Ugh. I’ve been feeling down this week. Yesterday was especially hard for me. I was supposed to go out with Tech Boy but I was feeling very body conscious. And by a little I mean the thought of going out and being looked at, touched, and him wanting to have sex with me made me a little nauseous. I haven’t been that kind of body anxious in a while. So I cancelled our plans and stayed in.
Which was not great because Roommate was gone. I hadn’t thought about this.
I stayed up very late. Later than I normally do (about 2:30a.m.) watching shows on Netflix (Dollhouse and Buffy b/c Joss Whedon is a god). I couldn’t stomach the thought of going to sleep. I stayed awake as long as I possibly could. Even after I managed to force myself into bed I stayed up reading til there was no longer any helping it. I hate this. I was exhausted but the idea of closing my eyes and letting the dark consume me makes me incredibly anxious. Especially when there’s no one home with me.
I’m not sure if it was better or worse that I promised myself I wouldn’t drink last night. It was hard at times b/c I really just wanted my brain to calm down, but I stuck to my guns and had a sober night in. I haven’t actually drank all week but when I’m home alone and my brain gets going it’s usually a quick fix to calm myself down.
I was just so sad. At the end of Dollhouse final ep Season 1 I was despairing. It was a really tragic episode but I’ve been able to maintain emotional distance from my fictions lately. Not last night. It wasn’t the show so much as it made me contemplate my own mortality, my own life, the things that bothered me. I don’t cry a lot. At least not lately. I don’t cry much ever unless I’m in the midst of something really traumatic. There was no helping the tears that came over things that were long since lost, gone, generally missed and longed for.
I regretted not spending the evening with Tech Boy. It dawned on me that this was the first night I’d spent truly alone in quite a long while. Most of the evening was okay. I played Diablo III, watched my shows, surfed the interwebs, geeked out… but I was still hyperaware of the quiet, the stillness, and the silence surrounding me. It’s oppressive enough that the silence smothers me in a blanket of sensory deprivation and I can’t stand it. It drives my anxiety up the walls. Mind you this is with my vid games playing and the television on in the background. That noise is artificial though. It’s organic noise and the presence created by other people that calms me down, not just the noise itself.
Most of this I think is my own fault. I realized I’ve been extremely inconsistent with my medication this week. I don’t know why either. My routines have been off and I’ve just been forgetting to take it in the morning. Then the next day. And the next. By the time I remember it’s either too late in the evening or the next day and you can’t double dose. It’s stupid b/c I do start to feel better by the end of the day when I finally remember to take my Rx. This is bad news though. It’s really important to be consistent with medication and I’m upset that I didn’t realize I was forgetting. I have to be more vigilant. I haven’t been anywhere near so upset or anxious lately. That I can see a definite decline like this after just a few days makes it very obvious to me what the positive impact of my medication is.
It’s so simple to. Now that we’ve found good meds. Just take one pill. One little pill. It takes approximately 3 seconds out of my day for a world of good. So easy. So convenient. And yet, I’ve been slipping. Need to pay more attention. One little pill.