Saturday, June 9, 2012

Don’t skip your medication!

Ugh.  I’ve been feeling down this week. Yesterday was especially hard for me. I was supposed to go out with Tech Boy but I was feeling very body conscious. And by a little I mean the thought of going out and being looked at, touched, and him wanting to have sex with me made me a little nauseous. I haven’t been that kind of body anxious in a while. So I cancelled our plans and stayed in.

Which was not great because Roommate was gone. I hadn’t thought about this.

I stayed up very late. Later than I normally do (about 2:30a.m.) watching shows on Netflix (Dollhouse and Buffy b/c Joss Whedon is a god). I couldn’t stomach the thought of going to sleep. I stayed awake as long as I possibly could. Even after I managed to force myself into bed I stayed up reading til there was no longer any helping it. I hate this. I was exhausted but the idea of closing my eyes and letting the dark consume me makes me incredibly anxious. Especially when there’s no one home with me.

I’m not sure if it was better or worse that I promised myself I wouldn’t drink last night. It was hard at times b/c I really just wanted my brain to calm down, but I stuck to my guns and had a sober night in. I haven’t actually drank all week but when I’m home alone and my brain gets going it’s usually a quick fix to calm myself down.

I was just so sad. At the end of Dollhouse final ep Season 1 I was despairing. It was a really tragic episode but I’ve been able to maintain emotional distance from my fictions lately. Not last night. It wasn’t the show so much as it made me contemplate my own mortality, my own life, the things that bothered me. I don’t cry a lot. At least not lately. I don’t cry much ever unless I’m in the midst of something really traumatic. There was no helping the tears that came over things that were long since lost, gone, generally missed and longed for.

I regretted not spending the evening with Tech Boy. It dawned on me that this was the first night I’d spent truly alone in quite a long while. Most of the evening was okay. I played Diablo III, watched my shows, surfed the interwebs, geeked out… but I was still hyperaware of the quiet, the stillness, and the silence surrounding me. It’s oppressive enough that the silence smothers me in a blanket of sensory deprivation and I can’t stand it. It drives my anxiety up the walls. Mind you this is with my vid games playing and the television on in the background. That noise is artificial though. It’s organic noise and the presence created by other people that calms me down, not just the noise itself.


Most of this I think is my own fault. I realized I’ve been extremely inconsistent with my medication this week. I don’t know why either. My routines have been off and I’ve just been forgetting to take it in the morning. Then the next day. And the next. By the time I remember it’s either too late in the evening or the next day and you can’t double dose. It’s stupid b/c I do start to feel better by the end of the day when I finally remember to take my Rx. This is bad news though. It’s really important to be consistent with medication and I’m upset that I didn’t realize I was forgetting. I have to be more vigilant. I haven’t been anywhere near so upset or anxious lately. That I can see a definite decline like this after just a few days makes it very obvious to me what the positive impact of my medication is.

It’s so simple to. Now that we’ve found good meds. Just take one pill. One little pill. It takes approximately 3 seconds out of my day for a world of good. So easy. So convenient. And yet, I’ve been slipping. Need to pay more attention. One little pill.  

Friday, June 8, 2012

Lucid Analysis: Trials in Therapy – Merging

(I write about therapy in the order that conversations take place, but that doesn’t mean they’re in the order of importance. *** Skip down to the part starting with **** for the things that I think were most important from yesterday).
Yesterday was a short session in therapy. I was in a relatively good mood. Two things that bother me about Therapist. She steps on me when I’m talking. She interrupts what I’m saying and completes with her own thoughts that she thinks will relate to what I mean. This bothers the piss out of me. Just let me finish my thought without cutting me off please. Second, I often feel like she’s too nice. This might be me expecting people to be harsher because I’m used to harsher people but she seems to err on the side of bright and sunny and it feels like she sort of glosses over the deeper, darker aspects of things. This bothers me. Maybe I’m jaded. It’s easier for me to believe that grandma is the big bad wolf in disguise then to believe grandma really does just like my eyes.  
Eh, whatever. So I went to the wedding I was so worried about last weekend. Friend and his wife completely kept their distance and I didn’t have to deal with them at all. Relief. There was one instance where Friend and I crossed paths but I just kept walking and didn’t stop to acknowledge him.
I also saw K and Twiggy. I have so much guilt and such a sense of loss when it comes to them. I miss them a lot. It’s my fault we’re no longer friends. I know they had some aspects of not taking responsibility for themselves but really the fault was mine. I was in a hugely upheaved place, just getting to know Friend, and I believe him when he told me the kind of person he was. I want to believe people are the kind of people they say they are. I don’t close my eyes to what they actually do, but I allow people the benefit of the doubt and I wanted to believe all the things he said about having a strong sense of honor and duty and love. I admit I completely allowed him to manipulate me with this picture he painted and since I didn’t know him that well I clung to that because it’s exactly the kind of thing I needed in my life. I wanted to believe it because it’s what I needed. And I let it color my perception of how things were unfolding. I let it color my perception of how badly he hurt K and Twiggy. I didn’t understand just how different his words and his actions were. I do now.
I was very sad one night and wrote K a brief message. I said I was so sorry. She was right about everything. It’s the first time she responded to me in well over a year. She said she didn’t know what to say and I told her she didn’t have to say anything if she didn’t want to, but she deserved to know she wasn’t wrong, and I was. That was it.
It took me a very long time, and a complete disillusionment of who I believed Friend to be, but I got there. Too late to fix things, but I don’t think it’s ever too late to give someone some piece of mind. I was extremely worried about this though, because she’s told me outright she wanted nothing more to do with me. I understand it. I respect it.
 They’re really good friends with Roommate. At the wedding Roommate was my anchor. So many people that I know is very overwhelming for me, even without the drama of Friend, it’s a lot for me to handle. I need to have someone to be near that I feel calm with. If I would wander off to get a drink, that’s when they would feel comfortable catching up and chatting with her. My presence is clearly a problem for them. This made me feel extremely guilty and extremely lost. My guilt was more for Roommate though. I know how close she is to them and I don’t want to inhibit her enjoyment of the day and her friends, just because I’m around. Maybe it’s selfish of me to want to be around her, especially when I’m feeling anxious, but I do. She’s aware of this and she’s okay with it. It doesn’t bother her. It bothers me though because I don’t want her to have to choose between hanging out with people. I don’t want K and Twiggy to worry about me trying to impose myself on them like Friend has before. I want them to be able to talk to Roommate and hangout without having to worry about me forcing myself into their space and interacting with them when they don’t want me to. I understand if they never want me in their life again, I can respect that decision after all that we’ve been through, but I don’t want it to affect their relationships.
Ironically, by the end of the day Roommate believes that they probably feel the same about me. Twiggy was actually talking to me when our conversations overlapped. Nothing major but very civil and pleasant. It was a relief. I do miss them a lot. I wish we could be friends again. I don’t know if this is a small step in that direction or if it’s just a small true toward politely interacting for Roommate, but it’s better.
So things turned out much better than I was hoping for.
The next day was Docs birthday dinner. I ended up being even more stressed out about that because I was the only one preparing, the only one cooking, the only one doing everything. To be fair Roommate did help me clean the night before. But everything else was on me. I do take a lot on for myself, but if I don’t it won’t get done so what am I supposed to do? I was talking to Tech Boy about this and he said that I take too much on myself. I should ask for help. I had to really bite my tongue here. I am getting better at asking for help, but when you ask for help and people constantly fall through, there isn’t a whole lot of point to it. He said there wasn’t much he could do for me if I’d already made my mind up about people. Made up my mind about people? When I ask people for help, they say they’ll do it, and then they don’t, that’s not just jumping to a conclusion, that’s actually learning from experience.
Including him.
Which is what was really fucking irritating. Last weekend, and this weekend, I told him I was feeling overwhelmed and asked if he could come by early to help. This past weekend at the very least I told him to be there by 330. He texted me around 330 with: 430, right? NO! Not right! Seriously, I told him flat out I was feeling overwhelmed and needed help, he said he’d be by earlier/as early as he possibly could, then showed up later than he originally said he would… and then a week later is telling me he can’t help me if I don’t speak up and have already made my  mind up about people? People are really blind to themselves sometimes.
**** (Yep here)
**** Therapist and I were talking about how my relationships were going. How I seem to be forming a much tighter group of friends now that I no longer have the unhealthy and dramatic elements in my life. She also made some observations about the kind of people I thrive with and the kinds that are unhealthy for me. When my relationship is with a person who has a strong sense of identity, a strong sense of self, who doesn’t try to be like me or become me, I am able to retain the person that I am and develop a strong and healthy relationship. Like with Roommate. Roommate is a very strong woman with a clear sense of who she is. She doesn’t need me to be something for her, she is simply able to be herself and allow me to be myself with her.

This is in stark contrast to Friend. Therapist believes Friend was an extremely weak person. His relationship with his wife (who was the dominant element) was lacking in a lot of substantial and necessary qualities. All qualities that I embody or am I able to provide. I am very sensitive, hypersensitive, to what other people need. It’s very easy for me to see what someone is missing in their life, and if I care about them, it’s natural for me to want to fill that need for them. Without even thinking about it. Friend wasn’t strong enough to face the problems in his marriage so instead of fixing things with his wife, he turned to me for comfort. Instead of trying to work with his wife to gain the things he needed, he projected his needs onto me, and I easily slipped into the holes and filled the emptiness that he was left with. In essence, I merged with him and his needs. I lost a lot of who I was being the kind of person I knew he needed. A lot of that stuff was me, but it was me directed specifically towards making him whole, not making myself more complete. I poured myself into filling his needs and left myself empty as a consequence. And he let me. I provide the comfort, art, intellect, caring, and sex that were lacking in his marriage. With his wife’s initial approval. What man wouldn’t take advantage of that. Except he gave nothing back. He just took. He allowed me to give, and give, but whenever I asked something small or needed something he would find an excuse as to why it wasn’t possible. When things came time to change, instead of being careful with my feelings and treating me like a friend, or even a person, he disregarded me completely to hide from facing something difficult and left me in a lot of pain and confusion.  A strong person wouldn’t run away from something just because it’s difficult. They’d face it and work through it. He was incapable of that. His own sense of self was so weak and so filled with holes that instead of just being able to accept one another, I wanted to provide for him all the things he was lacking and that I want the people I care for to have. I fell into his weak sense of self and effectively became enmeshed in it, merged with it. This is extremely unhealthy and something I need to be aware of.
It got me thinking about people, relationships, and BPD in general. Often I think I get so consumed with needing someone in my life, anyone, in my life, that it becomes more important than having the right people in my life. I get so wrapped up in not being alone, that I settle for people that are not good for me just to have someone fill that space. My priorities are all screwy, but it doesn’t occur to me to think in this way. I’m in a position, probably for the first time in my life, where everyone that directly influences my life are pretty solid, healthy people. Don’t get me wrong, everyone has their own problems and issues, but they’re the kind of people that have a strong sense of themselves and don’t require anything of me other than for me to be who I am. This is making a lot of difference. Getting to this point has been difficult because it’s meant going through a lot of people, a lot of friendships, and maintaining a stubborn distance from them. The thought of it has been terrifying (as you know), but after all is said and done, it’s nowhere near as scary as I feared it would be. In fact, I haven’t been happier. Having a steadier group of people, having a group of people that are a positive influence, is really important. The quality of people is not something to be underestimated. I think it’s important to try and take a very objective look at the people in our lives and choose who is actually the kind of person that we should be around, and not just a person whom we hope will be the kind of person that we need.
I often get caught up hoping, wanting, wishing, someone would come through and be the kind of person that I need, but if they actually were that kind of person, than hoping, wanting, and wishing wouldn’t be necessary.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Dysregulation and Borderline Personality Disorder: What is it?

For those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder it’s all about emotional dysregulation. There are even people that would like to change the name of this disorder to Emotional Dysregulation Disorder. So what is emotional dysregulation? According to the Wiki:
Emotional dysregulation (ED) is a term used in the mental health community to refer to an emotional response that is poorly modulated, and does not fall within the conventionally accepted range of emotive response. ED may be referred to as labile mood (marked fluctuation of mood) or mood swings.
Possible manifestations of emotional dysregulation include angry outbursts or behavior outbursts such as destroying or throwing objects, aggression towards self or others, and threats to kill oneself. These variations usually occur in seconds to minutes or hours. Emotional dysregulation can lead to behavioral problems and can interfere with a person's social interactions and relationships at home, in school, or at place of employment.
Emotional dysregulation can be associated with an experience of early psychological trauma, brain injury, or chronic maltreatment (such as child abuse, child neglect, or institutional neglect/abuse), and associated disorders such as reactive attachment disorder. In such cases as borderline personality disorder, hypersensitivity to emotional stimuli causes a slower return to a normal emotional state. This is manifested biologically by deficits in the frontal cortices of the brain.
Thanks for that clinical look. In short: it’s the inability to have appropriate emotional responses and maladaptive coping mechanisms. That doesn’t mean all the time. We’re not always running around in a perpetual state of trauma, but when something does trigger an emotional response it is often more severe than you would normally expect. Mood swings aren’t just happy to neutral to frustrated. Mood swings are euphoria, to aggravation, to rage. It’s a response of magnitudes.
The obvious example is that classic Borderline rage. When something goes wrong most people might experience frustration and a quick flash of temper, but for someone with BPD it might spark a complete melt down of temper and wrath. When I was in high school I recall having frustration getting my hair proper (I was seriously OCD about some stuff) and raged in a fantastic display of tears and smashing my fist through the bathroom wall. Not a normal response.  It was instantaneous and unexpected. All of a sudden I couldn’t hold back the tears, my whole body got hot, and I need to direct that feeling somewhere, anywhere. I felt like a failure, not perfect, worthless, a terrible person, not worth living. Anger, temper, self-harm, suicidal ideation, threats of suicide, panic attacks, anxiety, crushing depression…. These are the things people think of when they think of emotional dysregulation in Borderline Personality Disorder. But they’re not the only things, and not even the majority of feelings.

It’s the sense of things being so overwhelming to us. To anyone else the thing that triggers the maladaptive emotions could be inconsequential or not very important, but to me it would become the only thing I could think about. Something small and seemingly unimportant, becomes an irrevocable fixation; like a brutal car wreck you know you want nothing to do with but can’t seem to look away. Everything is directly related to my self-esteem. Little things going wrong can tie directly into our self-worth. If I don’t anticipate everything my boss might ask, I feel like a failure and fear that I’ll be fired. My heart starts to pound, I obsess over every little “mistake”, and my anxiety spirals out of control. When in reality all he says is, okay get back to me.
When these overwhelming emotions become too much to handle it could result in our brains defense mechanisms kicking in to help us cope. For me this often occurs in the form of severe dissociation. Something will be so excruciatingly taxing, I’ll be so emotionally worn out, that I’ll suddenly notice that I no longer feel much at all. I don’t even feel connected to my own body. Like a fog settling down over my mind and my consciousness taking a step back outside of my body. Not only am I disconnected from my emotions, but I’m disconnected from my physical self. It’s like walking through a lucid dream where nothing feels real but you are still aware that you control the direction and movement of events. Sometimes I wouldn’t be sure if I was awake, or a whole person. When I depersonalize or derealize it’s like being a puppet master for a Me shaped marionette. There’s no knowing when it will kick in or end. There’s no controlling it. All there is to do is wait it out and hope things calm down enough where the defense mechanism subsides and you no longer feel the trauma that set it off in the first place.

This can also have to do with emotional memory and the inability to maintain consistent and accurate perceptions of those around us. That lack of object constancy/permanency that I like to mention.
And then there are the positive emotions. But not just positive. Ecstatically positive emotions. When things are bad with BPD they are very bad. But when they are good, they’re euphoric. Love isn’t just moon eyes and warm cuddles, it’s an all-consuming cocoon of joy and safety; warmth and ecstasy. It’s often quickly followed by fear of loss and abandonment mixed up with all the other emotions that bombard us and become an overwhelming tidal wave of inescapable feeling, but in those moments and hours when it’s good, it’s like a tangible blanket of happiness. It’s what made leaving my Evil-Ex or The One so damn hard. For all the trauma and terror they’d inspire, they could also create moments of absolute desire and love. I would live for those moments. I knew they could be there, and I would hold onto the hope that they would keep coming back, despite the fact that 95% of the time things were terrible. The high of the good was powerful enough to wait out the lows of the abuse.
Emotional dysregulation is the concept that embodies all the things that make our behavior seem so wildly out of proportion to what you would normally expect. It’s the high sensitivity to emotional stimuli. They hypersensitive emotional skin people with BPD often wear. It’s the emotional vulnerability to triggering events. It’s internal and external experience that trip emotional responses real or imaginary. It’s the reactions, responses, headaches, nausea, ruminating or racing thoughts, need to lash out or crawl into a corner and die. It’s the hypersensitivity to what people say or small facial expressions or attitudes. And the secondary emotions that are created by the aftermath of our initial reactions: often guilt, worthlessness, rejection or relief. Emotional dysregulation is one long term for an even longer idea of what goes on in the emotional mechanisms of people dealing with disorders of emotion.   

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Pesky Life Stuff

No real post today. 

Driving into work this morning I had a high speed blow out. I'm fine. Car seems to be okay. Got towed into the dealership where they promptly tried to rape my wallet. 

I have an all-wheel drive vehicle and they wanted to give me special high speed all-wheel drive tires @ $320.00 each. Each! Seriously? Who pays that much money for tires? Not this chicky. The guy was trying to pressure sell me. He also said he'd be able to get me cheaper tires but he'd have to order them and keep my car overnight... probably in an attempt to pressure me into getting the more expensive tires right away. 

Hell no. And that's exactly what I told him. Put the spare on, I'm going somewhere else. 

Seriously. Trying to pressure sell someone with anger issues is just not a good idea. I realize I look all cute and girly, but fuck you for trying to take advantage of me. You're just a customer service guy. I'm willing to bet I know more about the mechanics of my car than you do and $320/tire is bullshit. No business for you. 

So let's back up and turn this into a BPD story of inspiration shall we? Why the hell not. 

I've had a blow out before. Let me tell you, I was not a happy camper and I was not the picture of pristine calm. I had an all out panic attack and had no idea what the fuck I was going to do. Yay for roadside assistance. Which I still have. 

This time, was a whole different story. Instead of being a scene of hyperventilation and furious aggravation, it's more a calm irritation. Called my roadside assistance, got towed, nearly bitch slapped the dealership personal, came home, found reasonably priced tires and installation and am now patiently awaiting my appointment time. 

This may not seem like a big deal to some people but it's a small victory for me. I didn't panic about being late to work (though I still feel intensely guilty about having to call in and I do still have a vague anxiety about it). I didn't break down in fits of sobbing and uncertainty about how much I don't need the added expense - though obviously I'm not thrilled about it. All that practice in therapy visualizing worst case scenarios and coming up with better ways to deal with and handle them has been a big help. My meds calming down my rapid fire anxiety response is probably pretty key as well. 

As I've found out before, this could have been much worse. But it wasn't. I feel this is a step in the right direction for crisis management and me. 

Monday, June 4, 2012

Borderline Waif Characteristics and Qualities

Occasionally in my interweb exploration I run across checklists created by people who have lived with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. I recognize that these people are trying to “help” and provide insight from the point of view of those effected, but it’s often a very narrow perspective that perpetuates stereotypes and only focuses on the negatives. My biggest problem is that often these things are created after having only been involved with one, maybe two, people suffering BPD. It’s just not a disorder that is so clean cut and one or two experiences cannot give you an accurate depictions of how this presents.  That said. I found this list on characteristics of the Borderline Waif that I’d like to take a look at.
  • The Waif often does not rage externally. They do not lash out and put you down like other Borderlines. Instead, their rage is held or directed inside. Quite true.
  • The Borderline Waif is often very feminine, and demure. This has about the same chance of being true that pointing to any female has. I identify most strongly with what is considered a Borderline Waif – and while I often look quite feminine, demure and submissive are not traits I embody.
  • They often display an immature nature or speak in a youthful voice. This made me laugh. I put on a youthful voice when I’m really stressed and exhausted and just want to be snuggly. It’s cute. Otherwise no. Haha, my voice is typically too low to be the youthful childlike voice I think he means.
  • The Borderline Waif is often a high-functioning Borderline. They have professional careers and perform well there. I can see this.
  • They have an incredible ability to put on a happy, fun front socially, keeping their true self hidden from social and professional acquaintances. I agree. Personal life should be checked at the professional door. I think this should apply to pretty much anyone. Being self-aware and pretty bright, also modest ;), it’s a pretty simple deduction to realize that if you’re always depressed, mopey, in crisis, and unhappy with the things going through your head you’re going to alienate yourself from people and be even more lonely. Being alone is generally the last thing we want to do so yes, we keep our personal problems to ourselves and only disclose them to people that we are most intimate with. 
  • They play the victim role well. They appear in need of your help and often are readily accepting the help and assistance from others, but still seeing themselves as independent.
  • They are very sexual and often move very quickly into sexual situations. I am very sexual. My sexuality is a great tool and just a part of my personality. However I don’t move quickly into sexual situations with men. Not ever. With women it’s a different story, but I  have had too much trauma with men to not be wary of their motives and I don’t let this happen quickly.
  • They do not accept responsibility and rarely if ever are they the source of their life’s troubles. Heh, we’re usually the main source of our daily life’s troubles. The problem here is that often it’s not obvious that something was our responsibility because we perceive situations so differently. No one takes responsibility for things they don’t believe is their fault. If you genuinely believe you’ve been wronged, even if it’s technically a product of our hypersensitivity, for instance, it’s not going to be apparent to us that we’ve even done anything wrong. That said, when I do realize that I’ve fucked up, I’m very quick to apologize, accept responsibility, and try to make things better. I don’t want to lose people I need in my life. Hurting them and allowing them to remain hurt is a pretty poor way to keep someone around. Often Borderlines will quickly flip into overcompensation for something they feel they did wrong in a desperate attempt to not lose someone.
  • They are usually highly-intelligent. Sure? I would group this with High-Functioning more than just Waif. Then again, being highly-intelligent (or varying degrees of intelligent) may be a big part of the why people experience Borderline Personality Disorder differently. The more intelligent, the greater than chance for enhanced self-awareness which is going to not only make us hypersensitive to the world around us, but also to how we affect our world and provide a more focused (though still distorted) picture of how we interact with it.
  • They are a thing of beauty and rely on their beauty as a tool to get what they want. I’d totally be lying if I said I didn’t take advantage of my physical attributes to make some areas of my life easier. If I've got it, I might as well use it to my advantage.  It’s a mixed blessing and often a hindrance so it’s not something I do all the time. For instance, at work, I try to downplay my physical attractiveness as much as possible, dress more like the guys, and take on more responsibility and ask for less help than I should to enhance my credibility. I’m already alternative, it’s not easy to be taken seriously in a male dominated, conservative professional environment, when you’re a small, attractive, alternative, female.
  • In the beginning of the relationship, they will make you feel like the best person in the world in their eyes. Until you’ve been devalued in my mind, I will always treat you and make you feel as if you’re the best person in the world. Generally. That doesn’t mean I won’t freak out or become afraid and push away at times when I am concerned about whatever it is that has me on edge, and true, I’m sure people don’t feel very great if I’m reacting poorly to something at them, but I wouldn’t try to pull them back if they weren’t still idealized and the person I needed most in the world.
  • The Borderline Waif will often become VERY clingy and display jealousy. I definitely have a jealous streak but I refuse to be clingy. As much as I might like to be more affectionate at times, I overcompensate by being even more independent and forgiving of absences or physical separateness.
  • The Waif will often abandon you when they fear you will leave them. Like most Borderlines, they are terrified of abandonment. Yeah, this is Borderlines in general, not just a Waif characteristic.
  • The Waif will often be a sad, empty individual who pops in and out of depression. Sad, empty, hollow, depressed… these are characteristics of Borderlines in general, or you know, just someone that deals with depression.
  • You will feel a constant push / pull dynamic in the relationship. Again, this occurs with most Borderlines.
  • You may know very little about them, as they guard themselves and their intimate feelings. When you look at the relationship, you may realize it is very surface-level. There’s a reason for this. I haven’t met many people that guard themselves purely for the sake of being distant. There’s usually some actual trauma there that inspired this need. For me, I don’t hold surface-level or superficial relationships. If I’m involved with someone I certainly hide a lot of things. I don’t discuss a lot of my trauma, I keep my worse feelings to myself (this is usually due to fear of rejection and a mentality that if we’re too high-maintenance or sensitive or not that persons ideal (what we perceive as that persons ideal) we’ll be left) …. However, I’m very open with pretty much everything else. And eventually I even open about that other stuff, but it is little by little. It’s not all at once, and it’s never right away. No logical person is going to disclose the most intimate and hurtful or vulnerable issues they’ve dealt with to someone they don’t trust and are not close to.
  • The Waif Borderline may have a history of being in therapy for depression or bipolar disorder. Bipolar? Yes, it’s often misdiagnosed but what? (I’ll eventually be doing a series on BPD vs. Bipolar). This sounds like a judgment on being in therapy which I don’t approve of. Shouldn’t it be considered a good thing if you’re having trouble that you’ve decided to seek help and make your life better? I’ve dealt with depression my whole life. I never decided to seek therapy until I lived with my Evil-Ex and needed help dealing with the abusive environment I was living in.
I throw in my 2 cents about most things, but it’s good to keep in mind that obviously not everyone presents how I do. This is my personal experience. Some people may fit this list perfectly and that’s ok too. My goal is to provide a little more insight into the diversity of how people suffering with BPD actually experience things and to show that there is certainly the possibility for a different experience.
Also, important to remember is that these may be Waif characteristics, but ONLY if the person is actually Borderline. Which, means you meet at least 5 of the 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD. Simply reading this list, it could be describing anyone that is hypersensitive, codependent, depressed, histrionic, or just someone that’s immature with low self-esteem.
So what might be some more positive characteristics of the Borderline Waif? Well…
·         They’ll probably go out of their way to make sure you have everything they can think of to make your life easier.
·         They’ll spend a lot of time endearing themselves to you by doing your favorite things for you unprompted (making favorite dishes, making sure the house is in order, buying outfits they think you’ll appreciate, etc).
·         They’ll be quick to respond to your needs.
·         They’ll be very aware of your moods and often moderate their own behavior accordingly.
·         Hearing “no” to sex/general sexy fun time, probably won’t happen too frequently, if ever (… unless you happen to be someone with BPD that has an aversion to sex, often due to abuse or trauma. I want to talk about this more in the future as well. People with BPD are often typed as being hypersexual, which I am, but there’s also the very real experience of being almost sexually avoidant).
·         To reiterate, there probably won’t be the kind of outward anger, aggression, and exploding fights that can occur with BPD.
·         There’s a lot of self-sufficiency. At the same time there’s a desire for less self-sufficiency but we’ll hope you do it because you want to and often won’t come out and ask. This is also just a dumb female expectation in general.
I’m sure there are other perks. If you do find yourself involved with a Borderline there are worse attributes that you could become entangled with. That’s not to diminish or dismiss the severity of these problems, they are generally just as traumatic and disruptive, but they are held inside instead of taken out on those around them.  Like any relationship there’s compromise and taking the Cons with the Pros. I admit that with BPD there’s more Cons to take into consideration that normal, but doesn’t mean we’re bad people or all bad all the time.

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