think it's mostly human nature. It's the extent of our emotional depth of feeling and impulsive nature that can cause this to be a problem.... if a person is actually prone to cheating (which I'm not).

      If you're the type to easily offended when your significant other is friendly and chatty with people, that's on you. People are allowed to engage others.

      You may just not be right for each other. That happens.

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    2. I'm also writing this as I am single, completely unattached, and without prospects for a new significant other. I'm allowed to be flirty and *gasp* even promiscuous, if I want to be.

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    3. Some people are perceived as being "flirty" when, inside their mind, they are just being friendly & social. And some people perceive friendly & social as "flirty."

      It is important to know which kind of person you are, first, then ask/figure out what kind of person it is that you're exploring a relationship with. I, apparently, am an unintentional flirt. I am not trying to get people's hopes up, but I find I can't put a damper on my behavior & stay sane. Anytime I have tried (for a guy, for societal expectations)--it has backfired/been ineffective.

      In the end, it isn't so much why would a NON like me want to be with a BPD like you?, but "why do I want to be with __________?" It's the kind of question that requires more self-examination, but will make your life better in the end....

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  2. BPD means you are always trying to fill the void; with drugs, sex, alcohol, self harm etc because anything is better than the decaying emptiness. Adrenaline is so beautifully distracting. A rush of any kind makes you feel like you exist in a world where it feels like nobody cares about you. Sometimes I feel like nobody even cares whether I am dead or alive. I know it's a faulty perception;; doesn't stop it though. Self pity is fxcking addictive ^_^ and I love it xxx

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    1. Self pity is fxcking addictive, and you love it?

      Finally someone who admits it out loud! I love it aswel :-)

      I have been in a long term relationship but ihavenot cheated on my partner- physically. But I do go through these periods where I meet a guy, and I just die to be with them. Controlling myself is incredibly hard. But then a day will come when the new guy will just sicken me for a reason, and that'll be the end of that.

      I do think its human nature, my partner denies not liking other women, but I know that's a lie. Noone can be that faitfull.

      S

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