Friday, August 24, 2012

Life Keeps Happening

Real Quick before I have to hit the court house.

1. We got the townhouse! Moving out Sept. 1st. So many last minute issues I could barely deal with life anymore. Thank goodness I had therapy yesterday.

2. Landlords want to show the apartment this Saturday which means I need it to be spotless before I leave Saturday for a day trip upstate. I'm so paranoid they'll see something not clean enough and withhold our security deposit.

2. I was summoned for Jury Duty this morning. Let me tell you how thrilled about that I'm not.


I WILL resume normal posting by Monday.

Ugh,
Haven

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

My apologies!

Hello Dear Readers,

Accurate. 
So I feel I must apologize. I wanted to post today and get back on track, but as I mentioned yesterday... I'm going to be moving shortly. My psycho invasive spying landlords, that watch our every move and listen in on all our conversations {so says she} have been extremely rude to my Roommate Monroe. Though when I went to talk to them all smiles and professional engineering voice, their attitude was extremely different. I have to say I did feel pretty manipulative as I smoothed over the situation. They're don't like her, but they'd love for me to stay (apparently there's a hidden clause in our lease that says we're not allowed to have someone over for more than two days in a row? Really? Sorry mom. Okay, our bad). I don't care though. Not allowed to have someone over more than two days in a row? Really? I'm a 31 year old woman! You don't get to tell me I'm not allowed to have whoever the fuck I want to have over. We're clean. Very quiet. We always pay our rent on time. That's all the information about our lives you're allowed to have. Period. 

I've been ruminating ceaselessly on the things I'd like to say to this woman. About the drugs her son and his little friends do outside my door. The screaming we constantly hear from them. The obnoxious rap music I can't hear my own television over emanating from her sons room. Trash. Utter trash. Sometimes I'm glad I ruminate without end. It allowed me to run over all the destructive, impulsive things I would like to have said. The things hanging off the ends of my fucking teeth I want to scream at this overbearing loon. ::deep breath:: Instead, it allowed me to figure out what I should say. Politely. Civilly. Tactfully. I was prepared. So okay, the angry thoughts were still there, but the angry thoughts didn't come out. 

We went apartment hunting on Sunday. We found the cutest town house in a beautiful gated community with an absentee landlord. Score! So I spent most of this morning charming the realtor; getting as much financial information to her as humanly possible (she's thrilled and thought my compulsive organization was funny) and organizing Monroe's information too. She's told us with 99.9% certainty that we're in and we can sign the lease by the end of the week, and be ready to move in by the 1st. So as you can probably imagine I've been on the verge of panicky, slightly hypo-manic, and extremely distractable. 

I've also been doing something I absolutely hate. Hate hate hate. Managing my finances. I hate money. I just want to know that I have enough to live. I was EXTREMELY impulsive when I went back home for Zoe's Bachelorette Party and Wedding. I have no restraint when it comes to people I'm that attached to. Even though cognitively I know I'm stable and fine financially, I'm still freaking out quite hard. 

I went back, worked out a budget, updated my 401a and my old 401k. I need to roll over my 401k into my 401a. I'm so glad my brother likes financials. He's so good at this stuff. I hate it. It makes my eyes cross. It takes me a REALLY long time to push myself and motivate to do this sort of thing. Even thinking about money makes me anxious. He gave me excellent advice, but he didn't do it for me. I'm glad he didn't. 

Because. 

I got it all done. I actually feel pretty good about myself for having taken care of all of this and figuring out how to maneuver my stock portfolio. Heh. You'd think I was a functional professional adult. Having his advice was invaluable and I'm incredibly appreciative, but I'm also glad I worked out how to read and interpret this stuff. Now I'll be able to do it myself in the future. 

Something I've noticed though. As long as I have a task, as long as I have something to focus on, an end goal to reach, that I can throw myself at, throw myself into, I don't panic as hard as I used to. I may still be stressed to all hell, but if I can shift my focus and throw my anxiety into something constructive I don't seem to be self-destructing. 

Before I might have freaked the F*ck out, broken shit in anger, screamed my lungs out, put my fists through walls, and devastated the feelings of everyone around me. Unconstructive, unfocused anger. These past few days I've thrown myself into house hunting, gone running (really amped my mileage), organized compulsively, spoken with and really, really appreciate the support of the friends that have stepped in  to help and offer encouragement, and generally handled this like a decent functional human being. Hell, I've even talked to my brother and my mother without freaking out! What is happening to me! 

::smiles:: 

I never would have handled things like this even two years ago when I started this blog. So that's why I didn't have a post for you today. Life stuff. Too much life stuff. Life stuff that needs to be handled. Life stuff that I think I'm actually handling quite well. 




Fun Fact: The realtor lady we're working with totally thinks Monroe and I are lesbians. I've only ever referred to her as my roommate, but when we were discussing financials she often referred to her as my "partner" =). Okay, so we're not partners, but yay for lifestyle tolerance!









Monday, August 20, 2012

Party Times and Wedding Bells.... I'm Back!


Hello Dear Readers!

I’m back! Did you miss me? I missed all of you. Originally I had hoped to check in at least a couple times, but clearly I wasn’t able to.  So what was I up to? Zoe’s Bachelorette Party and Wedding of course! I took my vacation this year to go back home and spend it with her =).

...And one boy. 
I was her Maid of Honor so I had the exciting job of planning, organizing, obsessing, and hosting her Bachelorette Party. I spent SO much money holy crap. Was it worth it? Oh you better believe it.

We all know I like my wine, but I really, really do not like to drink the way I drank the night of the Bachelorette Party. Yeah, special occasion and all, but I’m not a shots girl. I had half a bottle of saki, a couple vodka martinis (Not to be confused with actual martinis), and at least 7-8 shots… on a nearly empty stomach. This is way, way beyond my limit. Despite planning on being very moderate that night, I managed to completely succumb to my lack of impulse control. Drank too much, didn’t dance nearly enough, made out with at least half a dozen random cute lesbians < ----- I’m honestly not sure if this counts as being promiscuous or not or if we could just consider it drunken fun.

Don’t worry, prior to the party I told Tech Boy this was likely to happen and had his “blessing”. When I got home and finally got to see him I promptly informed him of my debauchery. To which I got a fist bump and a laugh. Yeah, fist bump. Aye.

Back to the party…. Sort of. I made the 10 hour drive to my destination and stayed with my sister. I woke up early to make Jell-o Shots for my first planned party game. I got to the hotel for early check-in so I could decorate the rooms and set up the party favor bags. I got so much silly stuff that made for a wildly entertaining evening and great pictures!

 I also think my mental wackiness comes in pretty handy at times too. I tend to obsess compulsively about details. I spent hours finding “the right” hotel at a central location within walking distance of our last stop, mapping cab routes, making hotel/restaurant reservations, etc. I made lists of addresses, phone numbers, cab companies, everything.   I wanted everything to be taken care of and as easy and stress free (for everyone else) as possible. Nailed it! Everyone had a blast and the Bride-to-Be was thrilled.

Tuesday I was supposed to go with Zoe to a winery to pick out the wine for the wedding. Remember a little while back I wondered aloud if I was really Borderline or if the world was just a giant asshole? Zoe has a disproportionately insane amount of these days as well. I don’t understand why. And trouble always comes in threes. 1. She woke up to one of her little pets having nearly castrated itself on its new bedding. So she had to rush it to two Emergency Vets (The first didn’t know what to do for the exotic creature except kill it…. Um, no? The second promptly took the little darling into its care for surgery.) 2. Their gas company called informing them they had a gas leak in their house and would need her to remain on premise so they could dig up  their yard and repair the leak so their house didn’t blow up…. Two days before her wedding, while she still had a hundred details to take care of. 3. On her way to pick me up she was in a car accident because some dumb broad decided it would be a great idea to not look before speeding into an intersection. Zoe wasn’t at fault or cited, but holy crap what a day! She called me in hysterics not knowing what to do or how we were going to get anything done for the wedding.

This is what compulsive Maids of Honor are for, right? Taking care of the Bride-to-Be.  I grabbed my mom and we went to the winery to pick out and purchase all the wine for the wedding. Zoe was going to try and meet us after they dealt with the accident and insurance company, but as soon as they finished up there and started on their way the ER vet called and they had to collect their healing pet. What a day.

So I took care of everything that day.

Zoe expressed something to me that I’m very familiar with. Can you imagine having to deal with a day like that, two days before your wedding, and the shear amount of stress it would cause? Now add her BPD to the mix. I bet you can imagine the utter panic and melt down that would follow... But no. What she described to me was an instance of pretty intense dissociation. She was beyond the point of even crying. Her body and brain just shut down. She could walk and talk, but there were no more feelings. She moved to a place beyond her ability to feel emotion. Blank. Nothingness. There’s a reason for these defense mechanisms and sometimes I do think they’re a blessing. Especially since it only lasted that day and she was able to escape it. Imagine being under so much stress that your mind takes over and lets you have no say in how it functions and is able to interact with the world. It’s a really bizarre feeling.  

The next day we had to find the new florist (the original one cancelled at the last minute due to a vacation). Picked out flowers. Got some fresh berries (for the fresh from scratch raspberry buttercream frosting I needed to make). Did a lot of decoration/cupcake shopping….

This is my Maid of Honor cupcake and some of the others. 
Then Thursday it was time for me to start baking. I made the wedding “cake”. Or cupcakes to be precise. I made nearly 180 cupcakes, 6 varieties (Lemoncello with Lemon curd filling, Blue Velvet, Apple Spice Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting, Champagne cupcakes with Champagne frosting, Vanilla Bean cupcakes with fresh Raspberry Buttercream Frosting, and Dark Chocolate cupcakes with Nutella frosting), plus 10 3-tiered cupcakes for the bridal party, and a special 3-tier Wedding cupcake for the cake cutting ceremony... all from scratch. I was baking from 9a.m. to 11p.m. with only a short break for the rehearsal dinner. Then I woke up at 6:30a.m. the morning of the wedding to frost all of the cupcakes and decorate. In preparation for this I made all of the cupcakes a few times tinkering and tweaking the recipes so they’d be perfect. 

And believe me, they were. Holy crap so delicious. I had to figure out and purchase transportation packaging for so many cupcakes without squishage…. Then that morning I had a bit of an emergency an hour and a half before I had to leave. I used my mixer to death. I still had the bridal wedding cupcake and a whole set of cupcakes to frost and my mixer utterly died. My mother rushed out and got me a replacement while I made do with what I was able to accomplish by hand trying to suppress my own panic. I just wanted everything to be perfect for her. I know how stressed out she’s been and I just wanted something to be wonderful and beautiful and perfect for her. In the end it was. Everything turned out okay thanks to the support I had from my mom.

Let’s repeat that. My mom was amazing. This was probably the first trip home I took that she wasn’t constantly stressing me out. I’ve been sending her information and videos on BPD, and during our winery excursion we talked about it a lot. It ended up being a really good bonding experience. I know the clarity I’ve been able to provide her and my father doesn’t make up for the difficulties in dealing with me when I was growing up, but I think it brought some closure and she was really receptive and supportive of everything I’ve been doing to manage and improve my life. Both my parents are very proud of the changes I’ve made and they can absolutely see the difference in how I am now compared to how I used to be. I’m forever grateful that they never gave up on me, despite how difficult I was.

I finally had my car all loaded up with cupcakes and made a very slow, very careful drive to the wedding venue. We unloaded my car and then Zoe and I promptly rushed off to the Salon for hair and make-up. But not before Zoe grabbed a bottle of champagne to take with us =).

Then it was a rush to the hotel for the first round of her pictures and getting dressed before rushing again to the venue to get ready for the ceremony! Which was beautiful. I’ve been to a few weddings. This was by far the least traditional, but also the most amazing. After the ceremony we did pictures, then finally, blessedly we had food (first time we’d eaten the whole day), then lots of drinks, dancing, laughter, and love. I made her choke up with my speech and I think there were a few tears in the audience too.

When I love, even platonically, I love hard. I pour all of myself into what I try to do for the people I care about. Money, time, stress is not a consideration. My favorite part of the night was all of the “accidental” pretty pictures I got of her. She’s notorious for refusing to take nice pictures. She always makes crazy faces anytime a camera is pointed at her. But I managed to get in a few good surprise shots that show her absolutely glowing. I love this woman so much.  

Other than the champagne we had at the salon I didn’t drink much, because as we were getting to hotel to get dressed I got a frantic call from my new Roommate Monroe. Our landlords don’t like that we have our significant others over “so much”. They’ve been spying on us, watching everyone we have over, who comes and goes, and listening in on all our conversations. I’m beyond creeped out. Monroe was absolutely freaking out. So I cut my visit home a little short to come back to NY and help calm her down and figure out what we were going to do. I can potentially stay in the apartment, but why would I want to after that revelation? Ew. If I wanted that kind of violation of my privacy I would have continued to live with my Evil-Ex. Seriously. Ugh.

So we’re looking for a new place to live and I’ll be moving shortly. We’ve only had a chance to see a couple places so far but the market looks promising right now. I was only planning on spending another year at this apartment max. I’m so sick of my creepy landlords and I was actually contemplating… wait for it… buying a house because I think it would be nice to have the kind of freedom and privacy I want. Those plans will be put on hold for a little while I’m guessing, but that just means I’ll have more time to save up for a good down payment.

Jiminy Crickets what a week. I’d like a break now. Okay?

So how have you been in my absence? I hope everything has been going okay. I’m preparing my usual informative type of blog tomorrow and I’ll get us back on schedule. Cheers!



P.S. I’m going to try and respond to everyone’s comments, e-mails, and Tweets over the next few days. 






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